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How do you stop looking for love?


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Love finds you when you stop looking. So they say. Yes, many of us have heard that platitude so many times that it's nauseating. I feel it's the equivalent of starving and somebody in front of you eating a plate full of food telling you that dinner only comes when you stop being hungry (or at least stop looking for food). That platitude does more harm than good sometimes.


But at the same time... sometimes I'm just sick of looking. It becomes all consuming, this quest for connection. But I don't know how to just shut it off. Stop Looking? How do you "stop looking" for food when you are starving? When you are starving for food, it becomes hard to think of anything else. When you are starving for that human connection, it becomes hard to just shut it off and stop caring if you find someone. Especailly when everyone around you seems to have found it naturally and easily with minimal effort. (And why is that anyway? Are they just a better person than me? Are they just more deserving of love and companionship than me? Does the Universe just bless them while deciding to curse me for some reason??????? And if so...what did I do to deserve this lifetime curse while everyone around me gets blessed with love???)


And actually... my last relationship happened when I wasn't looking. Because I was traveling around the country, and forming a relationship while traveling seemed so impossible that I didn't even care, and I was so focused on my own self that I didn't even need anyone.



But how do you stop looking? I can throw myself into my life but there is always that longing to meet someone. Sometimes, the deeper I throw myself into my life, the more I wish I had someone to share all of that with. There is always that hope that around that next corner, that next place I go, that next person I meet, might be the person I spend the rest of my life with. Or even just a few months with. But you know... it just never happens. And the search becomes a huge drain on my emotional energy. I'm tired of looking for someone who may not even exist. And maybe I'm not even supposed to find them... maybe they are supposed to find me.


So ... how do you stop looking for love? How do I quell that inner desire to finally find somebody with whom to forge a longterm natural meaningful connection? How do I end that daily anticipation and hope that around the next corner my match will finally reveal themselves? How do I just go through life and enjoy it all, while seeing everyone around me partnered up, and not wonder/wish for a match of my own?


It's easy for partnered people to say "love finds you when you stop looking". Just as it's easy for people eating to tell you "you'll get dinner when you stop being hungry and looking for food." But sometimes the search for somebody just becomes too much of an emotional and time drain, and I just want to shake it off completely and focus on the rest of my life.


So how do you stop looking for love?

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I think the idea that love finds you when you stop looking is more about avoiding desperation, trying to force it when there's a component of surrender involved. Most people would rather be with someone else, but learning to be a happy and well-balanced single person can help in the love finding process. You don't stop looking for love, but you learn to live without it until it comes.

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The best thing you can do is learn, understand and come to terms with yourself. You are the problem and only you can ultimately resolve the problem. It sounds corny and I hate corny frufru crap, though your best long term solution is to ultimately develop inner peace which comes from acceptance of self, which comes from understanding of self. If you don't work to understand you, you will continue to revolve in a cycle you already know as unhealthy and unproductive. You have already conquered the hardest part for most, which is knowing and admitting there is a problem.


My genuine advice is to take an extended vacation to somewhere like Prachinburi, Thailand and spend 10+ days learning Vipassana Meditation from the masters. Vipassana means to see things as they really are, which is exactly what you need at this point in your life.

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I don't agree with your comparison between not looking for love and not eating! Sorry, but it's ridiculous, let me explain why;


First, You could still live if you don't have a significant other to love. You can not live without food! If you really think you can not live without finding love, then I really think you should consider therapy.


This goes to my next comment; the reason people say, to let love find you is because if you are constantly obsessing over finding love, you become very vulnerable and desperate. You may not realize it, but the prospect you find will see it. When you show desperation or vulnerability, you could potentially meet someone whom will take advantage of the fact. It could also get dangerous, so therefore, you are doing more damage than good. Oh wait, there is little bit of similarity between your food and love comparison.


"Let Love Find You" is just a figure of speech, it's just a simple way to let you know that if you work on yourself, love yourself, be more confident... etc.. quote: "you will meet the right person." The reason for that is; you love yourself, and is confident enough that you will not settle for less. If you don't find the right match, you will be perfectly okay being single because you guess it, you are a confident person whom doesn't need another person just to make you feel better. It's a bonus, but you could do with out.

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You can't. It's like holding your breath or starving. Eventually these natural drives to survive will kick in and for (healthy) humans love is instinctual. Ok you can stop actively looking like on dating sites, etc. but allow life and love to flow without over controlling it.

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