I want to send this last message- Please help

[luisannalui]

So, today I want to send that last message. Yes, again. I'm on day #22 I don't want to give up so many days of hard work. But I'm very upset at the fact that she left the state without picking up the clothes and without allowing me to say good bye to baby son. Why? because baby daddy said no. "J" said in front of dad that mommy bought bunch of cute clothes for him. He was happy. But dad said that I'm not his mom, that I do not exist, and that he's there to buy him clothes. All of the clothes that he has its because I bought it. I bought more for him because he had none when he was a baby sitter. He asked mom to buy him clothes but she didn't as she didn't have time for him. I wanted to make him happy and all I did was create a false illusion on him.

 

 

Right now I'm fighting with my demons. Should I send it or not? My mind says NO, for what? What am I going to earn with this? Nothing, she left already. But my heart say YES. So this is the message:

 

You didn't bother to pick up J clothes or allowed me to say good bye to him. Its not the clothes that bother me, I did it to make him happy and because of your fault once again I created a false illusion on him so that you cowardly allow dad to tell him that I do not exist, dragging your own child with your instability. "J" is not to blame for having an immature father and a ungrateful weak mother who lets herself be manipulated by an abuser.

 

(This part is sarcastically) But as you said, I hurt him. I hurt him by not allowing him to enter my apartment when he went like a crazy to knock on our door at 1AM. I hurt him by getting into a fight with him for disrespecting you and J. As I according to you I pressured you to put a protection order against him, and you rewarded him by returning to him so that he almost kill you. I rather tell you nothing. You have enough having to deal with an abusive man all your life. And that's is an instability that I do not what in mine. Therefore, I would ever create false illusion to J.

[Wiseman2]

Don't send it, but you realize that. It's good to air your thoughts, but it won't accomplish anything sending it.

[luisannalui]

I know that this is just making me a strongest person and to realize that she is not worth having in my life. But is hard.

[luisannalui]

She's not worth my time. I'm on day #22. I rather celebrate that than going back to ZERO to say something she won't even care.

[Dahl]

She's not worth my time. I'm on day #22. I rather celebrate that than going back to ZERO to say something she won't even care.

 

Hang in, mate. You're still fighting the good fight and that's no small thing.

 

What are you doing to reward yourself for your resolve and determination?

 

This is a separate thing from what I saw in your previous posts that you are already working on to improve and otherwise occupy yourself - and good on you for recognizing and striving to do these things, as well!

 

You're slogging through such a difficult situation that I wonder if you are not so committed to the resolution of this miserable period in your life and so focused on moving yourself productively to a healthier conclusion that my concern is, in a carrot and stick approach, you may be inadvertently applying too much stick, too little carrot.

 

You strike me as a thoughtful and sensitive person. How would you treat yourself if you were someone else, someone you were newly dating, for instance?

 

Can you reward your efforts and successes by any tangible means, right now? When you go a full day eschewing her social media, for example, can you take yourself a/o a friend out for a nice meal, if you focus on your own self-insight and -improvement, can you pick up a lovely gift for yourself that you'd otherwise pass up, and so on?

 

Head high. This really will get easier.

[Dahl]

(oops, sorry OP, I did not mean to quote any particular post. Not sure how I did that. My advice and suggestions apply to your present situation, not any specific post.

 

Good luck)

[luisannalui]

Hang in, mate. You're still fighting the good fight and that's no small thing.

 

What are you doing to reward yourself for your resolve and determination?

 

This is a separate thing from what I saw in your previous posts that you are already working on to improve and otherwise occupy yourself - and good on you for recognizing and striving to do these things, as well!

 

You're slogging through such a difficult situation that I wonder if you are not so committed to the resolution of this miserable period in your life and so focused on moving yourself productively to a healthier conclusion that my concern is, in a carrot and stick approach, you may be inadvertently applying too much stick, too little carrot.

 

You strike me as a thoughtful and sensitive person. How would you treat yourself if you were someone else, someone you were newly dating, for instance?

 

Can you reward your efforts and successes by any tangible means, right now? When you go a full day eschewing her social media, for example, can you take yourself a/o a friend out for a nice meal, if you focus on your own self-insight and -improvement, can you pick up a lovely gift for yourself that you'd otherwise pass up, and so on?

 

Head high. This really will get easier.

 

What do you mean that I'm punishing myself more than rewarding myself? I want to be committed and stop stalking her social media. I'm using this period to identify my patterns and improving myself. But I need to control my own demons, its just hard.

 

I know that this anxious feeling of sending this message is a test to prove myself. I have not come this far to fall again. Things cannot be about her anymore, but ME. She knows my weakness and letting out my feelings when angry are one of them. That's why she didn't respect me. I'm hoping that in time this won't be my weakness anymore. In terms of rewarding myself, I'm focusing on paying off my credit card debt and school loans. I did not do this when I was with her, as I was focusing on her. I bought some clothes for me as well.

 

Just this morning I had a brief difference with a family member. In other times, I would sent a message to the person letting out my anger,as I used to do with her, but I didn't. This person did the same thing as before using bad words, I left and said God bless you. But I'm not a 100 percent "cure" as I did responded to her words and used a bad tone.

 

I don't want to be sensitive. This is why people have taken advantage of me. I want to be someone who is able to control her emotions. She did not respect me, she did not value me, she did not give me my place in her life. Why? Because I settle for less. More importantly, because I did not respect myself and value myself.

 

THIS IS WHAT I'M LEARNING. This is what I want to apply in my life. I have to come first , I have to respect, love and value myself. That if someone comes to my life with similar behavior I won't settle. That I won't buy people love. That If we get into a fight I will wait not come to conclusions. More importantly, that person will only be an addition to my happiness, not my happiness.

[Dahl]

What do you mean that I'm punishing myself more than rewarding myself? I want to be committed and stop stalking her social media. I'm using this period to identify my patterns and improving myself. But I need to control my own demons, its just hard.

 

I know that this anxious feeling of sending this message is a test to prove myself. I have not come this far to fall again. Things cannot be about her anymore, but ME. She knows my weakness and letting out my feelings when angry are one of them. That's why she didn't respect me. I'm hoping that in time this won't be my weakness anymore. In terms of rewarding myself, I'm focusing on paying off my credit card debt and school loans. I did not do this when I was with her, as I was focusing on her. I bought some clothes for me as well.

 

Just this morning I had a brief difference with a family member. In other times, I would sent a message to the person letting out my anger,as I used to do with her, but I didn't. This person did the same thing as before using bad words, I left and said God bless you. But I'm not a 100 percent "cure" as I did responded to her words and used a bad tone.

 

I don't want to be sensitive. This is why people have taken advantage of me. I want to be someone who is able to control her emotions. She did not respect me, she did not value me, she did not give me my place in her life. Why? Because I settle for less. More importantly, because I did not respect myself and value myself.

 

THIS IS WHAT I'M LEARNING. This is what I want to apply in my life. I have to come first , I have to respect, love and value myself. That if someone comes to my life with similar behavior I won't settle. That I won't buy people love. That If we get into a fight I will wait not come to conclusions. More importantly, that person will only be an addition to my happiness, not my happiness.

 

No, no. I don't think that you're doing the wrong things - I think that you are doing the smart things and that they're very tough to do.

 

This is why I hope to suggest that you also do kind things, silly things, sweet things for yourself, to balance out the serious things that you are endeavoring to do as part of your recovery.

 

In other words, blocking her social media and occupying yourself with personal growth are exceedingly good, smart efforts - but they are, as you know, challenging and taxing (hence, the 'stick') - so in addition to them, what can you do that's purely a kind, gentle gesture to yourself and a satisfying reward for your triumphs over these current obstacles (the 'carrot')?

 

Having read your other posts on this matter, I think that you're doing well, all things considered. I hope you find brighter days ahead and soon.

[luisannalui]

As your profile says " one problem at a time" thank you. Your words helped a lot. Im not sending the message.

[Dahl]

As your profile says " one problem at a time" thank you. Your words helped a lot. Im not sending the message.

 

I must say 'one problem at a time' to myself a dozen times a day. I'm delighted you found it useful, too.

 

I think that your decision is the wisest course. I know that doesn't make it an easier, though. You're doing the right thing.

 

Head high, mate.

[luisannalui]

Im done. I changed my number and close my social media accounts. I told my friend to stop talking to me about her. I dont want to hear it neither positive or negative.

 

I mentioned earlier she told my friend that baby son wants to speak with me. She than called again my friend saying that the only way he would speak with me if my friend call from her number. Shes saying she dont want to get in trouble. Shes afraid thatI would post a screenshot of the video conversation. Seriously? First I didnt even know I couldnt post a pic of him anymore and second why I would do it to bother if I used to do it with no problem before.

 

When I went to visit baby son at baby sitter I posted a pictures of us Together. She told me to remove it, I didn't feel I did something wrong but it looks like she would get in trouble for me posting pictures with him. I was so pissed off! Shes treating me as the worst person in the world. Shes making things as Im chasing her when I've been in no contact for #23 days.

 

This just confirm shes with baby daddy in fact I dont care. What I do care is ME. In other time I would have sent her a message about it but shes not worth my time.

 

This time was different. I didnt have the urge to send this last message. I wanted to stop this. Thats why I changed number and closed my social media. Told my friend to stop talking about her.

[Dahl]

 

This time was different. I didnt have the urge to send this last message. I wanted to stop this. Thats why I changed number and closed my social media. Told my friend to stop talking about her.

 

I am impressed by you and I hope you are proud of yourself!

 

You are doing so much, mate. Head high!

 

I think that she is demonstrating very poor character in using her child and your genuine bond with him as a tool for whatever manipulative efforts she's making. What a lousy thing to do to her son, as well as you. You care about her child independent of whatever happened / happens between the two of you. To torment you knowing that you are interested in his well-being simply because you are sincerely caring of him is flatly cruel in my opinion. I'm profoundly sorry for this aspect, in what you are going through, as well.

 

You're making measurable progress and I am truly rooting for you!

[luisannalui]

Thanks Dahl. Im sick and tired of listening what shes saying about me. Its like she never knew me. First, she insulted me saying that I told baby daddy about our conversation. She told baby sitter I wanted to cause her trouble. She stated that I contacted baby daddy and sent screenshot of our conversation. This time I gave her the attention she wanted and the opportunity to humiliate me by hanging up the phone. I explained to her that if I wanted to "harm" her I would have send him the divorce paper Instead of screening a conv where I told her Im not ready to be friends, it was just a silly conv. She always knew I need to explain myself as I hate when ppl think Im lying or making up story about me (Aha! Heres another weakness of mine she knows so well)

 

So this time shes telling my best friend that the only way I can speak with J is through her phone as she dont want problem. She dont have the gut to say " Im afraid of baby daddy or I respect him more than I did to you" or confront him as I loved her child unconditionally and he has nothing to do with this. The moment she told me to delete J pictures I did. But she rather wants to believe that I screenshot everything to harm her . When she drunk dialed me she did it via FaceTime I could have screenshot the conv but I didn't . Im not like this and she's acting as she don't know me.

 

I don't understand why shes doing all this but she wont interfere in my progress. This time I care less what she thinks and Im doing all I need to do to move on.

 

Day #25. Day #4 no stalking

[abitbroken]

If the child is not yours, what right to you have to go to the baby sitter, visit the child and post pictures of the child on social media? I know my SIL would NOT want pictures of my niece on the internet at all unless she posts them and only rarely. If you posted a picture of the child with you and posted it, I think that would be like waving a red cape in front of a bull. Why go there??

[abitbroken]

I am confused here - she has a small child with a man, breaks up with him - runs into a lesbian relationship with you and lives with you and her kid, and now either decided to go back with the child's father, or if not, just doesn't want you around anymore - do i have that right? And you feel you have a right to the child somehow? Am i understanding the story correctly?

[luisannalui]

Yes you are correct but not in the part I feel I have rights to him.

 

We lived together for two years. She wanted us to be a family. He had two mother and his dad. We always post pictures together n social media. She wanted me to put him on social media as my son, I did. She ended the relationship and is back with baby daddy for the second time and she takes him away from me as well. The first time she ended the relationship she did. The second time as well, although I asked her to promise me to not do it.

 

Baby daddy who is an homofobic things that I steal his son's love. But I earned his love. "J" would draw a family picture of us three, he said that baby father didnt fit in the picture. When we were together, we never talked bad about baby father, but baby father would stop seeing him or sending money just because she didnt want to be with him. For the two years, I supported him financially and emotionally.

 

 

I never knew that things would turn up this way. I understand that his mom and I are not together but I treated him as my son, she allowed me to do it, he loves me as well but now we cant see each other. She doesnt care he asks about me everyday. All I know is that I wont create false illusion on him anymore.

 

 

Im done for good. I changed my number so that she has no way to contact me. I told my friend to stop stalking to me about her. I dont want to listen anything positive or negative she has to say.

[Annia]

This is a very unhealthy dynamic for the child. She should have never tried to make you be like "a second mother" for the child or you being so involved in the child's life without more stability in the relationship. You are not the mother of the child, you were his mother's girlfriend or maybe something like a stepmother.

 

Anyway, I'm happy that you took the necessary steps to disconnect from her. I think in the long run it will be better for you. Good luck.

 

Edit: I read it a bit better and I understand a little better, I can understand that not only you have to deal with the break up but with J being with such a mentally unhealthy mother and abusive father.

[luisannalui]

Thank you, you are so right Annia.

 

I never though that things would end like this. We were living together for two yrs until June, she left our apt and went back with baby daddy and than took me back and we last again for 5 month. Now I see shes doing the same again, taking him away from me when she ended and than I was part of his life again when we got together again.

I dont want this instability for his life, at least on my end I wont let it happen again. Im not going to put on him false illusion anymore.

 

I love him a lot but I dont want trouble and drama. Im taking all of the necessary steps so that she stay out of my life.

[Annia]

Thank you, you are so right Annia.

 

I never though that things would end like this. We were living together for two yrs until June, she left our apt and went back with baby daddy and than took me back and we last again for 5 month. Now I see shes doing the same again, taking him away from me when she ended and than I was part of his life again when we got together again.

I dont want this instability for his life, at least on my end I wont let it happen again. Im not going to put on him false illusion anymore.

 

I love him a lot but I dont want trouble and drama. Im taking all of the necessary steps so that she stay out of my life.

 

I think you're on the right path to moving on. Now you need to keep NC and totally remove yourself from this unhealthy dynamic.

[luisannalui]

Thank you all. Im sorry for "J" but I'm done with this unhealthy dynamic.

 

my friend will tell my ex if she comes again saying that he wants to talk to me that I said "I dont want trouble or drama prefer that things stays as it is" also, my friend will tell her for the third time to stop talking about me with her.

 

Its a very slow process but believes me it does get better.

 

Day #26 NC. Day #5 No social media stalking.

[luisannalui]

I have a friend (woman) we know each other for years as we used to work together. Well, She been flirting with me lately and want us to go out together. I always come up with an excuse, idk why. Although I do have the desire to go out and have fun, I dont feel the "push" yet. She knows about my ex and shes going through the same process- so she knows she'll be a rebound. But Im not a fan of "rebound relationships" but do feel that I need some type of entertainment to get my ex out my mind.

 

Any advice?

[abitbroken]

Yes you are correct but not in the part I feel I have rights to him.

 

We lived together for two years. She wanted us to be a family. He had two mother and his dad. We always post pictures together n social media. She wanted me to put him on social media as my son, I did. She ended the relationship and is back with baby daddy for the second time and she takes him away from me as well. The first time she ended the relationship she did. The second time as well, although I asked her to promise me to not do it.

 

Baby daddy who is an homofobic things that I steal his son's love. But I earned his love. "J" would draw a family picture of us three, he said that baby father didnt fit in the picture. When we were together, we never talked bad about baby father, but baby father would stop seeing him or sending money just because she didnt want to be with him. For the two years, I supported him financially and emotionally.

 

 

I never knew that things would turn up this way. I understand that his mom and I are not together but I treated him as my son, she allowed me to do it, he loves me as well but now we cant see each other. She doesnt care he asks about me everyday. All I know is that I wont create false illusion on him anymore.

 

 

Im done for good. I changed my number so that she has no way to contact me. I told my friend to stop stalking to me about her. I dont want to listen anything positive or negative she has to say.

 

Just because someone doesn't want another person moving in as a parent figure on his child does not make him homophobic. It makes him a father who wants to father his child and be a family with his child and the child's mother. You are a blocker to that - whether you are a woman or a man. I think that this involves a lot of learning perhaps about boundaries - if someone has a kid - you live apart, you take it slow, you slowly get introduced to the kid. You tell us what she allowed, but you have to have sensible boundaries for yourself - "here, be a second mom to my kid" doesn't mean you should jump on that immediately.

 

I would cut contact with her, dust yourself off and heal and keep your eyes on the road. Don't date anyone right now - learn about yourself and don't just fill a temporary need for someone to play house - find someone who is stable and available.

[abitbroken]

I have a friend (woman) we know each other for years as we used to work together. Well, She been flirting with me lately and want us to go out together. I always come up with an excuse, idk why. Although I do have the desire to go out and have fun, I dont feel the "push" yet. She knows about my ex and shes going through the same process- so she knows she'll be a rebound. But Im not a fan of "rebound relationships" but do feel that I need some type of entertainment to get my ex out my mind.

 

Any advice?

 

If she has been a friend for a long time, then you can be honest with her that you just got out of a messy relationship. If she is looking for a plus one for an extra concert ticket, then fine, but if she is a friend that you don't want to hurt and don't want to hurt yourself, take a breather. You can go out with platonic friends and have fun, join a team or a club. Don't make lame excuses to not go out with her, just be straight up with her and if you decide to just do a friend - only thing, lay it out - where you are at and if she is interested, call you in six months.

[luisannalui]

Just because someone doesn't want another person moving in as a parent figure on his child does not make him homophobic. It makes him a father who wants to father his child and be a family with his child and the child's mother. You are a blocker to that - whether you are a woman or a man. I think that this involves a lot of learning perhaps about boundaries - if someone has a kid - you live apart, you take it slow, you slowly get introduced to the kid. You tell us what she allowed, but you have to have sensible boundaries for yourself - "here, be a second mom to my kid" doesn't mean you should jump on that immediately.

 

I would cut contact with her, dust yourself off and heal and keep your eyes on the road. Don't date anyone right now - learn about yourself and don't just fill a temporary need for someone to play house - find someone who is stable and available.

 

Oh it did take took time, . I told her from the beginning, I can't fake love. My fault for taking responsibilities that in the end wasn't mine. I did not take anyone place, he knows who he father and mother is. I was a second mom, I did everything a mother would do for a son. It sucks that I only existed when we were together. Lesson learned.

 

I cut contact 💯 shes block from everywhere and I changed my number. Im not planning to date. This girl that Im talking ahout we know each other for long (maybe 7yrs?) she knows my situation. Im using this time for my self. Its hetting better. Thanks God.

[luisannalui]

Day #27 NC. Three more days for Day #30. Im going to treat myself that day to celebrate.