Reconnected after ending things; should I pursue this further?

[abnormalnormal]

Wow this is a monster. Apologies in advance. I recently ended things with this guy (32m) that I (23f) had been seeing for 6 months. Despite some excellent chemistry, we had largely avoided discussing feelings and the possibility of a relationship. This lack of communication, in combination with the feelings I was developing led me to end things; I was starting to fall in love and felt like he was just using me for convenient sex. (If you want the full story feel free to check out my old post)

 

So a couple days ago I decide to message him after a month of no communication. I tell him I miss him and want to catch up. He responds in kind and we make plans to go out for drinks.

 

Last night was the first time we had seen each other since ending things, and we crammed what should have been 6 months of communication into one evening. Prior to getting intoxicated he tells me "not to worry about any of that stuff" and that I can call him "my friend or my lover or whatever I want"; I feel sheepish and try to brush it off.

 

As we start to get hammered and do unreasonable amounts of cocaine (we are both occasional users) we begin to talk openly. He says that he knew why I ended things (because we avoided talking about our non-relationship), and that he was surprised and happy to have heard from me. We discuss our respective issues with emotional intimacy. I tell him I really like him and didn't want to risk not having him in my life in the event that a DTR conversation went badly. He reciprocates.

 

We also address the issue of monogamy. Upon meeting, I knew he was polyamorous. Despite this, polyamory can be practiced in different ways, some which I feel are ideal and others which I do not. It turns out that we are actually on the same page: looking for a partner with whom you can share most of your emotional intimacy whilst being happy for and honest about outside-the-relationship sexual conquests. But we are both unable to resolve whether it is better to always tell your partner about other sexual conquests or avoid it to spare their feelings. I feel I need the transparency and communication, while he feels it should be avoided under certain circumstances.

 

He tells me he avoids communication and openness to avoid conflict and the possibility of hurt feelings. He tells me that really I know nothing about him, and that he stonewalls on purpose. I tell him I want to know everything about him, and he opens up. We discuss our hopes, dreams and insecurities. He tells me he thought he'd be settled down with kids by now, but hasn't had a relationship ever last longer than a year. Despite our age difference not being that big, I realize that we are in very different places in our lives.

 

I open up about my lifetime of physical, sexual and emotional abuse, and he is accepting but doesn't coddle. He tells me he loves me for my strength in the face of adversity. I also realize that if I pursue this further we will spend much of our time trying to pry each other's walls down.

 

I should also note that we weren't physical with each other throughout the evening (with the exception of a goodnight kiss and cuddling in the back of the cab). I realize I ended it because I felt he was using me for sex, but going from people who were ripping each other's clothes off at every opportunity to nothing is kind of jarring. He did tell me I was beautiful all night though, so I think he's still attracted to me. Have I accidentally put myself in the friendzone? Or was it just his way of communicating that its not just about sex?

 

It becomes clear throughout the night that despite our respective issues, we both care for each other. We make it clear that we want to be in each others lives, but how and on what terms are still unclear. He is moving 2 hours out of the city in a few days, and has told me come see him out there. But as a full-time student who's doing LSAT prep and working, I don't know if a long-distance dynamic could work.

 

So really my question is, is it worth it to continue pursuing this? And if so, under the pretense of establishing friendship, a sexual relationship or a romantic relationship? I would really like to keep this person in my life, he is the first man I've ever fallen in love with. But while he cares for me, I am quite sure I mean something different to him than what he means to me. And the distance, communication/intimacy issues and lack of consensus regarding ideal non-monogamy make it look like continuing this in any meaningful way will be very challenging.

 

TL;DR Just reconnected with someone I broke up with. We never talked about feelings or defining the relationship and crammed all this communication into last night. We both really care for each other but have serious intimacy issues, differences in an ideal non-monogamous dynamic, and are at very different points in our lives. Is it worth it to pursue this connection despite these challenges? And if so, should I pursue it as friends, fwb or romantic partners?

[vesper]

No contact and move on. You guys are both lost. No one is really ready to take a step in the right direction.

[gebaird]

I also realize that if I pursue this further we will spend much of our time trying to pry each other's walls down.

 

Why not work on your own walls so you are able to have a healthier relationship with whomever you may find yourself dating? This relationship has some major issues, and tearing down someone else's walls isn't a life course I'd want to sign up for. If you're already having problems like this after only 6 months of knowing him (normally the first 6 months of a relationship involve starry-eyed bliss), I only see it getting worse from here -- especially with the distance issues.

 

End this relationship, focus on your studies and look for someone who is more emotionally available.

[abnormalnormal]

Why not work on your own walls so you are able to have a healthier relationship with whomever you may find yourself dating? This relationship has some major issues, and tearing down someone else's walls isn't a life course I'd want to sign up for. If you're already having problems like this after only 6 months of knowing him (normally the first 6 months of a relationship involve starry-eyed bliss), I only see it getting worse from here -- especially with the distance issues.

 

End this relationship, focus on your studies and look for someone who is more emotionally available.

 

See, I feel like you're right in that there are some serious and insurmountable issues. And the distance definitely exacerbates that. But is maintaining a less emotionally charged friendship completely impossible and/or a terrible idea? I just feel like complete no contact would waste one of the most unique connections I've ever stumbled upon.

[abnormalnormal]

No contact and move on. You guys are both lost. No one is really ready to take a step in the right direction.

 

I feel like you're probably right. But it honestly makes me kinda sad to think that this is so unhealthy that total no contact is necessary.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like 'sex and drugs and rock'n roll'. Nothing more. That's fine but don't complicate this into thinking it's an exclusive relationship, which he clearly doesn't want.

 

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[JaggerJim]

Your fantasizing a bit more than you should. You dropped him, and he didn't really care. He never contacted you.

 

You resurrected from what I can see, a dead-end hook-up. He's moving away too. I'd just forget it.

[gebaird]

is maintaining a less emotionally charged friendship completely impossible and/or a terrible idea? I just feel like complete no contact would waste one of the most unique connections I've ever stumbled upon.

 

Friendship after love is very rare and very difficult to get right. Most likely you'll be ignored, end up as just a "friend with benefits," or it still will be emotionally charged.

 

Your connection to him may be unique, but is it healthy? Stable? Mutual?