My first visit

[Unluckyinlove]

Not really sure what to say. I'm 47 years old and have been divorced for three years. In the past three years I have dated alot but have not let anybody get close.

Well, a couple of months ago I met somebody that I immediately became enamored with. This person was everything I could have wanted. We hit if off quickly and spent every free moment together. Two weeks ago I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me and we had a great weekend.

The following week I could tell something was wrong. She wasn't telling me anymore when I was telling her. To make a long story short, she broke if off with me last night. I am really reeling. She told me she cares for me very much but that she is not in love and would not ever be. If I had said nothing I we would be sailing merrily along, but I blew it. I thought she felt the same. Her actions, the affection we showed all pointed to her loving me. She told me she wouldn't disrespect my feelings for her by letting this continue when she did not feel the same. The thing that hurts is that we REALLY like each other. We consider each other to be very good friends. We could and did talk about everything. She would like to stay friends but that is up to me. I don't think I can do it right now if ever, yet I dont' want to lose her completely.

We both agreed that the time we spent the last 7 weeks was amazing and that we would both cherish that time, but she could not rewind the clock knowing how I felt. I feel that if I had not said anything that she would have down the road felt the same, but that is probably just wishful thinking.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. More than anything I just kind of needed to put my thoughts down and try to deal with my emotions. I feel numb right now. Some may say it was only 7 weeks, but what a 7 weeks it was, and really what an amazing woman she is. At my age you kind of feel like there won't be another one out there as special. I hope there is.

[Beec]

Welcome. Hope you stick around.

 

First thing I would do is try to stay away. Contact with someone who recently dumped you is rarely positive. Staying away keeps you from being hurt more, it give you space to heal. It also prevents you from begging, pleading or otherwise chasing her, which would really be you chasing her away.

 

Good luck. I did send you a pm. Check your messages.

[Unluckyinlove]

I checked my pm and will look into it. I know I can't be around for her, it will only drag this thing on.

I have had friends basically tell me the same thing. I was too available and too giving of my emotions.

I don't think there is anything I can do in the long term to get her where I want her. Of course I am pretty down right now so I don't know.

It isn't like this was a bitter break up. I told her I loved her and she decided to run. A good friend of hers told me last night via email before we split, that this woman did feel the same as I, but that she was scared and needed time. Guess she was wrong.

Again, I will look into what you messaged me about. I would like to give her some space to think about things but she seemed pretty adament last night that I couldn't undo what I had said.

Thanks again and I will be in touch.

[Mun]

Well, a couple of months ago I met somebody that I immediately became enamored with

 

That fast huh?

 

It's as beec said, chasing is not going to help you now.

I think your best bet now is to leave her alone. If it's as her friend says and she needs time, give it to her, don't stick around though. Sometimes when we realize we are losing something good, we forget our fears.

 

Take care of yourself now. I hope you feel better soon.

[Unluckyinlove]

The chemistry was immediate. Our senses of humor, personalities, attraction, you name it was there from the get go.

What was to be a Friday night date turned into an entire weekend of making love and talking, about everything. She had gone through the same type of divorce as me, our spouses cheated. We had/have a lot in common. It was just very comfortable for both of us. She felt safe with me, and me with her.

I agree, I am going to leave her alone. I am going crazy now, but I know I can't contact her in any way. We parted very friendly, we hugged, kissed and she told me that I was the last person she ever wanted to hurt.

Her friend is also mine and she has kept me posted on where this woman was intitially has been right on every time about her.

What she told me last night is that she does love me but isn't IN love and never would be. Seems as though she came to that conclussion rather quickly considering what she had said before. If she is indeed scared I'm prepared to give her all the space and time she needs while trying to move on.

I just have a gut feeling though that it's not about being scared, it's about not feeling the way I feel.

It's funny, well maybe not, but she said that if I had not said anything that she was more than happy in the relationship and wanted it to continue on it's course. Three words and it's over? Color me stupid.

Thanks for the kind words. I have a good support system which is helping. This forum is allowing me to put into words in a very therapuetic way, my emotions.

Great poem by the way, thank you!

[Mun]

but she said that if I had not said anything that she was more than happy in the relationship and wanted it to continue on it's course.

 

I kinda know what that means. You saying you loved her and her not being ready for it kind of killed the romance. You're not crazy or anything like that... it's just human behavior in a sense.

 

We want to wonder a bit where things are going...not have everything spelled out in front of us.. this way we dream a little...we wonder what is going on in the other person's mind and we get hooked. (and if you don't believe that just look around the forum at all the "what is he thinking" //" what does this mean" topics) We move slowly and we get to discover the person bit by bit and either fall in love or figure out they are not right for us.

 

Make any sense ? Just something I thought you could use for next time. A little mystery is a good thing.

 

Now the question is.. when is the right time to say "I love you" >>?? As we get older we move faster... so I understand how things just moved along so quickly that you felt the time was right. She just wasn't moving at your pace.

 

Did I confuse you? cuz I think I just confused myself.

[Unluckyinlove]

Is it beyond repair? I think it is done. I can stay away, see if she misses me etc., but I don't think there is anything I can do.

My friend suggested checking in with her in a few weeks and see about going out. Laura (not real) said she would still see me on a friendship basis. That just tells me she is done and ready to move on. Anyway, she teaches yoga and I was going to her classes and he suggested I go in a few weeks, say "hi" and leave, not pursue her, but show her that I still wanted her, then maybe follow up with a lunch, or dinner and not touch or pursue any kind of physical contact and see if she does. I think that is a waste of my time to be honest. I'm not a quitter and I'm not quite satisfied with the way this went down. I don't know that you ever are.

I think what you say about mystery has a lot of merit, and I know we were doing very well until the "L" word popped out of my mouth. I just wish now she hadn't said it back. For a day and a half, I was the happieset man on the planet. We made terrific love that night and Sunday. She was showing no signs of regretting what I said or what she said. I know not everything is as black and white as I'm spelling it out, but the reality is, we were GREAT until I said what I said, I have no doubts about that. I may be naive about some things, but at my advanced age I know this relationship was going down a good path.

Muneca, as a woman I value and appreciate your feedback. Have I lost her for good?

I really want to talk to our mutual friend tonight and get some feedback. She was sure my gal loved me but just needed some time. I'd like to know how she came up with that. If it's just something she felt or if my gal said something.

This sucks! Some moments I do well and others I can't hardly breathe.

This forum is great for letting the words just flow from my fingers!!

[Mun]

I have never liked getting third persons involved. Many times they have their own agenda : their way of seeing things, what they think is "right" for you. Use your judgement... but if you still want to ask her then at least wait a few days. Your ex might contact her first and you would get more feedback.

 

Continue to move forward.

 

I think that the only good reason to drop by her work is if she contacts you, etc. Otherwise I think it might look too "pushy" for you to persue her when she is not having anything to do with you anymore.

 

You seem very sensible, I'm sure you will figure it out.

[Luciana]

Unlucky, I feel your pain.

As a woman from your generation and who was divorced and on the dating 40's scene, this is what I think might have happened:

 

1) She lost interest in you because you showed neediness and clinginess too soon. Women love mysterious men in the beginning, they also like the challenge. They see men who act too desperate as weak. Women like "bad boys" it seems. So you looked less attractive to her. Your backing out now and NOT calling her will make her wonder...

 

2) She might have seen in you after a while a deal breaker. You may have said or done something that made her worry about staying with you. People have different deal breakers.

 

3) She might be still reeling for another guy. Sometimes people are not honest about still having feelings for some unfinished business in their recent past. They lead you on because they want a back up. WOmen do that sometimes. Maybe this man contacted her again and she couldn't tell you because she was unsure.

 

4) Maybe she felt no real skin deep attraction to you. Just lack of chemisty. Women need that sense of smell, his hands, stuff like that that make her turned on. So maybe the chemisty was just not there for her. I have been guilty of seeing guys that I was not attracted to (and never would). Of course these relationships didn't last long.

 

Don't dwell on it too much. I am just seeing several possible scenarios. She was just not into you, even though it looked like that. Try to get busy and surround yourself with your support system. Do not call her. Join a dating website and start going out on new dates (but please be nice to the women).

 

Let us know if she comes back or how long it will take you to get over her. Thank god you didn't waste 6 years of your time, but 6 weeks!

[Luciana]

chemistry!

[Unluckyinlove]

1. Very possible.

2. I said I loved her, deal breaker it seems.

3. Possible, an ex of hers would call occasionaly. She was honest about that. He's long distance so that has no chance to succeed, but I could tell by the way she talked he mattered at one time.

4. I know this is my ego talking, but the chemistry was there. The way we touched, carressed, made love, it was there.

 

I'll try not to dwell on it, but how can I not at this point. It's like going through my divorce all over and the inadaquacies I felt.

It's very possible that bottom line, she was not into me. She said she gave it a lot of thought and to her, she would never fall in love with me so why lead me on and hurt me more later?

Perhaps that's true, perhaps it's part copout. Either way I think the handwriting is on the wall and there is nothing I can do that will change her mind. I don't think one can play these little games to manipulate her feelings back towards me. If someone has any experience in this I'd sure like to hear about it.

[Beec]

Unlucky, I feel your pain.

As a woman from your generation and who was divorced and on the dating 40's scene, this is what I think might have happened:

 

1) She lost interest in you because you showed neediness and clinginess too soon. Women love mysterious men in the beginning, they also like the challenge. They see men who act too desperate as weak. Women like "bad boys" it seems. So you looked less attractive to her. Your backing out now and NOT calling her will make her wonder...

 

2) She might have seen in you after a while a deal breaker. You may have said or done something that made her worry about staying with you. People have different deal breakers.

 

All four of Luciana's possibilities might be right, but the above are the most likely, it seems to me, and really the first one. From the first description, it seemed like you said the "love" words numerous times after the first one came out. That seemed to me to indicate that this was likely. Back off for now.

 

If you do want to try again, you need to try again based on how she feels and how she reacts to various things. Some women may react well to you showing up at her class, others won't. She amy or may not, and how you did it may affect that too.

[Unluckyinlove]

She didn't close the door on us seeing each other on a "friends" basis. We had planned a hike in the near future and she said to call sometime if I still wanted her to go. Just being nice perhaps?

Scenario one is very likely. Once I said it, it was a nautural thing to tell her as it felt good. She said she liked hearing it, go figure.

At this point I don't want to show up at Yoga, or anything else for that matter, it would just hurt, and I don't know when it wouldn't. I want to be some sort of friend to her in the future. What is missing here, is that we still care for each other, or that she "cares for me deeply" her words. Is it BS? could be, but I don't think so. I don't think she wants me out of her life, but that decision is mine right now. We could call and talk to each other about anything. I get emotional about things so perhaps I came accross as weak to her on occasion. But one thing she told me last night when I was mentioning that I should have done some of the things you all have mentioned. She said "don't change" "be yourself" "you are wonderful" and you don't have to play the game"

One of the last things she said was that I was wonderful and that I am everything she is looking for, but that something was missing. I don't think it was missing until I said the "L" word. As I said previously, she liked where this relationship was going, and had I not said that I loved her, we would still be friends, dating, making love, everything we were doing before yesterday.

[just jeff]

Unluckyinlove,

 

Welcome to the board; I am older than you…and I have learned that love and relationships do not know age boundaries. I'm not in your shoes…I have been dating since Sept/Oct of last year….

 

My heart resides in Texas (ex)....my ex begged me to date…see what's out there. She said in order for us to have a chance I needed to do that…and what a wonderful man I am and how the women will go wild. Great esteem booster.

 

So I started dating…and going to dances and parties; met some intriguing women. One such woman was a Dr…age 44 and widowed. We seemed to have a lot in common; our lifestyles…our love of fine wines. Long story short; I met her family, they thought I was perfect for her…we had nights filled with passion and days filled with fun.

 

After three weeks Michelle said "I love you Jeff"…out of the blue. I was taken aback…but said "love you too Mic" and we continued to date. She knows I had baggage…that there was another woman who wasn't out of my mind and heart. Within a few more weeks she suggested I sell my home and she sell hers and we buy one together…hum….I wasn't keen on the idea and told her so…

 

We continued to date…finally as she continued to push for a commitment I told her nicely that she knew dating me was temporary…she said she did, but thought she could change all of that. She couldn't….was she wonderful, sexy, intelligent and just an all round great person? Absolutely…but was I in love with her? No…we stopped dating and calling…said we could still be friends…share special wines we found…but we haven't, nor do I expect us too…

 

How long would the relationship have gone on if she hadn't pushed? Most likely it still would be…she was a wonderful date and we had great times…traveling on the weekends...maybe that is all your ex (for want of a better word) is/was looking for…someone to fill the lonely void…comfort in the dark of night…

 

I have come to the opinion that people come in and out of our lives…some stay longer than others…some seek instant gratification and move on…so seek nothing more than a companion…I bought a dog recently just to walk the park and trails with…he keeps my mind occupied. I suggest you let it rest…she may have become frightened to have too deep of feelings for anyone…if she wants to be with you…she will let you know…

 

Good luck in your journey…..

[Unluckyinlove]

Thanks for the post Jeff,

 

You bring up some valid points. My gal did say at one time that her life was pretty full and that she was content after her divorce and a couple of relationships that didn't work.

I knew coming in that her plate was full and that I would just add to that. Yes it could be that the companioinship is what she is/was looking for and that I filled that for her quite nicely. Then all I do is mess it up with telling her I loved her. I'd like to think as I've said before that had I not said anything that down the road she would have found in me what I found in her. I have a feeling that is unlikely though.

You are right, people come and go in this journey. She is one that regardless of what has happened, for a brief moment, really made my life shine, and the time we spent will be a memory that I'll not forget.

I do see the parrallels in our relationships Jeff. I wonder now if my lady has some unfinished business with the relationship she had before me and if that is part of why she backed off after the love comment?

Like you and your lady I suspect me and mine will not see each other again and that hurts. This is a small area that we live in and we work for the same place albeit in different locations. I'm sure we will see each other again and I at least hope that the affection we have for each other will still be there and that we can hug and be friends still in that way.

Thanks again Jeff, great post.

[Luciana]

Unlucky, there is nothing worse than running into someone you still have feelings for. Lucky are those who live distant from each other and can remain that way.

 

I hate to be the negative one here, but I am very sarcastic about relationships. WHy would this woman want to lose a man who showed so much enthusiasm for?

So, my strongest suspicion is that she is still emotionally involved with someone and still has hopes it will work.

I wouldn't be surprised if you found out she was dating someone soon.

Women don't let a wonderful man who they had great S with disappear!

Unless...there is someone out there who they are obsessed with...someone who wasn't so good to them but with who they have a sick bond with...I have seen many stories like that.

So it may be one of the other options, but my practical heart is telling me her heart already had the busy signal when you met her....

 

Let me tell you my story:

 

My BF (who I loved) and I broke up many years ago. I did not know if we were going to make up or not. He was the one who took the initiative and I was furious with him. So I met another guy after a few weeks, who was a very nice person. He was also smart, tall, classy and treated me very well. I went out with him twice. The third time I went out with him is when my BF was showing interest in me again. So I dropped the nice guy like a hot potato. I felt bad, but we weren't really dating yet. To this day I wonder if I left a real gem behind.

 

That's why I say to people to wait until their heart is available to date someone. It's a good thing to be alone for a while, feel the pain and then be ready.

Anyhow, we don't know if this is the case here, but I just have the nagging feeling it might be.

[Luciana]

Another mysterious reason women dump a guy who they seemed to like:

 

 

When they think they can do better.

When they are pretty, they think they can find a guy with money, a successful guy,a guy with toys. it is awful how this is happening frequently in our comsumist society. I have heard men complain to me that the first thing women ask them in social situations is "What do you do"?

So she can automatically put him in the loser or winner category. Will he be able to take her to exotic tropical trips? Will he be able to give her that Tiffany's ring she can show off? Does he drive an A-level car? Etc, etc.

Even women who do make their own money and are not dependant ona guy to take them to nice restaurants want a guy like that! So the nice guys with lot's of love to offer and little money suffer an unfair expectation from women.

The above average in looks one know they've got the power.There are too many American women who are overweight and don't care for their appearance, so the ones who are pretty and slim have this attitude "I can get a rich man".

I have no idea if this relates to your case but I have seen this happen a lot, especially in my Washington DC power craving area.

[Unluckyinlove]

Luciana,

 

Responding to both posts. Yes my gal is VERY pretty but she is so not caught up in that. The material things while nice I don't think was a factor in our breaking up. I asked about that when we met and I asked again when she broke it off. So no, I make enough money, and I am good enough looking and the love making was wonderful.

To your other point though. Yes, there may be some sick longing for a guy she knows it will not work out with. I asked her about it not long after we started dating. He's fairly prominent in what he does and lives far enough away and has a profession that is extremely time consuming. That is the reason she broke it off with him. Now based on what little she mentioned him, I could still see by the way she talked there was still some affection there even though she said it wouldn't work. He was younger, wanted kids and she was done with that. Still I couldn't help but feel the affection. Now was she far enough removed? perhaps not. Throw in everything I did so soon and it does sound like a recipe for the relationship going sideways.

Now that you mention it, in addition to her fear factor that I know exists, her possible attachment to this guy could be part of the equation. He called one evening while I was there and she was out. I didnt' bring it up but all she had to do was check the caller ID when she got back to know he called. She was upfrong about him still calling occasionaly, but she said it was over. Well I guess if he's still calling, it's not over for him.

Thanks for the added perspective. This was something I was a little incomfortable with, but wasn't going to push. She said it was over so I took her word for it. Now that you bring it up though, I wouldn't be surprised at all if this wasn't a factor, one that I honestly had thought about but didn't want to believe nor bring up.