nice guys who love emotionally unstable girls, thoughts?

[lovelostlady]

ive posted on here about this guy who recently dumped me. i am a nice, stable, laid-back girl, and he is a nice, stable, laid-back guy. all of his ex-gf's are emotionally unstable, and the relationships were tumultuous. all of these girls have broken his heart. he said that he doesnt purposely go looking for relationships like that but always ends up in them, and he feels like he and i wont work out. he said that he thinks he might need therapy for this but its just how he feels.

 

what is this phenomenon about? i said that i thought he always ended up in those relationships because hes such a good guy and in some way wanted to be these girls' savior and help them. is it the adrenalin? passion? why go after relationships like this knowing that they will always end in heartache? i just dont get it.

 

they say nice guys finish last. wrong. its the nice girls that finish last.

[Royltnxile]

Lovelostlady,

 

I can relate to your post. I am the proverbial "nice guy" who is incapable of being an insensitive jerk to the women I care about. I am 38 years old, never married, no kids, and have had only a few significant relationships. Because I'm one of the "nice guys", I havent really dated much, but have enjoyed a very large social circle so having the "girlfriend" wasn't really very important to me, so I was never on the lookout for a relationship.

 

It seems like women with emotional baggage have always found me...

 

At times, I do seem to have had the "savior" complex, but I've finally realized that you can't fix people. One of the reasons I've always said that I attract women with issues and baggage is because I am pretty free of baggage and issues myself, thereforeeee women see my shoulders as having plenty of room to put theirs on. Make any sense?

 

In my last relationship however, the reason I ended up on these boards, is because my estranged g/f pushed me away because she couldnt find anything wrong with me...lol...after being used to being treated like crap by selfish and uncaring men...and she didnt know how to handle it I dont think.

 

Anyway, I can relate. I'm one of those guys. We don't always "go looking" for the psycho's...they seem to find us like flies find *beep*! And we are worse off because of it. I would love to meet a well ground woman who has her emotional *beep* together.

[dontstopbelivin]

Royltnxile and I are pretty much the same "nice guys" that you speak of. Everyone has been hurt once in our lifetime, and everyone needs someone to talk to (Hence this forum). Nice guys (and girls) do finish last, but only because people that come into our lives leave for terrible ones. Let us say that we are the jumping off point for these people who jump into relationships without a parachutte. It always comes craching down. And when they need us, we may not be there. Keep in mind, we are nice because we don't have a mean bone in our body.We are often the "welcome mat" for those who seek refuge, but all they do is wipe their dirty shoes on us. Keep your head up, and remember who came out better in this relationship. You are too good for him, you are the one with out the baggage.

[djedix]

nice guys care to much, that's our problem..

 

Same thing with me, my ex had tons of baggage, and when she broke up with me she had no reason... she made up a reason to break up. I wanted to help her, but i couldn't because she wouldnt let me, just like anyone else with baggage. I have a nack for wanting to help people who are sad, or whatever. I've done it a few times, and have gotten my heart broken in the process.

 

Am i really attracted to these types of girls? no, not at all anymore. I just want to find a nice girl, with no problems, and who knows what she wants, and what she wants to do with her life. Is that to much to ask? It's a little hard not to fall for someone with baggage, but if you relize that your really not going to help them, then you'll back off. We have big hearts, and we c are to much. that's the nice guys problem...

[Mun]

Hello there,

The girls he dated in the past were unstable, I wonder if maybe he finds this emotional see-saw thrilling. He never knows what is going to happen next with these girls.. so he is always guessing and on his toes. He likes this set-up, even if he ends up broken hearted in the end, because maybe he finds it fun.

 

With a more relaxed and stable girl ( you) things become more predictable and he might find himself bored or just not as interested because there is no drama.

 

What to do? If he is seriously drawn to the drama queen type of girl and you are not like that -- he is not the guy for you.

 

...If you think maybe you could use a little spontaneity then by all means don't be too "safe". You can be level-headed and fun too without all the drama.

[Nebular]

My boyfriend is a "nice guy" and it's true, his last girlfriends were kinda messed up. His last one who he was with for 2 years was a REAL piece of work lemmie tellya. She hurt him, he won't admit it but she did.

 

He told me I was the first girl he's ever dated that really has it toghether. That gives me peace. I can't understand how anyone could have dumped him because he was "too nice". Sheesh! Isn't that what we're all looking for? A guy who is just nice as can be? I mean sure, I don't want a pushover who's all "Whatever you say hunny!" But, man. I dated some jerks who were emotionally immature and stupid, and it feels darn good to be with this guy.

[Royltnxile]

I'm loving this board because it really hits home, as I posted above!

 

I've never really been attracted to the "drama queen", "emotionally unstable", or insecure women...as I said they seem to find me for reasons unknown to myself.

 

My last g/f, the one who pushed me away for no apparent reason after things were going so well is a prime example of low self esteem, insecurity, anxiety, low body self image...she has aspects of all of them. As much as I"m still in love with her, I'm starting to realize that I can't fix her.

 

I feel because I am a "nice guy"...who isnt a geeky dork, I deserve to find an emotionally stable put together "nice"girl who knows what she is all about, and has minimal issues. I"m a good man with a good heart who knows how to properly treat a women without playing games. I think there are alot of women, especially the emotionally damaged ones, that don't know how to handle this type of guy, a guy like myself. Nothing is quite as scary as being faced with the prospect of getting exactly what you've always wanted...and the nicer you are to them...the faster they run!. That's why the emotionally damaged women out there will continue to want what they can't have. They are too scared, and think too little of themselves to realize that they deserve a good man and a healthy relationship. Their baggage is their own worst enemy in finding emotionally fulfilling relationships, thereforeeee they become experts at self-deceipt and self-sabotage. At least thats my take on it from dealing with my current ex g/f. It hurst like hell, but it saddens me because I almost feel sorry for her.

 

As I posted on one of my online personal ads: "Looking for a girl I'm not going to need a libray of relationship/self-help books to understand!"

[temperamental_taurus]

I was once told by a man that if I didn't play head games with my boyfriends, that'd I'd end up alone. Well, unfortunately, I can not play the mind games etc... and I am truly a very loving "Nice Girl"... and so apparently I am fated to wind up alone??? We'll see... but I absolutely REFUSE to treat someone I care about poorly - it just doesn't make sense to me. That is because I have respect for both myself and the other person. I would give ANYTHING to find a truly "Nice Guy" (I WILL find one - there's gotta be ONE left somewhere) and once I do, will hang on tight. It takes someone who is secure with themselves, mentally healthy and has self-respect to WANT a nice guy and not all the drama that comes with the partners who are forever riding their emotional rollercoasters!!!! (Personally, all that up & down stuff makes me sick to my stomach and Dramamine's expensive!!! would rather get off the ride and feel better....)

[dontstopbelivin]

I feel good venting on this board.....

 

My ex had a lot of insecurities that, as any NICE person would do, try to mend or help them through their insecurities. She had a lot of family problems, which often landed in my hands for me to handle. I loved her and I wanted to help her. All she would do is tell me over and over all of her problems, to the point where I was gonna charge her for therapy sessions. I loved her alot, but I cannot have all of the energy to help someone who isn't going to help themselves. I'm a very upbeat person, but she always brought me down. Then she broke up with me with no reason for a guy that apparently calls her "goober." A sure winner i bet, and not my problem anymore.

 

Going back to your situation, I think what he is going through is a feeling of being needed. You have everything going for you, you are a nice and laid back girl. He couldn't help you. You shouldn't invent a problem to get him back, but realize there are two types of people out there. Those who want to help, and those who want help. Nice people get suckered into relationships with people that need us. It great to feel wanted, but we have to realize what WE are getting in return.

[dontstopbelivin]

I feel good venting on this board.....

 

My ex had a lot of insecurities that, as any NICE person would do, try to mend or help them through their insecurities. She had a lot of family problems, which often landed in my hands for me to handle. I loved her and I wanted to help her. All she would do is tell me over and over all of her problems, to the point where I was gonna charge her for therapy sessions. I loved her alot, but I cannot have all of the energy to help someone who isn't going to help themselves. I'm a very upbeat person, but she always brought me down. Then she broke up with me with no reason for a guy that apparently calls her "goober." A sure winner i bet, and not my problem anymore.

 

Going back to your situation, I think what he is going through is a feeling of being needed. You have everything going for you, you are a nice and laid back girl. He couldn't help you. You shouldn't invent a problem to get him back, but realize there are two types of people out there. Those who want to help, and those who want help. Nice people get suckered into relationships with people that need us. It great to feel wanted, but we have to realize what WE are getting in return.

[Nebular]

maybe we're the exception then. I am not a needy person, I don't need him emotionally, he's not my security blanket. But I love him, very much so. He's a nice guy, a very very nice guy who HAS had those other kind of relationships we're talking about. But it's not always the rule; not all girls who date good-to-a-fault guys are leeches.

[CaseOfInsanity]

I've read a book called 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and it is one of the most insightful book I've ever read about this 'Nice Guy' Syndrome.

 

According to the book, all nice guys seem to think that they have a perceived inherent badness that makes them unlovable. So they end up picking partners who have challenges e.g. financial problems, depressed, over-weight, non-sexual, etc so nice guy can divert the attention of his perceived flaws to his partner.

[delicous]

Guys like this 9 times out of 10 have control issues

[Dosed]

Guys like this 9 times out of 10 have control issues

 

That's a bold statement...

[sombersun]

I'm thinking there's a fine line between putting your foot down and controlling.

 

Relationships are so darn difficult.

[ellandroader]

Guys like this 9 times out of 10 have control issues

 

I have to say I disagree with that. I actually think that the emotionally unstable types (either male or female) like the nicer types (again, male AND female, not being gender specific) because they like the attention, the feeling of being special and important. Some know a nicer type is not likely to lash out as much and put them into check, so instead, they can get away with manipulation or emotions and so forth.

 

They wouldn't get away with that because a "bad boy" wouldn't tolerate it. The problem with nice people is that they care, and will tolerate it. Some only to an extent (that's me and I admit, I have dated a fair share of girls who turned out to be wrong for me).

 

For me, that's the control issue. To be abusive, rude, unwilling to shift baggage or change, then constantly question your partner's commitment if they want to leave or suck up to them until they're sweet again. I would say that's a control problem. Unfortunately the nicer types need to strike a balance between their altruistic nature and what they perceive to be enough.

 

As for me personally - I don't seek that type of girl but they do find me somehow. I tend to see the best in people so perhaps that's why it happens.

[Seymore]

I'm a nice guy who winds up with nutty girls. I know the problem isn't me looking for that type of person because they come to me as well. I think that before my ex, over the course of 1 year three of them (whom I also worked with) asked me out. All emotionally unstable, and oddly enough now that I think about it, all single moms.

 

The ones that I chased and dated - well, I could see the signs early on, but I stuck with them. I DIDN'T think "this isn't going to work in the end anyway" or anything like that, but while my gut was saying "there's trouble here", I stuck with it. Why? Not 100% sure. I want to say it was a mix between the "knight in shining armor" syndrome and genuinely wanting to WORK on things instead of running away at the first sign of trouble. I guess it was like saying "I chased this person, and I wanted a relationship with them. Now it's my job to devote myself to it". Well, if the other person isn't devoted to it, it's tough to maintain. But I'd still give it every last drop I had to the point where the stress was keeping me up every night and unable to eat.

 

I learned that not sleeping or eating is not something that should be happening, but I'm still going to give it my all. Any girl who's ever dated me cannot deny that I am 100% being the best boyfriend I can possibly be - this I'm confident of, and when I leave a relationship, I KNOW I gave it my all. But I need to know my limits a little better.

[Seymore]

Guys like this 9 times out of 10 have control issues

 

Nope. It's the opposite, I believe. The nice guys usually ALLOW the behavior to happen. Which guys are the ones telling their girlfriends what they can and can't do? The nice guys or the bad guys?

 

If a nice guy allows his girlfriend to get away with stuff, he's enabling. If he puts his foot down, he's controlling. If he chooses to walk away from the relationship, he's a quitter. I don't get it?