everyone always needs something from me

[greatunknowns]

I almost feel as if this is a very type-A person problem, but maybe that's because anyone else I've ever talked to that also has felt like this is also has a very type-A personality.

 

It seems like everyone always needs something from me, but also like no one realizes/cares that I also have needs. I have a disabled mother (mobility difficulties - horrible knees, hips, back), who not only has other health problems (diabetes, digestive issues), but is an undiagnosed textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder. She is so dependent on my brother and I, needing different things from us. But because I still live at home, the brunt of it falls on me. My brother helps her with financial things, like sorting out retirement stuff, as well as things I cannot, like moving something heavy up/down a flight of stairs. I get stuck with the daily to-dos, which feel more frustrating than anything - it means taking time out of my day to immediately do whatever she needs (because everything she needs is FAR more important than something else I may be doing, and if not done that instant, the screaming will commence). These things range from running ALL of her errands (and not always getting reimbursed for her bills when she knows that I, at 23 y/o, don't even make enough money to support myself), to helping her with technology (computer, iPad, iPhone), to cooking her dinner. It has gotten to the point where she just goes to work for 4 hours every day, comes home, maybe goes to a doctor's appointment, and then doesn't do anything, but meanwhile has handed me a laundry list of things she needs done, some of which she's actually capable of doing herself, like wrapping Christmas gifts or picking up a prescription on her way home from work.

 

I work anywhere between 30-40 hours a week with an hour commute each way, which means between work, commuting, and doing all these things for her, I have no time in my day for me. My days off are spent doing whatever she needs me to do, god forbid I might have things I want or need to do that day. When I bring it up, she says things like, "No one's stopping you from doing what you want to do on your day off." Well...yes, that's correct, but I know if I don't spend the day catering to her, I'll get ripped a new one for it later on. She always needs something from me, but never reciprocates. (She also was never very present for me growing up - my dad was always the one to help me out. Sure, she'd drive me to and from places, but in the actual sense of meeting your child's needs, she was not that parent.)

 

I love my job, and not to sound arrogant, I'm good at my job. I'm good at just getting stuff done correctly in an efficient manner, and I'm always on top of things. I love having that responsibility, but at the same time, it sometimes feels like the higher-ups at work take advantage of that. I've been told before by some of those higher-ups that they give me certain things to do or keep adding responsibilities because they know I'm good at staying on top of things and getting stuff done, which is a great compliment, but also means that I constantly feel like I'm working twice as hard for not enough money. The help I receive at work is often task-related - i.e., if I have a project and need someone to simultaneously be labeling something while I'm putting those items in a box, I get that help. But I also often am given responsibilities that are one-person tasks, and it's frustrating to feel like people at work always need something from me while feeling like I don't get to "need" help staying on top of things sometimes.

 

I have a small group of close friends, but as of late, I've been so busy and moody that I haven't had the energy to make the time to regularly be in contact with them. I have no social life because of work/commuting/my mother needing me to do everything, so I haven't seen any of my friends in at least several weeks, if not months. My closest friend from high school is in grad school, and while I know she's really busy with her studies, I feel like she never ever has any time for me. Sometimes I'll see that she has made time for other friends - I get it, she knows I'm always going to be there for her because we've been friends for so long, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to handle. But when she has the time for me, it's like I'm supposed to rearrange everything to meet up with her, and she got really bummed out when I couldn't meet her for dinner tonight on her short break from studying for finals. In the romance department, things have been complicated with my ex, and close to non-existent otherwise - no time to date! I'm also not in a good place mentally to date right now - I want a stable, long-term relationship, and while part of me wants that because I have a lot of love to share with someone else, a big part of it is wanting stability & not to be lonely, and I want those things for the wrong reasons. Wanting stability and companionship are not bad, but wanting them because that void in your life is coming from the ground up is not healthy.

 

It just feels like every keeps needing me to do something for them, or help them with their life, or be there for them, but no one seems to reciprocate that. It's like, if I say I'm having a really hard time coping with everything going on in my life right now, oh me too and oh let's turn this conversation to what my problems are instead of yours because my problems are so frustrating. I don't know what to do, and it's really been putting me in a bad mood for several weeks. I'm cranky all the time now because it seems like no one cares about what my needs are, and I can't fulfill those myself. I can't give myself external stability, I can't give myself help when I need it, I can't be my own support system. The holidays are only making it worse.

 

I'm exhausted. Please tell me I'm not the only one that gets really moody about this.

[Di_ya2009]

Wow, you sound like me but perhaps in even worse situation. You are not alone in this...do you ever ask people for help? If not ask yourself why...do you say no at work? If not ask yourself why.

 

Do you do anything for yourself? To meet your needs? To benefit just yourself? If not why?

 

I know this is a cliche but do learn to pur yourself first.

[Wiseman2]

Since you work and live at home for free, contact some agencies about getting the needed home care and personal care she needs. Talk to her doctors, therapists, social workers, etc about getting the house disability retrofitted, seeing what else she is eligible for and making sure she gets that. Look for organisations that help seniors with meals or companionship or senior centers..

 

Read up on care-giver burnout rather than her particular personality problems. She's not going to change, but you can do a lot to change the situation and make life easier for yourself and better for her... Move out when you get the proper help lined up to come in and assist her.

I have a disabled mother. I still live at home, the brunt of it falls on me. It has gotten to the point where she just goes to work for 4 hours every day, comes home, maybe goes to a doctor's appointment, and then doesn't do anything

[greatunknowns]

I say no at work to things that I know I do not have the time for, i.e. things I am certain I will not be able to complete. Other tasks/responsibilities are accepted as soon as I have passed prior responsibilities off to someone else. For instance, I was formerly in charge of people's safety walkthroughs every month. A higher-up gave me a new responsibility and I accepted, but also said I would be able to do so only if I passed people's safety along to someone else.

 

I don't have time to do anything for myself, aside from my favorite workout class twice a week. There are just not enough hours in the day to sleep, eat, work, and deal with everyone else, AND do something for me. I understand the concept of putting myself first, but I need more than 24 hours in a day to do it.

 

Wiseman2, I cannot afford to pay for an aide to help her, and I certainly don't have the money to retrofit the house. Do you think there are organizations that don't charge or charge less? Totally clueless and am not currently able to access Our house is too big for two people, but she has hoarder tendencies and moving would mean me taking off several weeks from work to clean out the entire house - I simply cannnot afford to lose wages for several weeks, let alone one, to do her dirty work for her. (Any time she says she needs "help", it really means "you do it while I sit there and complain about how you're doing it but also say I'm glad it's not me doing it.") I don't make enough money to support myself as it is, as a big chunk of each paycheck goes to taxes, insurance, and two retirement accounts.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

While I am sorry to hear your mother is in bad health...this is you. Not her.

 

Have you tried putting your foot down and telling her no? I sorry but if her wishes are affecting YOUR life then something is wrong. Sounds like you enable her,which is very common in these cases. But sometimes you just gotta say no.

Guilt is like a bag of bricks. All you gotta do is set it down.

 

I know first hand how hard it is trying to take care of a family member and often times there is lots of resentment.

 

How about move out and concentrate on yourself and forget about everything else. Start your own life and finish school

[greatunknowns]

Every time I tell her no, World War 3 breaks out. She's always the victim, no one wants to help her, oh but I have all these problems and no one wants to help me blah blah blah. It is very obvious to my brother and I that there is something mentally wrong with her, but she denies it and refuses to seek help, so dead end with that one.

 

I have to enable her while I'm living at home. I would be living on the street otherwise. I've already graduated from school and am trying to start my own life & move out, but am not yet financially capable of doing so, as I live in an expensive part of the country. I know the second I can move out and get away from her, I'm going no-contact, but my situation in the meantime is so bad that I'm considering making an appointment with a psychologist or someone - I know so many people with depression, anxiety, bipolar, and I know the warning signs of depression and am feeling some of them. (Things I used to love aren't interesting me anymore, little to no motivation, getting out of bed is a struggle, etc. Part of it is also SAD and I get moody every winter, but situation has been plaguing me for a long time and has always made me feel completely hopeless.)

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

I hope it works out. Do you have a friend you could stay with to get on your feet and get your own place?

 

I would be putting that into the works ASAP. Like tonight if it's as bad as you say. Just leave. The worst that's gonna happen is what?

 

It's a rough world. Grow some thick skin and stop being hurt by words. I don't know you but it seems like you're afraid of getting yelled at? Stop it