Waraqqa Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Greetings to the good people of ENA. Question to those of you who lived not only through break-ups, but through the kind of break-ups that were completely gut-wrenching, identity-changing (not for the best), questioning everything, and where you woke up many many mornings not wanting to live: how long of solid NC did it take to feel at least some relief? To where you are able to live at least most day if not happily then at least with reasonable amount of peace and internal stability? For me, it's been from 1 May now. I'm supposed to have a new life and try to reconstruct and stabilise myself - God knows how. I hate myself every day: First, I hate how I got in with him too far, before I was ready. Second - and by far the most - I hate how I blamed him for it, and the harsh and unfair things I said that killed his feelings in autumn. Then, I hate how I didn't know how to fix things or how to end them, how I couldn't just walk away and save all those months, how I hung on to empty hope. Second is the worst for me, it's what shows up in my dreams and kills me every morning when I wake up. The rest of stuff is at least somewhat human and understandable; but blaming him for the fact that we went too far before his departure was beyond the pale. It was unethical, unfair, damaging, weak, and no wonder at all his feelings died. I am not sure how to forgive myself - when I look back after all these months, I don't understand what the f was wrong with me, how could I have done that. He could never understand it, it was incomprehensible to him despite my attempts to explain. I know I was traumatised by a preceding relation, but it is not an excuse. Otherwise anyone who's ever got hurt would get a carte blanche to hurt others. How to deal with that feeling and to forgive myself, and to become a better person? I am afraid to get further embittered by this. I don't want to be bitter. (And I don't have access to functional therapy in this country, nor can I afford it at least for another 5-6 months). Link to comment
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