Different culture relationships

[sadCara]

My boyfriend and I or ex now. Well we had been together for 2 and a half years. I love him a lot. The major problem was that i am brown and he is Persian. He is an amazing person, the most wonderful, loving man i have ever met. The rare kind. Now he broke up with me, because of our different cultures. Said we could never get married...My family and his would not approve. I wanted us to stay friends and thankfully he has agreed. I don't know what i would do if he weren't in my life. I need him. He doesn't think it's a good idea, but since he "cares for me" he will be there. I have some family prolems and he keeps insisting i move out, to be happier in my life. He is so concerned about me, about my happiness and about finding someone new. I just still feel shocked about everything. I find it horrribly unfair that we were happy together but other factors pushed us apart.

I just feel stuck, i feel desperately the need to ask him back, but i know that would push him for us not to be friends then. He wants me to heal.

Life feels so empty.

[Day_Walker]

Life isnt fair and can be empty. Both people have to be willing and have a desire to make a relationship work if its going to last. Cultural differences can be that strong but this also has to deal with family, despite what people think out there, you do need more than love.

[sadCara]

I still find it incredibly difficult to believe that in such a multicultural world the barriers of different culturers have not broken down. I know if it was just the two of us, we would have had a great life together......

 

I'm meeting him tomorrow for the last time....i think in some time, we will have to see. I still keep saying 'we', so does he. He is so good, he said that he didn't want to break up with me over the phone, these kinds of things need to be done in person.....I don't know how to be tomorrow. I know i'm going to crumle....I have a feeling he will too. He has tried to remain strong, when we broke up on the phone he cried. It's the first time in our relationship he has ever cried. It's not the first time for me, but it is for him... That makes me even more upset about this whole thing.

[heloladies21]

I'm Persian too, but non-religious. I know how his family can be as I have friends who can't persue most relationships due to religious and cultural differences. I think this reason is garbage though and it shows how little he really cares about you. Think about it, you really love him right? Would these cultural differences ever make you dump him? If not, then your love is real. On the other hand, his love is not true. If it was, he would spite his irrational family and traditions and choose you.

 

I'd be mad at him if I were you and not want to talk to him ever again. I wouldn't meet up with him and just tell him good luck because he doesn't deserve your love.

[angel1211]

wow, when i saw your post i was shocked because i was in the same situation. my now, exgirlfriend, who is also persian broke up with me a month ago because her parents had set someone up for her to possibly marry. i just could not understand this because she loved me a lot and i loved her a lot. we were perfect for each other. it felt like she was my soulmate and now she is gone because of her culture. i researched arranged marriages online and it still doesnt make sense to me. it was so hard for me but i had to accept the situation. she wanted to continue as "friends" but how could we be just "friends?" it made me realize how strong someone's culture can be and how sometimes love is not enough. yes, i admit, i was forewarned 8 months ago, but i thought there was some hope of some kind of a future. i dont think i will ever understand her situation but i have to respect it. i decided on "no contact" despite her pleas to be friends right away. i told her i needed space to get over her and she didnt understand that. it all comes down to thinking about yourself before you can think of others. it hurts to know that i cant be there for her but it is also hard for me as well. this decision, so far, is working out for the best.

[angel1211]

sadCara, one thing you have to realize is how it would affect his life if he chose to be with you. his parents would disapprove and possibly be disowned. their family would be somewhat tarnished and im sure it would affect the rest of the family members as well. i tried my best to understand this from a friend who is muslim and to this point i dont no whether to be upset or to just let things be. its really hard to understand. i had to let my feelings go because(still healing though)i dont want her to lose her family and have her family tarnished in any way. i just have to move on with my life and hopefully we can come together as friends someday. my advice is to take a step back and breathe. i know its hard but force yourself so you can have a clearer mind which will give you a better understanding about the situation.

 

take care of yourself

[sadCara]

Thanks for all your replies....

 

Yes i have been told numerous times that Persians are different. Their culture is more stronger comparably. I have to admit i have no cultural attachment....

I have changed so much through him, good changes. I am happy he was/ is in my life. I need that kind of support considering everything. It's not just support either, but this is a man i had hopes of a forever happiness.

 

He is not religious....initially i was, but after alot of reading and soul searching i am not anymore. My family however is religious. They want me to be with someone who is brown and catholic (i have no such standards however).... His family wants a beautiful Persian girl...

He says that there are other things as well...eerything has just compouned to the point that his logical and emotional side is fighting. This breakup is as hard for him as it is for me, yet he is so worried about how i am taking it, forever the gentleman.

 

I am meeting him tomorrow. I could never hate him, he has done so much for me. It's possible that his love for me has faded, if that's the case then so be it. I would rather see him happy in life. He wants the same for me.

 

I think we should stay friends (i suggested it, and he agreed after some coaxing), we talk like we're close friends. ...it does hurt very much. I just feel numb right now. Which is probably a good thing considering all the demands being made on my brain with the ending of the uni year.

[sadCara]

I think this reason is garbage though and it shows how little he really cares about you. Think about it, you really love him right? Would these cultural differences ever make you dump him? If not, then your love is real. On the other hand, his love is not true. If it was, he would spite his irrational family and traditions and choose you.

 

I'd be mad at him if I were you and not want to talk to him ever again. I wouldn't meet up with him and just tell him good luck because he doesn't deserve your love.

 

I just had to reply to this....

This man is something that is rare, and i believe would be any girls dream. His love for me is real, just as mine for him. He is hurting a great deal. I know, if you love them, you will fight for them, that's the way i thought but with my...ex (still hard to say it) he has a lot going on. I understand his decision. He fights with himself constantly about us. I also know that he loves his country, is passionate about it's culture, politics and language.

If we are truly meant to be together then we will be in the end. Like someone said, "if you let them go and they truly love you, they will come back." I know it's not healthy to hold up hopes....i try not to. I know how he is, especially with decisions. I know he won't come back..... so this healing process that i must go through,... i guess i need to. all i know is that it hurts....right now still numb though.

Sorry for the long discourse.

[chai714]

Your boyfriend may or may not have been using the "cultural differences" as a way out. If it is true though, it's unfortunate that he's not mature enough to say "forget what my family thinks, love is love." In a way, I see this as prejudice, which means ignorance. It will be difficult to remaind a so called "friend" when you have other motives. Getting him back would probably involve NC for a while, since this breakup is fresh.

 

Also, being a friend means listening to him tell you about who he is dating. Could you handle that? Ask yourself that question before you go wanting a real friendship. IMO, two people with history can never establish a real friendship after breaking up. Normally, there is one who wants the other back, and one who does not. Also, friendships tend to be on the superficial side after a breakup.

[sadCara]

IMO?? Not familiar with breakup talk

[sadCara]

Your boyfriend may or may not have been using the "cultural differences" as a way out. If it is true though, it's unfortunate that he's not mature enough to say "forget what my family thinks, love is love." In a way, I see this as prejudice, which means ignorance. It will be difficult to remaind a so called "friend" when you have other motives. Getting him back would probably involve NC for a while, since this breakup is fresh.

 

Your probably right, he had other reasons too. He is quite a mature person and knows what he wants, but i don't think that i can judge him for his decisions. I do think i can stay friends with him though, he is ok with it too, i want him in my life whether as bf or friend. A part of me does want to get back with him, but the majority part knows that it won't happen. So i feel comfortable being friends, his happiness matters the most. Sorry i don't know what IMO means.

NC isn't much of an option for me. One day i he tells me i met someone special, then yes a small part would be hurt, but i also know that as long he is happy i will be happy. Nothing else to it.

Still numb....

[chai714]

IMO = In My Opinion.

[sweetdreamer]

SadCara, you metioned you broke up due to CULTURAL differences and your and his family will disowned you or him if you both choose to be together.

However, I need some clarifications...

I believe he is not a strong person if he can't be with you if it is only BASED on CULTURE!!!

However, if it is based on religion, then I could understand what he fears.

 

My parents are from the Middle East, and come from a Muslim background. However, I am a born Canadian, and not religious. I know how it is difficult to be in a multiculturalism country when you come from a family who tends to hold strictly on the culture and religion.

 

I will tell you this from my knowledge. Your ex, is not strong, and I am sure he is aware you will or will be eventually accepted if you both choose to be together. Sadly, the culture tends to be a bit biased in gender. A male in the Arabian/Persian culture will be accepted if he choose to be with a woman from another culture but not to often if it is another way around. However, if he is concerned about the religion ONLY. Then it is understandable, if only you didn't want to convert. However, if you did convert to his religion and then there should be a high chance for you to be accepted in his family.

 

Sweetdreamer

[angel1211]

dear sadCara, it seems like you are willing to sacrifice your happiness for someone who cant be there for you the you want him to. that would be really hard for me to do. i tried the "we can be friends" thing but that is what she wanted, not me. knowing that she is moving on with her life, even though she says its not her choice, is basically one sided and unfair for me. please take care of yourself

[sadCara]

Thanks Sweetdreamer for your input.

#1. IMO he is a strong man, but i think he needs to sort himself out on top of all the other problems.

#2. He does not believe in organized religion but is a monotheist. As for me religion doesn't play a big role in my life, i've lost it. However my parents are quite religious...So there is a downside.

 

Bottomline this person is strong, he is the strongest peson i know. Anyone afer meeting each other and having such an emotional time together would have said why did we even breakup!, but he is strong about his convictions and didn't change his mind. He held on to the logic behind his decision, and we wished each other happiness in life.

 

That friggin "lonely" song is playing AGAIN!!!!! Make it stop!

[sadCara]

dear sadCara, it seems like you are willing to sacrifice your happiness for someone who cant be there for you the you want him to. that would be really hard for me to do.

 

I'm sorry but i'm not sure what you mean....

I am not sacrificing any happiness on my part, it simply isn't existent in me. However if i can comfort someone i love and care for, then i will.

Besides i know if i desperately need him, he would be there for me. I have that trust.

[sadCara]

It's been a week now, officially...i just realized it, since we broke up. It's soooo hard.

so very hard..... my logical side is battling my emotional side. Sometimes the emotional part gets beat up, and that leads to me becomng self-righteous, and a bit angry. I don't like it when it happens, but i can see how it really helps me when it does.

 

Basically the emotional side says, " he still loves you, i can feel it..." The other more harsher side says, "No! he doesn't love you, get over it, your not that good ne-way. Just move on, and focus on work."

 

i hope now you can see why i am caught up in all these things... I almost wish i didn't have a heart, that i wasn't born into this family, and that most importantly i was born persian, or atleast knew everyhing about it.

It's still very hard....i still have hope, i can see it and i don't like it. I know it's not healthy.....I'm still saying why! ...i know, what can you expect it's only been a week, but i haven't hurt this much b4.

[sadCara]

Feeling much better! I'm actually smiling.

I've tried to focus on future plans, and also i just feel happier.

 

What a roller coaster ride.

[angel1211]

hi sadCara,

 

im glad you are feeling better today. it will be a roller coaster ride for now but enjoy the good moments. concentrate on your future. did you know sunshine is a natural antidepressant? it is and it works wonders.

 

have a great day

[Cartecay]

IMO - In my opinion...