Do I mention my spouse too frequently for Comfort?

[Maritime22]

This is my first thread/question. And this question alone is the reason I began such a membership - I scoured the internet (meaning I typed this question into Google 5 various times each time advancing 3 pages with no luck to the answer/topic.)

 

Very often I am finding people that I just meet or acquaintance for some time, whether it be at my college or work who blatantly state "You mention your husband too much". And that statement is the nicest way majority has disclosed the statement.

 

At first I never thought this could be an issue for an eloquent communicator that I am. When you first meet someone you introduce yourself, you inform why your are there if it's not obvious, you make small talk, make eye contact, smile and ask questions to display some humanity in this god darn age of "communication"...and this continues for the most of the circumference of your new found relationship of a stranger. But since my engagement and now marriage I have seem to have lost my sensibilities or proper place in conversations because after a day or several weeks an acquaintance will inform me that I sure like to mention my husband a lot or that it's annoying my affections for this man.

 

Now I certainly do not, especially with acquaintances, talk about any taboos like our romp and rump in our bed or naughty place anywhere else or reveal any notion in negative aspects or fights. Never talk in great lengths past 2 minutes because who has time for that. Honestly, what I have started to notice is I might see a beer truck driver as we are talking and wave to them, they ask me why I waved in which I will explain my husband has worked with many local companies purchasing and transporting beers and they are honest and good working people with tough jobs in our area delivering. Other circumstances may be a casual conversation about my weekend or day off and I will inform that my husband and I did this...or tried this new place or movie...blah blah..in which they reveal their annoyance in this theme of him. Disclaimer: The only 'people' to mention this have been men.

 

Now despite being 23...we are not newlyweds in fact we have been together for 5 years and are deeply committed and just take day by day pioneering the worlds we have transitioned in becoming a part of. That being said I am in love with the man but I don't worship him and advertise the great man he is like a billboard or radio ad. I could go on and on but being the pragmatic and often unaffectionate young woman I am I don't see a reason to express this to ya'll (or anyone for that matter) in light of my true quest for an answer.

 

THE QUESTION: Is there a point that you should not mention your husband or spouse in today's trending society? Are there areas in your life that you just shouldn't cross in casual conversations and your life partner, that in the past have been the standard status quo of professional or casual standards?

 

Or

 

More concerning to me, are these (mostly men due to my male dominated industry of career and college studies) contorting my casual mentions of my spouse as interfering with other personal agendas in the imagination of a lonely or seeking man?

 

Now that latter option makes me feel quite narcissistic but ya'll should know I have a history of men my age attempt an affair or strives in undermining the status I have with my spouse even before we were engaged in which I had to burn the bridge in respect to myself and cherished relationship. But this issues seems to be a pattern for the last two years and I am deeply concerned I might be very annoying or troubling for people and my every day life involves many people professionally and personally. However, I still find it rather difficult that these men would really express blunt concern about this - - -especially when I ask and they just say "It's just too much about him and not enough about you for me".

 

But I'd like personal anecdotes or feedback for my own analysis. Thanks!

[Batya33]

I wouldn't overanalyze this as anything to do with gender or "society" or "trends". Think of it this way - mentioning any person too much gets boring especially if you work that person into every anecdote or situation. If you wave at someone and the person asks if you know the person simply leave it as "yes, we're acquainted - I didn't just wave at a stranger". If someone from work asks what you did on the weekend keep it to "I" and in general keep it brief before saying "and how was your weekend?". It also might be that in general you talk too much about yourself and get too chatty at work.

 

You also seem to make a lot of negative assumptions about the workplace, today's world etc so is it possible you're over compensating by being too chatty/oversharing? I can relate to the general issue of "theme" because I have a young child and know the risk of talking about him too much and after 7 years out of the workplace (full time mom) I have been back for 3 months and it's fine but it's also new territory as to how to interact with brand new colleagues, etc- been many years since I had to do that. For me the best approach is - do not overshare especially if you tend to do that in new territory/if you're nervous, and talk about your activities/hobbies that only have to do with you but not in a too personal way. Like "I went for a run Sunday morning - it was cold but there sure were a lot of runners out there!" (if you are asked what you did over the weekend) or similar. Good luck!

[Maritime22]

Thank you for this response!

 

Honestly, I was leaning towards this notion but I'm not sure what may have changed about my conversational skills. I will have to pinpoint this factor.

 

I do tend to over-analyze as this is my major studies and natural manner of handling outliers of data or experiences...and this has become a significant outlier for the books!

[Batya33]

I wouldn't think over analyzing is effective for any kind of studies either. Here's what I would focus on - why do you mention your husband so much in conversation? Why do you care if people know you are married or care whether they know who he is friendly with (beer example you gave). When you describe an activity you did on the weekend is your focus to let the person know that you went with your husband, or what the activity was? Are the people asking single? Sometimes it's essential to mention who you were with -if I was at a playground it's best I say "I took my son to the playground". When I was your age I probably defined my status in life too much in terms of my relationship - "my boyfriend" etc.

[Maritime22]

Again, I think I can best answer this question by elaborating on my past and current situations. I have mostly guy friends (that after years have been healthy). I have all my life thanks to my father. Being a military brat and being daddy's little girl I grew up enjoying fishing and camping, shooting (totally roughing it no bed or fancy provisions). As polite as I am I have a tendency to be a little raw in my most personal true self in humor or sensibilities. The girl friends that I have had often take breaks or don't favor me for their time from me because they say I act too much like a man because I tend to despise most of the things they enjoy to do even though I love them inside out and truly try.

 

I am not trying to categorize men or women by no means...but as a little bit of an anthropologist I tend to study trends correlating to attributes and early on discovered I deviate from popular culture.

 

So naturally, I have often get along with men more. And have had in my early days of college an almost affair like relationship because the marine acquaintance of mine became obsessed with talking me to not as friends but to satisfy his emotional needs he was not supporting in his own at home. My husband jokes about this now but early on it was difficult for me to enjoy the hobbies and things I do without men around and flocking to the one woman in the league or area especially when he is not a big outdoorsman or working in a male dominated law firm.

 

So very early in our engagement to better support his frustration with these random or lonely men I created a self-defense mechanism to hinder ANY words or ques/innuendo when conversing. And I mention him to remind others in my small town that I am spoken for. I'm actually not much of a talker (personal wise) unless it's a political question or historical reference. I never dated seriously growing up because I found it irrelevant to my early focus in education and development so it didn't bother me the advances of men or even women. But now being married to the one man I've ever truly cared for and been attracted to I wish to foster our love and prevent the past external events hindering his confidence and sensibility as a man to a very independent woman.

[Maritime22]

So I don't mention my husband to just state he was there I try to do both. I know I have failed to incorporate him in my life and felt that by casually stringing him into whatever I did or enjoy they get the idea. But even at my last position in a law firm this was not easy and ultimately I had to leave a great pay and position because the men could not respect my status and had I stayed would have cause a huge HR issue that I really don't want to be in.

[Batya33]

Do you wear a wedding ring? If so, then no need to mention him as a way to prevent unwanted attention. If a man asks you out or flirts then mention the marriage and after, keep your distance. My sense is that the men you are friends with sense that you mention him because you're assuming they're going to act on some attraction they feel.

 

I've worked in many male dominated companies and I'm not sure what you mean by "respect my status" - specifically, at a job your job is to show up on time, work hard, and interact in a professional way. If you feel you are being harassed I'd try self-help first before going to a supervisor or HR. If you are not being harassed then tell yourself it is work, your thank you is your paycheck and decide whether the job is something you like or will help you advance. Try to inject a bit more humility into your analysis -be even more honest with yourself because while it's fine to resign, if you have too many jobs on your resume it's not going to look good when you want another job. Don't blame your family/upbringing -if people are not comfortable around you -whether men or women - think about what you can do to make people more comfortable as opposed to chalking it up to "popular culture" or some other generalization. Leave the anthropology to anthropologists and get specific and honest with yourself.

[TomBomb]

Yo to be real n all

I dont think most woman ever go thru what you do

Like to me no disrespect you sound like a really bright nd thoughtful different maybe even breathtakinly beautiful with all these guys just mad hittin up on you all the time...i know you are probably more honest and real than most ppl like always questining y you are the way you are and others so i dont think thats the problem you are doing all you can personaly

For real you will face this al your like a grl i mean woman like you and it wont just stop my advise is let them be mad and say you mention your husband to much they are obviosly intimidated and bcuz you are tru and only love one guy they are mad ive seen men with an attractive woman they think jus one way and they wont stop just do you

[Unreasonable]

Honestly, people are generally not interested in family talk unless it's gossip. And that extends to kids too.

[Wiseman2]

They may just be annoyed when someone can't speak or think for themselves and frequent states things such as "hubby was saying..", "my hubby and I...", 'the other day hubby told me...", etc.

 

That is actually not eloquent it's just poor grammar and content.

 

If you are getting this feedback frequently, perhaps check your conversation for annoying 'hubby thinks' 'hubby said' 'hubby this hubby that'.

 

Learn to speak for yourself with proper grammar and sentence structure and content. Learn to speak in the first person..I me my etc. rather than third person...he his him etc.

 

Have a life and thoughts and ideas and opinions of your own and discuss those, not what your hubby thinks or says etc.

"You mention your husband too much". I never thought this could be an issue for an eloquent communicator that I am.Now despite being 23...we are not newlyweds

[Batya33]

Honestly, people are generally not interested in family talk unless it's gossip. And that extends to kids too.

 

I'm an exception including with co-workers and acquaintances. Love hearing peoples' anecdotes/stories. But not when it's just to point out marital status or brag of course.

[ParisPaulette]

The only 'people' to mention this have been men

 

If it's only men who are complaining about this, then that's a bit of a red flag to me. I mean, the whole guy driving by in the truck, yeah that's too much. You pull that out when the guy is hitting on you and you want to give a really unsubtle "Back the heck off of me, will ya" hint. And that's probably why they're saying that, because then they feel uncomfortable since it is the kind of thing someone does when they want someone else to take a very loud hint. "I'm not available, not interested, go away or dial it down."

 

Conversation about you and your husband and what you did that weekend, AND the guy getting upset? Look them in the eye and then say, "And what did you and your wife or girlfriend do this weekend?" Then end things and walk away, because that's out of line for them to get upset about you detailing what you did with your spouse, who hello you are supposed to go do things with.

 

IF however you are doing a whole "Hubby says this, hubby likes that, that reminds me of something hubby says" AND you aren't letting someone else get two words in, that is indeed be a problem. But is that what you're doing all the time or not? OR are you doing it just with men as a nervous habit when you perceive or worry their interest may be more than platonic.

 

I ask these questions, because I find it odd you say only the men complain. Is it just a couple of guys at work that are doing this, and if it's such a huge problem then why don't the women complain about it. Sounds to me like a couple of fellas maybe have sour grapes or don't like the reminders you aren't on the market?

[Batya33]

I think it's coincidence since she writes that she works in a male dominated industry.

[kamurj]

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