Daughter is bi-curious?

[Evelyn99]

I've got a 19 yr old (almost 20) daughter who has been dating guys all through high school and is now a sophmore in college. She's in a pretty serious relationship with this guy that I really like. I just went up to visit her, and I asked how her best friend and her boyfriend were doing. My daughter kind of hemmed and hawed and then said that the two of them (her friend and bf) were in an 'open relationship' because her friend was seeing someone else. And then she told me that that someone else was her.

 

This surprised me quite a bit because I've never really seen any indication that my daughter would be attracted to another girl. She admitted that she was kind of confused by the entire thing, too - that it'd just started, that it 'probably won't go anywhere' but 'maybe it would' and that this friend was the only girl she's ever even thought of like this. I asked her about her bf, and she said that they were 'very much together' still, and that he actually encouraged her to find out how she felt, that he wasn't threatened, and that he'd be around for her no matter what. (as I said, he's a /great/ guy and really loves her.)

 

So. I guess I'm just trying to figure this all out. I was pretty surprised by my own reaction - my biggest concern for her is the stupid-ass gay-bashers out there, and that she be careful because of them. I asked her to please limit PDA's with her girlfriend, just because of that. I think she's kind of naive about it - in her group of friends it seems to be no big deal at all, but that's not true at all in the wide world. I would really prefer she settles on a guy just because the life is so much easier - if she feels there's an option - and because she's still 'very much' with her bf, it seems as though there is.

 

I guess this is my question. I know in my life, I've become very close to some girlfriends, to the point of feeling as though I've had a crush on them. I've never become sexual at all with them, though. Because bisexuality is /so/ accepted in her group of friends, might it be that she's confusing a very deep friendship/love for something that has to move to the physical? Is there a confusion there of how to handle an intense same-sex relationship? Or can someone really go to age nearly 20 with absolutely /no/ indication of attraction to the opposite sex and then... bang. There it is? She's kind of confused, I think, because she says she's never felt attraction to another girl before.

[HelpmePLz]

I think you should let her she is still young and it is hard at that age and i have not got there

[Evelyn99]

It's not at all a question of 'letting her.' It's her sexuality. Me getting in the middle of it trying to allow or disallow would only make it more complex and complicated, and would not be very good for our relationship, either.

 

I guess I'm asking more if anyone here has experienced something similar, and what they found out. Does it seem likely she's really bi, or just confused about intense relationships?

[HelpmePLz]

but if you let she will learn and i wont loose a girl

[Nobetterwords]

I am a lesbian, but only figured myself out as of about a year ago, before that, I identified as bisexual for about 4 years, before that I identified as straight, but I was always gay.

 

I dated guys all through highschool and thought that I really liked guys....until I met a girl and my feelings were completely different. It turns out that I loved companionship, and was only attracted to guys because I was always told I should be. When it came right down to it and I actually listened to myself, I realized that I had no desire to ever be with a man again. nothing against men, there's just nothing there.

 

being with a woman was so much more intense and real for me, and just felt natural, unlike the forced feeling I had when I was trying to be intimate with guys.

 

Your daughter may just be experimenting, or she may really be bisexual, or even gay (and don't worry about gay bashers, it's not as horrible for girls as it is for guys, depending on where you live) but all you can do is support her and trust that she'll make the right choices for herself, and be true to who she is.

 

However, I can tell you for certain, there are no unnatural feelings due to intense relationships, there are only feelings we act on, and feelngs we don't.

[HelpmePLz]

You are a a cool person you aren't scary about it

[femmegrl31709]

Your daughter may be bi. I think everyone is some just don't act on it. We are at a different age and time to where people are more open to trying new things that feel good. And from experiance the touch of a woman is so different and gentle than that of a man. Good luck

[Evelyn99]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

I still will worry about the gay-bashers. I've got a fair amount of gay/lesbian friends and I've heard too many stories. I had a boss that was severely beaten and put in the hospital just for walking down the street holding his bf's hand. So... I remain concerned on that front.

 

The last poster was particularly helpful. I think you're probably right that there's just more freedom now to act on feelings that wouldn't have been acted on before. If I'm honest with myself, there have been women I've been attracted to, but because of the time I grew up and the fact that I married fairly young, it's never happened with me.

 

I will just have to trust her to make her own decisions on this front. I have to say honestly, that I hope she decides ultimately to commit to a man if she decides to commit herself to a relationship, but it's her decision.

 

Parenting is tough.

[femmegrl31709]

I would like to say that I have been openly gay for 13 years and being a "girly girl" I haven't had the problem with gay bashers....I have more of a problem of the can I watch thing.....I am sure that you would like her to end up with a man but think of what kind of men she may have been with in the past. who knows she could have ended up with a wife basher. good luck and just support her maybe she will make the right decision

[Cadence308]

Yes, a person can go from dating men exclusively to having a romantic attraction to another woman. You should do some reading on the internet about the Kinsey scale. I post this in almost all of my responses. For me, reading about sexual attraction online helped me to understand my own relationships with women and to understand sexuality. Sexuality occurs on a scale with 1 being completely straight and 6 being completely gay. The gray areas are all in between (2-5), so you can see everyone is on a different level when it comes to these things.

 

Have you ever heard the saying, "Who would you go gay for?" This indicates that most people at one point in life will have a same-sex attraction. It depends on how you identify yourself whether you will view your friendship with a close woman friend, for example, as just a close friendship or a romanic and sexual attraction. So I could see how you may think that your daughter is confusing friendship with romantic attraction, but it's really about her desires and how she defines herself sexually. She is confused because she is finally accepting that maybe she has sexual feelings for another woman and she's thinking, "How can this be when all of my life I've dated men!" Your daughter just met the one person whom she would turn gay (bi) for.

 

I am also speaking from experience. All of my life I have felt close with women and there were certain people that I met or friends that I wanted to get close with, to know, to hug, to touch, and I would do special things for these people. I never thought of kissing them or having sex with them, so these feelings aren't just sexual. I just attributed my feelings to liking them as friends, but I felt differently towards "these friends" compared to my other girl friends. Something was different, but I didn't know what. I have dated men all of my life, but I could never get emotionally and physically intimate with a man. I never felt comfortable. I look like the straightest girl you could ever meet and men like me, I get asked out a lot, etc. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me in my relationships with men. I just thought I had commitment and intimacy issues. My mom has been asking me if I'm gay since I was 19 and I even had friends question me about it and I denied it because I really thought that I hadn't met Mr. Right yet.

 

Finally, when I started thinking there was a chance that I was gay and started reading about it online, I realized that I'm a lesbian. I have a preference for women in my relationships. They are safe to me. They understand me. I can get emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically close to a woman like I have never been able to with a man and I have no idea why. It's about connecting on multiple levels. It just has to do with the way that I form relationships and I can't help who I am attracted to. When I started thinking this, I realized that I had intense feelings for this woman whom I was friends with and I could picture myself with her in every way, whereas, when I thought I was straight I just thought that I liked her as a special friend.

 

I hope that helped you to understand your daughter's sexuality. Read about it! That's the best way to understand what is going on.

[-gemincer-]

i may not know a lot about these sorts of things... but i'd say just let her live the way she'd like to, let her try out stuff to see if she likes it and whatever, you just support her without being all ... cheerleader type and if you're worried about her safety, suggest self-defense classes. ^-^;; it's really just a suggestion from a nobody, but hey..

[justsweetgirl]

I think "nobetterwords" said it best about there being no unnatural feelings in intense relationships. Your daughter is young and experimenting. Pat yourself on the back that she is comfortable enough with you to talk about these very personal issues to begin with. I am 39 and still waiting for my Mom to be comfortable enough to have "the talk." As for gay-bashers, there are positives and negatives with everything. We cannot allow small-minded, mean-spirited others to dictate our behavior and what is or isn't acceptable. To want your daughter to be straight because it would be "easier" is only letting those lugheads win. Support her in all things, whether you agree and understand or not. That's what Moms do.

[behind_these_eyes]

I think all of the people who responded to this made really good points. People are attracted to those who understand them. It's pretty simple. If she identifies with this girl on a very deep level, feels comfortable with her, and is attracted to her, then I don't think she's being naive. Attraction and love are the basis of a relationship. If she has that, I don't think circumstance matters.

[Hiwater]

Hi Evelyn. first iof all let me jsut say that you are a terrific mom. Your daughter trusts you so much that she can be that open with, and you are so accepting. Not being judgemental is the greatest gift you can ever give her. having accepting parents is winning half the battle for a gay/bi individual. To answer you question. My entire life, all the way up through high school I dated guys. The thought of being gay never even crossed my mind. I was even very serious with one, and he was so good to me. Then I met Patti. She was so beautiful, I was just drawn to her. It was so confusing, I too thought that I was just mistaking a deep feeling of rfiendship for something else. But I wasn't. Four years later, after alot of heartache, going up against alot of "gay-bashers" who were once my friends, we are still together. To this day I can look at another girl and it would do nothing for me. I'm exclusively attracted to men, accept for her. I don't know what it is about her, But I absoleutly love her. I've come to the conclusion that for some reason that we may not be able to see or realize, some people just belong together. She may outgrow it. She may not. She may really love this girl. Just let her figure it out. Be there for her. It is such a scary time for her. Believe me I know. It is so much harder beign in a gay relationship, but if you find someone who you're ahppy with it, the ups are well worth the downs. You are right to worry about gay bashers. I wish I would have been more descreet when I was first finguring myself out. I butted heads with some horribly closed minded aggressive people. She is just so caught up in this new realtionship, she's not thinking about anytihng else, so keep reminding her of the danger that's out there. Sorry to babble on. Hopw this helped.