No Contact

[rosecolored108]

So, here is my story. Looking for some advice from someone who maybe has gone through a similar experience or maybe just some good advice in general!

 

My ex and I dated for 8 years. We have been broken up now for about a year and a 1/2. We have been in contact, weekly, since the break-up. Last week, I told him I could no longer in contact with him as it had become hard for me having him in my life, but not actually "having" him.

 

The truth is I still have strong feelings for him and have wanted to reconcile. We are very different people, but I feel a strong connection with him, that I have not really felt with others that I have dated.

 

We broke up, due to a variety of factors. We have spoken a lot about why we broke up; essentially, the last year of our relationship, I began to travel a lot with my job. I am very career-focused, so most of my time was spent working or with my family.

 

I started to become unhappy at work because the work was becoming overwhelming, and I did not get along with my boss. Additionally, I lost my grandfather, who basically raised me, and I became very depressed and insular.

 

I started to really withdraw, and my ex and I spent a lot of time on our own. We did live together. My ex began feeling neglected, and when he tried to approach me about feeling unhappy (he did a few times), I told him we could discuss it at a later time, and I would basically blow him off, because I was feeling so overwhelmed and depressed.

 

Eventually, we really stopped relying on each. I was so distracted; I did not realize how bad it had gotten. We started to argue a lot, because, for some reason, I wanted him to take me out of my sadness and anxiety. When he could not do that, I began to resent him and called him a bad boyfriend.

 

Eventually he ended it and told me he needed space because he just wasn't happy. He wanted to live apart. I took it really hard, because, even though things weren't great between us, he was still a "constant" in my life.

 

I made the usual mistakes, begging, pleading, crying all of the time, calling multiple times a day. All it did was push him further away. He told me that, though he loved me, he could see I was having real emotional and mental issues that I needed to deal with on my own.

 

He started dating other girls only weeks after we broke up, which only made me angrier and unhappy. He started seeing one specific girl within months. Still, he was calling me every so often, and we would still hang out every other week or so. Last July, he became official with the other girl.

 

We had still been communicating, but things continued to be rough between us as my ex really had his guard up towards me because of how crazily I acted post break-up. When he started dating the new girl, I went into no contact for about three weeks, though my ex called three times during this time, and I answered.

 

Eventually he asked to hang out this past September, and we slept together. He freaked out afterwards, calling it a mistake, and he told me we could not be in contact. He did tell his girlfriend about it; she was angry I guess, but did not leave him. I felt bad about it happening, but I know I let it happen because I still love him.

 

Within weeks, he was talking to me again, just "as friends."

 

We would only really talk about common interests and his work and my schooling. Things went well for a few months. We talked about once a week, on friendly terms. I could feel the attraction was building and it felt like he was getting comfortable around me.

 

I helped him out with a court case he had with his landlord and made sure to be supportive as he was struggling with some financial issues. I made serious attempts to show him that I knew I wasn't there for him towards the end of the relationship.

 

I knew he felt neglected and not validated, so I began doing that for him. He started feeling comfortable around me, it seemed. About two weeks ago, he came over to my place as I had to write him a check for the security deposit on our old place.

 

We talked for about 20 minutes and he kissed me. I thought I had been okay with us just being on friendly terms for the past few months, but the kiss made the emotions come flooding back.

 

We talked once or twice since then but I didn't bring up the kiss. Last week though, I told him I really could not continue talking as "friends" because deep down, I wanted something more, and, even though I did not realize it, the contact was hurting me and was not allowing me to move on; we talked about the break-up and what happened.

 

We both agreed things might have been different if I had not acted so erratically and had actually given him the space he had asked for (though, to be fair, he contacted me as well...). He told me he had thought about getting back together, but things got so bad between us that he figured it was too far gone.

 

He told me his girlfriend had been there for him after our break-up, and she was the only real person he had (he is not especially close to his family and has only a few friends). He told me that just because I wanted him back now, he should not have to "drop everything" as I made his life "hell" for so long.

 

This caused an argument between us. He hung up on me, and I called back like 5 times to yell at him. He called my Dad that day and told my Dad that he thought I needed real help because I seem emotionally unstable and he is worried (I am in law school and made mention that I think I bombed a final because of the fight my ex and I had).

 

I talked to my Dad, who agreed I should see a therapist. I talked to my ex later that day, and we agreed no contact would be best at this time, as the contact has obviously affected me. He told me he is dating someone, and I should move on. He told me "in the future...who knows," but that I need to "get right" with myself before I can be in a relationship.

 

I know that he is right, though it is not what I wanted to hear.

 

I am a week through no contact, and honestly, we have never gone this long without talking. It is very difficult, but I have been stuck in a terrible pattern this past year and a half. I can't keep in contact while my feelings and emotions are running strong.

 

I have had a few dates with a new guy too, that I am starting to like.

 

Sorry for the long post (you guys are probably used to it!), but I wanted to get some advice on what is best to do during no contact.

 

I picked up a new hobby (I am getting scuba certified) and am starting to see a therapist to talk out my problems). What else do you guys suggest is good to do during no contact?

 

Also, do you think I should bother trying to contact my ex again or do you think it is over for good? I love him with all of my heart, but I think I have convinced him it will never work and now he has someone new...which kind of depresses me...especially around the holidays, since that was always a good time for us when we would spend time with each other's families.

 

Now, he will be spending that time with her.

 

Anyway, I think I really need to improve my mindset and "get right." I am glad I found this site...hopefully it will help me endure the pain and come out on the other side.

 

Do you think I did the right thing by telling him we should not be in contact anymore? It seemed like he was angry that I told him I didn't want to talk to him...but it just didn't seem healthy to be in continual contact with someone who isn't returning my feelings.

 

Any advice is welcome! Cheers!

[Wiseman2]

Agree with you that no contact would be best. It's been 1.5 years since the breakup and you could have found and fallen in love with someone more interested and suitable by now.

 

Staying in touch with an ex who "needs space, isn't happy, can't live together" that long is just keeping the wounds open and preventing your healing and moving on.

My ex and I dated for 8 years. We have been broken up now for about a year and a 1/2. We have been in contact, weekly, since the break-up. Last week, I told him I could no longer in contact with him. he ended it and told me he needed space because he just wasn't happy. He wanted to live apart.

[rosecolored108]

Thanks for the input. I do think if I had gone no contact sooner, things would have been a lot better for me. I just kept holding out for him. I felt like if I went no contact, he would just move on completely and forget about me.

 

I guess if he really wanted to be with me, he could have made that happen. And if I am that easy to forget, it would not have lasted between us anyway, most likely.

 

Do you suggest that I just go no contact forever? If he contacts, do I ignore? Should I eventually try to reach back out...if I eventually come to the conclusion that I still want him... or just forget it and move on completely?

[Wiseman2]

Why not move on? Hanging out has only hurt you and stopped your chances of finding love. Why settle for unrequited love? He left you, he moved out, he moved on.

I guess if he really wanted to be with me, he could have made that happen.

[rosecolored108]

Yep. I guess I held on for so long because he would contact me and tell me that he "missed me" and it made it feel like I should not give up, since I love him, and there is still a chance.

 

However, you are right; he left for a reason and has someone new. Despite all of the problems I caused, if he wanted to be with me, he could have been and could have worked things out.

 

I am getting back into dating, and though it is hard, I am optimistic