Can reconciliation occur after a BAD drama filled break up?

[crumblebumble]

Reviving this thread for support....

Yesterday was the court date, and it was horrible. I got there and, like an idiot, tried to look my best. He didnt give a sh*t and was talking confidently with his attourney about how happy he was to be rid of me, etc. I kept my head down trying not to cry. During lunch recess, I went on facebook. At the time, he and I were still friends so I would see anything he was tagged in, it was a photo of his new girlfriend, with him staring at her adoringly. Apparently he had taken her out of town for her birthday that weekend. The pieces all kinda came together. This guy had continually come back to me for sex, never broke contact but accused me of harassment, and constantly gave ambiguous answers about getting back together. I've seen that behavior before, but I thought he was better than that. I've found ex'es are only truly capable of real cruelty (i.e. -- restraining order) once they have secured someone new and they can afford to cut you loose 100%.

We were the last case to be heard and we went up to the judge. He claimed I had been harassing him since JUNE (he had been trying to get back with me until september when he changed...) and gave the judge his speech. He was right about a couple things, I had gone bonkers with calling too much. I mean, I really over did it. I won't excuse my behavior. But he was no innocent either. His continual hooking up with me just reinforced to me that I could call him like a nut every time I wanted his attention. However, I presented the judge with all the call logs, including his incoming calls and pages and pages of texts and facebook msgs ranging from "I still love you" to "Go away and leave me alone" just constant back and forth.

 

The judge was not buying it and when I stated "Typically, if someone is 'harassing' you, you don't sleep with them." The judge then turned to him and was immediately like "Seriously?" He started stammering and tried to play it off as no big deal.

 

So, when I filed my response to his RO, I ws intending to take the bullet. I felt guilty and he had even said to me prior to it being filed "Just take the RO, when it's over we'll see how we feel." So I did not counter file for all the horrible things he did such as threatening me with revenge porn if I ever disclosed we slept together again. But, during the time of the TRO , I accidentally called him 3 times whilst sorting my voicemails for the case. It was an accident, but breaking a TRO is a felony. If he had called the cops, I would have immediately gone to jail. He, being the saint he is, texted my mother to tell her I was calling him while under the TRO and if I do it again, he will call the cops.

 

So, seeing as he was about to lose, the judge started to dismiss the case. He then burst out "She broke the TRO! She called me 4 times!" I was aghast at this. This man I had loved and trusted for years was knowingly trying to get me thrown in jail. Thankfully the judge didn't care and still thought none of this warranted an RO, especially when he never stop contacting ME through the whole time. His hands were shaking and the last thing he said was "This is really ruining my current relationship!"

 

I was disgusted, I didn't know who this person was. Either way, the case was dismissed. He lost. I won. It was a hollow victory when I went home and sat in my empty apartment and I could feel, like truly feel, that this man was gone and not coming back. The good parts, the bad parts, he had vacated my life forever. I thought on all the best memories for awhile and cried. Every time he told me 'You're my world' or woke me up because he had been staring at me whispering 'I love you', our first christmas together, painting our apartment together for the first time and writing our initials in a heart on the wall, etc. I cried hard for awhile.

 

The next morning he had dissapered from social media and changed his phone number (had to check)

 

And so ends what was once a loving relationship that turned into the most apocalyptic break up of all time. Here's to healing. It will take me a very long time to recover.

[boson222]

That's really sad. I can't believe people can be this cruel. I hope you feel better.

[crumblebumble]

That's really sad. I can't believe people can be this cruel. I hope you feel better.

 

Thank you...

[Wiseman2]

He sounds crazy. be glad you can wash your hands of this. Now make sure you delete, block, unfriend, unfollow, him on all social media and messaging . Do not 'contact by mistake'.

 

Has this happened before?

I've found ex'es are only truly capable of real cruelty (i.e. -- restraining order) once they have secured someone new and they can afford to cut you loose 100%.

[crumblebumble]

He sounds crazy. be glad you can wash your hands of this. Now make sure you delete, block, unfriend, unfollow, him on all social media and messaging . Do not 'contact by mistake'.

 

Has this happened before?

 

Heavens no... this is the most extreme break up I've ever experienced. And prior to him I had also been dumped by a 5 year long relationship, which I didn't take well either, but he just dissapered and eventually I got over it. The weird thing is, as long as I've known this guy, he's been incredibly well adjusted. So it was kind of shocking. I didn't help though, I called him like a nut, just constantly. But he never broke contact until he found this new girl, so I guess we both are equally guilty. I doubt he will ever think he's done anything wrong though. I've found that people who are capable of that with long term partners feel little remorse for what they've put them through.

[JustinPonders]

I feel for you hun. I went through a pretty messy breakup too where I experienced my ex do a very backstabbing move that made me see the ugly side of her. Read the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." It will open your eyes and help you through your traumatic experience. So far it's helped me tremendously. Good luck!

[rosiebri]

Thank you for posting this!

 

I am in a similar situation with my ex. We had a 10 month relationship. I have not been harassing him, I have sent him only 3 emails and made two attempts at calling him until I had to get a friend of his to contact him about getting my things back.

 

 

He was extremely violent with me over the phone and said nasty, nasty things to me. He threatened a restraining order and said that he has a "file" on me on his computer with all of the harassment logged.

 

 

I was hoping it would blow over but this just gave me a glimpse into my future. This person does not love me.

 

He has cheated on me, manipulated, me and abused me and I have been making excuses for him based on his depression/mental illness.

 

No more excuses. He has blocked me on everything. He is spreading rumors about me, he has made threats to "ruin me."

 

 

That is not love and there is zero hope for my mentally disturbed and immature ex.

[crumblebumble]

I feel people write these as a form of catharsis and when their emotions blow over they don't come back to update on what's transpired since. So, here's an update..

 

It's been a few months. In the meantime, my ex went on to be in a steady relationship with a new girl, but would, off and on, keep coming back to me for hook ups. Last time was in January, when she was out of the country. It kinda made me see him for who he really was. After that, I was ready to shut the door on that relationship 100%. I met someone who I fell head over heels for, maybe too fast. It didn't work out, unfortunately. I was quite smitten with him. But it was a breath of fresh air knowing that I was ok and I COULD fall for someone again. Well, the ex didn't let up though. Especially when he found out about this new guy. He was creeping around, fishing for info on him, basically anything he could do. It was weird and flew int he face of everything he had told me. He then, from a blocked number mind you, would keep calling me just to chat. He wanted to see me for drinks and we have done several times since. Watching him come around full circle from such a dramatic break up and treating me like enemy #1 was a huge weight off my shoulders and something I WISHED his friends could see. Then he started calling ALOT. Reminiscing ALOT. Surprise! He didn't like his new girlfriend anymore. Yesterday, he dumped her and guess who's phone is blowing up? Mine. and guess what he wants? To hang out every GD day. It's nuts. Tomorrow we're going on a road trip for the day, pretty crazy right? I only want to be friends with this person at this point, I've completely moved past this relationship.

 

Anyways, point is... it's so nice knowing that this dude screwed up. Not me. End of story.

[WombatShadow]

Crumble, be careful. If somebody took me to court on trumped-up charges AND THEN tried to get me arrested on felony charges at said court date (not to mention all of the psychological trauma the back-and-forthing put you through), I would never be able to take them back as a friend. I mean, this all really ended only three months ago. It's like he's trying to manipulate you into thinking he's an alright sort of dude again, and then he's going to start trying to really worm his way back into your heart.

 

He's fooled you multiple times, and almost literally ruined your life. Don't let him do it again.

[boltnrun]

"Several days after having called me, he called again, asking if we could meet for 1 drink. 'Just 1 drink'. He made it sound like a sort of 'truce' meeting. So I meet him there and we're talking. He's telling me about his dating life, and he gets to the girl he likes. I can tell in the way he talks about her how much he likes her, I start to cry a little bit in the bar. He consoled me some and then asked if I wanted to come by his apartment and pick up some things. I say ok. When we get there, he almost immediately starts hitting on me, asking me if casual sex would be possible. I shrugged, telling him I don't really want to be with anyone else. So then we end up sleeping together. Afterwards, during pillow talk, I begin to try and ask him about our relationship, her starts to get stand offish, then about the girl, and he gets raging me mad at me, screaming to get out of his house and shouting 'This was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have gotten an RO.' Imagine hearing that while you're laying naked in bed. I start to get up and and he says 'You can shut up and go to sleep, you can leave, or I can call security and have them make you leave'. At this point I'm crying, and then he starts to apologize, I told him to f*ck off. He starts telling me our friends can't know about this. I told him I'll talk to whomever I damn well chose about my personal life. Then he bribes me. Then he threatens me with revenge porn. Then He records me on his phone saying 'I'll talk about my personal life if I choose'.

 

We went round and round and round with him begging me not to talk to friends about it. Then him telling me how lucky he would be to have this new girl, how she was an upgrade, etc. I felt like I was breaking on the inside listening to this. Watching him treat me this way, talk to me like this, after having used me again. I told him I had to go, he insisted on walking me home. He tried to hold my hand, then when he left he told me he loved me.

 

The next day he begged me again not to repeat what had happened. I gave him the same response 'My personal life is mine to discuss. As is yours.' He said he didn't want work related friends to think he was 'evil' or anything. He said it would effect his reputation. He kept pretending to be friendly, saying how important I was to him, etc. Eventually I told him 'Look, you want to make things work with me, then do it. Otherwise, I'm your ex, I am angry, and I'll talk about whatever I please.'

 

To which he responded with 'You just blackmailed me! I've printed out all your FB messages, texts, and batched out your voicemails. If I find you are talking sh*t on me, I'll take you to court.'

 

Then he blocked me.

 

Then I took quite a few anti-anxiety meds, drank a bottle of wine and cried for hours. I feel like I am beyond repair as a human being. I no longer know what to do. I have to start a new job next week and my depressed has gotten so bad I'm considering not showing up and going on disability, a suggestion by my psychiatrist. "

 

Not sure what it is about this situation that makes you feel "friendly" toward this man.

 

And how do you feel knowing he only started blowing up your phone after things didn't work out with the other woman? Do you want to be 2nd choice or his "backup" woman?

[crumblebumble]

Update: I Told him to walk, and that every time he contacted me it re-opened wounds and I still had nightmares about our horrible break up. He then blew up my phone over text, calls, instagram, and facebook with 'Baby?' and 'Please?' over and over. The next day I told him I cared about him very much and want him to be happy, but I can't have him contact me again. I've moved past this quite a bit emotionally and mentally, and while it hurts, I know what this person is capable of and don't want it near me again. We, clearly, bring out the worst in eachother.

[WombatShadow]

I know this has to hurt, but judging from everything you've written about him this is for the best. This relationship as written was the very definition of toxic.