Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Basically, my boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We are like two best friends who are dating which was the best thing in my opinion. We weren't overtly romantic but we loved eachother. For the past month, things kicked off where he drunkenly said that he felt as if we needed to break up because he was getting too comfortable. This thought has stuck in my mind and it's been really affecting me. Over the past three days I've brought it up almost everyday because I've been upset. He said he didn't want to do because we were so happy but he was still confused as to what he wanted. Today we met up for breakfast and everything was fine. We were playing around and having fun and then I broke down. I was scared of losing him and he said again that he was definitely really wanting to stay with me but felt that breaking up was the best option. He said our identities were fusing together and he wanted to be more independent. We do spend a lot of time together so I suggested having days off. He then said that he really enjoyed spending time with me but felt that for his future he needed to move on. I think he definitely saw us lasting a while because we are that compatible, I just don't think he wanted to come to terms with it. My question is, from all of this, I'm quite lost. I've lost my boyfriend and more Importantly my best friend. He meant the world to me but why would he say this stuff if he was happy with me. Everyone agrees that he's become a better person with me. This breakup feels rash and very raw, it was a decision made on the spot and it's hit me hard. I want to fix things but I'm not too sure how. Any guidance on getting him back because there was nothing wrong with the two of us at all. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 I'm sorry, for your pain. Honestly, what he said is one of the common excuse to end a relationship. he didn't want to come off as a jerk, and so he said that. The problem is, is that it leaves you hanging. It sounds like his feelings have changed, and he wants to date others. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 I'm sorry, for your pain. Honestly, what he said is one of the common excuse to end a relationship. he didn't want to come off as a jerk, and so he said that. The problem is, is that it leaves you hanging. It sounds like his feelings have changed, and he wants to date others. I don't think he does what to date others. I know him inside out and I truly believe he doesn't want that at all. He is someone who is very fixated on his future and he just couldn't see where I would fit. He told me I was the one for him 2 nights ago. We expressed how we were feeling and how much we loved eachother last night. I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like it's a huge mistake and I want to try and revert this. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 I agree with Holly. It sounds as though he has been mulling this over for a while and is trying to be nice about things but wants to end things. His feelings have obviously changed and he needed a reason (excuse) to tell you that he doesn't want to do this anymore. I'm sorry OP. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 So there's no hope? Even though we were fine this morning and last night? Link to comment
SherrySher Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Well it's not like it's hopeless but you do have to ask yourself why your boyfriend is talking about splitting up. He has obviously thought about it that much that he feels this is a good option...that can't be good, right? I mean, people have problems and most couple try to work them out together but things aren't good when one of the partners in a relationship starts thinking its better to break up. . Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Well it's not like it's hopeless but you do have to ask yourself why your boyfriend is talking about splitting up. He has obviously thought about it that much that he feels this is a good option...that can't be good, right? I mean, people have problems and most couple try to work them out together but things aren't good when one of the partners in a relationship starts thinking its better to break up. . That's a good point. I just feel like it was really rash, splitting up has been on his mind but it's been a big debate for him for the whole month. We have the same group of friends and it's so tough. I have no other friends but ours. I just want things to fix up. We go to university together and we are exchanging items on Tuesday in our class. I'd love some advice on trying to get him back. I wouldn't be fighting this hard if I didn't think he was worth it. We are that compatible and he admitted that today whilst breaking up. Link to comment
imnothere Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 It may have appeared that you were fine last night, but you were not. He was thinking about wanting to break up last night and a long time before, at least for a month because he said it himself. There are two possibilities here. One is that he is genuinely confused himself about what he wants. Two is that he is being a 'nice guy' and just not telling you the real reasons. If he is confused, then you need to give him time and space to work things out. You cannot make the decision to commit the relationship for him. He needs to decide he wants to be in for himself. If he is hiding the reasons why, then he is not really being 'nice'. Maybe he can't let go and wants to keep you around just in case. Maybe he is playing games. Maybe he lacks the courage to be upfront. In any case, he is keeping you hanging on and not giving you any closure or understanding - not nice. IN ANY CASE, if he cannot commit to the relationship, which he can't, the important thing to realise is that he is not a safe person to give your love to. Even if you manage to convince him to come back, he will be swaying back and forth, and you will never be able to establish a close and secure relationship. It will full of tension and heartache and you will never know when the axe will drop, and it will all be out of your control. That is a recipe for great suffering and potentially an addictive cycle of breakups and reunions - not fun. So, you need to realise that he is not going to be good for you AS HE IS NOW. You need to focus on yourself, on taking care of yourself, loving yourself, and gaining independence from him, emotionally. As everybody here will say, a good period of time with no contact is probably the only way to do this. If I was you, I would say to him, okay, I hear your decision, now I need time to heal. I will may contact you again in the future, but I'm not sure when that will be. Then go no contact. If after 3 months (minimum), you still feel the same way about him, you could contact him. But only if you somewhat removed from him will you be able to have the power to demand what you really deserve - a loving, COMMITTED partner. If you need to feel there is hope, this is the only hope there is - if he decides himself that is truly loves and is committed to you, and if you are strong in yourself and do not accept anything less. Work out what you need and want in a relationship, and get to a point where you will be able to clearly assess if he can give it you. Best of luck. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 3 months is quite impossible. We have the same group of friends and don't really have other friends. I know that sounds like an excuse but we both created this group in a sense. I have other friends from uni but yeah. I just want us back together. That's it Link to comment
imnothere Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Well sounds like you are clear. All I would say then is, do it and observe the results. You want what you want. I've been there. Link to comment
imnothere Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 But actually, if you want him back, my advice still stands. Being needy and desperately wanting someone back doesn't usually work. Becoming independent and strong is the best possible chance you have of attracting him back, or attracting partners in general. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Well sounds like you are clear. All I would say then is, do it and observe the results. You want what you want. I've been there. Yeah I know.. I've been back with an ex and it was toxic. This breakup feels different though. We've just met up briefly tonight to give eachother our belongings. He wasn't fine and I was quite collected. We are seeing eachother on Saturday because of a birthday, any tips Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Sorry to hear this. "Everyone agrees that he's become a better person with me"...except him. He felt he was getting complacent and smothered and stifled. You can't fix, change or improve people. He wants his freedom and that is someone you can't fix. Making someone the center of your world and trying to fix, change, mold and improve him is exactly why he left. Stay no contact. Try to work on your own life and interests and activities. Make new friends, join clubs, groups and volunteer. Spend more time with friends and family. Keep busy. Go to therapy to help sort out being more independent. Start a self-improvement plan. Work out, get in shape, get new clothes and a new hairstyle. Work on yourself, not fixing him or getting him back. He said our identities were fusing together and he wanted to be more independent. He then said that he really enjoyed spending time with me but felt that for his future he needed to move on. Link to comment
seanryder Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 We are like two best friends who are dating which was the best thing in my opinion. I think this is where the problem lies.....I would guess the sexual polarity and desire which is present in most early dating situations is not there. I think that the level of comfort you guys feel with one another is one that happens after many years together. I'm not sure if that 'spark' was ever there from your email....sounds more like comfort level. Just my opinion..... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 3 months is quite impossible. We have the same group of friends and don't really have other friends. I know that sounds like an excuse but we both created this group in a sense. I have other friends from uni but yeah. I just want us back together. That's it Why is it impossible. You will not die if you don't speak to him. You came here for advice, but seem to know it all. Go about your way, and see how you will come back here, even more hurt, as he has strung you along. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Yeah I know.. I've been back with an ex and it was toxic. This breakup feels different though. We've just met up briefly tonight to give eachother our belongings. He wasn't fine and I was quite collected. We are seeing eachother on Saturday because of a birthday, any tips Yes. Don't go. All you are doing is rewarding him for breaking up with you. Really foolish! As Wiseman suggested, become more independent and not so needy. Not attractive. You are giving this guy the benefits of a relationship, without one. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Yes. Don't go. All you are doing is rewarding him for breaking up with you. Really foolish! As Wiseman suggested, become more independent and not so needy. Not attractive. You are giving this guy the benefits of a relationship, without one. That is really true. He's asked for a week to himself and I'm not stopping him from what he wants. I'm just going to stand right back and do what I need to do. I know I sounds really desperate and annoying but it only did just happen less than 24 hours ago. I really appreciate the advice. The best thing is to do me, if he loves me, he will find his way back to me, if that doesn't happen - so be it. It's definitely extremely hard but what you guys have all said is the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear which is why I got defensive. But after him seeing me and exchanging items, it's best we have space. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 I know it's hard, but you will survive this. We all have. The best thing you can do is go NC. By hanging around and being available is hurtful for you, and easier for him to move on to another. He will not miss you, as you are fulfilling his emotional needs. You need to go NC - and that means no birthday wishes! if he calls, tell him that you want strict NC, unless he wants to reconcile. Don't punish yourself by being available to someone, who does not want you. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 I know it's hard, but you will survive this. We all have. The best thing you can do is go NC. By hanging around and being available is hurtful for you, and easier for him to move on to another. He will not miss you, as you are fulfilling his emotional needs. You need to go NC - and that means no birthday wishes! if he calls, tell him that you want strict NC, unless he wants to reconcile. Don't punish yourself by being available to someone, who does not want you. What do I do if we have class with each other and have a lot of friends birthday parties coming up. I can't miss these birthdays, they'd all be so upset with me for letting a personal matter get in between having fun. I will be seeing him this Saturday. There's no avoiding that. I'm not going to play games and make him jealous, I think that's childish. So in that aspect I'm quite lost Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Just to reiterate, there is no way I can miss this birthday. It is one of my best friends birthdays who is also my exs really good friend too. Our friend would be devastated and would not forgive us. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Just to reiterate, there is no way I can miss this birthday. It is one of my best friends birthdays who is also my exs really good friend too. Our friend would be devastated and would not forgive us. I thought it was his birthday. I doubt your friend would be "devastated." I mean, sometimes people get sick. You could always take your friend out for a dinner. I just missed one of my best friend's birthday, due to illness, and she was not "devastated." Also, if she is such a good friend, she would understand. You're simply making excuses. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 I thought it was his birthday. I doubt your friend would be "devastated." I mean, sometimes people get sick. You could always take your friend out for a dinner. I just missed one of my best friend's birthday, due to illness, and she was not "devastated." Also, if she is such a good friend, she would understand. You're simply making excuses. I wish I was making excuses. And it's a he... I wouldn't go if I had the choice. Even if I was sick I would still have to make an appearance. That's just how it is with him. I know I sound stubborn but that's just how my friend is. Link to comment
Confusedjj Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 I do really appreciate you taking the time and doing this though, thanks. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 That doesn't sound like much of a friend if he expects you to show when you are sick. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 So? Go to the party, dress well, interact with everyone, have fun and treat him like anyone else there. Avoid drinking too much or looking desperate or cornering him to talk. Who is "us"? Can you bring a date?Our friend would be devastated and would not forgive us. Link to comment
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