Porn has made me ready to call it quits.

[Amber]

I find myself to be a very reasonable woman, but one thing I will NEVER understand is why men would let a little thing like porn come between a relationship. I am an attractive woman and am willing to do anything to turn my boyfriend on and get him off. I can understand if we didn't live together and he used porn when he has no chance of seeing me that day, or even when I work late at night and have to open the next day. (It's safe to say that sex is probably the last thing from my mind) What I can't understand though is why he would call me at work to make sure I'm still there and then masturbate before I get home. (I only get off of work an hour after he does) What is so hard about waiting an hour or so? Then later he makes an excuse to not have sex, or teases me me about being like a man and always nagging him for it. And, when we do have sex it's a lot harder to get him off, that is if he gets off at all. The times he doesn't masturbate of course it's easy. At first I thought this may be one of the reasons. He's told me that sex is just for me, and that his only objective is to get me off. I thought that maybe he felt like he was getting off too quickly or something. Now, I'm sure this in not the case. I don't know what is.

Everytime I bring up the subject he has to lie to me about it, or try to play it off as no big deal. I know he loves me, but I can't take the porn interfering with our sex life any longer. We've been living together for over a year and a half, and I'm ready to give it all up over stupid porn. I've given up masturbation for him, so that it is easier for him to get me off. All I'm asking for in return is that he just cut back and consider my needs for once. Am I really asking for too much?

Another thing I don't understand is the fact that he gets jealous over a stupid romance novel. He said that he didn't want to have to compete with a fictional character. (the so called perfect man) And everytime I try to read the stupid book while he's around he's bugging me, and trying to get me to stop. Do men not understand what an ego crusher porn can be? We all know that if a man doesn't get off during sex, there's pretty much only 2 reasons. 1) he's already gotten off, or 2) he's not turned on. Either way it hurts. And I don't think any woman should have to be put through that unnecessary pain. Especially if she is willing to please her man.

[Doggone]

Hey Amber,

This is not really a weird situation. Coming from a guy I'll tell you that the whole getting off too quickly thing is a great concearn. Because for a guy, sex is about getting off everytime, they automatically think that thats what it is for a girl, which in most cases it is. I think a lot of women enjoy sex emotionally and physically and if they don't get off evertyime, it doesn't seem as great of a concearn for them. Let him know that somtimes it makes you feel sexy when you get him off real quick. Let him know it mkaes you feel as if he really loves you and it's proving that to you in a different way. If he his concearned with how long he is taking, there is a term called "clearing the pipes" haha, this is where guys masterbate before having sex to make it last longer. Have you ever considered sitting down and watching the porn with him? This can acutally be exciting to some girls too. Mind you have him pick out one thats not to out there, but thats my advice. Let him know you like it when he gets off fast somtimes and also just try watching porn with him. Not all the time but every now and then. If he can stop associating porn with masterbating and start associating it with amazing sex with you, then it could swing around pretty quickly.

Hope it helps.

[bzborow1]

Hi there,

 

Coming from a guy I'd tell you porn is ok, but only if it doesn't get in the way of the relationship...which this seems to be. You should set some boundaries for him regarding porn. I sincerely think this is not a major problem in a relationship, the guy is probably more worried about pleasing you then he is anything else. If you want to try this, next time you have sex, and if he gets off really fast, just tell him how much you're turned on when you know he is, etc, etc...

 

I just think you two should let yourself explore in terms of sex and romance. What's wrong with reading a romance novel? Everyone has a right to fantasies.

[GoDevil]

You know, it sounds to me like this guy might have a problem. There's a thing called masturbation addiction you know. People that are addicted to masturbation use it to deal with the stress that they experience in their daily lives. They could hate their job, they could have bad anxiety, they could be depresssed, etc... The point is that addicts use it just like a drug. Usually it doesn't have anything to do with the sexual nature of it at all. I think you (and if at all possible he as well) might consider reading up on it a bit, as it is obviously affecting your relationship in a very negative manner.

[Amber]

That's just it, I have no idea what is considered too much. I've lived with guys before. (never a boyfriend, just guy friends from work) and we've sat around and watched porn and they looked at it while I was around. It was never considered a big deal. I don't know if I was just considered one of the guys or what? My boyfriend on the other hand doesn't look at it when I'm home, just everyday I go to work or anywhere else. That's pretty much always at least 5 days a week. And he's very private about it. He refuses to let me watch it with him and has often lied to me about it. I can't stand when I know I'm being lied to. Especially over something so silly. I know he loves me, and thinks I am beautiful, and would never cheat on me. But, it still hurts deeply when I get home and can tell that's he's already gotten off. He acts funny for the most part, and I hate the way he acts after that. It's like if I get too close he kind of pushes me away or teases me and says " You're not still horney are you?" That's where I can get a little pissy, and I hate being mad. I'm usually a happy person. And what's agravating above all is that he can never figure out why this hurts me and makes me upset. And if he does understand he dosn't show it. I'm at my whits ends, I no longer know what to do and cannot understand where he is coming from. This is the first boyfriend I've ever lived with, so I'm wondering if all guys are like this and if this is a common thing, or is this really not normal. I don't want to leave if there are good intensions behind this, but if he's just doing it to get back at me or something because he knows it makes me upset. I'm out the door.

You all have been a big help thus far though. And of couse any more advice is always appreciated Thanks

[blumblumshub]

Hi there Amber,

 

Men are weird. Trust me, I know all about men being weird. I should know because I am one!

 

I also run several fairly successful adult websites, so I'm kinda coming at this from a different angle. Don't worry though, I'm not here to attack you in any way or invalidate anything you're saying. In fact I hope I am at least a little helpful with what I am saying here.

 

Men watch pornography for many reasons. You say that your boyfriend loves you and thinks you're beautiful. It's important that you continue thinking that, because pornography is rarely used as an alternative to a relationship, only as an addition to it.

 

So, you're in a relationship, it's sexually active, you're both attracted to each other and in love. Why then does he look at porn?

 

1) Maybe he's just got a lot more sexual energy than you think.

2) Maybe he gets horny at the wrong time of day and knows that the feeling will have gone by the time you get home. Maybe when he calls you at work he's hoping you're not there at all and wants you to be on your way back but can't say that because he'd feel silly.

3) Maybe it's a bit of a rebellious streak in him. He might feel like his life is not exciting so doing something like this behind your back makes him feel a little better about himself and gives him a little self esteem.

4) Maybe he's looking for something that you're not giving him at the moment and he's too scared to talk to you about it. Maybe he's got fantasies or fetishes that he feels you wouldn't understand. Fantasies are perfectly normal and healthy, but we don't all like to talk about them.

5) Maybe he gets lonely and misses you, and although the people on the screen or in the magazines look nothing like you, he's using them and thinking of you.

 

There are lots of possibilities. Maybe there is a problem somewhere that needs solving, and maybe it's just a quirk. You really need to sit down and talk this through with him and find out, because if it's a quirk that you can't live with, you need to find out now. If you try to stop him looking at porn then he'll carry on, but he'll be even more secretive about it. If you were to marry the guy, and find out 5 years down the line that he'd lied to you about the porn for all that time, it would hurt you a lot more than anything he's done so far.

 

By far the most worring thing you said in your posts was about him not liking you reading romance novels. That worries me because it shows him having a low self esteem, and a high degree of jealousy. That's never a good sign and is something else you really should talk to him about.

 

As for him not watching porn in front of you, well that's normal. I wouldn't feel comfortable watching that kind of thing with anyone else present. Doesn't matter who it is.

 

Talk to him until his ears bleed, for the sake of your relationship.

 

I hope I helped at least a bit, and I hope my profession doesn't offend you. I try to be a nice guy where I can

 

Take care,

Blum

[Amber]

Thanks Blum you're advice has been helpful. Don't worry I have nothing against porn. Well, that's not totally true, I don't like playboy and other sites other porn that's just a bunch of naked women. I don't think there's many girls that do though. No matter how geougus a girl is the thought of her boyfriend looking at another naked women is unnerving. Besides my boyfriend has already told me that he rarely thinks about me when he masturbates. He said that he usually thinks about some headless chick or some situation that would probably never happen. (like sex in a pool of baby oil, or a tub of jello) This really hurts because when I look at porn or think of sex I am usually thinking about the things I would like for him to be doing to me or me to him. (Or that's really got to hurt. ) Doggone was right when he said that women enjoy sex more emotionally. I love when a guy isn't afraid to look at my body and enjoy how beautiful I am. I relish the thought that my boyfriend thinks there's never going to be another women that can give the pleasure that I am giving him, or could ever make him feel more loved than he is at that moment. But, now all I can think about when we have sex is him jerking off thinking about some other chick. It's very devistating.

[GoDevil]

Amber,

The thing you need to do now is talk to him about it and explain everything that you have talked about on this post. Tell him how it makes you feel, tell him how much it bothers you, tell him how much you love him and if he loves you and cares about your feelings he will take action to make you feel better. If he is unwilling to budge on this issue then you should leave because you are only setting yourself up for more pain. Leave this one up to him; it is a good way to test his true feelings for you. He might be taking you for granted and not realize it. Give him a chance or two to take action after you've explained your feelings (in as non-confrontational manner as possible, mind you). Also, try to avoid the word "you" when telling him this. Use "I" as much as possible, stressing things like "this makes ME feel this way" etc... By avoiding "YOU", he is much less likely to get overly defensive because you are just describing your feelings, not attacking him. Best of luck!!!

[B8be410]

My situation sounds like yours exactly. I am in this same exact boat as we speak. Time to cut him loose? move on?

 

How about this. Have you ever just come out and asked him if he is still attracted to you? Ask him if he still wants to be with you (as a sexual partner). And if he says yes, ask him, then why does he jump on his pc the second he walks in the door to look at hardcore stuff (my bf does this also). My BF's answer to this, "why do you only look at it the second I walk out of the house, come home late, or fall asleep early is because he is bored. He also says he has become 'accustomed' to looking at it often. Confront him now! Don't let him make you feel badly and give you those types of answers, it is not fair to you. Trust me, I know how you feel.

[Cuu]

wow about 10 porn posts today. must be the humidity or something..

[wonderer]

Wow! Some of these responses have been very helpful. I'm in the very same situation with my boyfriend. I actually started believing that this was MY fault. We, as women need to remember that this is not our problem, it has only become our problem because our mate's have made it our problem.

In the beginning of our relationship, we both agreed that porn was acceptable as long as it didn't affect our relationship in any way. He understood that I didn't have a problem with him looking at it. Well, our sex life was never what it should have been and I would ask him about it and he would make up some excuse as to why we didn't have more sex. Then, over the weekend he admits to masturbating in front of the computer instead of having sex with me. I don't understand this! How can he possibly enjoy that over me? I'm struggling with this whole thing and I haven't decided if I should stay or go.

Please, ladies, understand that this is not your fault. It is a sickness for these men. Take one day at a time, just as I am trying to do. Talking about it with someone that is going through it does seem to help. Thanks.

[garymax]

I do.

 

No woman should have to be in competition with a centerfold or the latest girl your BF happens to see.

 

Men are attracted and stimulated by the visual, so it is easy for them to get caught up into porn. I say "caught up" because it is the devil's snare for many a young man today. And it's pervasive.

 

Besides the fact that a man is lusting when he looks at porn (unless he is just reading the articles....YEAH, RIGHT) those pictures in his mind don't leave when he stops looking at porn. They linger...sometimes for years. And since the women who are used (yes, used) in porn are air-brushed, fictional standards of beauty, how in God's name could you compete with that? You will never compete with the image that your BF has in his mind. That is indeed an ego-crusher and it is not right nor fair that you should be in this position.

 

Being a Christian, I believe that sex is for marriage only but the principles of what I am saying apply to singles as well.

 

You--as a real woman--are worth infinately more than the girls plastered on the pages of a porn magazine. And you should let your BF know this.

 

Believe it or not, there are some men out there who have their passion under control and don't look at porn.

 

Jesus is Lord,

 

Cheers!

 

Remember: No one can be tempted with what they do not think on.

[love_junkie]

Saying you don't mind porn means you are enabling this boyfriend. He won't stop watching it because you don't put your foot down. He knows he can do whatever he wants and that you're not in any of his fantasies. Give him an ultimatim. Men hate them, but life's tuff isn't it? Respect yourself and tell him your thinking of leaving if he doesn't quit viewing this garbage that totally degrades the female sex. It makes all of us women pieces of meat. Get your head on right, take a stand, realize that porn isn't okay. Men have to be steared the right way. They won't figure it out without a woman's guidance. Until you do take a stand, this could go on forever...10 years of it? Come on, why would he quit later if he doesn't now? Porn is horrible stuff and it only gets more severe (child, sadomasochism, suffocation,etc). People act as if it's harmless, but it's not. It's dangerous to women and to men alike. You get what you settle for, don't forget that, try to be strong.

LJ