Problems with ex, want her back, don't know what todo

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Hi all I am new to this site, I have been reading from it in the last couple of days and really like the advice.

 

Well my story is quite long, I'll try to keep it short.

 

I had been together with my ex for 3 years and we were engaged. We lived together for 2 years, with my parents and hers. She said she wanted a "break" just after our 3 year aniversay (last june) because she said I was boring and I didn't mame her happy anymore (well she didn't say that right away, it took along time to find that out). I didn't want to go out with her, and I wanted her to stay in with me all the time. I made her feel guilty for leaving me alone. I know this is horrible, but I didn't realise it at the time.

 

She was seeing a guy she worked with a couple months before we parted ways. She officially broke it off with me in october of last year. Since then her and "the new guy" have been going pretty steady.

 

I have caught her in alot of lies over the past 10 months. She keeps telling me she's not lying but I keep finding stuff out anyways.

 

We had a special bond, we were each other's "first's" and we both find this really special. She hasn't slept with the new guy yet becausee of this. She calls me pretty well every night, and still says she loves me before she lets me go.

 

My problem is this... I hear everyone say that I should just cut off all contact with her, but I don't know if this is a good idea since she still (sorta) has feelings for me. She says she loves this new guy also. My close friend says I should remain her friend as things WON'T work out with this new guy and I will be the one there for her. She says I am her best friend and she loves me, she just can't "fogive" me yet.

 

It been 10 months of pure torture for me. I don't know what todo. NC and not planning anything with her would be just like I was, and I want to prove to her that I have changed, but she always breaks plans with me.

 

I'm not sure what todo. We still have insurance together and her parents have my tv, and I have some of her possesstions. After an innicent over the past 2 days, I want to just yell at her and get on with my life. One thing I want to know is, telling her to f*** off and get outta my life a bad idea if I want her to come back eventually (she says she will when she is ready)???? Because I am really fed up with her BS. She is treating me like crap, but I don't wanna mess things up more than they already are, cuz she does talk to me everyday.

 

Confused, don't know what todo. Blow up, or just tell her I need my space (to get over her)?

 

Any help would be GREATLY appreciate, since there is alot of people on here that have been through the same sorta thing.

 

Thanks All

[lady00]

I hate to say it...but you need to let her go. She's playing games...she's having her cake and eating it too...seeing one guy and then calling another guy every day and telling him she loves him...this just seems like a bad situation for everyone involved.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Yes it is a bad situation. I want to tell her off tonight, but I sorta think its a bad idea. If i tell her off then she will probably NEVER EVER even think about coming back. So should I jsut tell her I need my space?

[lady00]

Don't bother telling her off...it will just cause an unnecessary argument and it will be a waste of energy. Just let her know you want space.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Thank for the advice, I doubt she will even talk to me tonight.

[Chelseybug]

wow that sounds very familliar. my friend had that almost exact situation happen to him. whats ur name(just ur first one). but neway, he moved on, but they stayed friends. it'll be a while before u can talk to her just like a friend and not want more or miss things. but someone else will come along and give u reason to totally let go. just be open with her, try to talk. sorry if that wasn't very good, im kinda tired. good luck!!!

 

-chels

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

My first name is Matt. I've tried talking to her, but nothing works. She knows how I feel about her. I didn't have much of a talk with her the other night like I was going to. I couldn't go through with it, I'm such a wuss. We started talking about things, and she was like, this is exactly why I don't like talking to you. Why does everything have to be serious. Why can't we just talk about nice things for once (she over dramatic, its not like that). She even brought up that things had been going well, she had even put on my ring (we were engaged) a couple times this past month. And thought about calling me up to come get her. I dont know if I believe her, its almost as though its her way of controlling me.

 

I asked her where we stand, and she said I am her best friend. I was kinda quite after that, and she said, well I can't say your my sorta bf.

 

I just confused. I wish this other guy would screw up already so she could see how wonderfull I really was and want me back. Then play hard to get, so she realizes how much she has messed up! I'll never take her back arms wide open, and never give my whole self to her, or anyone to that matter. Might seem selfish, but I'm never going through this again.

[coolcol]

This moment in time must seem like hell on earth for you right know matt!

 

To be honest when someonefinds a relationship boring they tend to move on and never go back to it, but sometimes they also realise what a great guy you were and that the grass is not always greener on the otherside.

 

For your own sanity if she continues seeing other guys then you need to think about moving on yourself (hard as hell and not what you want to hear i know!)......by clinging to her you are only prolonging your pain and stress( it will make you ill after a while.......not good).

 

If you are hell bent on somehow trying to win her heart back then you will have to do it from a totally different angle.

 

This girl might have feelings for you and then again she might be kinda confussed right now with what she wants, my advice is to try and be her friend without asking her questions that put her on the spot like 'why did you do this'' or ''why dont you love me'' etc.....The more you run after her and pressure her with such questions the more she will keep her distance emotionally from you and may cut you off completely, you really do need to try and be strong.....go out with yer mates, get some new clothes, look and sound in control, look and sound confident and NEVER sound like your apologetic or like a broken hearted guy that you are ( she will know how you feel anyway).

Try to have a laugh with her on the phone...talk about a happy memory with her and tell her she still looks beautiful etc etc and ask her if she ever fancies a coffee/drink for a calm chat then go for it.

 

All the time you must try to impress her not pressure her, show her that you were hurt and she meant the world to you but you realise her feelings have changed and would still like to stay her friend and even take her for a drink...........you will never stop her seeing anyone else by telling her she shouldnt, but in time if you show her you have changed...are a fun guy again and can still treat her right and impress her with gifts and romantic nights out etc (in time!)....she may FALL back in love with you again and stop seeing anyone else out of her own free will................ITS ALONG SHOT but its your call.....it wont be easy and you may end up being more hurt, only you can decide if she's worth the effort, time and money along with the pain, rejections etc.........

 

Like i said it might be time to move on yourself..............play it cool with or without her........re-invent yourself, be stroger, wiser......one day you will be happy again....hope whatever you do you find happiness Matt........

 

Try and be there as a friend to compliment her on anything......make her laugh, above all try to show her that you are still a man...a man worth being around.....you have to get her to fall in love with you all over again..........a dam hard thing to do.......like i said it might be better to move on yourself mate.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Thanks for the advice. This last 9 months have been hell on me. I think things are getting better for me, I'm gonna try to stay in touch but move on with my life at the same time. Thats what she did. She slowly moved me out of her life. She still says she loves me (I don't say it unless she says it first).

 

I found out a coulpe days ago that her parents are really against her seeing me because she is dating this new guy. She says its a fight everytime she wants to see me. That really makes me mad because her parents had nothing to say when she was engaged to me and seeing this other guy! I don't know how I can show her I have changed unless she will make time for me. I know I have a chance to get her back, I just don't know how! I know her calling me all the time must mean something. I told her a couple weeks ago, that I might need sometime to myself here soon. She said it scares the sh*t out of her, she doesn't want me to get completely over her.

 

She seems to call me more during this "one week" a month. Maybee some of you ladies out there can explain if this means anything, or is bad.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last comment. I have a friend that says its probably because her new bf is disgusted by it, and I never was. Or is it an emotional thing? Her emotions are all messed up.

 

I'm just curious here, didn't mean to offend anyone if I did, sorry all.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

Anyone think NC will help in my situation?

 

A couple of weeks ago we talked and she asked why I don't call her anymore. I told her how i felt (she never answers, when she does she asks if she can call me back... etc). She assured me to call her more. I still didn't feel like I should. So anyways, she stopped calling me, and stopped IM'n me. We did NC for a week. She ended up sending me a FW'd email from one of her friends, at which time I broke the contact and message'd her. She said she was upset one of the last days we talked, and I should have known, and her best friend (me) should have called to check up on her. Anyways, I really feel like if I did NC then she would never talk to me again. She is a stuborn person, and that really bothers me. I want to try it but I don't know if its been to long. We've went on "break" last just, officially broke up in Oct.

 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!