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Definately a weird one - could write a book about it.. please help!


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After reading this, i'm hoping someone can help me understand women. This is a weird story, and im left feeling confused.


First of all I want to say that I know we were wrong, I don't doubt that and my goal now is just to move on, but......


It all started back in 2010, I live in Canada and while working at my job I had a supplier in the U.S and my contact for that supplier was... Lets call her "Sarah". Well Sarah and I would talk through email here and there and chatted on the phone a couple times for work etc and we seemed to hit it off from the get go and really connect. Everything was very professional, but you could tell that we enjoyed our chats. I am married with 2 kids, and she is also married and was expecting her first kid in 2010. So anyhow, she goes on Mat leave and returns 12 weeks later and we catch up etc... and so on... By 2011 I had left my job, but we exchanged email addresses and agreed just to keep in contact and so I started my new job in Fall 2011 and we continued to chat every couple days through email just asking how we were doing and what's new etc.. By Summer 2012 she again went on Mat leave with her 2nd child. At this point although we had chatted we had never seen eachother. By fall 2012 she was back at work and we again continued to chat. In Fall 2012 she then setup a facebook account and we added eachother... this is where the story takes a turn. We had already established a friendship and connection and had so much in common, but when we now saw so many pics of eachother I think it took things to the next level. By this I mean that we started to chat more often, and we both obviously had feelings for each other at this point, but we both also realized that we both have kids and are married etc.. and we live in different countries etc.. By Spring 2013 we had gotten to know each other pretty well and it seemed that the more we talked, the more we realized how much we had in common. we would talk about anything and everything and shoot emails back and forth all day... At this point one of us mentioned how it would be cool just to meet up one day and have a beer together and just hangout, but we laughed and said yeah right...



A couple months later this idea started to seem better and we thought about how we could plan this. By June 2013 we were now talking every single day and she had even given me her personal email and we would send a few emails now at night and on weekends etc... We were now talking 7 days a week. We ended up making a plan to get together in the fall of 2013. I had planned a trip with a buddy to head down to her neck of the woods (about a 2 hour flight) to go see a ball game and meet up with her and her friend for a beer. We were nervous because we had known eachother for a while now, but had never actually met. We had told ourselves that we will just give a big hug and have a few beers and it would be fun. It ended up being the best night of our life. We hit it off right away and had a great time. We stayed in separate hotels, but we hung out until well into the morning. We did not have sex, but we kissed a lot and there was obvious chemisty. When my friend and I left the next day Sarah texted me and told me how sad she was that I was leaving and how much she already missed me. She also said she had mixed emotions and also felt guilty for kissing me etc... Well, after that visit our connection grew stronger. We continued to talk everyday (7 days a week). My relationship at home was not the greatest and Sarah's was not either, so we found a lot of comfort in eachother as great friends and we were very much attracted to eachother. By Jan 2014 we would tell eachother daily how much we loved eachother and that we wished things could be different and that we could be together.



Fast forward to Summer 2014.. At this point we are trying to figure out how we could see eachother again, and so we planned another Fall trip out to see her. So now Oct 2014 I head down there and this now ended up being the best night ever.. Even better than before. The chemistry had grown. We were perfect for eachother. We spent the night together and had sex. On the Sunday morning when I left she again texted me and told me how sad she was that I was leaving and how much she missed me and that we needed to find a way to be together because we were soulmates. I told her I feel the same and that I love her so much. I asked her if she feels guilty and to my surprise she said no, not really. I feel like we were meant to be and it just feels right. At this point we had an app on our phones that we would chat on all the time. I mean 365 days a year from morning till night. We wouldn't go more than an hour or two without messaging eachother etc.. we knew everything about eachother. We would send pics back and fourth all the time. Things started to get harder as the relationship continued. By this, I mean that she would get annoyed when she knew I was hanging with my wife, and vice versa. I know this all sounds silly, but im just telling the story how it is and I know we were wrong to continue this. We did not see eachother in 2015, but again continued to talk ALL the time.. By the beginning of 2016 we would argue here and there about little things, mainly because we were deeply in love, but it was hard because we could not see eachother so we felt like we had no control over the relationship. We often discussed the fact that we could not go on like this forever and that at some point something has to give, but even with that we also acknowledged that we both could not imagine going a day without talking to eachother.



Now fast forward to June 2016, one of Sarah's best friends (Amy) comes home to visit for 2 weeks and during this 2 weeks I notice a huge change in Sarah's behavior. Although we still talked everyday, the length of time between messages was noticeably longer. Amy is single and lives a different lifestyle, and it almost seemed that when Sarah was with her that she was really enjoying it. Well anyhow it really took a toll on us and we began to argue more and more and she became more distant. At one point in July I had decided that maybe its best we do not continue like this. We were beginning to fight more and things just seemed a lot harder. I told her its best we either stop talking, or we scale way back and just chat as friends during the day, but not on weekends or evenings. She called me up crying, saying no way and she cant go a day without talking etc.. she agreed that she had been acting differently, but its because she's depressed and that shes trying to sort her life out. She was also stressed because she had put on about 10lbs since the lasttime I saw her, but I also had and so we always joked about it. So we continue, but over the next few weeks it was much of the same. At this point we talked and she said I just really wish I could see you, I feel like we need a recharge as we haven't seen eachother in a couple years now and its hard and frustrating.. So I ended up planning a trip for the end of Sept 2016. Leading up to the trip it was hard sorting out plans and arranging a few things and so we would bicker back and fourth over little things. Oh and to top it off, Amy decided she's moving back home and that she will be home in September. So fast forward to Sept 2016, the plan was to go for 2 nights and to spend the first night at her friend Amy's house and then my friend and I would drive into the city on Saturday, catch a game Saturday night and then meet up with Sarah and Amy again Sat night at our hotel. Sarah really wanted me to come for 2 nights because she wanted to maximize our time together. I arrived at Amy's house on Fri night and it was nice. We had some drinks, played games etc.. and that night Sarah and I had sex numerous times. When my friend and left Sat morning to head into the city I texted Sarah and asked her how she was. She said she was feeling a little guilty, but that she would be ok. She texted me throughout the day and asked how our day was going etc. I asked when they would be coming into the city because it would be nice to meetup earlier before the ballgame etc.. She said she wants to, but Amy was taking her time getting ready etc.. so finally around 4pm she texts and says ok we will meet at your hotel at 6pm and I said oh ok, well we will have to leave right away to be able to take a cab to the game that starts at 7pm, cant you come any earlier? she says she will try. Then she texts and says also, we will hangout after the game for a bit, but Amy doesn't really want to stay in the city so we will most likely just drive home later. To me this was a red flag. We had waited 2 years to see eachother and it sounded like she may be trying to get out of it. I asked her this and she said no no no, its Amy and that she was going to try and convince her.. etc.. So we meet at the hotel at 6, have one beer and then share a cab down to the city. She mentions that we should try and duck out of the game early so we can hangout, but my friend insists he wants to watch the game etc... So about 9:30pm that night Sarah texts me and says we are at a bar outside the bark, and just FYI we are hanging out with some guys, but don't worry they know about you, and I love you.. I thought this was a weird text, but at the same time we would always just be honest with eachother and so I didn't know what to think. Anyhow we met up after the game, and something just seemed different. She didn't seem as into me as she was the previous 2 times I had been there. Anyhow, we head back to the hotel at the end of the night and go back to the room. We laid down and she could sense I was a little annoyed and so she says you're mad at me? I said im not mad, I guess just a little annoyed... then she says forget it then... gets up takes her jewelry off and lays on the other bed and passes out. I ended up passing out aswell as we had both had a lot to drink. We woke up the next morning and got together in bed.. and ended up having sex... shortly after I had to leave and she also had to go. Something felt different this time. Previous times she was sooo upset when I was leaving, but this time was just different.



About an hour later I texted her and said I was just annoyed that she sent me the text telling me she was hanging out with guys and that I thought the plan was not to drink so much where we wouldn't enjoy our time together... at this point I basically told her that was a red flag and I was considering ending things.. she then responded by saying you just broke my heart! A few mins later I told her I didn't mean it and that I was just upset.. She then responded by saying that me lashing out on her like this is now making her question everything. So anyhow it was kinda awkward the rest of the day, and then on Monday morning she was really cold with me. Very "to the point" and short with me. By Monday evening she told me she was confused about everything and that she needed some time to sort out her feelings. I said ok, but thinking that by time she meant like a few hours because we had talked every single day since Spring 2013... up until Fall 2016... So Tuesday she doesn't contact me all day... I send her a msg Tue night telling her I was concerned and that I felt like she was ending things.. she said no, but that she just needs time to think and need space... I kept telling her that it feels like shes trying to just let me down easy, but that I would prefer that if shes going to end it, just be honest. She insisted that she hadn't made a decision.. I didn't really give her the space she wanted becuase I was also hurting and shocked that the girl who couldn't go 2 hours without me could now easily go days... by the weekend I told her I needed answers.. she wouldn't tell me anything and was just so cold with me... My first thought was that the only difference is that I had gained 12 lbs since the last time we had been together. She insisted it was nothing physical but that we were just having way too many ups and downs, and more downs than ups lately etc... a week later she emailed and said we need to be over, but that she still wanted to be friends, she just doesn't want to do this anymore... I was devastated... I told her I didn't understand and why aren't you giving me anymore answers other than this vague statement... She said there's nothing else really to say.. I said I wanted to call her and she said no, that's not going to make a difference... Suddenly, this girl who was my best friend, by soulmate, by rock had turned stone cold on me. I was hurting and so one day I sent an email and told her it was fine and that I was talking to someone else now anyhow. This wasn't true, but I guess was saying it to hurt her in a way because I felt like she hurt me and wouldn't even talk to me. She lost it on me saying how could you do something like that?! talking to someone else etc... and I said you're the one that ended things.. why do you care?



She just replied by saying you make me sick and I wish I never met you etc.. we both said some mean things and that was it. I felt terrible a few days later, and so I applogized and told her the truth about how I only said those things because I was hurt and that im not talking to anyone and that im just going to work on my life. We both said sorry and said our goodbyes. Her last email to me was that I would always hold a place in her heart. A week later I sent her an email saying that ive been hurting so much and that I miss her. Her reply to me was that shes sorry im hurting, but theres noting she can say to change that... I didn't reply. Since then I started working on myself and hitting the gym, and just working on my own life. My last couple emails to er most likely came off as me being week and needy, and so I didn't want to end things on that note. So a few weeks later I sent her an email just saying hello and I hope you're doing well. She replied by saying hey, yes doing well. Actually at a bartending course right now. I wished her luck and she asked how I was doing. I said im doing great etc... She then said she thinks about me often and that shes wanted to contact me, but wasn't sure how id feel about it. I said it was ok to contact me. Then she asked if ive been talking to any girls, to which I replied no .that was pretty much it... From there I left the ball in her court. She emailed a few days later to tell me she passed her course and asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing well and congrats etc... short and sweet. Then last Tue evening she emails me and says hows life etc? I said good.. then she again asked if I was talking to anyone? I said no, why? and she said you can tell me, its ok!! I said no, theres nothing to tell. Then she says well you told me there are girls you work with that are interested in you, and I said yes, but I don't talk to them... Then she was like well just tell me their names, and I said honestly that doesn't really matter... and then she replied and said yeah well I have guys interested in me too, but it doesn't matter.. going to bed.. goodnight! I replied by saying yes, im sure there are, and as long as you're happy that's the most important thing..


That was the last contact.. I know we were wrong from the start, but none the less its a tough situation.. Im struggling. I feel very insecure as I feel like it was something physical and I just really don't understand how she could go from being this perfect girl to shutting right down and being so cold. Can someone help me understand? And then her being so concerned about other girls... I just don't get it... please help


I really look back and it feels like something happened that Friday night as she seemed different for sure on the Saturday, and now that I think about it maybe even fri night when we were together. I even asked her later why she would have had sex with me on sunday morning if she was maybe feeling off with me? I said did you do it because you thought you had to, and she said no, because she wanted to..

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She already told you it was because you were picking fights with her and after 4 YEARS of LDR didn't want to continue, it was going nowhere..

I feel very insecure as I feel like it was something physical and I just really don't understand how she could go from being this perfect girl to shutting right down and being so cold.
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Help you understand women...? LOL


at this point, but we both also realized that we both have kids and are married etc.. and we live in different countries etc..

- Umm, yeah. You both knew this.. all along.


YOU had gotten yourself emotionally + involved with a married woman.. and proceeded to take it to the next level. Was all wrong.. was it not??


I feel bad for your other halves.. with whom neither of you should still be with.. acting like this


Don't feel sorry for you.

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Since then I started working on myself and hitting the gym, and just working on my own life.


And your marriage? What about working on your marriage? Now that you've got more time on your hands… As far as talking to another "girl", start talking to your wife!


This whole story is not weird, it's classic, it happens all the time, and always has. But it tends to end messy.

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that's a whole other story... but yes I know what you mean


Yes, but it is all part of your story. Talking with your wife and working on your marriage (or on divorcing) and putting more time into your family may not seem easy, and may be painful to start, but you can't avoid the pain, and distracting yourself with other women just prolongs the pain of a marriage that is having problems. It won't fix itself, it needs your help.

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Yes, but it is all part of your story. Talking with your wife and working on your marriage (or on divorcing) and putting more time into your family may not seem easy, and may be painful to start, but you can't avoid the pain, and distracting yourself with other women just prolongs the pain of a marriage that is having problems. It won't fix itself, it needs your help.


I agree with you. Im not proud of any of this, and im not wanting or expecting anyone to feel sorry for me. I am also working on things at home.

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She told you it was a LDR going nowhere and all the fighting, regardless. Don't those seem like valid reasons to break up to you?


No, they don't... given the fact that it has been LDR the entire time and even a month previous she told me that she couldn't even imagine not talking. So how the change over a couple day span?

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Well, mate, you f**** up. That's it. Plain and simple.


A LDR with a woman who is married with two kids during 6 years ?


And you ask why she shut the curtains in front of you ? Let me tell you. She did it because YOU were an emotional crutch for 6 years. Something is bad with my husband, life, kids, work ? No problem, let's just text my old Buddy and have some distraction.


That's what you two were for each others : distractions.


And can you guess ? Most of the time, distractions become old, then older, then the oldest thing on earth. So you want something else and get something else because, in the end, a distraction is not real life and is easily replaced.


And let me tell you something : maybe she found another distraction without even having finished with you. Did you think about that ?

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