Help please

[thampf]

My boyfriend and I have been together ( living together ) for 4 years . We share a life together our money is together , we travel around the world together and we go to the same college .

 

I admit during this 4 years I have been so much controlling and not letting him make his own decision and I made all his friends go away or at least tried . I checked on his phone and had all his passwords and read all his conversations , never accepted him to have friends who are girls . Jealous even of friends who are boys .

 

The first 2 years were perfect but the 3 year was hard because he was feeling he needed space and I couldn't give him . So we planned for 6 months and moved to a new country to start over together .

We had to stay 3 months in a long distance relationship and he cheated on me with a prostitute one time , he was drunk , high and on his friend bachelor"party" . He felt sorry for it and regretted it and came clean to me . I decided to forgive because I know when he is truly sorry . Before that he hasn't even talked to other girls .

 

 

We moved to another country together to start over and for me to be less controlling and less jealous of his friends and let him have an actual life , happen that his best friend in this new country was a piece of ,a person who is in a relationship and cheats all the time with different girls and don't feel sorry about it , drink and smoke all the time and is a free soul . We been to this city for 6 months .

 

I ed it up again , I checked his phone on his back found a conversation with this special friend who was a bit suspicious and I got crazy , told his friend girlfriend all what he does and that he cheats and all and showed proof of it to her .. etc . It was a huge huge huge problem and a big fight .

 

He couldn't stand me because he said I did it again. I discovered that nothing happened and the conversation was about a complete different thing ..

 

In this problem we broke up for a very short time I don't even consider it as a breakup ... I moved out of the house .. but we were still friends and seeing each other and kissing when we meet and all . This break up was only for 1 week .

 

We decided to get back together and move together again in a new house to start over again . But since we were leaving in different houses we had to wait until the end of the month to move to a new place .

 

 

In the last weekend that we were in this situation , 3 days before we move together he went out with this friends to a nightclub got incredibly drunk and I know he danced with a girl , I know for sure he did not have sex with her but I also know he might have kissed her . She said no and he said no but I still have my doubts about kissing . Specially because his friends hate me and as I mentioned he is a BS of a person , plus I asked him not to tell his friends we were back together because I know they would say tons of things to convince him of the opposite .

 

I had his whatsapp on my computer and that's how I discovered it . when I comforted him we had a big fight and almost broke up he said he didn't cheat but I went on his privacy again .

 

We fixed things Between us .we moved together and those friends who were the reason for the fight are done for him . He doesn't talk to them anymore he chose me once again .

 

Now he changed his phone password and won't tell me . We still share a life , bank account and we are getting things right on the right space I am trying to trust him and he is trying to trust me .

 

 

The point is : he won't go out with my friends neither he wants to make friends right now because he said he is really hurt about losing those friends because right or wrong they were his friends and he really liked them .i know him and I know that losing those ty friends were really hurtful for him , I know he is hurt .

 

Point 2 : he has tinder on his phone , he gave me 5 min to search on his phone and seems he didn't use the app there was no matches or conversations in there and when I confronted him he said he doesn't want to cheat he wants to make friends only . But to me tinder isn't a place to make friends . I don't think he is using the app but he refuses to delete the app . He claims that I can't control him to do what I want anymore and he wants to have tinder to mAkes friends and when he thinks he has to delete it he will . This bothers me so much and I don't know how to deal with it . Should I accept it ?!

 

 

Point 3: I don't like nightclub because i don't drink and I don't enjoy dancing ... and when I go I don't dance much just a little with him ... but I don't accept him dancing with other people and I feel jealous of him all time even when he goes to the bathroom I follow him and wait outside the bathroom or when he goes out to smoke I follow him and all , for this reason he said he isn't gonna go nightclub with me anymore , that he will go alone with his friends .. not for girls but for getting drunk and dancing with his friends .. he hasn't gone to any nightclub yet but I asked him many times to let me try to make it different and go with me he said no many times .. yesterday he said he will think but I'm sure his answer is gonna be no .

 

Should I be ok with it ? Or it's wrong of him ?

 

 

 

Our love is something people sometimes say : it's unbelievable how much u love each other , we want a future together and we kind of have a future planned together but I don't know how to get trought this things above , I don't know if I'm being controlling again , overly jealous or if what he is asking is too much .

 

 

We are getting trough this all and my brother in law is coming to visit us in the end of the month and we will travel with him , but I don't know how to act on those questions above .

 

Please please give me your sincere options !

[1a1a]

Ohhhhhh, you need to work on your insecurity in a huge way. Checking your partner's phone, telling them where they can/cannot go, who they can be friends with, they are all massive red flags.

 

Either you trust him, or you don't. If you don't, and you can't change that, there's nothing wrong with that, but this relationship is dead in the water and you should cut your losses and split, the amount of control that you are trying to exert over your partner is not ok. (And I would be leaning towards seeking out some one on one therapy for yourself to untangle your trust issues, and if he is obliging, get some couples therapy too).

 

I hope you find a way to move forward that brings you and your partner happiness (and if it Does turn out he doesn't want to be with you, that the relationship ends, and you are freeeeee).

[Iggy5129]

First of all you should not combine finances or share a bank account with someone you are not married to. I'm guessing that was your suggestion so you could have another way to keep tabs on him.

 

Secondly, you are insanely controlling. The tighter you try to hold on to him the more you push him away. The irony is you are making certain that the thing you don't want to happen (him leaving you) will happen because of your behaviors.

 

Moving and "making a fresh start" every time you have a big fight does not fix the underlying problem. It's just a change of scenery, it does nothing to address the underlying issues, which are you being extremely insecure, controlling and he cheats on you. Have you in any real way addressed these issues or do you just pack up and move every time thinking it will magically solve everything?

 

In my opinion this relationship is way too damaged to ever be healthy. Please give this poor man his life back and get yourself together. You're toxic together. What you do to him is emotionally abusive. It's not right and neither is continuing this unhealthy relationship.

[thampf]

First of all you should not combine finances or share a bank account with someone you are not married to. I'm guessing that was your suggestion so you could have another way to keep tabs on him.

 

Secondly, you are insanely controlling. The tighter you try to hold on to him the more you push him away. The irony is you are making certain that the thing you don't want to happen (him leaving you) will happen because of your behaviors.

 

Moving and "making a fresh start" every time you have a big fight does not fix the underlying problem. It's just a change of scenery, it does nothing to address the underlying issues, which are you being extremely insecure, controlling and he cheats on you. Have you in any real way addressed these issues or do you just pack up and move every time thinking it will magically solve everything?

 

In my opinion this relationship is way too damaged to ever be healthy. Please give this poor man his life back and get yourself together. You're toxic together. What you do to him is emotionally abusive. It's not right and neither is continuing this unhealthy relationship.

 

We decided to have A bank account together cause we are not just boyfriend and girlfriend we want a future together and we even have dates for it to happen , once we graduate . He doesn't cheat , he cheated as in once . thanks for ur opinion but in the end u even answered any of the questions that I asked .

 

Goodnight

[thampf]

Ohhhhhh, you need to work on your insecurity in a huge way. Checking your partner's phone, telling them where they can/cannot go, who they can be friends with, they are all massive red flags.

 

Either you trust him, or you don't. If you don't, and you can't change that, there's nothing wrong with that, but this relationship is dead in the water and you should cut your losses and split, the amount of control that you are trying to exert over your partner is not ok. (And I would be leaning towards seeking out some one on one therapy for yourself to untangle your trust issues, and if he is obliging, get some couples therapy too).

 

I hope you find a way to move forward that brings you and your partner happiness (and if it Does turn out he doesn't want to be with you, that the relationship ends, and you are freeeeee).

 

We found a way and we are moving forward and I'm doing my best to trust him , to don't check his phone and give him his space and all ... the only thing that really bothers me is the tinder app cause I have seen his phone ( with his permission ) and he never even liked someone or got a match or anything it's basically to get back at me to show that I'm not gonna be controlling it for the rest of my life . I guess that's his way of trying to save us by taking control out of my hands , but the way he is doing it is wrong to me ...

 

You are right I'm insecure and that's what caused most of the troubles between us ... but do u think that tinder is alright ?

[Iggy5129]

Seems you are beyond help.

 

But to answer your question: no it's not ok for someone in a committed relationship that is supposedly leading to marriage to have tinder. It's a notorious hookup app and no one goes on there to "find friends".

 

Have you actually dealt with the issues you have or do you just declare "we're moving on" move to a new place and assume that it's dealt with? If all you wanted was an answer to the tinder question then why did you post all this stuff about how horrible you are to him? People are going to comment on that.

 

I honestly feel sorry for both of you. I know I sound harsh but it's incredibly frustrating to hear of young people wasting their lives on toxic relationships. I truly believe both of you would be happier apart. But if you want to stay in this misery that's your decision. I'm just offering my opinion.

 

And my bf and I have plans to marry but we still don't combine our bank accounts and won't until we're actually married. You have to protect yourself because there is no guarantee that this love will last forever. You seem to operate on emotion alone and sometimes you have to be practical. But these are things you learn as you get older.

 

I really think if you both want to make this work you will have to get couples counseling. Whatever happens I hope you end up happy.