We are "on a break" but am I just waiting around for nothing?

[chloem]

Ok, so first of all I apologise because this is going to be quite long.

 

I was was with my ex boyfriend for about 2 years up until around June 2016, I met another guy in work in July 2015, I never expected to like anyone else but we got talking and the more we got to know each other the more I began liking him, he asked me on a date but I said it was complicated as I was still seeing someone (my ex was a horrible emotionally abusive person who I should have never been with for so long in the first please - which I know doesn't excuse me from speaking to someone else) but we continued talking anyway. My ex used to go out every weekend so never really seen him, I ended up sleeping with the new guy. It wasn't just a fling we really liked each other and seen each other a few times while I was still in a relationship and I really did want to be with him but felt I couldn't end things with my ex because he made me feel that he needed me and I couldn't leave or he would have no one.

 

The new guy was still speaking to other people and slept with a few when I was still with my ex but of course I could not be angry as the whole reason we weren't together was because of me so what else did i expect? I finally split with my ex in June last year and still seen the new guy occasionally but we didn't make anything official. Around september we started seeing each other regularly (around twice a week) I would go and stay with him and we would go out and do things. Throughout our whole time speaking he said he loved me and would love to be with me and he has never been anything but nice to me and thats what I love most is that he is just a genuinely nice person and I put him through a lot of and really hurt him which I will always regret..

 

Anyway, we have been seeing each other since about September last year and up until around December my ex was threatening him (because he knew thats who I had cheated with) but that soon stopped as I think he realised how silly he looked. Around November on a date I had asked him why we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend yet and he just said it was because of all the trouble with my ex, we should wait until it all settles down which I accepted as I knew it would cause trouble if people knew we were officially together. As the months went on, I just assumed he would ask me to be his girlfriend and many opportunities arose (Valentines day, my birthday etc) but nothing.. I have asked a few times and he just replied "Im happy with the way things are just now but I will ask you when I feel its right", this started to get a bit annoying as 6 months of seeing someone and being as close and happy as we were is a long time. We built up trust, I always told him when guys would message me and he would do the same, as i felt it was only right considering I cheated on someone to be with him. We get along amazingly and always have a fun time but he stopped being as intimate and didn't really try to have sex with me, kiss me etc, and then started saying I was too clingy when we were together always wanting cuddles, I think thats because I could see he was being a bit distant it made me want more. Then around mid feb he said to me the reason he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend was because his feelings had changed and he wasn't sure if that was what he wanted in the long run so he had to have a think about it, I said fine I can give you the time to think, we still saw each other like normal and spoke like normal but the sex wasn't really the same or as frequent.

 

Then last weekend, he left his phone unlocked and for the first tie I just looked at it and seen a text to one of his girl friends, I looked and basically seen a few messages about me saying "I'm just not sure I feel the same, I've lost my sex drive, I'm not sure I'm still attracted to her in that way" when i confronted him I was upset because he was speaking to someone else about our relationship instead of me, I had wanted to speak about it lots of times and he kind of just brushed it off and never said much about it. He then said he thinks we should take a break as it has went on for a while and he needs to make a decision as it wasn't fair on me to keep seeing me and leading me on if he doesn't want a relationship out the back of it. We had a good chat and spoke about a lot and how we are so good together etc. He said we shouldn't see each other for a few weeks but we could still talk, but I said if we are going to have a proper break we should talk as you can't miss someone if you are still speaking like normal. We agreed we would not speak to or see anyone else during this break as it was just really an opportunity for him to think about what he wants. I left and went home and he text saying "I wish you hadn't left", I didn't go back. As we agreed not to speak I tried my hardest.

 

The next day I did phone him upset because I just didn't know what had happened, this is the person I thought i would marry and now were "on a break" because he doesn't know if he wants to be together. We have spoke maybe once each day, just about good things, he told me he got a job interview, his friend passed years ago so i said thinking of you etc but I have told myself Im not going to speak to him at all until he has decided.

 

What I want is just a bit of advice, how can someone be so besotted by me when I was with someone else, has always said he would have been with me in a heartbeat, but now that I am his he is having doubts?? Can a person go from not being sexually attracted to someone back to wanting them again?? Am I being silly waiting around for something that isn't going to happy?? Thing is, I seen a quote that said "Its all about the first person you want to tell good news to" and thats kind of what he has been doing.. He says he has changed his mind a few times during the week that we have been on this break so far but I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I am absolutely heartbroken as I genuinely thought that was me set for life with this guy, and he used to think the same. So what has changed? I'm not going to force someone to be with me but how can we go back to normal after this?

 

Someone please help

[Atlantis]

You want to be in a relationship with him. You have no need to take a break as you would try to work on the problems with him. It is him who isnt sure and might or might not come back to you.

 

Don't let emotions take over your decision making. Since you are on a break, I think you should focus on your life as an individual, write the pros and cons of this relationship and focus on the cons. Because he was focused on the bad sides of being in this relationship so long that he wanted a break.

 

You all can come back together but it has to be him to initiate that. You taking to him everyday does not help. You were talking to him everyday before this break, right? So obviously being in contact doesn't keep him from wanting a break from you. So now you talking to him only prolongs your recovery time. You are just focused on getting him back and not doing anything else. So I would suggest to cut all ties, have a clean break and don't ever contact him unless he contacts you first. Trust me nothing you will say will make him misss you or want to come back to you. It will have to be his decision to want to come back to you

[Dahl]

 

Anyway, we have been seeing each other since about September last year and up until around December my ex was threatening him (because he knew thats who I had cheated with) but that soon stopped as I think he realised how silly he looked.

 

Please clarify - this new fellow - is the one with whom you cheated on your now ex boyfriend?

[KantSleep]

"...but he stopped being as intimate and didn't really try to have sex with me, kiss me etc, and then started saying I was too clingy when we were together always wanting cuddles, I think thats because I could see he was being a bit distant it made me want more. Then around mid Feb he said to me the reason he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend was because his feelings had changed and he wasn't sure if that was what he wanted in the long run so he had to have a think about it, I said fine I can give you the time to think, we still saw each other like normal and spoke like normal but the sex wasn't really the same or as frequent."

Well, things aren't looking very optimistic here. I don't know if it because he is concerned you will cheat on him, or if he just genuinely fell out of love, and doesn't know why himself. At the end of the day, we all have to be true to ourselves. For whatever reason (for which you may never know exactly why), he doesn't seem to feel the same way about you anymore. He is chatting it up with another girl, which muddies the waters as well. Maybe he is attracted to his text buddy. It seems one has to make a concerted effort these days to stay focused on one person. The grass is always greener... Anyway, I hope this works out favorably for you, but honestly, it sounds like he is on his way out. I would start to work on yourself, do things that make you happy and don't let this man control your emotional well-being. I wouldn't "wait around", nor would I jump into the dating pool. If I were you, I would start a blog, pick up a new hobby, stay busy, etc. and begin to shift your focus to a possible life without him. Finally, I think you are correct in not contacting him until he decides. Let him miss you. If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

[Longview01]

I guess the grass isn't always greener

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he's not ready willing or able to have an exclusive relationship with you, because it never was one. Your ex being in the picture was also a huge red flag so how could he take you seriously?

 

It seems he doesn't see you as gf material, no less marriage material.

 

It may be best to stay no contact and block him. There is too much contamination, distrust, cheating and toxic history. End it and start with a clean slate with someone new.

I have asked a few times and he just replied "Im happy with the way things are just now but I will ask you when I feel its right", I cheated on someone to be with him. The next day I did phone him upset because I just didn't know what had happened, this is the person I thought i would marry and now were "on a break" because he doesn't know if he wants to be together.

[MissCanuck]

Agree with the others, this doesn't sound good. I think he probably was attracted in the past, but now that he can have you whenever he wants, he's no longer interested. This is unfortunately typical of the Other Man/Other Woman. It is exciting when it's forbidden and when you're not expected to make a commitment but the moment your affair partner is available for a relationship, it loses its appeal. Also, regardless of how bad your ex might have been, you still showed this current guy that you are capable of serious deception. I know you don't feel good about cheating, but you can't really undo the fact that he saw a side to you that isn't what most men would want in a girlfriend. In other words, you were a fun bed partner and he liked fantasizing with you, but didn't want to make it more serious than that.

 

I'm curious why you thought you would marry him? He was hesitating to decide if he even wanted a relationship with you.