Need advice , lost and frustrated

[allibaidoo4]

My boyfriend (23) and I(24) have been dating since September 2016 and officially bf and gf since November 2016.Since we have been together he has been amazing very attentive ,and caring. We would text every single day and talk on the phone . In November,my boyfriend expressed that his father will be coming to America from Guinea and expressed that when his dad comes he tends to be a different person since his father stresses him out.well his dad came back in November and expressed that he wants to move the family out to another state . My bf has expressed that he does not want to go and he has a lot to lose if he moves (currently in state school to get his bachelors and is working full time). Well the last three weeks my attentive bf has become very distant and though he text me everyday he doesn't call me anymore or consistently text me brought out the day . I talked to him about my concerns and he expressed that he has been stressed about his parents wanting to move as well as his parents arguing and bringing him in the middle. He expressed that he is sorry for being distanced and he expressed that he understands it's not fair. Well after that talk I though he would make more of an effort to communicate and it has become worst he would text me and I would reply and he won't text back .i raised my concerns to him again yesterday and he again apologized and expressed that he currently is not in right frame of mind and is really stressed about his family issues and his parents wanting to move. I said okay.He has expressed to me continuously that he is not moving yet he has not expressed that to his parents . Today of course is Valentine's Day and I haven't gotten not one text from him . I honestly don't know what to do and I don't know what would be the best course of action in this situation . Right now I'm giving him his space but I can't lie and say that the fact that he is acting this way isn't hurtful.

[Wiseman2]

Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? Does your bf or his family live in the US?

 

It sounds like he warned you then explained several times that this would create problems for him. Do his parents know he has a gf?

his father will be coming to America from Guinea his dad came back in November and expressed that he wants to move the family out to another state. I talked to him about my concerns and he expressed that he has been stressed about his parents wanting to move as well as his parents arguing and bringing him in the middle. i raised my concerns to him again yesterday and he again apologized and expressed that he currently is not in right frame of mind and is really stressed about his family issues and his parents wanting to move.

[DancingFool]

This is how he handles stress. Take it or leave it. Frankly, when someone warns you ahead of time that they will be behaving poorly, you really need to treat that as a huge reg flag. Meaning that they know that how they are handling things isn't good, but rather than working on changing that, they dump it on their SO as you either tolerate or walk away. If this is not how you want your relationship to be, consider that you would be well within your rights to walk away. He is showing you his colors and he knows it.

 

Personally, I don't judge the relationship and potential partner by how great things are, but rather by how they handle life's difficulties, stresses, and challenges. I want a partner who will withstand the worst of the storms and pull himself together. Life will throw a lot of of curve balls your way and it's critical to have a partner by our side who can handle things.

[allibaidoo4]

Have you met in person? How often do you see each other? Does your bf or his family live in the US?

 

It sounds like he warned you then explained several times that this would create problems for him. Do his parents know he has a gf?

Yes we have met in person we see each other once or twice a week. My bf and I both live in NY his parents are Muslim and his dad has four wives and 9 children altogether ,three of the wives live in Guiena with 5 of the kids. My bf lives with his mom and two of his sisters his father came from guiena to visit and expressed he wants to move the whole family to Buffalo to live in the same house.my bf is the oldest son even though he has an older sister , everything falls on him since he is a male and the oldest.

[j.man]

Honestly, texting all day and being expected to call sounds nauseating. You were given a heads up, and I took that as a red flag as well. But then seeing the extent of his behavior was simply he wasn't calling like he was, it didn't strike me as a big deal. It would be another thing if he were taking his stress out on you.

 

You can either be a relief from stress or part of it. Being that you elected not to afford him the space, you've become the latter. It's difficult to say which is the chicken and which is the egg, whether he'd be more inclined to reach out had he been left to adjust and deal with the stress for a bit without getting nagged.

[allibaidoo4]

This is how he handles stress. Take it or leave it. Frankly, when someone warns you ahead of time that they will be behaving poorly, you really need to treat that as a huge reg flag. Meaning that they know that how they are handling things isn't good, but rather than working on changing that, they dump it on their SO as you either tolerate or walk away. If this is not how you want your relationship to be, consider that you would be well within your rights to walk away. He is showing you his colors and he knows it.

 

Personally, I don't judge the relationship and potential partner by how great things are, but rather by how they handle life's difficulties, stresses, and challenges. I want a partner who will withstand the worst of the storms and pull himself together. Life will throw a lot of of curve balls your way and it's critical to have a partner by our side who can handle things.

You are right that he did warn me but he just said he acts diffferrnt now I can take a lot of things and then there are something's I just can't take he didn't explain to what extent he would differently until he started acting different then he explained what he meant by his comment. I guess I feel bad walking away from him in his time of stress or need so that's why I'm still trying but I'll give it a couple of more weeks and if anything I'll just have to end things because I do want someone who can be stressed and feel whatever they are feeling but then have the ability to pull themselves together an tackle the problem.

[allibaidoo4]

Honestly, texting all day and being expected to call sounds nauseating. You were given a heads up, and I took that as a red flag as well. But then seeing the extent of his behavior was simply he wasn't calling like he was, it didn't strike me as a big deal. It would be another thing if he were taking his stress out on you.

 

You can either be a relief from stress or part of it. Being that you elected not to afford him the space, you've become the latter. It's difficult to say which is the chicken and which is the egg, whether he'd be more inclined to reach out had he been left to adjust and deal with the stress for a bit without getting nagged.

I didn't tell him that he is expected to call and text me everyday he just started doing that on his own. If someone shows me a certain behavior or a way that they like to communicate I expect them to uphold to that when they don't that let's me know something is wrong so him not calling or texting consistently or even having time to taking time to come out to see me was a sign that something was wrong with him because it's not in his character that he has been showing me for the last couple of months. Also if he expressed that he needed space I would have giving it to him but he didn't state that so I had to figure out what was going on.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like what's upsetting you is that he's moving away and you'll break up. Also they probably have a first bride for him in an arranged marriage and don't know about you. Will he have many wives also? One is the US and maybe some more back in Guinea

 

Texting on vday is the least of your problems. His dad is planning your bf's future without you. That's what his stress and distance is about.

My bf and I both live in NY his parents are Muslim and his dad has four wives. My bf lives with his mom and two of his sisters his father came from guiena to visit and expressed he wants to move the whole family to Buffalo to live in the same house

[allibaidoo4]

So I have an update on my situation. I haven't heard from my bf in a week and two days I am thinking of texting him and suggesting that we either break up or take a break.Do you guys think that's a good idea?

[Wiseman2]

Why suggest a break when he's giving you a break? Do you think that will get his attention and he'll say "Oh no! don't do that" and start texting more?

 

What is your objective? Is he still he's vacationing with his family? Do you think they are introducing him to his arranged marriage future bride?

I haven't heard from my bf in a week and two days I am thinking of texting him and suggesting that we either break up or take a break.

[allibaidoo4]

Why suggest a break when he's giving you a break? Do you think that will get his attention and he'll say "Oh no! don't do that" and start texting more?

 

What is your objective? Is he still he's vacationing with his family? Do you think they are introducing him to his arranged marriage future bride?

 

 

My objective is not to be in limbo.He's not on vacation he's in the state's with his family and no I don't think so.

[allibaidoo4]

Hey guys, thank you for all your help. We broke up and I'm fine. I wasn't really crazy about him anyway so it worked out I guess