My last text message to him

[linztime]

We were together for 3.5 years and parted ways 7 months ago. I got sober, he didn't. He travels 6 months out of the year and plans to move to the other coast. He is leaving our city in a month permanently. Throughout the breakup, there has been some contact but he has been very quiet about our relationship, what it meant to him, no apologies, no explanations, no closure whatsoever (I know it can be elusive and unhelpful, but I've laid everything out for him, made myself vulnerable and humbled myself). Longest period of no contact (2 months) ended yesterday when I picked up the last of my things. He said he missed me and hugged me a really long time. We were friendly, chatting, etc. I hated it because he has not seemed to care much about the pain and suffering he caused me. Often he made me feel like everything was my fault.

 

At one point a few months ago, he said he didn't want to talk to me. A few months before that I said I didn't want to talk to him, we've been in limbo. So I wanted to draw a distinct line and show him that I'm worth more than what he valued me as.

 

Last night, I met with him to tell him I didn't want him to call me or hang out before he left, like he said he wanted to. I didn't want any contact from him unless he wanted to reconcile or try to talk more in-depth about our relationship. It was a strained conversation to say the least. He said he had nothing to say. He sort of whined, "Do you want me to write you a letter or something?" (because yes, I wrote him a long letter after the breakup apologizing for my addiction and abusing his love). He smirked and gave me an insincere, cliche "You're a great person." I stood up and said I don't want anything from you and left. I was very mad. Later, I drafted this message and sent it - I do not regret it. I know he won't reply.

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Because we've never been good at communicating here's my last stand: You broke my heart more with your silence and seeming indifference than when you told me you didn't love me anymore (I already knew that tidbit because I'm not a dummy and your actions were already screaming the truth).

 

There was no consolation. No real apology or recognition of your role in this demise. Then again, you regularly implied it was all me that had the issues and needed to change so maybe you really believe you've nothing to say for yourself. I didn't want to hear anything specific from you. Just something from your heart, something genuine and truthful. If you were afraid of hurting me more, you underestimate me.

 

It seemed so easy for you to dust your hands off in silence after 3.5 years, so yeah, that makes me feel sh*tty and that our relationship was, for the majority, maybe empty for you. After that amount of time together, I don't think it's as simple as "I didn't want to be with you." F*ck , maybe it is and I was deluded or drunk enough to think we were tighter than that. I hope you learned something from this, I wouldn't know because you've nothing to say.

 

I sincerely wish all the best for you, absolutely, and I'm moving on in the best ways, but damn, ___. Just damn. I wish I could be as cold and distant and silent. I keep allowing you to upset me (my feelings are valid and legitimate by the way and they do not make me crazy) and I still have that past need to let you know how I feel, but that's not a privilege I will allow you anymore. It doesn't do any good except maybe pushing you further away. Just to confirm, I'll never get what I want from you (it's too late anyway) and I'm still the one who "talks too much" apparently.

 

I'm not sending this to bring you down or make you feel bad because (a) that doesn't seem possible and (b) I don't believe in an eye for an eye bull, but to show you what it's like to be open, honest and in tune with feelings from the heart. It's quite freeing. And so you know how much of my life I gave to you. You meant a lot to me and I'm not sad or afraid to say it. Bye. Have a great life! P.s.-this is not verbal abuse. Look it up. Actually, what you did to me for most of our relationship was close to emotional abuse, so I'm learning more about that and it's been eye opening. I'm stronger for it. Thank you.

[nutbrownhare]

Well done, and huge congratulations on getting sober. All people in recovery are miracles. As a "double-winner" do you attend 12-Step meetings? If not, I would highly recommend Alanon as a source of support.

[linztime]

I try to go to AA once/week. It has been somewhat helpful. Meditation and yoga have been huge in my recovery and often find solace in reading other's stories. My addiction was not full blown, but it was a problem and was going to be really bad in 5 years if I kept going down that path. Luckily, the break up jump started a lot of changes I had been wanting to make. It is a miracle that I am sober and can live my life without binge drinking when I feel any feeling at all. I am really proud of myself and have gained so much confidence. Thank you for your kind words.

[Guest]

Some if not most break-ups (including mine and my exgirlfriend's) take place when many of our problems overtake our life and we let ourselves go. As you say, "the break up jump started a lot of changes I had been wanting to make", I can relate to that so much. Reading others' stories also helps me.

 

Well done on being sober and going to AA. Congratulations.

[Wiseman2]

Good idea to get out of the friendzone and go no contact. What's done is done and as long as you don't expect a reply, then you can hopefully close this chapter and move forward.

I met with him to tell him I didn't want him to call me or hang out before he left, like he said he wanted to. He said he had nothing to say.