I got my answer

[ocean9]

I was doing 'no contact', but it didn't feel quite right. She called me, asked to visit, I agreed, she brought me little presents because she wanted to make up for our time apart, we ended up holding hands, kissing, hugging, and ultimately in bed cuddling yet again! (she initiates this every time!) Then suddenly she had to leave when she checked the clock. I was like, wtf? So many freakin' mixed messages from this woman! ...blah, blah, blah. Anyway, we hugged and kissed goodbye, and she asked to see me again on Thursday. I agreed. I thought things were looking up a bit, y'know. I called her Wednesday to make sure our plans were still on. I left a message, she never called back. This morning I got some lame email. To paraphrase, she is just "so busy" with work she hardly has time for her boyfriend (so the new guy is now her *&$%# boyfriend! WTF?) and she doesn't have a lot of time for me and her other friends. She wanted to see, she is so sorry, but, but, but, blah, blah, blah..you get the picture. Oh, ya, and she wrote that she really loves me. Ya, right! I sure do feel loved! I didn't respond to her email.

 

It's like I'm LAST on her list, and clearly I have friend status now, she has me on the same level as her other friends...wtf is that about? This is NOT what her actions have been telling me. (women don't generally kiss, hold hands, and cuddle with friends, do they? am I missing something here?)

 

Anyway, I got my answer. This wasn't what I wanted, so I have to deal with this now. I feel like she played me for a lovesick fool!

 

I think I'll be hanging out with you guys now! At least for a little while...while I get over this!

[hockeyboy]

put it this way. if that guy is her boyfriend, she was cheating on him, that makes her a cheater. you know you can do better then her, right?

 

ask yourself this and spend time and be honest....should the greatest love in your life make you feel this much pain?

 

my take..NO and that fact that she does leads me to conclude she is not your greatest love, rather just a practice love...so you can learn all the tools to make it all work...when you do find that real love or better put...when it finds you.

 

for your own sake...dont go back when she comes calling again...i learned that the hard way.

[codaaurora]

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like she is using you. More than likely she does love you or atleast care about you in her own little way, but not enough to make you the only one in her life. She may be doing what she can to keep you interested as a back up (I hate to say it but yes, women do that).

 

You need to show her that you are not the safe and dependable guy who will be around when her boyfriend is out with the guys or not available to her. I know this is so hard when the other person is giving you the "signals" that you want, but if they aren't backing it up with actions and words than all those signals are nothing but smoke. I'm going through the same thing myself. Everytime my ex gets lonely or dumped, he starts calling me again. It felt so good each time because I was blind to the reason why he was doing it, each time, I thought because of his "signals" that there was hope and we were headed somewhere. But really, he was lonely and knew that I would be there to fill that void and make him laugh and enjoy life like only I can.

 

Well, I'm taking that away from him. With the courage and support that I have gained here, I hope to succeed. You can too! Institute NC. Come here and write to one of us when you feel the need to call her or answer her calls or allow her to come over. Keep an online Journal here, let the rest of us share in what your going through and help you get through it. Get out with friends, treat yourself to a movie or a new book, do whatever you like to do. Keep busy is the best advice.

 

But also, don't ignore you pain either, that's not healthy. Lean into your pain, own it, but in appropriate times or places. Set aside time to think about the situation and try to see it for what it is. Ask advice here. Cry.

 

This is what I'm doing now, and I think it's working. Try it for yourself. And Good Luck!

[vhshowdown]

At this point in time for you ocean9, it is mind games!! We have got to learn to play their game, and beat them at it, i swear!! They are confused, and dont know exactly what they want, and pull our strings to make them feel better about themselves or something!!

 

She will contact you again, you can rest assured of that. When she does, you have got to be prepared for your next move. It is almost like chess LOL

[codaaurora]

Way to go VHS!!

 

It's exactly like Chess! Ooooo Wizards Chess! As sometimes, we do get hurt (emotionally) so play your pieces carefully!

 

 

[hockeyboy]

Way to go VHS!!

 

It's exactly like Chess! Ooooo Wizards Chess! As sometimes, we do get hurt (emotionally) so play your pieces carefully!

 

 

 

WHY PLAY AT ALL???

[codaaurora]

Well Hockeyboy,

 

All life is a game if you think about it. Every decision you make is like a strategy to get you closer to whatever it is you want, a better job, a better car, a good relationship, to win the "game".

 

When she calls him, he needs to decide if he wants to take her call or not, to decide whether or not to call her back, to decide if he should EVER call her back, to decide that if he does call her back...what should he say and how should he say it, to decide if he is emotionally prepared to even deal with her right now.

 

These decisions are all like moving pieces accross a board. I believe the word "analogy" would suffice here.

[hockeyboy]

a good relationship, to win the "game".

 

a good relationship is not a game.

 

my point is that if he wants a good relationship he should ask himself, is this the one? should the love of your life really be causing so much pain and heartache?

 

those questions and what i answered to them is what made me move on from my ex. perhaps some will agree that if someone is causin us this much pain...then they arent our BEST love out there.

[vhshowdown]

Well Hockeyboy,

 

All life is a game if you think about it. Every decision you make is like a strategy to get you closer to whatever it is you want, a better job, a better car, a good relationship, to win the "game".

 

When she calls him, he needs to decide if he wants to take her call or not, to decide whether or not to call her back, to decide if he should EVER call her back, to decide that if he does call her back...what should he say and how should he say it, to decide if he is emotionally prepared to even deal with her right now.

 

These decisions are all like moving pieces accross a board. I believe the word "analogy" would suffice here.

 

I agree with you coda. Our head tells us one thing, and our heart tells us something else. Which are you going to follow?? Either way a move or decision has to be made here. Contact or NC, it is still a decision.

 

 

What do they say, luck or chance favors the prepared mind.... So you have to be ready for the next move, whatever it may be....

[ocean9]

Thanks everyone.

I never thought of it like chess...I'm not much for that game really. LOL!

I guess you could say my "next move" is to ignore her email!

Yes, I know, she will contact me again...she always does.

[hockeyboy]

if you go through love as a game your bound to get hurt.

 

most people look at what im doing and say im doing NC. I'm not though. True, im not contacting her...but theres no hidden agenda, no secrets about it. i just dont want to...its what will make me feel best. i think to many people choose to either keep in contact or do no contact as part of a game to try to be with that person and you shouldnt have to try so hard if its true love...your best love out there

[ocean9]

hockey,

 

hey man, I totally agree with you...I don't like playing games either...but the reality is, whether I see it as a game or not, she is playing a game (whether or not she is consciously aware of that, I have no idea)

 

when her life sucks, she comes running to me...and so far, I've been there...but I am not happy about that...I feel like a sucker, y'know? I don't want to put my life on hold anymore

 

I think that if I respond to her email, that sends the message to her that I am willing to be treated like this...that I willing to be used, that I am okay with these crumbs she tosses my way, that I am okay with her VERY mixed messages...and I don't want to send that message anymore (I realize that my actions have pretty much condoned her behavior towards me)

 

the right one for me would not treat me like this, I know that for sure!

[vhshowdown]

NC could be considered part of the game. I personally dont think it is. I use it to gather myself and reflect, more than anything else. True love should come easy, but that is not always the case. If we live in a perfect world, not a problem. Problem is we dont live in a perfect world.

 

There are alot of factors to consider, I think. If you hurt someone, not intentionally, or we make mistakes, or we are afraid of getting hurt, and vice versa, etc... then love can be very hard. Do you not offer a second chance?? Some of us can, others cant. Some people we feel are worth it, others are not worth the effort.

 

Eventually, ocean, I think you should confront her with what she is doing, and see what her response is then. Not so much you are hurting me, etc... but more that you are playing with peoples emotions, thisnk about it.... or something like that..

 

Its not always roses, love bites, love sucks, love hurts!!

[ocean9]

vhs,

 

I've had that talk with her a few times...she explains everything, cries (a lot), asks me to be patient, says she is trying, I could go on and on. She always has an excuse (or several excuses) for her behavior...but I've noticed that she keeps making excuses, and nothing is really changing. Her most recent email was a string of excuses. I'm tired of hearing the excuses. If she really wanted me, she'd be here with me, not off with some other guy. Her words don't match her actions. She says one thing, then turns around and does another. I can just imagine what she tells the other guy. Damn, it would probably break my heart to hear it

[codaaurora]

if you go through love as a game your bound to get hurt.

 

Yes, this is true, but I wasn't saying for him to treat love like a game or even life like one. It's an ANALOGY.

 

The Game of Life. This is an old saying and a TRUE one. We are all pieces in a game, making decisions. And that is all a true game is, making decisions. Some play to win, other's play for the fun of it, some play to spite others, some play to learn new things. But play should not be taken as the childish word of "Play", but rather as to another meaning of Life and Living.

 

So, lets say it again. No, I do not think that love is a "game" in which to play with others emotions/lives. Yes, I think it is LIKE a game in all sense of the word ANALOGY.

 

But I do agree with you that some people will use NC to help them win the other person back or in the hopes of it. I am using NC righ now as well. However, I am using it for a number of reasons. To give myself time to heal and decide what I want as a person. To give myself space and to learn to be alone again. To give HIM a chance to see what not having me in his life is like and whether this is important to him or not. If we should get back together, excellent! If not, I have accomplished part of my goal, to heal.

[hockeyboy]

she is playing a game

let her play alone...let her see how much fun that is.

 

 

the right one for me would not treat me like this, I know that for sure!

if you truly mean that...stop wasting your time with her. do you really mean it, believe it?

[ocean9]

stop wasting your time with her. do you really mean it, believe it?

 

I am starting to believe it. I'm starting to see her excuses as excuses.

I don't want to believe it though...do you know what I mean?

I feel really dissappointed with her right now.

[vhshowdown]

It hurts that people cant be honest with us. But I think part of it is that they arent being honest with themselves. Ive heard every excuse in the book myself!! It sucks.

 

Just keep your distance for awhile, & take care of yourself ocean... I feel your pain bro....

[ocean9]

thanks vhs

[codaaurora]

The best thing that you can do for yourself and is to keep your distance and give yourself time to heal. This will also give her time to get her mind clear and see what it is that she WANTS instead of NEEDS (like instant gratification).

 

Good Luck and remember, we're all going through it and are here for you.

[ocean9]

coda,

 

I agree that we need to give ourselves time. I need to clear my head for sure! I need to give my heart a rest too!

[lady00]

Wow...she sounds pretty selfish. If I were you, I would just distance myselfa as much as possible...delete her number from your cell phone etc. She doesn't deserve to have you around and she's cheating on her bf and can't even see that. I feel bad for her bf too because he probably trusts her and thinks she has been faithful. She's not worth your time.

[hockeyboy]

I am starting to believe it. I'm starting to see her excuses as excuses.

I don't want to believe it though...do you know what I mean?

I feel really dissappointed with her right now.

 

im glad your starting to believe it. however...when you truly believe it you should feel good in a lot of way. i mean...at that point you should realize that you dont want her rather then you want her but cant have her. you will start to look for the future rather then the past. i understand your disappointment...because you thought she was something she is not...but at least once you know shes not what your looking for...you can go look for or it or better yet, be willing to accept it when it comes and finds you

[cloe]

I'm sorry for my ignorance if someone has already said this, but I didn't see it.

 

It sure sounds like she's giving you just enough to keep you in her power.

 

She is probably scared to let you go because you symbolize comfort and reality to her. But it's not fair to you since you have feelings for her.

 

It's so easy to say, so hard to do, but move on. It's OK to be single. And it's OK to date, without looking for a mate. Decide what your limits are; maybe you don't have sex or spend too many hours/too many dates a week (so as to be careful not to just fall into another relationship) but go out there, rediscover yourself. That way if she does come back to you, you will be a better person and ready to accept her or whoever, into your life.

 

I hope you are able to do what's right for you; whatever that is and know that whatever your decision, it's ultimately yours and it's OK. Even if others disagree. Just try not to compromise yourself, you deserve real love, like the love you have for her.

[vhshowdown]

"It sure sounds like she's giving you just enough to keep you in her power."

 

I agree with this. Last time we were together, I told my EX that her actions are speaking louder than her words, and that I go by her actions more than what she says. So i got her thinking a little bit. Then a little bit later on I said something, and her reply was "because I love you. But those are just words arent they!"

 

So, maybe sometimes people dont realize what they are doing, hurting us, etc... I am sure we are guilty of it ourselves at some point in our past as well....