Boyfriend's Family Is Causing Huge Rift

[pochoko]

This isn't so much a problem as it is my absolute bafflement with a situation/me venting. I wanted some opinions on possible causes/methods of action.

 

In a nutshell, my partner's brother has had a complete personality transplant and openly hates us. His wife was the same, in the whole time I knew her. I have literally no idea why. The parents of my partner and his brother have made the situation untenable and I am not sure how to proceed. If it were up to me, I would have nothing to do with them.

 

Some backstory; my partner is 33, but has in the last two years of his life been a waster and hasn't really gotten himself sorted. He had an amazing job working on mega-yachts as a personal chef which paid well, was satisfying, etc... but he got home two years ago, has been living at home since, and has been lazy and shiftless in terms of how to progress his career and complained about it regularly. Recently, a friend of his from the yachts has approached him to join her successful catering business so hopefully by September he will have moved out and will be much happier/with a sense of direction. I believe in him, but he's had a tendency before of having pie-in-the-sky dreams, not following through and jerking around/disappointing his family. I don't think he gets much support from them, however, and since I've been with him, I've seen him work very hard, get himself out of debt, save a lot of money and so whilst I share their reservations/exhaustion with his lack of realism, I believe he's doing his best and I'm happy if he's happy, stable and can support himself. At the moment he's living in the family home, and his parents (a policewoman and a construction business director) split their time between the family home and an apartment (for work reasons).

 

I met my partner's brother because my partner has been living at home with his brother and his brother's wife for the last two years. My partner's brother, Blue, was an artist for a long time, who lived a pretty fast life (drugs, squatting, living for art) and met, wed and knocked up his American wife, L, all in the space of six months. As a gesture of goodwill because Blue and L were pregnant and couldn't afford the lifestyle of their chosen city, the parents offered them the family home for six months to get themselves sorted. Fast forward TWO YEARS, and Blue is working as an unqualified tradesman for his father earning an insane wage, (another gesture of goodwill), paying minimal rent in the beautiful family home and L, who refuses to work and claims to be insanely depressed and missing America, stays at home with the baby, makes a stonking mess of the house and spends Blue's money. She then decided to emigrate to America with Blue and the baby.

 

I walk into this house as a guest of my partner, and for the year of knowing him, Blue has never said a word to me. He avoids eye contact, avoids looking at me, waits until I move away from him until he moves. He's like a specter at the feast. He's rude to my partner and generally looks completely miserable/frightening. He's a beautiful man, and according to everyone was a very fun person. I can honestly say I have never been made to feel so uncomfortable and am frightened of him, and I'm aghast because I've always been nice. Everyone said he changed after L. Blue and L were never affectionate with each other, and fought often. The house was often moody, silent and uncomfortable.

 

He used to live communally and was motivated to produce his art work, rather than what I see of him, which is materialism and money. It seemed to start with the marriage to L. L started off pleasant enough, but after a while of me being there regularly, she must have complained to Blue and it all kicked off. She said that she was scared of my partner and I because we came home raging drunk, late, and frightened the baby, and she was terrified of both me and my partner and didn't want us in the house for the safety of her child. I was never anything but pleasant to her, often buying her coffee and asking her how she was...I was subject to her cold shouldering, temper tantrums, refusal to share food (despite my frequently buying dinner) and I, for reasons relating to abuse in my past, do not drink. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was working a lot, and was very quiet/respectful in the house, often staying in my partner's room for most of the day so as to give her space, and looking forward to going to university after recovering from a traumatic, abusive relationship previously. Partying was not in my MO, and if it was, (i.e. staying out late, smoking a bit of weed with mates) I never brought it to the home specifically because of the child. I offered to look after the baby several time (I like kids) to give her a rest since she always complained of being tired and depressed. As a result of L's manipulation, Blue and my partner had an argument, which resulted in the parents getting involved. I was banned from being in the house, and my partner had to move out temporarily so L could 'recover her calm' and was only allowed to reside there if one of the parents were home. She has since left the UK, moving home because she 'couldn't cope with life' any more here, and took the baby with her. Blue is to follow her in three months time. I am allowed back in the house, as though nothing has ever happened. Blue still ignores me with venom and lashes out at his brother, sometimes trying to involve me. I turn around from these hostile situations and say nothing.

 

I, personally, come from an open, communicative family. My mother opined that she would never have given L and Blue the free run of the house, particularly as L refused to work despite the child reaching the age of three before they left, and would never have bent over backwards to accommodate their ridiculous demands for privacy in a house that they did not own, as well as believing their side without even consulting my partner or speaking to me/apologizing (a guest!). Our home was always open to my partner, and I feel really disrespected by his parents. I don't give a damn about Blue and L, they just seem like very ignorant, unhappy people. But his parents? How could they let that go on? His mother once shooed me out of the house when L was there, as though I was a stray cat. Not once have they addressed this, and I don't feel comfortable raising the issue. My partner gets very upset if I refuse to come to his home, offering that it's a bad situation but once Blue has left it won't matter, and he's sorry but that's the way it is.

 

I feel like his parents are scared Blue won't like America and his marriage will disintegrate, and they want to offer him a way back. Or they want to see the grandchild, and L would take pleasure in refusing to let them see him, despite what they have done for her. I feel like Blue is arrogant, and L was an angsty, self-entitled pain in the ass, and I don't understand how I caused enough offense to warrant that kind of reaction. Calling someone a danger to a child is a serious accusation. I feel that, at 22, I'm just some little fool they can move around as they please when I become too much hard work, rather than confronting Blue on his horrendous behaviour.

 

I wonder if Blue resents my partner and I because we invaded their family home, but my partner paid rent, and L never paid for a damn thing, and it was not Blue's house, so I don't understand their problem. My partner says it may be because L was a prude and we did have sex at his house a few times. I feel like it had less to do with me and more about me getting in the way, invading her family home. And now Blue still hates me! I can't tell if it's because hurting me means hurting my partner or whether, like my partner says, Blue is jealous as my partner is his own man and Blue feels trapped by his marriage and child the former or which he has grown apart from. Originally Blue and my partner were the closest out of all of the brothers.

 

My partner's mother tries to manipulate me by bagging my partner to my face, hoping I'll influence his next move (she wants him to try nursing)...the father is pleasant enough but distant. They both just seem to want an easy life, no one has any respect or interest in me as a person, and I feel like some tool. I don't want to go around there, and I'm beginning to resent my partner for putting himself and me in this situation.

 

I hate, hate this situation, and I am hurt my partner's parents. I don't know how to proceed, or why this has happened. Is it worth talking to Blue or the parents? Or should I just play the doormat for a little while longer...

 

It has put major strain on our relationship and I'm at a loss.

[happyfrank]

View point from his family. How often did he bring new girls home? Maybe his family is used to him bringing in new girls and don't want to be attached to you in case it doesn't workout. Their just tired of the cycle of girls.

[nutbrownhare]

This sounds a very unhealthy, baffling, toxic situation. If your partner won't make the break, and the whole situation is a nightmare, then it's going to be down to you to take care of yourself.

 

I understand from your post that you're not living in the house with them all...? If you ARE - get out, now! If not, explain to your partner that you're not prepared to visit him there because of all the madness and drama, but he's welcome to come and see you at your place. Don't waste any more time trying to analyse the other family members or partners - it's trying to make sense out of something senseless, and will get you nowhere.

 

Hopefully, getting the new job will help him make sense of his life. This bit stands out for me, though:

I believe in him, but he's had a tendency before of having pie-in-the-sky dreams, not following through and jerking around/disappointing his family. I don't think he gets much support from them, however

 

WHY are you putting so much faith in someone who by your own admission has pie-in-the-sky dreams? Also, at the age of 33 he should be living his own life and supporting himself, not looking to his dysfunctional family for approval and support. They should not be looking to you to influence another adult in his life choices. It's not your job, any more than it's theirs.

 

All you can do is detach and refuse to get sucked into the drama. If this spells the end of your relationship, so be it. Be aware that to stay with him means that the rest of the family are part of the package... and do you really want that?

[pochoko]

He never brought girls home. He did live away from home for a long time, too. I'm his second serious relationship. The last girl he brought home he was with for 7 years...

[pochoko]

All you can do is detach and refuse to get sucked into the drama. If this spells the end of your relationship, so be it. Be aware that to stay with him means that the rest of the family are part of the package... and do you really want that?

 

I agree. I'm leaving for university in September and I'll be glad to be away from it. I live with my mum and dad at the moment, to save money before university starts. Previously I used to live on my own, so I'm not used to this kind of tension and relying on your family so heavily. I'm not living with my partner at the moment, and will not do for the foreseeable future. You're probably right about wasting time analyzing them. I just really resent being treated this way when I'm technically a guest in their home. We originally broke up because of issues regarding his work ethic, but he really made an effort to change and I wanted to believe it because he was actioning it. These kind of situations make me question the point, however. I can't talk to him about it, or his family...it's just very unnecessary and isolating.

[DancingFool]

Not really sure why you are so involved with his family.

His brother, whatever issues he has, is not your problem. If he doesn't want to look at you or so much as acknowledge your presence, I mean it's weird behavior, but it's his problem. Don't make it yours and don't make it about yourself.

How his parents deal with their adult children, what they choose to provide for them, etc. Again, that's their problem and absolutely none of your business.

L. like it or not is family. You are just a gf. Again, whatever issues L has, they have to give her precedence like it or not. Not the parent's problem to mediate between the two of you. She is the wife of their son and the mother of their grandchild, not to mention actually living with them. So yes, they will shoo you out to keep the peace for themselves. Again, you are just a gf.

 

Ultimately, I really don't understand why you are spending so much of your time at their house when it's obviously a pretty weird place and a bad environment to be in. Your bf himself should want to be out of there as much as possible and if he doesn't.....that's a big red flag for you in that he likes this dysfunction and will bring it with him to your relationship too.

 

Finally, yeah, agree with above poster. Why are you so invested in maybe sort of kind of potential of what this guy might do when by your own admission, he is dreamer, not a doer? He is 33, unemployed, living at home, in a dysfunctional household, known to be flaky - what you see is what you get. Don't bank your hopes that he is going to suddenly change and become a totally different man. Also, him and his family appear to be a package deal. So if you don't like his family.....maybe time to rethink this whole relationship. You say that your family is lovely so perhaps look for someone who comes from the same background? That might be a whole lot better for you.

[pochoko]

Finally, yeah, agree with above poster. Why are you so invested in maybe sort of kind of potential of what this guy might do when by your own admission, he is dreamer, not a doer? He is 33, unemployed, living at home, in a dysfunctional household, known to be flaky - what you see is what you get. Don't bank your hopes that he is going to suddenly change and become a totally different man. Also, him and his family appear to be a package deal. So if you don't like his family.....maybe time to rethink this whole relationship. You say that your family is lovely so perhaps look for someone who comes from the same background? That might be a whole lot better for you.

 

 

He hasn't been unemployed. He's been earning, hence saving and getting out of debt.

 

And in my opinion mate, it doesn't really matter if I'm 'just a gf', there's basic human decency. I'm a person too, and to lie about me, blatantly, when I have spent time trying to have a normal relationship with his family, which he said was important to him - the same way he has done with mine - is not okay, regardless of her needs taking precedence.

 

I get it, just back off from the situation and go from there. I was just venting. I find it weird how people can justify that kind of behaviour. It wasn't how I was raised.

[DancingFool]

He hasn't been unemployed. He's been earning, hence saving and getting out of debt.

 

And in my opinion mate, it doesn't really matter if I'm 'just a gf', there's basic human decency. I'm a person too, and to lie about me, blatantly, when I have spent time trying to have a normal relationship with his family, which he said was important to him - the same way he has done with mine - is not okay, regardless of her needs taking precedence.

 

I get it, just back off from the situation and go from there. I was just venting. I find it weird how people can justify that kind of behaviour. It wasn't how I was raised.

 

That's kind of the point. You can't have a normal relationship with abnormal dysfunctional people. You'd have better luck hammering a square peg into a round hole. Not only are they going to suck you into their dysfunction, they will destroy you. Remember, they grew up with it and can function within it. You came from a normal family and this is foreign waters to you that you are not equipped to navigate.

 

Btw, nobody here is justifying their behavior. What we are telling you is that you are not going to change them or fix them, the only thing you can do in the short term is keep away from them. In long term....you really really really need to rethink this relationship. Perhaps going off to uni is a good time to break away from this mess.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like the issue is both of you living with family and no privacy. Your bf living with extended family whom he must try to get along with.

 

As a guest in their home, be polite, stay out of their business, do not overstay your welcome, stop hanging out there and visiting too much and do not try to pit your bf against them or put him in the middle.

 

They are housing him and he can't worry about family strife caused by an unhappy gf. Does he complain about your family?

I'm leaving for university in September and I'll be glad to be away from it. I live with my mum and dad at the moment, to save money before university starts. I'm not living with my partner at the moment, and will not do for the foreseeable future. I'm technically a guest in their home.I can't talk to him about it, or his family.

[nutbrownhare]

Btw, nobody here is justifying their behavior. What we are telling you is that you are not going to change them or fix them, the only thing you can do in the short term is keep away from them. In long term....you really really really need to rethink this relationship. Perhaps going off to uni is a good time to break away from this mess.

 

Yes, quite. They sounds like a bunch of whackjobs, and someone from a nice, healthy family isn't going to be able to connect with them or understand them. Don't even try!

 

Many of us have difficult families, but we all have a choice about how much craziness we're prepared to take on board or how much contact we have with them. Unfortunately, your guy seems to be enmeshed with them and, unless something happens to change this, you will be too for as long as you stay in this relationship.