How do I tell him about my trust/abandonment issues?

[Ophelia13]

I am in a committed relationship with the love of my life. We've only been together for a little over two months, but i guess we're both the type of people who rush into relationships quickly and it just happened to work out right this time. Either that, or we're soulmates! xD I have never truly felt this much love for anyone I'd dated in the past, nor have I ever felt so comfortable and free to be myself.

 

The only problem is that as comfortable as I am around him, I have a hard time getting myself to talk to him about serious matters. From analyzing my reactions to and behaviors in certain situations, I've realized I may have trust and abandonment issues as a result of things I went through as a child.

 

 

I think he needs to know about this, because sometimes he says or does things which aren't meant to be hurtful, but which upset me. As an example,

 

Some weeks ago, we were in bed, and after I fell asleep, for some reason he got up and went to sleep in the other room. When I woke up in the middle of the night and realized he wasn't next to me, I first assumed that he was probably using the bathroom or getting a glass of water or something. But then I waited and he didn't come back. So I looked for him and found him sleeping in the other room. I asked him why he was there but he didn't answer me, he just got up, kissed me, and walked with me back to the bedroom. I couldn't stop crying until I fell asleep again, because it heightened my anxiety and made me feel irrationally insecure, like he didn't want to be around me. I tried to be quiet, but he still noticed me crying and held me close to him, asking what was wrong. I didn't tell him, because I didn't want him to feel guilty, or think that I was trying to blackmail him.

 

I know that I can't go on like this while still keeping our relationship healthy, and I know that if something he does upsets me, I need to talk to him about it, especially if it's because of underlying psychological problems that I might have. But I have no idea what to say, or how to even bring it up. I'm afraid I might come across as excessively needy, or self-pitying, and I really don't want to risk losing him.

[pippy longstocking]

I think the example you gave is a bad one , cos honestly , who wouldn't wonder what was going on if they woke up and found their partner in another room ... so it almost seems like you are looking to have issues when really ...going by your example you haven't got any ..don't create something that isn't there . The fact is you don't know him yet ..its has been just over 8 weeks , you are still flying high in the honey moon period and it is all too much , to intense ..chill out ... get to know each other properly before dragging up all this stuff you think you have .

[reinventmyself]

If you have these issues to the degree you have you ought to be addressing them in therapy.

It's hard to have healthy relationship with someone new when you aren't able to get a handle on your fears.

 

By you sharing them with him it may seem more or less that you might expect him to accommodate to them.

But it's your responsibility to work thru them and heal so are better prepared to be in a relationship.

[Annia]

Maybe you were snoring or something so he felt the need to change rooms. It might not be nothing.

 

It's a good thing that you aknowledge that you have abandonment issues that stem from your childhood. I don't know if I'd tell him so early in the relationship as it could scare him unless he also feels the same. I'd try to calm down and wait and see.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to tell him about your past and also to make it very clear to him that you are not going to subject him to your issues- that you are going to work on them independently and if you slip and burden him unnecessarily you will make it right -and that's why you are telling him, just because of the occasional slips. No, I don't think you should be able to tell him any feeling you have, at any time, even if you have trust and abandonment issues. He needs to be there for you and be supportive and you need to be there for you and be supportive of yourself and therefore respect his need for space, his role in your life as a potentially serious partner but not a parent or a therapist.

[Ophelia13]

Pippy, I'm not "looking to have issues". I was doing a fair bit of self-analysis, trying to find out why I struggle to trust others in general, and why it is that I am so irrationally terrified of losing people who I love, particularly romantic partners. through this, I came to the conclusion that I MIGHT have an underlying fear due to specific things that happened during my childhood.

 

I DON'T want to have problems. I want to be normal, and able to talk about things before they destroy a relationship. Mind you, these problems hindered my ability to maintain healthy relationships (both platonic and romantic) in the past, and caused me to push people away by either becoming too controlling, or too dependent. I don't want to end up pushing my current partner away as well.

[Raggie]

Hello! I don't think Pippy was being accusatory, more that 8 weeks is too early for that conversation.

 

I think her point was that you need to be in a position where you're ok... him in the bed or otherwise. And, by that, I mean that you truly believe it's a non incident and nothing to worry and upset you.

Therapy is an option. Self analysis will only get so far.

 

I wish you all the best, as it's lovely when you find potential. Take care.

[Annia]

Pippy, I'm not "looking to have issues". I was doing a fair bit of self-analysis, trying to find out why I struggle to trust others in general, and why it is that I am so irrationally terrified of losing people who I love, particularly romantic partners. through this, I came to the conclusion that I MIGHT have an underlying fear due to specific things that happened during my childhood.

 

I DON'T want to have problems. I want to be normal, and able to talk about things before they destroy a relationship. Mind you, these problems hindered my ability to maintain healthy relationships (both platonic and romantic) in the past, and caused me to push people away by either becoming too controlling, or too dependent. I don't want to end up pushing my current partner away as well.

 

I have the same problemas as you. I also have abandonment issues that stem from things from my childhood. It's like a wound that never seems to heal and a need that never seems to be fulfilled, but I came a long way I think. I think that many times we look for confirmations of our fears. It's like we hope from the bottom of our hearts that the person doesn't leave but at the same time it's like we know they will and we're just waiting for it... sometimes we might even feel tempted to test them to see how much they endure without leaving us. There are many ways throughout this abandonment issues can manifest. I think that'd be good to address your issues with a therapist ) and if you tell him reassure him that you're working on your issues and that you won't bring them to the relationship. It's also important to disconnect your partner(s) actions and decisions from your self worth. If they in fact leave it has nothing to do with you and your self worth.

[Matt3939]

He might have had horrible gas or you might have. I'd seek therapy. It's a bit early to start laying stuff on him. Eventually you might bring it up. I would look at myself and ask " is this even rational? I'd also give him the right for him to feel comfortable to tell you if something isn't even a big deal whatsoever. With out you blowing up.

[catfeeder]

How do I tell him about my trust/abandonment issues?

 

You don't. You take those to a professional and never confuse a lover with a therapist--it's the perfect way to get yourself dumped. Which compounds the problem. Have you noticed?

[Ophelia13]

You don't. You take those to a professional and never confuse a lover with a therapist--it's the perfect way to get yourself dumped. Which compounds the problem. Have you noticed?

 

Lol it's not like I was trying to get him to solve my problems or help me deal with them. I just felt that he deserved to know the truth. I also knew that I needed to be honest with him about how I felt, or if something he did upset me.

[Ophelia13]

He might have had horrible gas or you might have. I'd seek therapy. It's a bit early to start laying stuff on him. Eventually you might bring it up. I would look at myself and ask " is this even rational? I'd also give him the right for him to feel comfortable to tell you if something isn't even a big deal whatsoever. With out you blowing up.

 

I brought it up with him finally last week. It turns out that he got up to go use the toilet, and when he came back, I was taking up the entire bed. He didn't want to startle me or disturb my sleep, so he decided to sleep on the couch.

 

I am well aware that I was being irrational, as that irrationality is what I believe stems from the issues I might have (for which I am scheduled to see a therapist). But in the moment, extreme worry can cloud one's reasoning. I knew it was probably something harmless, because he wasn't acting strange or unusually distant afterward, and there was no argument prior. I just wasn't sure how to bring it up and be honest about how I felt, without him thinking I was being needy, or worse, him feeling guilty by the fact that I was upset.

[Batya33]

Lol it's not like I was trying to get him to solve my problems or help me deal with them. I just felt that he deserved to know the truth. I also knew that I needed to be honest with him about how I felt, or if something he did upset me.

 

But it's not lying to choose not to share personal stuff or only to share certain personal stuff. It's being untruthful if he asks you if you have issues and you say no instead of yes or "I prefer not to discuss it at this point". Be careful about putting it to yourself as "he deserves to know the truth" as opposed to wanting to unburden your "secret" so that he will know he needs to reassure you more than is typical -is that what you want from him? Because that's in essence what you are asking him to do. Certainly there are times we have to tell our partners about certain sensitivities (I used to have a phobia of throwing up so there were certain situations where I thought he should know why I was getting panicky or why I avoided rollercoasters) but I don't think it's because we have to be "honest" -it's how much we choose to share of our personal/private matters. I believe no matter how close the couple each person is entitled to withhold what feels too private/sensitive/fragile or what would hurt the partner (i.e. not sharing all about your previous sexual experience in the name of "honesty" for example).