Really struggling, did he use a cop out?

[Person1001]

These last 2 weeks have been a struggle for me, this came at a bad time since im travelling. I had felt something off w my long distance partnet and i found out that he has had emotional connection issues w people in his life. We met online and met in person 3 times, he wanted the relationship and said I love you 1st.

 

We are at diff stages, im a college grad w a professional job, he is younger and still figuring things out. Idk if he is just looking out for me or using excuses. He has told me:

-you are perfect, im broken (its me not you)

-i live you, but want to be single

-you deserve much better

-you should date other guys

-its not fair to me to drag it on

 

He went on a trip as well. He told me he confided in a good friend. He loves me, but isnt happy and his friend said well you just arent happy. Apparently he confided in several of his friends and they did not understand.

 

It was hard for him to let go and i am devastated. I kept messaging him and he would respond. I told him nc for a week to see what happens and he agreed and dint want me berating him. I plan on starting to date again, but im struggling to let go. I asked abt boudaries and he said he would prefer me not to kiss, hug flirt w other men, but he cant stop me. He said we could try again, he just wants to be alone. He is not sexually driven nor is he a party type person (he is an introvert). Was this a total cop out? I had a guy do it to me before and he was a lot more blunt. I vid chatted w him just before i cut contact and he was struggling not to cry. In our convi he used pet names and hoped i would find peace. Thoughts? Btw he hasnt deleted our pics off social media.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What made him think "you were berating him"? He doesn't get to dictate what you do now, after he dumps you.

 

You need to cease all communication and delete and block him from all messaging and social media. He sounds too immature for you. Good you are dating men your own age group locally.

-you are perfect, im broken (its me not you)

-i live you, but want to be single

-you deserve much better

-you should date other guys

-its not fair to me to drag it on

I told him nc for a week to see what happens and he agreed and dint want me berating him. he said he would prefer me not to kiss, hug flirt w other men, but he cant stop me

[Person1001]

Sorry to hear this. What made him think "you were berating him"? He doesn't get to dictate what you do now, after he dumps you.

 

You need to cease all communication and delete and block him from all messaging and social media. He sounds too immature for you. Good you are dating men your own age group locally.

 

I actually was pulling punches to hurt him, i know screwed up, but i was hurting. Inaccused him of not caring, it being easy for him etc.

[Wiseman2]

The scorned woman thing after a breakup may feel good for the few seconds you press "send" but then it really lowers you self-esteem and self-confidence for being so clingy and placing that much importance on someone who is indifferent to you. Block and delete him, it's over.

I actually was pulling punches to hurt him, i know screwed up, but i was hurting. Inaccused him of not caring, it being easy for him etc.

[Person1001]

The scorned woman thing after a breakup may feel good for the few seconds you press "send" but then it really lowers you self-esteem and self-confidence for being so clingy and placing that much importance on someone who is indifferent to you. Block and delete him, it's over.

 

I know, ive done it before. Do you think he is indifferent?

[Wiseman2]

It's been falling apart for a long long time. He's checked out and you hung on in denial. Next time learn the signs that it's not working and address it it in a timely manner.

 

Just end things and walk away with dignity, rather than the "you used me", "you hurt me" angry woman syndrome. Relationships are voluntary and you have the right to leave and so does anyone else. Lashing out won't help you learn anything for the next time like identifying red flags and deal breakers sooner.

Do you think he is indifferent?

[Birdie]

In your own thoughts and words, why do you think this a cop out? What exactly do you mean by that?

[Person1001]

In your own thoughts and words, why do you think this a cop out? What exactly do you mean by that?

 

An excuse, an easy way out. Lets just say a guy ditched in a very similar way.

[abitbroken]

I think he broke up with you for very honest reasons. You are graduated and in a professional job. He has not - he is trying to figure out who he is and needs the freedom to do that. He may feel "broken" in that here you are - a responsible, professional woman who has it together and he does not yet. You guys are just not up for the same type of relationship.

 

It would be a "cop out" if he said "its over. you know i don't like to date (people with your hair color). it never works out.

[Person1001]

I think he broke up with you for very honest reasons. You are graduated and in a professional job. He has not - he is trying to figure out who he is and needs the freedom to do that. He may feel "broken" in that here you are - a responsible, professional woman who has it together and he does not yet. You guys are just not up for the same type of relationship.

 

It would be a "cop out" if he said "its over. you know i don't like to date (people with your hair color). it never works out.

 

This may be crazy, but i would have been willing 2 work w it.

[boltnrun]

This may be crazy, but i would have been willing 2 work w it.

 

But both of you would have to be willing. And he apparently isn't.

 

This now gives you an opportunity to meet someone local whose communication is more compatible with yours.

[Birdie]

Whyyyyyy would you want to try to work it out?!? Your needs were NOT being met! Look back on all your posts about this guy. I get you feel strongly for him, but there were so many red flags/incompatibilities.

 

I think that's the real issue here! You were trying to force him to fit into a role that wasn't him, hence why he was unhappy and ended it. I just don't understand why you fight so hard for relationships that aren't making you happy either. Between his communication issues, feeling like his life wasn't sorted enough for you, the distance, etc.

 

Why are you so willing to sacrifice your needs, mental energy and happiness to stay in a relationship that isn't working out?

 

And what would the difference to you be between a cop out or just a relationship ending due to incompatibilities, growing apart, etc?

 

And no I don't think you're ready to date. I think you need to spend some time alone and really really get to know yourself. Your needs deserve to be met. You deserve to be with someone who treats you how you want without you having to try to force them to. Why do you not respect yourself enough to leave unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships?

 

A breakup just means it isn't working between the both of you, you can still both be amazing people and a relationship can not work.

[Person1001]

Whyyyyyy would you want to try to work it out?!? Your needs were NOT being met! Look back on all your posts about this guy. I get you feel strongly for him, but there were so many red flags/incompatibilities.

 

I think that's the real issue here! You were trying to force him to fit into a role that wasn't him, hence why he was unhappy and ended it. I just don't understand why you fight so hard for relationships that aren't making you happy either. Between his communication issues, feeling like his life wasn't sorted enough for you, the distance, etc.

 

Why are you so willing to sacrifice your needs, mental energy and happiness to stay in a relationship that isn't working out?

 

And what would the difference to you be between a cop out or just a relationship ending due to incompatibilities, growing apart, etc?

 

And no I don't think you're ready to date. I think you need to spend some time alone and really really get to know yourself. Your needs deserve to be met. You deserve to be with someone who treats you how you want without you having to try to force them to. Why do you not respect yourself enough to leave unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships?

 

A breakup just means it isn't working between the both of you, you can still both be amazing people and a relationship can not work.

 

I feel like he is different, may sound stupid I know. When I broke up w my 1st love, I was devastated, but I knew we were done. I missed him like crazy, but for some reason this feels different. I know a break up is not something either of us want, he had a very hard time letting go. He isnt a sexually driven person (my ex was, i am conservative when it comes to sex). My ex was pretty mean w other last arguments. Can a break up feel wrong w certain people?

[Birdie]

A break up is never going to feel nice, it's not fun. It's easy to look back and think of all the good times and what if; but that's not reality.

 

Go back and read your threads on here from your past breakups, I think you posted similar feelings then. Look at the reality of the situation.

 

And he does want a break up because he ended it with you. Harsh, but that's the truth.