He can't decide what he wants

[egirl2005]

Hi everyone:

 

I wrote a short while ago about how my husband of 13 years had told me he was having and affair etc. etc. The thing is after he told me he was sorry and wanted to save or marriage he left the house during the week saying he had a big project at work and needed to think about only that. I found out that he was staying with her, sleeping with her and had met one of her children. 3 times during the month of March he has come home on the weekends and told me he ended it only to leave again on Monday and go back to her. I also found out that he was calling her when we were on vacation in the DR in February sometimes twice a day and now we have a $420.00 cell phone bill to pay. He can't even tell me why he called her everyday. Our 6 years old son is very confused and so am I.

 

I have asked him why he can't make up his mind and how he can keep hurting me and he just says he doesn't know. This past weekend I told him to go to his parents and take some real time to think. Don't talk to me, don't talk to her, just think, he said okay and then Monday night went out with a friend to a pool hall and then back to his place to talk and play play station. He doesn't understand why this upsets me, he has no clue.

 

I don't know what his decision is going to be, I don't even know if he is still seeing her. My problem is that I don't know if I can take him back after this and if he will even try to fix the damage he's done. For the last month he has been telling me he loves her and can't give her up while yelling at me and telling me I'll never get over it so why should he try. I don't know if that's guilt or the truth. He has not wanted me much in the past 6 years even though I all but begged for physical attention regularly and now he is saying we never had passion and that with her he has found passion. How do I live with the knowledge that he may never touch me again or that when he does he's not thinking of her.

 

I'm not emotionally ready to quit on us because of all our history and our son but I really don't know if it can work. If he had ended it when he told me and made an effort to repair our marriage I know I could have moved on but now I feel like I know to much and even knowing what it was doing to me he continued to lie and sleep with this woman.

 

How do I figure out if I'm staying because I don't want this #!@*# woman to win or if I still really care about him. I love the man he was but not the man he is now and I don't know if he wants to change.

 

I have never contacted this woman but I would love to tell her just what she's done to my son's and my life. She told my husband that she was separated because her husband had cheated on her. How could she do this knowing (and she did know about us) what it would do to us.

[fan4nascar]

(sigh) I feel so bad for you and your son. Your husband sounds very selfish. I fear I too am heading to where you are today.

Do you have the means to support yourself and son without moving?

do you have other family around for emotional support?

I dont really see how you could really be happy with this man again no matter what he did to make this up to you even if he did leave her.

[chai714]

I have never contacted this woman but I would love to tell her just what she's done to my son's and my life. She told my husband that she was separated because her husband had cheated on her. How could she do this knowing (and she did know about us) what it would do to us.

 

EGirl - What you may not realize is that your actions are telling him that it's ok for him to be with her and you. You're giving him the decision to make between you (HIS WIFE) and her (HIS MISTRESS)??? There should be no question what you should do from here. No need to put your son through life watching his father have an affair while it tears you up and puts your family through hell. No need at all. Bail out. You're giving your husband far too much power to do whatever he wants, and he's walking all over you. People will take as much as you're willing to give them, and you haven't showed him the end of the rope yet.

 

I don't think it's necessary to contact the other woman. She's partially to blame and what she's doing is immoral, but your husband is the main culprit here. He chose to cheat. Being that he chose her to cheat with - well, it could have been anyone. Confronting her would probably lead to another episode of Jerry Springer, so avoid that. If you want to save your marriage, seek counseling (for your son as well). If you don't want to, see a lawyer immediately.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel for you and for your son.

 

Egirl you should not leave this decision up to him. Decide for him-- Kick him out... as long as you let him shift between you and her --he is going to keep doing it and he will never make up his mind. If you tell him ( and more important show him) that you will not accept his disrespect and cheating he will be forced to face what he has done.

 

You are hurt and you have every right to be, but as long as you allow him to come home and sleep with you you are basically telling him that everything is fine---it's not fine. Don't feel sorry for him girl---he didn't feel sorry when he was doing it--and he doesn't seem to be sorry now.

 

I don't think you should confront the other woman because really the one who is committed to you here is him.. He is the one that has failed you. I see wife's focus on the other woman often and meanwhile the husband gets off free...remember HE is the one that has betrayed you here. Leave her to deal with her conscience on her own... and you deal with him.

 

I think you are going to have to decide whether it's more important to keep your dignity or your relationship. Your husband is not sorry( if he was it would be a different story)--he says he is confused--clear his confusion by letting him know you will not allow this kind of disrespect.

 

Keeping a cheating man to "win" over the other woman is not really a win if you live miserably... stand up for yourself and you will "win" something much better--your self-respect... he may even realize what he is losing here when you do.

 

I hope you can be strong in whatever you decide to do.