Too Old For Friends Like This

[ClaireDarling]

Hello everyone.

 

My friend is back at it again.

 

Background before I go into this, this girl was the first friend I made when I transferred to my current university. She's 23 as of last week and I'm 25. She by far is the person I consider my best friend despite all of the drama.

 

When we made up about two weeks ago, we promised to be honest with one another. It went well for a while. She was honest about being mad that a guy was talking to me more (even though he wasn't flirting) and I was honest in telling her that a certain word she used was a bit upsetting to me.

 

Two nights ago, a mutual friend of ours (V) just matter of factly asked me if I was coming over on Friday. I said sure and my friend (A) immediately messaged me and said she doesn't know if she's invited or not. Granted, A was friends with V and has hung out with this her more than I have. Anyway, A decided to ask V in a group message if she was allowed to come and all V said was "hey, our friend B is coming and I know you two don't get along so idk if that changes anything for you."

 

A immediately took that as not being welcome and she got upset even though I asked her repeatedly if she was okay. I decided to go to V's place and A decided to go to a bar alone. I feel bad for not going with her, but I also went out with her Monday through Thursday to bars and the spending is becoming too much. I didn't think much if it because I asked her if she was okay and it wasn't until I was headed out to V's place that she decided to go to a bar alone.

 

Anyway, yesterday after work I asked A and another friend if they ever going anywhere and A was being very secretive which is what she does when she doesn't want other people involved. So I asked if she was going to a particular place and she said, "no, but I'm going out with my new group of friends."

 

Longer story short, one thing led to another and she was laughing and saying she's not making a big deal out of this and I told her I'm not either, but I'm doing my best to be here as her friend, but she's losing me and her response was literally, "LMAO then leave?".

 

She's very petty by nature. She was upset that she wasn't "invited" so she took it out on me the only way she knew how. It wasn't about me not being invited. It was about her not being truthful and doing things out of spite to purposefully hurt a friend who would never do that to her. And I could try to talk to her, but she would deny that and play the victim yet again.

 

I know those of you who kept up with the past few posts are probably wondering why I'm even talking to her, but it's because she is the only friend I've had here and she's the friend I've had the longest. I'm forgiving my nature and I don't like to just throw the towel in. It takes a lot until someone loses me completely, but right now I just feel like I'm too old for her petty immaturity. The way she purposefully cuts people down and hurts them when she feels threatened.

 

I'm 25 and I feel like I've gone back to my freshman year with this girl because my reactions to things are surprising me as well. And I don't want to stoop to that level of immaturity any more. I don't want bad blood between the two of us, but I think distancing would be the best option.

 

I'm just still fairly new here and I'm bad as it is at making friends. So, losing the one friend I do have will hit me hard I matter what.

[Wiseman2]

Who has time for frenemies?

 

"Frenemy" (less commonly spelled "frienemy") is an oxymoron and a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" that refers to "a person with whom one is friendly, despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry" or "a person who combines the characteristics of a friend and an enemy."

[glitterfingers]

Mm. I'm a little confused about all of this, and it's possible that you think she's being more vindictive than she actually is - it's just as likely she has poor social skills and an inability to navigate what she felt was an area of potential conflict. Try not to think of someone as vindictive if it's just as likely that they have limited social abilities/understanding.

 

But I don't think you really need any advice from us. You resolved this issue in the title. Too old for friends like this. Most people eventually decide to significantly reduce their social circles and focus on quality over quantity. This is probably not the first or last time you'll have to let someone go as a friend. Take this as an opportunity to learn how to do so respectfully and move on from the friendship while recalibrating your values.