pochoko Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 This isn't so much a problem as it is my absolute bafflement with a situation/me venting. I wanted some opinions on possible causes/methods of action. In a nutshell, my partner's brother has had a complete personality transplant and openly hates us. His wife was the same, in the whole time I knew her. I have literally no idea why. The parents of my partner and his brother have made the situation untenable and I am not sure how to proceed. If it were up to me, I would have nothing to do with them. Some backstory; my partner is 33, but has in the last two years of his life been a waster and hasn't really gotten himself sorted. He had an amazing job working on mega-yachts as a personal chef which paid well, was satisfying, etc... but he got home two years ago, has been living at home since, and has been lazy and shiftless in terms of how to progress his career and complained about it regularly. Recently, a friend of his from the yachts has approached him to join her successful catering business so hopefully by September he will have moved out and will be much happier/with a sense of direction. I believe in him, but he's had a tendency before of having pie-in-the-sky dreams, not following through and jerking around/disappointing his family. I don't think he gets much support from them, however, and since I've been with him, I've seen him work very hard, get himself out of debt, save a lot of money and so whilst I share their reservations/exhaustion with his lack of realism, I believe he's doing his best and I'm happy if he's happy, stable and can support himself. At the moment he's living in the family home, and his parents (a policewoman and a construction business director) split their time between the family home and an apartment (for work reasons). I met my partner's brother because my partner has been living at home with his brother and his brother's wife for the last two years. My partner's brother, Blue, was an artist for a long time, who lived a pretty fast life (drugs, squatting, living for art) and met, wed and knocked up his American wife, L, all in the space of six months. As a gesture of goodwill because Blue and L were pregnant and couldn't afford the lifestyle of their chosen city, the parents offered them the family home for six months to get themselves sorted. Fast forward TWO YEARS, and Blue is working as an unqualified tradesman for his father earning an insane wage, (another gesture of goodwill), paying minimal rent in the beautiful family home and L, who refuses to work and claims to be insanely depressed and missing America, stays at home with the baby, makes a stonking mess of the house and spends Blue's money. She then decided to emigrate to America with Blue and the baby. I walk into this house as a guest of my partner, and for the year of knowing him, Blue has never said a word to me. He avoids eye contact, avoids looking at me, waits until I move away from him until he moves. He's like a specter at the feast. He's rude to my partner and generally looks completely miserable/frightening. He's a beautiful man, and according to everyone was a very fun person. I can honestly say I have never been made to feel so uncomfortable and am frightened of him, and I'm aghast because I've always been nice. Everyone said he changed after L. Blue and L were never affectionate with each other, and fought often. The house was often moody, silent and uncomfortable. He used to live communally and was motivated to produce his art work, rather than what I see of him, which is materialism and money. It seemed to start with the marriage to L. L started off pleasant enough, but after a while of me being there regularly, she must have complained to Blue and it all kicked off. She said that she was scared of my partner and I because we came home raging drunk, late, and frightened the baby, and she was terrified of both me and my partner and didn't want us in the house for the safety of her child. I was never anything but pleasant to her, often buying her coffee and asking her how she was...I was subject to her cold shouldering, temper tantrums, refusal to share food (despite my frequently buying dinner) and I, for reasons relating to abuse in my past, do not drink. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was working a lot, and was very quiet/respectful in the house, often staying in my partner's room for most of the day so as to give her space, and looking forward to going to university after recovering from a traumatic, abusive relationship previously. Partying was not in my MO, and if it was, (i.e. staying out late, smoking a bit of weed with mates) I never brought it to the home specifically because of the child. I offered to look after the baby several time (I like kids) to give her a rest since she always complained of being tired and depressed. As a result of L's manipulation, Blue and my partner had an argument, which resulted in the parents getting involved. I was banned from being in the house, and my partner had to move out temporarily so L could 'recover her calm' and was only allowed to reside there if one of the parents were home. She has since left the UK, moving home because she 'couldn't cope with life' any more here, and took the baby with her. Blue is to follow her in three months time. I am allowed back in the house, as though nothing has ever happened. Blue still ignores me with venom and lashes out at his brother, sometimes trying to involve me. I turn around from these hostile situations and say nothing. I, personally, come from an open, communicative family. My mother opined that she would never have given L and Blue the free run of the house, particularly as L refused to work despite the child reaching the age of three before they left, and would never have bent over backwards to accommodate their ridiculous demands for privacy in a house that they did not own, as well as believing their side without even consulting my partner or speaking to me/apologizing (a guest!). Our home was always open to my partner, and I feel really disrespected by his parents. I don't give a damn about Blue and L, they just seem like very ignorant, unhappy people. But his parents? How could they let that go on? His mother once shooed me out of the house when L was there, as though I was a stray cat. Not once have they addressed this, and I don't feel comfortable raising the issue. My partner gets very upset if I refuse to come to his home, offering that it's a bad situation but once Blue has left it won't matter, and he's sorry but that's the way it is. I feel like his parents are scared Blue won't like America and his marriage will disintegrate, and they want to offer him a way back. Or they want to see the grandchild, and L would take pleasure in refusing to let them see him, despite what they have done for her. I feel like Blue is arrogant, and L was an angsty, self-entitled pain in the ass, and I don't understand how I caused enough offense to warrant that kind of reaction. Calling someone a danger to a child is a serious accusation. I feel that, at 22, I'm just some little fool they can move around as they please when I become too much hard work, rather than confronting Blue on his horrendous behaviour. I wonder if Blue resents my partner and I because we invaded their family home, but my partner paid rent, and L never paid for a damn thing, and it was not Blue's house, so I don't understand their problem. My partner says it may be because L was a prude and we did have sex at his house a few times. I feel like it had less to do with me and more about me getting in the way, invading her family home. And now Blue still hates me! I can't tell if it's because hurting me means hurting my partner or whether, like my partner says, Blue is jealous as my partner is his own man and Blue feels trapped by his marriage and child the former or which he has grown apart from. Originally Blue and my partner were the closest out of all of the brothers. My partner's mother tries to manipulate me by bagging my partner to my face, hoping I'll influence his next move (she wants him to try nursing)...the father is pleasant enough but distant. They both just seem to want an easy life, no one has any respect or interest in me as a person, and I feel like some tool. I don't want to go around there, and I'm beginning to resent my partner for putting himself and me in this situation. I hate, hate this situation, and I am hurt my partner's parents. I don't know how to proceed, or why this has happened. Is it worth talking to Blue or the parents? Or should I just play the doormat for a little while longer... It has put major strain on our relationship and I'm at a loss. Link to comment
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