Blindsided

[Sadandhurt1]

I can't believe I decided to do this but I've been going absolutely crazy the last couple of weeks I just had to post my story on here... it's pretty long, so beware...

 

So my ex and I were together for roughly about a year. We were, in my opinion, great together. He made me happy and I genuinely thought I made him happy too.

 

We were compatible and have very similar views and morals about life. But regardless, about 3 weeks ago, he decided to just end it.

 

I was absolutely blindsided, was not expecting this at all. He had been so loving and caring the past few months that this was something that not only came as a shock to me, but a shock to even his family, my family and even our friends.

 

Little background info. We're from the same town, have the same mutual friends but never actually hung out before, maybe was at the same place at the same time occasionally but never really spent time with each other. In 2012, we were both finishing up our undergrads when he decided to drunkenly DM me (we were already on each other's social media considering we had mutual friends). He was a frat boy while I was just trying to get over school. I had zero time for immaturity or even boys back then and literally waved him off.

 

Fast forward 3 years later, he managed to DM me again because he found out, from curiosity, that we were working just 5 min away from each other. This time around, it wasn't an immature drunk message and I was also a lot more accepting and we started a friendship that eventually grew into a full fledged committed relationship within a few months. And like I said earlier, it was all great.

 

We went on trips together, spent time with each other's families and friends, really got to know each other on a deep level.

 

About halfway through our relationship he had to deal with a pretty serious family issue and I was there for him for all of it. He was really struggling and I think I became a really huge support system for him. He, in a sense, became depressed. He wasn't content with his life, not very happy, and I knew it and was trying my hardest to help him.

 

Currently, I'm in grad school getting my doctorate (close to home), have been for about a year, since we started dating. He, too, always had the dream of eventually going back and getting his doctorate and I feel like with the family issue he went through plus me pushing him to follow through with his dreams, he eventually started to study again and is also now in the process of applying to schools.

 

Before me, he wanted to go to the other side of the country, but instead he decided to apply to schools closer to our hometown, but still relatively a few hours away so we can be near each other (roughly all of them are about 2-3 hours away)

 

Now I've been through the process, and its rough, I know. And I also know that he's really serious about this and I'm so very proud of him. However, all the stress was really starting to get to him too. And towards the end our time with each other was really starting to lack. We were always both so busy, him working on his applications with deadlines and interviews coming up + work, and me at school + work. There was obvious tension at times, we were both getting cranky but never to the point where we would have full blown arguments. In fact we spoke about our options and what we would do when he finally did leave for school. HE said he wanted to try and make it work, I agreed. Of course, I agreed, I love him and he loves me.

 

But then he ended it. Just like that. During the worst time too considering our anniversary was just right around the corner and we were planning on leaving for an anniversary trip.

 

I honestly don't know what clicked. We talked about it, talked about "trying." But one day he just decided to give up.

 

His excuse? I deserve better and long distance away from each other wouldn't be fair for both of us. But we wouldn't have been long distance until this fall?? Also, at that time (which was also right before his first interview) he wasn't even guaranteed to get in yet.

 

I'm just so confused and hurt and unable to fit things together. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he did, but it was just unfair. Then I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, and deep down I just know he was telling the truth. But everything is still so confusing to me.

 

Another thing, I want to mention. Just hours before he texted me saying we "needed to talk" (most horrible words btw). He had posted a long Instagram post that basically said how grateful he was for me and how happy he was with me. And I asked him about that too, and his response was "I don't know, I really don't know why I did that"

 

It just sucks.

 

Fortunately, he did get into the first school and that's about 3 hours away. I was actually really relieved, only because it made me feel like what he did was for a reason. And I actually congratulated him about it, said how absolutely proud I was of him because I knew how much he worked so hard for it. But regardless I'm still so hurt and sad and confused.

 

We've now been in NC for about a week. It's been hard for me, I feel like I lost my best friend.

 

I understand long distance relationships hardly ever work, I just wish he'd given us more time.

 

I thought he was it, and in a way I still feel like he may be. Just a gut instinct, like he may be my fate. I know I sound insane but it's something I can't shake off. I mean our romance basically started in 2012! Everyone says to just try to move forward and whatever happens, happens. Our breakup wasn't us yelling at each other and it was pretty clean honestly. Also, when I congratulated him I also did mention that I did sort of understood where his decision coming from. But still....love hurts.

[laylabug]

First, I am so sorry. That must have been so hard. I know when you dedicate so much time to someone, get to know them in their deepest levels, and open yourself up to them, it's hard to let that go.

 

You guys sounded like you had an amazing relationship, and that stress of that becoming any less made it end (for him.) From what I can tell, he is probably so preoccupied and stressed and confused, and he pushed away the wrong things. His loss.

 

However, I have heard so many stories where couples with such a great relationship break up, take a break, get their life in order, and realize how vital the other person was in their life, and get back together, stronger than before. My best advice, which probably sucks to hear, is give yourself time. Give yourself time to heal and reminisce and cry and be sad. Then, set a date where that ends and you began a new chapter of your life. Be happy, even though its nearly impossible with a loss like that. Focus on positive things in YOUR life, and work on achieving goals YOU have. Think about yourself during this time.

 

I am a firm believe in fate, and if its meant to be, its meant to me. It sounds like you had an amazing relationship, and it is very possible that you both, in new, less stressed and pressured stages in your lives, will find your way back to each other. This could just be a pause. Love in unconditional. If you want him back after giving yourself a break and time to rebuild, go get him!!

 

If things really are over, then it wasn't meant to be, although it may have felt like it. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally, and I truly hope it's him. But if it's not, take your time, grieve, and then move on. That's hard but the longer you hold on, the harder it is to separate yourself.

 

Best luck to you!!!

 

btw I live in NC too!!

[Sadandhurt1]

First, I am so sorry. That must have been so hard. I know when you dedicate so much time to someone, get to know them in their deepest levels, and open yourself up to them, it's hard to let that go.

 

You guys sounded like you had an amazing relationship, and that stress of that becoming any less made it end (for him.) From what I can tell, he is probably so preoccupied and stressed and confused, and he pushed away the wrong things. His loss.

 

However, I have heard so many stories where couples with such a great relationship break up, take a break, get their life in order, and realize how vital the other person was in their life, and get back together, stronger than before. My best advice, which probably sucks to hear, is give yourself time. Give yourself time to heal and reminisce and cry and be sad. Then, set a date where that ends and you began a new chapter of your life. Be happy, even though its nearly impossible with a loss like that. Focus on positive things in YOUR life, and work on achieving goals YOU have. Think about yourself during this time.

 

I am a firm believe in fate, and if its meant to be, its meant to me. It sounds like you had an amazing relationship, and it is very possible that you both, in new, less stressed and pressured stages in your lives, will find your way back to each other. This could just be a pause. Love in unconditional. If you want him back after giving yourself a break and time to rebuild, go get him!!

 

If things really are over, then it wasn't meant to be, although it may have felt like it. You will find someone who loves you unconditionally, and I truly hope it's him. But if it's not, take your time, grieve, and then move on. That's hard but the longer you hold on, the harder it is to separate yourself.

 

Best luck to you!!!

 

btw I live in NC too!!

 

Ugh thank you so much. It really was a great relationship. We traveled, enjoyed each other's company, became not just lovers but the best of friends. I also matured and learned how to put someone else before me. It's just so heartbreaking.

 

AND I'm trying to heal, trying to make myself better. He obviously wants the space so he can grow into a better individual and I absolutely respect that which is why right now I'm not trying to get him back. Plus, I know I need to do some growing up too. We're both young, 24 & 25.

 

I understand that people need to grow and sometimes it's essential and important to do all the growing alone. Essentially two people can not be in a truly and fulfilling relationship if one, or both people don't feel completely whole yet.

 

Right now I'm just watching him in the sidelines, silently praying for him and hoping all his hopes and dreams come true! He's a great man with a great heart and I for one got to experience it. And I'm one lucky girl!

 

I'm also aware that though I feel like one day we'll come back to each other, I can not wait for him. And he can't wait for me. That would just be terrible. That won't be growth. If it's fate, it's fate.

 

I just wish we had more time. Time is such a pain, for the first two times for us time wasn't on our side. In 2012, I didn't want anything to do with him, and now he's the one pushing me away! Just crazy.

 

Thank you though!

 

And PS. NC is no contact lol, I haven't spoken to him since I congratulated him on getting in the first school, I also decided, for my own mental health, to delete him off my FB for now because I was obsessing over it. Constantly on his page. He's still on my Instagram and I think personally that needs to go soon too lol. Just taking my time.

[BrokenGator]

Sadandhurt, you sound like an amazing person! One day someone will be super lucky to be with you!

[Sadandhurt1]

Update: I'm literally driving myself insane! It's been 3 weeks in and I'm still NOT over it, obviously.

 

Today is Valentine's Day which makes it worse! And to ruin my life even more I decided to temporarily disable Instagram because not only do me and my ex still follow each other but I was also feeling nauseous seeing all the couples be all cute on it. Anyways I was bored and after literally a few hours off I decided to reactivate it again. BAD MISTAKE, people you've tagged in photos before will get retagged and re-notified. Guess who I tagged in nearly half my photos?? Yup! Ex boyfriend! Lol

 

So im like half freaking out now because he probably just saw me have a mental breakdown right in front of his eyes, but since I was curious I creeped on his page AGAIN. And it turns out that while I was deactivated (literally 2 hours), he deleted some of our photos together that was on his page. Not all of them but just a few. So I'm guessing he was trying to creep on me and realized that I was just completely off it and possibly just decided like you know what I'll just delete her photos then. But he didn't delete all of them. I'm surprised, he left the very first photo he put of us on there. Which honestly meant a lot to me back then & he knows it. He also kept some other little things including a really sweet quote that reminded him of me.

 

What is wrong with us? Clearly we are both struggling but are refusing to talk to each other because of both our pride's. NC sucks. I almost wanna text him and be like, "listen we're starting to look like idiots on social media in front of our friends."

 

This was supposed to be a mature breakup but now both of us are looking like fools. Love is crazy and makes you do crazy things. I still love him and to be honest I think he still loves me. What do I do? Should I break NC and just try to talk it out? We've been NC for 2 weeks. Our feelings are still in this, I know it.

[downright]

You sound exactly where I was a few months ago. Trust me. Whatever you do, DON'T break no contact. It makes everything even more complicated than it is. (trust me I know, I drunked text my ex and I wished I hadn't.) It was tougher to go back to NC again, not to mention harder for me to move on with my life. You will get over the social media part, but whatever you do. DON'T BREAK NC. If he wants to find you, he knows where you are. There is no point in chasing someone who decided to give up, it is his choice to come back now.

[Sadandhurt1]

You sound exactly where I was a few months ago. Trust me. Whatever you do, DON'T break no contact. It makes everything even more complicated than it is. (trust me I know, I drunked text my ex and I wished I hadn't.) It was tougher to go back to NC again, not to mention harder for me to move on with my life. You will get over the social media part, but whatever you do. DON'T BREAK NC. If he wants to find you, he knows where you are. There is no point in chasing someone who decided to give up, it is his choice to come back now.

 

I know, I'm trying so hard. It's been about 2 weeks now of NC. And everyday it gets harder. Yesterday, I also found out that he was trying to text my best friend for a favor. He wanted to talk to her boyfriend about something but didn't have his number. Of course it was awkward for my best friend and even her boyfriend considering I introduced them all in the first place.

 

It's so difficult, we have mutual friends, plus the fact that he lives and works so close to me. I can't wait until he leaves for school in August, it would just make things more easier for me. I don't have to sit here and wonder all day.

[Sadandhurt1]

Update again: Valentine's Day was really hard for me. Probably the lowest I've gotten since the breakup. Too many happy couples, I was sick to my stomach. That was supposed to be us, happy and in love and celebrating a cheesy Hallmark holiday. Instead I went out and got drunk that night with my best friend who sacrificed her own Valentine's Day with her bf to be with me.

 

I ended up breaking NC out of desperation. I ended up texting him (when I was still sober btw). And I know, such a bad move on my part. Explained to him how crazy I was starting to feel because he was literally the only thing on my mind that day. That I know he won't be coming back and that everything still hurts so bad.

 

He didn't respond. Understandably so.

 

I regretted it as soon as I pressed send. Had no idea what got into me. It was a good thing he didn't respond, it would just give me the ok to keep the conversation flowing. He knows he hurt me bad, I didn't have to go and keep rubbing it in his face. I just never felt so alone or down before.

 

Since then, I've been thinking more and more about the situation. It really is impossible. I looked to see how long his doctorate program would be: 5 years, minimum of 5 YEARS. I remember us talking about the length of it but having it blaring brightly on my computer screen basically mocking me, I just know it won't work.

 

In 5 years I will be 29 he will be 30. My career will most likely be at it's absolute peak by then considering I would probably be done with grad school while he would just be finishing up. We would grow so much and a lot of that would be growing apart, we would become strangers. And I know he would hate that. I would hate it too, it really would just be unfair for both of us. Imagine being in love with a stranger? Would we even still be in love? There would be so much resentment and anger towards each other, it would just be terrible.

 

I still hate, HATE, his timing but he did it with the best intentions. Rip the bandaid off quickly now before having to slowly and painfully take it off then.

 

I'm still so very heart broken. I'm restarting NC all over again and it hurts so much. I can't believe it. I can't wait to stop feeling this way and to have my life continue on. I really do wish him the best, I just wish I could get rid of this feeling, plus the feeling that I've technically been abandoned and left all alone. It's absolutely terrible. I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

[Sadandhurt1]

UPDATE

 

Ok, so it's been exactly a month since my ex broke up with me. And I'm still very much heart broken. I still wake up feeling as if there's something missing and I still get very upset about it but that's all expected. I love him, of course I would feel this way. However, my mind is clearer, I feel like I have more rational thinking.

 

Honestly, what he did was probably the best for us. He was unhappy, and I was becoming codependent to the point that I wasn't really that happy either. I was relying on him to make me happy and not myself.

 

I thought about it and if he were to ask me back soon, honestly, I would say no. Why? Because it's only been a short time and neither of us have really grown. I still miss him terribly to the point I still have moments where I start to sob and I still mope around, not a lot of growth there on my part lol. And well, I know he hasn't grown much either. He wants to finish school and focus on his career? Then he should!

 

There was no right time for when he would end it, but it was better it ended the way it did rather than us having it drag to when he is away and we'd end up just fighting and resenting each other. And same goes if we were to go back now. We'd be back for what? 6 months before he leaves? Then it's back to the beginning?

 

I thank him, actually. Because if anything he actually saved our relationship. It wasn't easy but it was definitely for the best. I had my moments, trust me. But now, a month later, I understand why he did it.

 

It's gonna be rough, the next couple of months, maybe even until the next year. I'm gonna have ups and downs. Times when I'll get upset and start thinking irrationally again. I'm expecting it.

 

Him and I won't be together soon. I know that for sure. Not in the next few months, not even in the next year. In the next 5 years? When we're both done with everything we said we'd both do, who knows? When we're ready, as in really ready...then there's a chance. We're not ready yet. I'm not ready yet.

 

I still think he's it and im always gonna have a little hope that we do end up together and that we are each other's fate, but this is a little road block for us. We have to wait a little longer if we want to try again. And you know what, if it doesn't work out, then I think I'll still be ok. Him and I had a beautiful relationship that I'll always remember. I'll never forget him and the way he made me feel. I'm truly grateful for him.

 

It's been a week now of no contact. The last time I texted him was Valentine's Day, when I was vulnerable and in a lot of pain. He did not respond, which was a good thing. I know he isn't intentionally trying to hurt me, he just wants to help me heal. Time heals everyone, and I'm slowly healing!