Emotionally Immature Ex?

[SoMuchLove]

Hi,

 

I recently went through a break up with my ex of 4 years. We ended due to work getting in the way (long-distance) though a simple solution neither of us thought of (we are not great forward thinkers) was to see each other on Sundays if I worked Saturdays. Anyway, it's been 3 months and she had gotten into a rebound relationship shortly after (ongoing) We talked everything out, she insisted on arguing, attacking, blaming while I preferred to discuss and communicate stating that she did support me when I said I had to push the trips back (which I see wasn't what she really wanted)

 

She's been emotionally abusive for lack of a better phrase. However, this was beneficial to my growth as I am a later bloomer (she just turned 21 I am 31) I never had anyone rub guys in my face, try to make me jealous, take phone calls around me, basically flat out disrespect me like she did. I had took vacation time to see her (8 hours just for Friday) for 3 days and she basically was one her phone the ENTIRE time (not exaggerating) and I told her it was rude but she persisted, calling other people, saying she was wearing the new guy's tank top and sweatpants,threw tantrums like a child, didn't want me to touch her, withheld sex (we did it once so apparently she's a cheater now) wouldn't let me kiss her, and didn't want to talk every-time I asked what was wrong. It was a total waste of time. People I texted said I should bail, but I saw it was a chance to grow so I weathered the storm. Even through it all, I paid for her meals instead of letting her starve lol. Gah, coming out on the other end I sound like such a chump as I type this lol.

 

Anyway, I did leave her in the hotel room by herself to spend time swimming with some friends that also came down the following day. If felt good because I knew she was testing if I would really leave or not and when I did she seemed pissed lol (she changed her mind about coming and stayed in the room and didn't think I'd leave her alone) She was more compliment to cuddle me when I got back to the room then the "don't touch me's" starting up again. She was also very rude at dinner and in-front of my friends.

 

I feel she isn't over the break up. She lead me to believe we'd have fun and all was well, but it seems she tricked me just to try to torture me (which now that totally messed up any shot of getting back together soon) She's a tad held back so she behaves like a teenager since she was a bit sheltered. I realized she was emotionally immature at those moments because in the relationship, she NEVER showed me this side of her (I'm a sweet and understanding guy so I knew this day would come and would maybe be our downfall) I know she has some growing to do so I feel I should step back, give her time to grow, go NC so she can deal with the break up properly and let go of the negative emotions. This Just turned into senseless childish drama. I had told her I could see her that December for 4 days around Xmas but she said no, initiated the break up and is now trying to blame and screw with still for choices SHE made lol. She absolutely can't communicate like an adult and that has been the core problem (along with me explaining this style/urging her to)

 

I know I'm all over lol. As mature man, mature communicator, patient, forgiving, understanding, and now recently seeing boundaries I've set to not tolerate that behavior, how should I handle this? I know, "leave her alone and let her grow up/get another girl" is one I've heard and is obvious with the sheer disrespect, but she's damaged us getting back together since she has shown me the flaws she needs to fix. I'm just trying to maintain a friendship and be a bit by her side until she grows to see if we might try again in the far future. She hasn't had much a life outside of me so I get she needs to explore (something I pushed her to do in the relationship because our relationship was her life lol) To think we were about to move in and get married!

[Dahl]

I think that I'm missing an important piece here. Are you asking if she sounds emotionally immature or?..

[SoMuchLove]

Sorry! I am very tried as I type lol

 

I feel she is emotionally immature, but am curious as to if there is any way to reason with her and get her to understand she's being dramatic and blowing the break up way out of proportion? It's hard to communicate with someone who doesn't want to try to fix something then complains about very things they don't want to talk about the next day. She's treating me like I was abusive or something when the relationship was mainly peace with discussions/arguments over her being jealous/clingy, wanting me to block girls on Facebook etc. Overall, we never had major problems other than work getting in the way. If she was more mature I think she'd be more understanding of that.

[Hollyj]

Why did you meet her if she is involved with another?

[MissCanuck]

She is too young to settle down, and as you said, she has a lot of growing up to do. If she's been with you for 4 years, she hasn't really known anyone else besides you so it was unlikely she'd want to commit forever at this point in her life. 10 years is a significant gap at your respective ages. She's not at the same life stage as you.

 

However, you can't make her see things your way. It's pretty clear she doesn't want to talk about reconciliation, and I can't see why you two met up when you knew she is seeing someone else. She dates someone else, so you take her away and buy her dinner? That makes no sense.

 

You need to not be a doormat, OP. She evidently doesn't want the same things you do right now, so you would be best advised to stay away and not do the Pick Me Dance.

[Krankor]

OK, it's going to sound like I'm being snotty here. I'm not, I'm just really struggling to understand this situation...

 

Anyway, what was 27-year-old you thinking getting involved with a 16 or 17-year-old girl? Is that even legal where you live? How did you think it was going to go?

 

Dude, the only advice I'll offer in good conscience is to walk. Wash your hands of this disaster and walk. Go no contact. Let her grow up and find herself and make better decisions with your own life from now on. As for how she handles the breakup that's on her; not your issue or concern.

[SoMuchLove]

Why did you meet her if she is involved with another?

 

She says the relationship isn't serious which she doesn't realize it's more of a rebound relationship (Claims they are just friends) She says he doesn't care what she does and vice versa, but I know it's because he is seeing other girls behind her back (said he doesn't want the putting up Facebook pics together, don't want to be listed in relationship and that he told her to not tell anyone that they are "together")

 

She is too young to settle down, and as you said, she has a lot of growing up to do. If she's been with you for 4 years, she hasn't really known anyone else besides you so it was unlikely she'd want to commit forever at this point in her life. 10 years is a significant gap at your respective ages. She's not at the same life stage as you.

 

However, you can't make her see things your way. It's pretty clear she doesn't want to talk about reconciliation, and I can't see why you two met up when you knew she is seeing someone else. She dates someone else, so you take her away and buy her dinner? That makes no sense.

 

You need to not be a doormat, OP. She evidently doesn't want the same things you do right now, so you would be best advised to stay away and not do the Pick Me Dance.

 

Solid advice. When I went to see her, it was on the grounds of being FWB and trying to start of fresh. I wasn't trying to get her back. Before I got down there she led me to believe all was well then it turned out she wanted to be vengeful lol. She is making this difficult since I've long since stop trying to get her back. I told her the door was open for the future and we can move forward, yet that door has been closing due to her crazy behavior. She hopped into a rebound so she hasn't processed the pain of the break up like I have. She still gets jealous when I mention other girls lol. It was a trip with friends btw (4 people) so I couldn't let her starve.

 

I'm far from a doormat. I passed a lot of the tests she threw at me, but I gave her the benefit of a doubt for the 3 days. I never saw this behavior so I stayed for growth and curiosity. It sucked, but as a late bloomer, it was worth it oddly. Now, she can talk about the guy and I don't care. I think they say "Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is" She did me a favor my damaging a lot of the feelings I had. Now I can move on much better and not care if she gets jealous when I mention other girls. It's her problem since it's my just living my life and not playing games.

 

Anyway, what was 27-year-old you thinking getting involved with a 16 or 17-year-old girl? Is that even legal where you live? How did you think it was going to go?

 

Basically, we met randomly on Facebook when I was adding people to promote my dj business. I send a generic message and she started talking to me. As we talked more and more I noticed she started to get a crush on me. I thought it was cute and disregarded it due to the age actually (which is legal here) Over time, my feelings started to grow and I just fell in love. Deep in love. It just happened naturally as I rejected her 3 times lol. We didn't have sex until she was 18 as this was a long distance relationship and had no car at the time and no money for rental (if I didn't mention... that was a misfortune time in my life lol) I fell for he so hard I didn't care about age. It was just a number at that point

 

I think you're all right. I really can't force her to be a certain way or handle things a certain way. I think I need to do NC and step back before she causes anymore damage to our friendship. I'd hate to lose her in my life because of her lack of maturity with handling break ups. As I've stated, I never saw this side of her until now as I believe she let me be her guide in the relationship. Now that she's out, I think she's rebelling and trying to exercise a freedom that she oddlya already had lol. I never controlled her, but her mom put ideas in her head as she didn't like me because her family is dysfunctional and treated her TERRIBLY in all the years I've known her. Total emotional abuse. So when I couldn't travel to see her, she made it seem like I didn't care and used the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing. I'm like, this is my first relationship lol. I ain't gonna get is all right lol.