I finally did it, so why doesn't it feel very good?

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, I went out today, after another horrible weekend of his , and rented myself an apartment. (He stabbed my sub-woofer with a screwdriver and mistook one of my friends and threatened them to stay away from me. Made a fool of himself and I had to apologize for him. I always said that if any destruction of property occurred that was it. So be it. I'm moving out in 3 weeks. I should be happy, right? Well, I'm not - although I know I should be. He's just fine with it or so he appears. How can he be when he's losing me because of his drinking and the way it modifies his behaviors??? How can he feel alright that he just caused the loss of someone who truly loved him because he couldn't stop drinking??? He says he'll be better off without ME, that I need to learn how to "take care of a man". How can he say this is all because of ME??? I've only stood beside him, encouraging him, forgiving him, tolerating him... all for nothing!!! This is breaking my heart....

[kskm]

First off you are 30 and this isn't your first relationship so you should kno w that this is not normal behavior and this is not your fault. If possible I would try to move out sooner. This may not be possible since the apartment makes the decision. Just try to ignore and stay away from him. If he will destroy your property, he will hurt you.

[DN]

The fact is that you love the man behind the drinking but he really doesn't exist anymore. Unless he can control that the relationship cannot continue. You have tried to help him, but alcoholics can only be helped if they want to stop drinking - and, at least for now, he does not want to hard enough. He says nasty things out of guilt because he knows he should stop drinking but can't or won't.

 

I strongly urge you to see if you can find somewhere else to stay until your apartment becomes available. Stabbing a sub-woofer and threatening your friends are signs that he may become violent. The sooner you are away from him the better.

 

I hope you recover from this situation soon. Remember that his drinking is not your fault - do not allow him to put the blame on you for the relationship failing.

[temperamental_taurus]

I realize this isn't normal behavior but this is the FIRST alcoholic person I've ever been with - and I guess being who I am I wanted to help him. It doesn't make it any easier, though - because even though there's something wrong with him, the only thing wrong with ME is that I'm too tolerant. I guess I just need validation that I'm doing the right thing, cause it doesn't feel RIGHT to walk away and leave him like this.

[Beec]

He's addicted to the drinking, and the addiction is making his choices. Until he can see through and use his will to pick something or someone besides the addiction, then he needs to be left alone.

[kskm]

He can only be helped if he wants to be. I would leave pamphlets of AA on the table, and a letter tell him that he needs to straighten out his addiction and then maybe you two can talk. That's all you can do.

[temperamental_taurus]

It just hurts

[DN]

You are doing the right thing. Perhaps the fact that you are walking away is the thing that will finally make him seek help. It could be that the f act you were staying made it easier for him to continue.

 

as to leaving him like this, it is not as if you were leaving because he had a heart attack or lost a limb. Although alcoholism is recognised as an illness, it is treatable if not curable, but he has to want the treatment.

 

You also have a duty to yourself and must safeguard your own interests. You are under no obligation to sacrifice yourself for someone who will not assist himself in any way.

[temperamental_taurus]

I have a hard time with all the "BUTS" "BUT when he's not drinking he's so wonderful" because he is - yet he drinks daily so I rarely get to see that person. I also wanna scream "BUT it's not fair that I lose out and have my heart broken because of alcohol, am I not worth more than that???" HE can drink himself into a stupor where all I can do is suffer through it all by myself... I sound so childish saying this but it's not FAIR!!!!

[avman]

No you're right, it isn't fair. Its not fair to lose a dream because of an addiction. Its not fair that you have to suffer because of choices he is making. Its not fair that you have to sacrifice. But you are doing the right thing. And it is going to be very hard.

 

You are allowed to feel bad about this. You can grieve the loss of the relationship and the way you hoped things would be. The person you are with is not the person you fell in love with. And you need to come to terms with that reality.

[HajiMaji]

Hey, you are definitely doing the right thing. I know what it feels like to want to help a person. Try to remember how good of a person you are regardless of what this guy says.

 

One of my favorite quotes from the art of war is something like, "Those who appear weak are strong, and those who appear strong are weak"

 

Ive applied that to my last relationship and when he says hell be better off without you its just a front. Its possible he really believes it. Guilt like that can run deep.

 

You may appear to be sad and unsure, but thats because you are genuine. If you told me you were going to move out of a boyfriends house because he has a problem you cant help and you didnt feel sad or scared or unsure, then id say you are lying Thats what hes doing right now. Just do your thing and hopefully everything will work out in time.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thank you all for all your kind words, though they're hard to read through the tears... I need them right now... I feel like I'm dying inside...

[avman]

Go ahead and cry. Your body is trying to deal with the stress of the situation. Let it all out, don't hold it inside. You'll feel a lot better if you just let the tears come and let the emotions pour out of you for awhile.

 

You might want to call a friend and either go there or have them come spend some time with you while you go through this. A true friend will understand and be there by your side.

[temperamental_taurus]

I have no friends - they were all cut off a long time ago because they were all male and HE didn't approve... I do have family though, just they're 2 hours away

[avman]

Then call your family and talk to them for awhile. If it's what you have available under the circumstances then make use of it. Trust me they'll understand. Give them a ring. A soothing human voice will calm you.

[temperamental_taurus]

Thank you Life bites for me right now...

[temperamental_taurus]

(Hope that wasn't a bad word!!!) Ugh, I need a drink... SO KIDDING!!!

[avman]

Noooooooo drinking!!

[DN]

Call AlAnon. It is an organization allied to Alcoholics Anonymous but for the family/partners of alcoholics, they will be able to give you advice and support because they have been or are in the same situation as you.

[DN]

link removed

[temperamental_taurus]

(I was kidding about the drinking part) a small attempt at humor... I don't drink... but I may look into the Al-Anon thing... I need to understand how, why and what I could have done differently...

[DN]

Maybe, but your main concern should be how to disengage your emotions from this guy and move on. Constantly evaluating the relationship won't help you do that.

[apollocreed71]

He chose alcohol over you.

[justsweetgirl]

Avman said it best. Also, there is no negotiating with an alcoholic. Asking him to choose does not and will not work. It's an addiction. Educate yourself about alcoholism. That's why groups exist, not just for the addict, but for friends and families of those afflicted. Because alcoholism is a disease. I have known the nicest, sweetest, most compassionate people who wouldn't think twice about pushing their own mothers in front of a train if she was standing between them and a six-pack. Good luck.

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, on the bright side - I've learned a valuable lesson... to notice the signs/symptoms of a substance abuser and to stay away... How can I rationalize with him when he's only had about 7 full days without drinking in 6 months? We truly had no chance of ever working out, he made sure of that. I was also thinking that someday he'll realize what he's done - but even THAT I'm beginning to doubt because his sense of reality was altered due to the high volumes of beer he consumes - he probably DOES think I'm to blame and everything and everyone else - for HIS problems. I'll be glad when the pain stops... and I know there's someone out there waiting for a person like me, who is willing to give as much as he's given... and all of this is just filler until I find him. I have the rest of my life ahead of me, I'm glad to finally be starting on my way again. There's a song ... "God bless the broken roads that lead me straight to you..." This was just one more journey I had to take until I find the place where I'm supposed to be.