my personal break up drama

[BlueCoconut]

here is my personal little dramatic love story..... that ended....

 

she was my first true girlfriend. I broke up with her this morning. I feel awful... so so bad... I love her very much, I really care for her. but in a month, she is leaving the country, not that i did not know that before. We got together four months ago, a month later she was supposed to return to her country. Once she did, she wanted to come back. I tried to convince her not to, because I could not promise her anything. I tried to break up with her, but she had so many tears,and felt so much pain, and cried so much, I could not handle hurting her and told her to come back if she wanted to. I told her if she wanted to come back, she should, but that she should not come back for me. I did, i told her that over and over and over again. She came back a month after her departure, in the beginning of February. She told me, I was not the main reason of her return, but only a small part. I tried to convince myself, that whatever would happen... i should not feel guilty about it.

 

Then she came back, it was fun at first, great, even incredible. I was really happy then... As time grew, I guess I kind of lost interest of i'm not too sure what. I realized that in our likings, the way we saw and lived life, we were very very much different. Different tastes, but still we really cared for each other. I can not say at which point I started feeling like not being with her anymore. I think it may have been when I had bad days. It bothered me that she could not suceed in cheering me up and out of it, although she tried and i love her for it. And when I would be gloomy, I would get quiet, and she would feel sad too and instead of being happy and getting me out of it, she grew sad, sensible and unhappy too. Not that my bad days would have anything to do with her. That is when it started bothering me, and maybe it was that the flame and the excitement of new relationships was already dying. I'm not so sure. Anyhow... then they were the days that I would not feel like talking and she would be quiet. or our conversations grew boring, I think I feel she did not bring more to my life anymore. She loved her project, but i had little interest in it. But beyond that project, there was rarely anything interesting or curious. She did not starve as much as I to learn new things... It then felt as if, I always did all the initiating of conversations , all the talking. And if i did not feel like talking, there would simply be the quiet...

 

I don't like the quiet so much, I like fun and amusing conversations. And thenm the fun, she always wanted to do things I was not interested in, or did not feel like doing. But in her amazing kindness, she would do anything I suggested. A really great girl. She may do it just for me, because she loves me, loves me so much. but i never felt like doing much when i was worried and stressed. school does that to me. but instead of being a window of escape and a realm of peace, it was quite.... boring i guess. maybe if i had spent more time with her it would have been different, maybe if we had done more things together that did not require conversation... maybe if we had done more fun things...

That is really it. I like to see her happy, but when i'm in a bad mood, i can retreat within me and my words may come out cold. she is extremely sensitive to those and it would her quite a lot. and she cried. i hate seeing people cry. i hate it so much... but i have beared more tears with her than anyone in the whole world. tears irritate me, and in a way they hurt me. she would cry, quite a lot, about how i said something. and if she did not do it before me, i would feel that she was unhappy. it upsets me that i caused her so much pain and emotion. and it bothers me that i caused her tears, so often, simply because of the way i said something, or i felt about somethings. and that the things i prioritized did not agree with hers. what she prioritized was being with me, while i have to suceed at my studies. and she would get sad when she could not see me. she would get hurt when i did not feel like being with her. why would i sometimes not want to be with her? well... when someone gets hurt by all you say.....

 

then i felt trapped. trapped by her tears and her love. i want to love, but i want to feel free too. no, i don't mean other women... one, but i want to have peace of mind. inner freedom. so i broke up with her on the terms that i hurt her too much, that i hated myself for hurting her all the time, whether or not i meant to. imagine how you would feel, if you were always scared to tell the person of your life something, in fear that the way it would come out, it would hurt them? i also could not talk to her about everything, i always had to be selective about what to tell her and what not to. Don't say something that could hurt! i hate the feeling, shouldn't one in love, be able to tell their lover everythig, good or bad, and not feel that constant fear to hurt them.

 

I told her about that feeling eventually, and she agreed that i should not be afraid to tell her things. Yet i would. she gets hurt so easily. so I broke up... i caused her too much, and since she is leaving a month from now anywayz, there is no future for this relationship because I do not believe and i refuse long distance relationships, maybe we should stop where we are. I hate hurting her....

 

Now many hours since that moment have passed, and i feel awful, horrible to be alone again, horrible that she is alone again. even worst that, in the end i realize that she came back for me anywayz and that i disappoint her so much... europe to canada for me is a long way! i miss her and i love her, i almost want to grab the phone and call her, tell her how sorry i am and how much i love her. but doing so would cause pain again later... but.... !! i hate it... and i tell myself, i will never date again if it can cause such pain... but i miss her so much, her tenderness, her sweetness and kindness. and i hate myself for hurting her, and even if unintentionally misleading her that our love could be eternal. she would have given up the whole world for me... It saddens me that i cause her pain...

 

I will appreciate any advice...

should I hold back and keep to myself

or should i follow that screaming urge to call her and love her?

 

oh yes maybe I should mention she is 6 years older than me.

[charlotte_skye]

you sound confused, it some parts of your post u sound certain and that u were not happy with her n that there was no spark for u with her, n then it sounds like u dont wnat to b without her.

 

i think u need to think about what it is that makes u think u do want to be with her, because all the things u have mentioned about ur relationship make u unhappy.

 

maybe u just hate being alone? myabe its just the guilt confusing you?

 

if not, then i would say maybe you need time to yourself. it sound sliek most of the probs in your relationhip r because u arent happy with you!

 

my ex was just like u, esp in the way that his studies n him exceeding in them was his main priority, and although i supported that, i think he resented that my main priority was him, becaus eit then made him feel guilty about his main priority not being me.

 

It sounds liek u get sad and depressed alot. do u suffer from depression? it sound slike u got moody n the resented her for it, by syain she didnt get u out of it, thats not completely fair, she loves u so of ocurse it hurts her just as much to see u down. you need time on your own n get ur stress under control n moods n then be with someone, that way maybe they will b your priority , you wont be stressed n resent them.

 

my ex also suffered depression n would get distant as soon as he was failing an assignment or something, in the end he brok eup with me i believe because he wnated to just focus on gettin his life better ie: do well at school , get better job, b4 he could ocmmitt, knowing his priorities werent n couldnt be with me at moment. which is fair enough. In a way i thank him for realising his faults with being with me yet not being bale to REALLY be with me until he was happy with himself, his lifetc n got his priorities sorted to b in a healthy rship.

 

if though you just feel she is boring, i would just let her go. if thats whats made u break up with her u obviously dont feel enough for her.

 

ca i ask u...........did her having u as her priority make like her less?

 

why were doing things with her boring? did she not make an efffort for conversation etc? or was it that u just didnt enjoy her company?

 

why did u not want to be around her? i didnt understand your reason on that one.

 

how do u feel for her now?

 

are u in love?

 

are u keeping in touch with her?

 

how much r u huting, how much do u miss her?

[arwen]

You feel very guilty now. I think it's not a good idea to call her when you do so because you can't bear the thought of her being hurt. It comes with the breakup, I think many 'dumpees' don't realize it can be very very hard on the dumpers too. Unless you really regret that you broke up with her, and want to get back together and work on the problems, I think calling is a bad idea now.

 

I think it will be very confusing for her if you call her, and say you love her. You have good reasons why you can't be in this relationship. She did nothing wrong, but you felt the two of you weren't compatible anymore.

 

Don't confuse love with feeling sorry. It's natural to feel tremendous pain for someone that you care for so much. I think it's really too short to be talking to her now, the wound is fresh and it will take time for her to heal.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[greenie35]

In all likelihood she may be a bit overwhelmed about living in a new country and her interests may be different from yours because to you her interests are familiar and for her they are foreign and new and exiciting. It sounds to me as though you know in your heart you do not love her, but feel lonely and miss her because she really loved you--that also may be part of the reason you wanted to cut things off--because she loved you too much perhaps more than you loved youreself. But now you miss that...worry that you may not find that again...someone who loves you completely and wholly and would do anything for you. I was dating someone about 3 years ago while I was going through a long spell of depression. I should have never gotten involved with him for that reason. I could not love him wholly. I started to withdraw from him because he was too caring...I couldn't understand why he loved me so much and it almost angered me and made me more sad. I pushed him away--I was too much of a coward to break things off. In retrospect he treated me better than anyone I have ever dated, and to this day I wish things could have been different. Although I realize that I did not really love him and I needed to work on loving myself more. I think you should give it time and let things heal before you get in touch with her. I gather that she does indeed mean a lot to you and you to her. You may be able to rekindle a friendship out of this if you give it some time. Meanwhile find your passion...do something good for yourself and learn to love yourself. When you learn to love yourself you draw the right kinds of people into your life and that "ideal" mate you described, the one you can talk to about anything and want to be with always will eventually be drawn to you. It's funny how God works in that way...Everything takes work...but the benefits are worth the effort. Your heart and piece of mind are worth the effort. Try and make yourself the center of your universe. I don't mean neglect the people you care for, but instead work on doing things that make you feel good about you...the rest will follow

 

Good luck