ARGH!!!!! Is it too soon???

[Rozanne]

Hey guys!

 

Just wondering if you have any advice for me!

 

I've just come out of a really nasty breakup about three weeks ago - please see my old posts - BUT I have met the man of my dreams and we're going on a date on Sunday!!!

 

My last relationship lasted for 5years and before then, I seemed to drift from boyfriend to boyfriend so essentially - I've never been on a proper adult date!

 

Any first date tips would be much appreciated!

 

Also, do you reckon its a bad idea to start seeing someone so quickly after a breakup. I'm not bothered about my ex - he cheated on me - so to hang with his feelings. BUT I'm wondering if I'm getting into a pattern of constant relationships - I've never been alone for longer than 3 months since I was 15!

Do you think I should go for it with this new guy or take some time to myself?

[providentielle]

If you like him I wouldn't get too caught up in the too soon thing, i've never understood all the rebound relationship stuff. If you feel you need time then tke it and if not then just enjoy yourself!

[Beec]

Simple opinion, yes, it is too early and you should spend some time not in relationships. Complication, if this guy is really the man for you, then you would be stupid fool to let him get away. Can you find some middle ground?

 

First date tips.

 

One, be ready, be on time.

 

Two, dress appropriately. If you are going somewhere and know how people dress there, dress near the upper range, don't don't stand out too much.

 

Three, if you are in a car with him, make sure you unlock his door. Don't fail the blind date test. Blind date test: go to pick her up; lock your cars doors; go to her door, unlock it open the door and close it for her; walk around the car; if you have to unlock the door, do it, get it and tell her to get out; as she has just failed the test.

 

Four, don't talk too much. LISTEN.

 

Five, when you talk to him, look at his face, keep your eyes on the triangular area from the outside of his eyebrows to the tip of his nose. The closer you are, the smaller the triangle. When he is about to stop talking, lock onto his eyes and hold eye contact for a moment after he stops, before you begin to talk.

 

Six, have fun, just have fun and be yourself, but your best self. Upbeat as you normally get, smiling, fun, but not fake.

[Rozanne]

wow - Beec!

 

The blind date test is a new one for me!!! I shall scrawl "remember to unlock his door" in biro onto my arm!

 

I'm really looking forward to it - but I'm slightly worried too!

I feel like I'm cheating on my ex, I must have some sort of crazy guilt complex.....

 

 

I am fully aware that I am nowhere near being over my ex yet. But I really don't want to let this guy go away - he is perfect in everyway and makes me feel like the most precious thing in the world AND he's really into me too!

I don't want to ruin a first date by giving him the whole "I've just broken up with someone....I really like you....but things will have to be real slow..." spiel. Or would I be better off just being honest and letting him know the deal from the get-go?

[chai714]

Any first date tips would be much appreciated!

 

Also, do you reckon its a bad idea to start seeing someone so quickly after a breakup. I'm not bothered about my ex - he cheated on me - so to hang with his feelings. BUT I'm wondering if I'm getting into a pattern of constant relationships - I've never been alone for longer than 3 months since I was 15!

Do you think I should go for it with this new guy or take some time to myself?

 

I do think it's a bad idea to date this early after a breakup, but since you're going, might as well make the best of it.

 

My first date tip is most importantly - do something where there is interaction. Avoid going to the movies at all costs. I always recommend going to coffee for a first date. You can be there for 20 minutes (if it's bad) or 2 hours, and it makes for a good conversation.

 

Listen to what he talks about, then rephrase to him what he just said. People love talking about themselves, so feed him by "acting" or rather being interested in his life. You can almost act like a news reporter, except that you will give some insight to your life as well, but more active listening is better.

 

As far as etiquette goes, turn off your cell phone. Unless you have a kid, it's best to not have it on, or if you must, put it on silent. Offer to pay your half on the first date (he will probably pay, but don't expect it). It really impresses me when a female offers to pay her half on the first date, and I appreciate her gesture. Good luck, and most importantly, have fun with the situation.

[Beec]

Well, if he is not pushing for a relationship, you should probably not need to have the conversation right away. I mean this is the kind of conversation that normally does not need to take place before the third date.

 

(Third date rule: you know whether or not you would like to sleep with him (or her) by them. You may not, but if there is a fourth date, they want you. And that means you are probably talking relationship.)

 

But, how many of us ever really talk about when we are in or not in a relationship? Most of us just find ourselves in one without ever agreeing that it is exclusive or that we have a relationship. We just know at some point that we expect that they are not seeing anyone else, and we expect the same from them. It's not discussed until after the fact.

 

So all you need to do is control the pace yourself. When he asks to see you two nights after your first date, put him off a week, be busy. When he calls for a third date, tell him you'd like it but see if you can delay a bit. Think about talking during the third date.

[DN]

No don't mention anything about the ex unless he asks and only then in most casual terms.

 

do not say anything about taking it slow. This is a first date - you have no idea if it is the first step on a lifetime commitment. That would be way too heavy, way too soon.

 

Just go and have fun, see if you have 'chemistry' and if he asks you for a second date. Time for explanations about exes and talks about taking it slow should wait until the relationship is at least out of the starting gate. You haven't had the green flag yet!!

[Rozanne]

Guys!!!! Thankyou for the advice - you probably saved me from making an utter fool out of myself and scaring the poor bloke away!!

 

Right.... so next question.....after how many dates do guys expect sex?

 

Obviously - he's not getting any until I decide if I really like him or not. BUT as I said - I have never been on proper adult dates before!!!

 

So hypothetically, when should you sleep with a boy that you really like without looking like a hussy/prude?

[Beec]

Good stuff chai. I tend to like women who offer to pay or split the check, but I will never split it, especially not if I asked her on a first date. Offer, don't insist.

 

I do also like women who pick up or apy for dates, on occasion. I think the best ones way for women to do this is to just take control of a date now and then, arrange and have everything paid for before it begins. order movie tickets ahead, have a dinner planned and purchased, etc. The money is not the issue, but shouldering the whole burden to keep the dating going is sometimes an issue. It's nice when she contributes more than her presense. If all she gives is her presense, then what does that say about what my presense is worth? Seemingly, it would not be worth much.

[DN]

Rozanne, darlin' - go and have some fun and see what happens!!

 

You are over-analysing this because you are over-anxious. Jeez - it's just a date. Take it easy, relax and enjoy yourself. Have sex when it feels natural and good.

 

I almost said you should have sex about one hour, fifteen and a half minutes into the third date - just to tease you

 

See if there is anything 'there' there, before worrying about all that stuff.

[justsweetgirl]

to call someone "the man of your dreams" before you have even been on a date with him is unhealthy. Not to mention the fact that you are only three weeks out of a relationship. Take it slooowwwww, but take it.

[thegreatdl]

First off, I happened to find this site while searching on an unrelated topic, then got sucked into reading everyone's insite. I think this forum has a lot to offer.

 

Secondly, related to "is it too soon?" My gut feeling tells me that if you have to ask this question, it probably is. Although I don't know you very well so its hard for me answer yes or no. As the saying goes, you can, learn more from someone in an hour of play than a year of conversation.

 

Go out have fun, but dont press the issue, just because you think he could be "the one" think about it from his point of view. What does he think? Being a man myself, often times I'm not thinking about finding the lady of my dreams; to me that puts way too much pressure on the relationship's front end. The idea is balance, get to know the other person, and while you are learning about them, leave your ego at home.

 

Hope this helps.