update on guy hung up on abusive ex..I figured this all out. Thanks to you guys

[spandora]

So, the guy I posted about who was still hung up on his abusive ex..after telling me he realized through dating me he "wasn't ready to date"..who I ended up talking to for hours and hours about his ex..has still been ACTIVE (green light) every day, logging on and off, OKCupid where I met him.

 

I think I have this figured out, thanks to some comments you guys made on someone else's thread.

 

He just wanted me for a shoulder to cry on while he continued to try to claim his ex is a "friend" and let the abusive ex continue to manipulate him.

 

I guess he thought I might also provide companionship and sex at the same time but..of course..he could never offer a rel'ship cuz.."not ready to date." not to mention, he wasn't even PHYSICALLY available while his ex was sending him rage-filled text messages, because he'd crumble from it..

 

And I think he was on OKCupid looking for yet another woman to give him what he wanted from me, since I walked away.

 

Kind of disappointed in myself that it took me a while to see all of this. I still thought he was just a "confused", abused good guy.

 

TBH I hate when people try to game me, so I went off on him about this. He got upset, but I really don't care. If he was REALLY interested in a healthy relationship, he wouldn't keep the abusive ex in his life. That's not what he wants..he just wants someone he can whine to about her, who'll keep him from getting lonely, while he sits there wishing she'd get "better" so they can reunite. I see it so clearly now.

[RainyCoast]

so I went off on him about this. He got upset, but I really don't care.

you mean now, you confronted him about this? nah, never amounts to anything.

 

yup, he's fishing for a new savior to sell his poor him act to. until the witch graces him with a new round of abuse.

 

stay wayyy away from dates with sob stories and uncontained affect about their volatile past, history of crazy exs, and an absurd amount of "borderlines and narcissists" in their lives.

[Hollyj]

If someone tells you they are not ready to date, or talks about their ex, they are not over them.

 

They are a waste of time.

 

We all need to listen to what people tell and show us.

[Hollyj]

OP, You only had three dates with this guy. Do you usually get this attached so early? I read at least three threads that you created on this topic

[RainyCoast]

ooo, i did not read the past threads.

 

once you find out they're a manipulative victim, you can pretty much skip trying to find out how they're wired, to instead ponder on how you are programed to entertain them in the first place.

 

i still haven't read the past thread, but intense emotional investments early on, excessive empathy and rescuing pretty much cue you to unlearn codependent relating styles.

[Hollyj]

ooo, i did not read the past threads.

 

once you find out they're a manipulative victim, you can pretty much skip trying to find out how they're wired, to instead ponder on how you are programed to entertain them in the first place.

 

i still haven't read the past thread, but intense emotional investments early on, excessive empathy and rescuing pretty much cue you to unlearn codependent relating styles.

 

Spot on!!!!!!!