I think I broke all the cybersex rules...

[SPark]

Boy, do I feel dumb. I was feeling lonely and went online to an adult chatroom and invited the first person who said hi to me to private chat. Even though he was hanging out in the Japan chatroom, he was from somewhere in Europe, very polite, not great English. I am ashamed to admit that I started to feel bad for him for having to chat about my job and pets, and suggested we have some sexy chat...next thing I know (yes, I clicked the accept button, but I didn`t know what I was doing!) I was staring at his giant **** on a webcam . Since he was (obviously) ready to go and happy to have been asked, I gave it the old college try, with the predictable results...then we said goodbye and I thought...well, that was fine, not the guy for me, but maybe if I can find someone who is better at English and typing with one hand, no webcam and more imagination, this cybersex thing is not all that bad...

 

Then, back to another chatroom, this one less general and more "I need it bad, right now" type (I know, I know, what was I thinking??). Again I intelligently invited the first guy who said hi to private chat and again there was this weird 30 minutes of polite talk about my pets and favorite music (I thought the first guy was just shy...NOT). Me (now that I`ve read this forum, I know that I was acting like a major cyber-ho), thinking to speed things up a tad, suggest that perhaps we should cut to the chase a bit, and next thing I know we`re virtually doing the deed...No webcam this time, thank goodness, and the guy was nice enough to explain that his "endowment" was very average (not nearly as scary as what I found myself landed with the first time), and he was very sweet...He asked me to be his Net GF, whatever the heck that might entail, and I said sure...we said `bye. and I sent him a note to say hi and thanks...me and my ideas of netiquette! I think I actually got a virtual crush on him, or, more accurately, on my image of him, since I have no idea what he might be like in person. He replied that night and said he is coming to my country and let`s spend the weekend together and lots of "honey" and "sweetie" and "my girl"...and I started wondering what exactly I had agreed to! I made an appointment to meet him at a certain time a few days later to talk, thinking that I would be able to explain how clueless I had been.

 

Next day both guys are IMing me at all hours of the day and night, clamoring for more where that came from. I put them off as nicely as I knew how, and Mr. Crush/ Be My Net GF didn`t show up for our meeting, probably because I wouldn`t "do it" at 3 am when I had to work early the next day.

 

The thing that people should know, and I had no clue about, is that I seem to be having the same emotions as if all of this had happened for real.

 

Fortunately, I learned how to block them, but gosh-o-gosh I honestly had no idea and feel like I just stumbled into a whole `nother world.

 

Is there any way to meet someone I might actually be compatible with? I don`t need to meet them for real, but I would not mind having a virtual friend with more of that yummy cybersex.

 

If I sound conflicted, it`s because I am ...the whole experience left me feeling shocked at myself, grateful to these guys who actually were pretty mannerly considering the signals I was sending out, intrigued, hurt, a bit creeped out, and wanting more.

 

In real life, believe it or not, I am a responsible adult with a busy job and a conservative lifestyle...but online I managed to break all the rules without knowing there were any and now I feel like cybervixen.

 

Sheesh, who knew?

[nikki19]

Don't feel dumb. Sounds like you were just having some harmless fun....until you arranged to meet this guy in person. Not to over-react but..what were you thinking?? You don't even know this guy, he could be a psychopath. I hope you didn't give out any personal information to anyone in your cyber travels.

There's all kinds of places online to meet people for cyberfun. I agree it can be yummy. Try not to get emotionally involved because most people in chat rooms lie about everything from their looks to their age and occupation. Most men will have you thinking they are hot, rich and hung like a horse. Great for cyber fantasy purposes but the reality is often not pleasant. It's easy to get sucked into that world too so do be careful with your heart and try not to get emotionally involved.

[SPark]

Thanks, Nikki...your kind reply makes me feel a lot less stupid. I re-read my post and can see how it sounds like I arranged to meet him in person...no, just on IM again. We are (probably fortunately) in different countries. I never *agreed* to meet this guy for real... but he was all of a sudden assuming that the next time he was in town (or maybe he was going to make a special trip?!) we were going to spend the weekend together doing all of this for real. I just figured it must add to his fantasy to say that. I lock the door after the pizza delivery guy leaves, so no real chance of me heading out to meet some total stranger who might be a psycho killer. Thanks for mentioning it though...I should have made that clear!

 

Even the constant IMing felt a bit stalkerish...what do people do? Just block everyone unless they are in the mood? Sheesh, I spend nearly all day doing real work on the computer, and I was surprised that these folks seemed to think that just because I was online I was, um, available.

 

Any advice, even criticism, much appreciated. I learned a lesson, but I`m sure that I am still liable to blunder around cluelessly!!

[Mun]

... and I was surprised that these folks seemed to think that just because I was online I was, um, available.

 

Any advice, even criticism, much appreciated!

 

I have some advice: Either put yourself in "invisible" mode or get yourself a different username for when you are working.. this way you will not be bothered by would-be "cyber boyfriend's" and you can do your work in peace.

[nikki19]

whewww glad I read that wrong and it was just a cyber-meeting.

I'll tell you about my cyber experience. This is the first time I'm telling anyone (wow).

About 6 years ago after I had my second child we decided it would be best if I stayed home to raise our children. I'm a pretty social person, so giving up my job I was also giving up adult contact, just being home with 2 small children 24/7. Add to that my husband going to school and working so he was never home. I felt very isolated. After the kids went to bed at night I started going online to play a few games of poker before bed. The poker room had chat, and as I was going to the same room every night I got to notice the same people. I'd just read the chat, then after a few months people started to recognize me as a "regular" and began talking to me, eventually they became friends. In my isolated world, my online friends became my social life. It felt very real, and I came to think of them as any friend I'd have in the real world. My husband was aware of this and thought it was cool. All very innocent. But as life goes, hubby working his butt off, me home with the kids, all the stresses of life, we just weren't getting the time together that a married couple should. Mutual feelings beyond friendship started to develope between me and one of my poker pals. Thinking back now, I was hearing all the things from him I wasn't hearing from my husband. I was getting attention. It was exciting, and it felt real. I justified this in my mind with "it's only typing". Anyways I got in pretty deep before realizing what I was doing was wrong. I stopped all contact with him and all online people save one gf who I consider to be a great friend. I never told my husband because nothing good would come of it except hurting him. I learned my lesson and I'll never make that mistake again.

(wow, getting that out felt theraputic)

Soooo.. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about online feelings seeming real. That's why I suggest trying not to get too emotionally involved. Of course if you're single and looking there may be some good dating sites that others can suggest. I have no experience with that kind of thing.

As far as the IM's. If you're using yahoo, it has an invisible feature you can use so that you don't get bombarded with im's when you're online. You might want to set up one messenger like msn for people you want to talk to often, then another one like aol for everyone else.

 

Good luck to you

[SPark]

Muneca, thanks for the practical tip. I really appreciate finding such a well-moderated and good group to help me navigate all of this.

 

Nikki, thanks for sharing...I had no idea things would be so intense...kinda hard to stuff the genie back in the bottle once it`s out.

 

Update...I sent polite and friendly brief messages to both guys, saying bye and take care, it was a bit much for me.

 

My would-be Net BF begged me to give him another chance...seems like his internet connection is down, and he`s in a country where that is actually plausible. OK, maybe one more chance (I don`t think I`m cut out to juggle multiple online guyfriends anyway), but I think that the meeting in RL thing is not a great idea. I had a penfriend when I was in juniorhigh, she came to stay for a week and was totally different than my image. This is probably the same.

 

I`ll keep you all posted and try to stay away from the major drama.

[SPark]

Well, I now have a net BF...we had a nice, calm talk and agreed to tell each other if anyone else comes along, so that`s good...and we are both kind of isolated in foreign countries so I think it`s a nice match...and I called him honey, too.

[justsweetgirl]

It is probably not that uncommon for someone who is normally conservative and responsible to want to act out a little. You were a kid in a candy store. It's okay, you're human. Also, other people who are veterans of this kind of thing can usually spot a novice and can be eager to take advantage. Keep saying yes and the sky's the limit. You saw what could happen and you put an end to it.

[lon71]

hi,

 

reading nikki's post above...........almost identical to a situation im in at the moment. ive been chatting to guys online for about 8months, one guy in particular ive got close too and the feeling can feel real although u really dont know them. internet socialising is a very easy way of filling that gap in your life and i agree with everything nikki says.

i have dabbled in cyber sex a couple of times and phone sex once. i kept a separate email address so i never have to be bothered if i dont want to. i dont do cyber or phone sex anymore, i still use chatrooms but make it clear from the beginning that i'd just like a chat and nothing more. the guy i am close to, we have never been sexual, as if we meet i dont feel i would be safe if our friendship had been based on sexual stuff. because we are planning to meet i have to keep myself safe.

my advice to you........if you want to have online b/f's, do cyber sex or whatever, just keep yourself safe, have separate email, chat to the guy a bit first, suss him out as best u can. if u do have sexual relations with anyone online i would advise u never meet them in person, chatting online is one thing, meeting that person is totally different.

my phone sex experience was very positive, we chatted for some time before things went any further, i had time to suss him out, we chatted on the phone to see if we could hold a conversation together before any phone sex took place. i would never have met this guy in the flesh, for me it was just a bit offun when things were going wrong at home.

the main thing for anyone chatting online is to be safe, dont always believe what people tell u, take it with a pinch of salt and dont run away with your feelings, things can feel very real online, but in reality its a new dimension actually talking to that person in real life.

[SPark]

Lon, it`s excellent advice. I really appreciate hearing your perspective on this brave new world.

[SPark]

Update for those who are wondering and/ or who might be contemplating a cyber-fling.

 

It ain`t no fling, folks.

 

This stuff is 100% emotionally real and raw, in addition to being physically very powerful. If you don`t find the right match, I doubt you`ll get much out of it, but if you do, it`s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

 

Be careful out there, folks, and don`t get burned.

 

In my own case, no need to fan the flames. I am blessed indeed, and if he disappeared tomorrow, I would be grateful to have met him. My life has changed, and I realized that I still have the capacity for joy and peace inside myself. I just needed a gentle nudge to help me find it.

 

Don`t be scared to leave the shore, but watch out for the reefs...and the tsunami.

 

As usual, advice is welcome, but too late to tell me not to get emotionally involved...LOL.

[SPark]

LOL...the plot thickens...now we are taking a break from that sweet cyber to see if we can build a deeper friendship. So you see, life has a major sense of humor!! I won`t be visiting any more adult chatrooms, but I definitely got my groove back!