Story about member of opposite sex...looking for advice!

[Caterina]

Allright, so I have had this friend for a while. When we first met, I wasn't sure I was interested in him...but there was an immediate attraction. We had really deep conversations and he shared a lot of things with me. He was really sweet and would compliment me a lot. He would say that he had been drawn to me when we first met and also even some very bold statements on the line of him "needing me". Well, I decided to drop some major hints at one point, and he wrote a post on his blog about it saying that he was definetly interested in going out and it was really emotional. But, at the time I had just met him and I asked advice from a friend as to whether or not we should go out. She told me to tell him no for now (for reasons that are really not of concern to the central question).

So I told him no and we remained friends for a while. Then, we got into this huge argument and stopped talking. I still had feelings for him even though practicalities had caused me to turn him down teh first time. See, we both recognize that a relationship together might be difficult despite strong attraction...the pracicalties are def. not in our favor. So I had a conversation with him where he told me that his feelings had "diminished", and then another one where he said he was emotionally attracted to me, but not physically. This seemed kind of contradictory to his behaviour, b/c the way he looked at me and such suggested a strong sexual attraction. He is not the typical guy either, but still hoping you can offer me some objectiveness that I can't see.

Anyways, I asked him at one point what his feelings were for me, and he said he wasn't sure...so then I dropped the subject b/c of my pride...the converastion was strange b/c at some points he sounded confused...and others he sounded like he would be really for it.

So then I decided to view him as a friend. I knew that he was interested in another friend of mine through another source and while I was thinking we were friends I told him he might have a chance wtih asking her out (b/c she had told me) and at that moment he said the only reason he had ever been attracted to me was b/c I was attracted to him and that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. This caused a lot of trouble between us for obvius reasons b/c it was a really calloused thing to say. I didn't talk to him for a while.

Anyways, they ended up not going out. So later somehow we started hanging out again and he was doing some majorly flirtacious things, he wuold grab my hand and caress it, or he would even put his arms around me and speak to me in a really low voice. He did the standard body language things where he would look in my eyes for a prolonged amount of time. He said things like, "I dont understand you, " but not in the frustrated way, but in the you are beautifully complex sort of way.

So I started to like him again. But when I started to watch him, I noticed he did the flirting with a lot of girls, not just me...he goes aroudn playfully poking them and what not.

So, I wrote him a letter on his birthday that was pretty emotional...I asked him about it on AIM and he said he was in emotional shock over it but that he thougth it rocked that I could write like that or something. I didn't know if it was a good thing so I asked if he wanted to talk about it later and he said sure. He hasn't avoided me or anything, but the next time he imed me he just talked about regular things...not what I had written (altho it was emotional...one could still say it was a "friend emotional" thing). Altho, I know another bad sign is when they sign off first, he is alway teh one to sign off first!! So, basically, I am asking- WHAT IS UP WITH HIM???

[SimoneTiger]

So, basically, I am asking- WHAT IS UP WITH HIM???

 

Easy--nothing at all. If he was interested in you, he would have made sure that you know it by now. He is just playing with your feelings and your current purpose in his life is apparently to boost his confidence. After all, everyone likes to be liked.

 

Do not waste your time thinking about this guy; it is obvious from your post that he does not waste his thinking about you. You deserve someone who respects you and doesn't play immature mind games with you.

[Caterina]

I suppose so...but there is also a friendship there. So I don't know what to do...act like nothing happened, or stop hanging out or what. Also, it really sucks...

[DN]

I wish people would stop with the immature accusation every time somebody does something they don't like. Both people here were less than clear about what they wanted.

 

Anyway, whatever reasons caused you to say no when he asked you out may be relevant because the chances are that that refusal is still clouding the relationship. Sounds to me like he is still interested but doesn't want to be humilated by rejection a second time. If you are interested in him, then maybe it's your turn to risk rejection and ask him out.

[Caterina]

Two pretty much contradictory opinions lol. What part did you think was immature? I am confused about that. Well, I don't know about asking him out...don't you think telling him my feelings is enough? And he hasn't been jumping to hang out with me lately or anything. Although, admittedly he has been really busy...its near the end of the semester adn teh professors are really having us hit the books.

[DN]

It isn't a question of maturity. It's a question of getting what you want and being clear about it. So if you want to go out with him, don't wait for him to ask you - you ask him. You turned him down the first time so now it's up to you.

[ducky]

Hey Caterina,

 

IMO it's never good to chat about such things over instant messengers. I won't take any signs you see on IM too seriously. They are never a good indication of how he feels towards you. You sound like the shy and reticent type from the way you prefer to put your feelings into writing and pass it to him in the form of a letter.

 

While that is a step forward, following up on it through IM is hardly helpful. If you want to move forward, talk about it face to face. Ask him out for lunch or out for coffee and starbucks and talk about this. If you are too shy ask him out, perhaps you can catch him when he's alone and talk to him.

 

Going by what you described, he does sound like a major flirt to me. But I cannot make an objective judgment based on what you said, it will not be pass such a comment on someone I have never seen before.

 

Perhaps he is like what SimoneTiger said, a major flirt who is just playing around with your feelings. Or perhaps he's just immature when it comes to handling such issues. Or perhaps he's simply confused as to how he feels about you.

 

Whatever you decision is, the ball is firmly in your court now. If you want to be more than just friends, perhaps you should move on from talking on IM. Talk to him in person and tell him how you really feel. You've really got nothing to lose.

[Caterina]

Hmm, actually I am usually a pretty talkative person...especially with friends. Although, I can admittedly be really shy when I just meet someone, esp. if they are male. He tends to be flirtacious, I'd agree on that...although he is also not someone who would just trample over people's feelings...at least I don't think so. He may be confused as to how he feels for me...that sort of makes sense. I don't really want to talk to him about my feelings though unless I have stronger proof of the desired result.

[Caterina]

It isn't a question of maturity. It's a question of getting what you want and being clear about it. So if you want to go out with him, don't wait for him to ask you - you ask him. You turned him down the first time so now it's up to you.

 

Well, I want to know that the probability for what I want him to say is pretty high before doing that. I have asked a guy out before and I would rather not risk what happened before to happen again.

 

Also, I was talking to the friend that was the one that almost went out with him and she told me that he was joking with her about getting married to her...and then there was a car wash that everyone had...he went and was spraying this other girl of whom he flirts with (also) a bunch with water and everything...

[Caterina]

So I don't think he likes me. I spoke with him and it came up that he still has it pretty bad for my friend. Aw well.