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feeling suffocated by his family


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ok so me and my partner have been together for nearly 15months and its amazing, we are so happy together that 6 months into our relationship i decided to move in with him, well i say decided, it was more like i stayed over at his one week and just never left lol. he is a full time dad to a 7 year old boy who is completely happy with me living with them (otherwise i wouldn't be there) we have some awesome times together. The problem is his family, for the first 6 months of us dating we had the usual family 'get to know you' get togethers', family meals e.c.t. it was nice i liked that, not too invading on our privacy, got to know them on my own terms, but since i moved in its been an absolute nightmare! before i moved in i would be at his house literally every other night and weekend if we werent working late or had other plans and his family hardly ever came over, but now they are here ALL the time and i cant cope, dont get me wrong they are lovely people, but they have no respect for our privacy, at all!. they just turn up at all hours of the day regardless of what we might be doing or have planned, no call or txt to say hey you free, or hi, is it ok if we call for a cuppa, nope just waltz straight through door whatever the hour or day. Sunday morning just got up sat in my skimpys and ill have them piling through the door, and its never just one person they have to make it an annual get together, mum, dad, sister, cousin, nieces, nephews, etc, everyone come along to so and so's house for breakfast! theyl come round after work and its like oh your home for 6, ill turn up at 6.01, dont even get chance to take my shoes off. i could deal with it if they just 'called in' but half the time i have them on my sofa while 10 o clock at night, no amount of yawns or hints about having to get up for work at half 5 in the morning seems to shift them, if me and my partner have plans to go out for the day or a meal or night out or something and they turn up its like oh sounds brill, wel come with you! aaarggghh, feel like me and my boyfriend never get a minute together. and they treat me like i should be with them and my boyfriend for EVERYTHING they do together too, if his mum cooks tea i am expected to be there, calling to drop off a card or gift-i have to be there, picks up some milk or something for his mum- yep i have to go drop it off with him! cant say no to anything regarding his family cos all ill get is 'where is she??? why isnt she here?? like me and my boyfriend should be joint at the hip!

its seriously tearing us apart cos i'm starting to resent spending any time with them at all and my boyfriend cant understand why ive started to say no to doing stuff with them, that its me that's in the wrong and i should want to spend time with them! really, am i that bad a person for wanting to spent one measley day with my boyfriend, just me and him, on our own!

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Does he see the daily surprise gatherings as a problem? Do you live together officially or do you still have your own apartment?


You need to talk with your partner calmly. Explain how you like his family but you need some time alone with him or even on your own. You want to visit and like them coming over but you need to know before hand. And you can't always be there for every random tea time. Then you could talk to his family together or he could. If he sees no problem then it's a bit more complicated. If you have your own flat still then maybe occationnaly go there for the night.


Also a more passive aggressive approach is that when they show up say that you were just about to leave and then go shopping or for a run. And if you are sleepy, just to to bed and tell them to lock up when they go.


Also you don't have to show up to everything. If they ask where she is then he can say that " she had plans" like it's no big deal. He should have a conversation with his mum about the situation.


Do you think that it being your partner house has an effect? So they don't consider it your house? If you got a place together then you could maybe have more say in it. Unless you have agreed that it is also your place and you have an equal decision making rights.

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I have the same problem with my husband, but I talked to him. I said, we don't need to go everywhere with your parents or family, if he feels that he wants to spend time with his parents, he's welcome but I'm not going to be joining in every event. My husband is okay with that, he didn't know how much it impacted me. So now, we only see his family once a week on our terms.


Morale of the story is, you need to talk to your boyfriend. He won't know it's bothering you to this extent until you tell him. He's not a mind reader, this might be something he's used to so he doesn't think it's a big deal.


No, you are not a terrible person for feeling this way. I don't think my situation is nearly as bad as yours and it was already driving me crazy. Coming over unannounced is very rude in my opinion, I would be bothered by that. Just talk to your boyfriend, it's only fair if you let him know.

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They've been a family like this for a long long time and it's not going to change. It's what your bf knows and encourages.It's his and his son's home and they can invite the family over whenever they want.


It's tearing You apart, not your bf or his son or his family. They are all happy with it.


It was way too much too soon too fast. You are completely incompatible when it comes to relationship expectations together time and families. The only option you have is to move back to your place.

we are so happy together that 6 months into our relationship i decided to move in with him. he is a full time dad to a 7 year old boy. its seriously tearing us apart cos i'm starting to resent spending any time with them at all and my boyfriend cant understand why ive started to say no to doing stuff with them,
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I think just coming over for the weekend and not leaving is the wrong thing to have done. Moving in together is a big deal, especially with a kid and talking about it ahead of time was in order. Honestly, in your case, he likes the convenience of having you there and it doesn't mean he's committed. I think you have no real space to complain about the family - you sort of just showed up with no formal arrangement into their lives already in progress - a single dad with a kid who has likely had a lot of family help raising his kid, etc. You have no say on calling the shots here. Things are going to be like they were before you met. Maybe you didn't notice it so much because you only slept over on odd days and didn't live there. If you guys were to have talked about living together and then found a new place that was for the three of you, that's different, but if he already lived this lifestyle, and you sort of slithered in there, you can't come in and dictate.


I would suggest you do things by yourself sometimes and also give him time to spend with his family without you. And maybe plan a date day with just him alone. Not to get mad if his family shows up - but to actually have a real plan.


Also, the family may be around slightly more because they could be concerned about the whole situation. If he owns the home and all the sudden a girl he's dating just never left his place.

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