She flirty texted another guy and kissed him

[Edmund Exley]

Dump her. Anyone who kisses another while in a relationship with you needs to go. Learn that now while you are young. Some things are deal breakers.

[foolish1985]

I personally would let this one slide, but make her work for it. Show her that this is not cool and she needs to communicate if she has issues, and not just run to someone else for whatever is lacking. If she does it again - she is out. People do make foolish things.

 

But I am also 10 years older than you and I've been there at your age. I know that there is a very high chance that this girl will not be the last one in your life, regardless of the feelings you have for her now. I also know that as priorities shift in life with age, people's hidden emotions and not-so-nice personal traits surface. But I know that and you do not. Unless you experience it yourself p, you will not know it, where it is good for you to.

 

Bottom line: I let it slide this time. Make myself clear about my stance in the relationship. If she does something similar again, I bite the bullet and let her go do whatever she wants.

[heartbreak7]

Thank you both for you're response, i wish it was as black and white as to just be able to cut her if you asked me a couple of years ago what would i do i would have just left, but i really do want to give her a second chance, allow her to make amends, but maybe a few months i may look back and regret doing that, but i feel foolish you are right, i need to sit down with her and make it clear that if it ever happens again there wont be another go, and that she has to work hard to earn the trust back she has lost, but atm i have no idea how i go about doing that

[Edmund Exley]

I personally would let this one slide, but make her work for it. Show her that this is not cool and she needs to communicate if she has issues, and not just run to someone else for whatever is lacking. If she does it again - she is out. People do make foolish things.

 

But I am also 10 years older than you and I've been there at your age. I know that there is a very high chance that this girl will not be the last one in your life, regardless of the feelings you have for her now. I also know that as priorities shift in life with age, people's hidden emotions and not-so-nice personal traits surface. But I know that and you do not. Unless you experience it yourself p, you will not know it, where it is good for you to.

 

Bottom line: I let it slide this time. Make myself clear about my stance in the relationship. If she does something similar again, I bite the bullet and let her go do whatever she wants.

 

While I understand what Foolish is saying here, here's the problem with that. Now you learn paranoia. You will always wonder who she is kissing next and this will teach you some poor relationship behaviors around trust that you may carry on to the next relationship.

[Edmund Exley]

Or for the rest of your life for that matter. Almost every person I know who is an obsessed control freak is that way because some person broke their trust twice.

[foolish1985]

While I understand what Foolish is saying here, here's the problem with that. Now you learn paranoia. You will always wonder who she is kissing next and this will teach you some poor relationship behaviors around trust that you may carry on to the next relationship.

 

And thus the gathering of the emotional baggage begins..

Unfortunately, it happens to all of us. I see what you are saying here Edmund. You have a point, but there is not really a way of avoiding this. It has happened once and the paranoia will be there with his next relationship to some extend. It is up to him to control it. I think that now is the time for things to happen, while his social circle is bigger and it will be easier for him to go out, have fun and meet new potential partners that will appreciate him. If he doesn't do this, he will always regret not doing it, because as we both can see, he does lean towards giving her a second chance and wants to make it work.

 

The girl will not let it go either. She will start chasing, apologizing, making promises and OP will budge in eventually.

 

I would choose a possible paranoia trait over lifetime regret but that's just me. Regret is what I am scared of most.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wish you all the best with her, and the amount of times i've broke down because of it is too high! like i believe i could forgive a kiss, its just my worry that there could be more too it

 

You could "forgive a kiss?" Really??

[heartbreak7]

Edmund i completely understand what you're saying and normally i'd be saying the same thing as yourself i really would!! but i dunno for some reason i'm going to give her a chance, sometimes guys you have to follow your instinct over your brain

[Edmund Exley]

And thus the gathering of the emotional baggage begins..

Unfortunately, it happens to all of us. I see what you are saying here Edmund. You have a point, but there is not really a way of avoiding this. It has happened once and the paranoia will be there with his next relationship to some extend. It is up to him to control it. I think that now is the time for things to happen, while his social circle is bigger and it will be easier for him to go out, have fun and meet new potential partners that will appreciate him. If he doesn't do this, he will always regret not doing it, because as we both can see, he does lean towards giving her a second chance and wants to make it work.

 

The girl will not let it go either. She will start chasing, apologizing, making promises and OP will budge in eventually.

 

I would choose a possible paranoia trait over lifetime regret but that's just me. Regret is what I am scared of most.

 

Which is why its better to learn self respect at a ripe young age than to be stepped on a few times. Its really not hard to not kiss, text, or have sex with another person. People do it cause they can, and because they think they can get away with it.

 

Just how I have always lived.

 

I had a girl cheat on me with her ex when I was 19. I learned right then and there how bad it hurt to be cheated on and no way in hell was I going to allow someone who hurt me like that to ever hurt me twice. I make it clear at the beginning of relationships that cheating of any form is and will always be a deal breaker. Then there is no confusion when it happens and I commence to curb kicking. Never had to live in fear or jealousy. You want to cheat, go ahead. I'll move on. Plenty of people who wont hurt you out there.

[heartbreak7]

Heartgoeson normally i couldn't forgive a kiss but after everything me and her have been though, the right she has done for me out weighs it! and foolish you're right i do want to make it work with her, and i know i'm going to have a certain degree of paronia now, but i'm a confident guy and i do get attention when out but this is the girl i chose to be with, and i feel like i have to so that at least in the future i can i say i tried and that i dont regret it!!

[Edmund Exley]

There is actually a sense of comfort that comes with knowing that if some you love chooses to cheat on you that you will let them go, because it alleviates the need to feel insecurity and jealousy. When my wife and I started dating, and with her coming from a controlling marriage with an insecure man, she was a little surprised by my ability to trust without question because I was secure enough to know if she hurt me she was gone. She founf it kind of uncaring. Now she understands and admires that sort of confidence and respect for my own self esteem.

[Edmund Exley]

Heartgoeson normally i couldn't forgive a kiss but after everything me and her have been though, the right she has done for me out weighs it! !!

 

Doesn't outweigh it to her. Didn't keep her from carrying on with another dude.

[foolish1985]

.. because as we both can see, he does lean towards giving her a second chance and wants to make it work.

 

but i dunno for some reason i'm going to give her a chance, sometimes guys you have to follow your instinct over your brain

 

Called it!

 

Go do what you feel best man. Just have in mind that the possibility of you looking back to this topic in time and confessing to yourself "they told me so" is quite high in this scenario.

 

Just make sure you don't let her go that easy. People will test your boundaries and if you fail to set them, they will walk over you. If you let her go easy this time, expect a similar scenario in a month or two.

 

As I said, people make mistakes for a plethora of reason. But you need to make those people realize the damage they could have done and decide for themselves if it is worth it. If she herself decides that it is not worth it and does it a second time - it is not your fault. You gave her a chance. Go to the Infidelity section of the forum and see how people deal with cases much worse than yours. You can take up some of the advice.

 

I have been one of those people and the person did not forgive me, unlike you.

I knew why I was doing it. I know that it was the worst I could do. I live with this for the past 5 years and will maybe live with it for a lot more.

 

Don't let yourself be sucked into the jealousy/stalking/controlling game and make it a part of yourself. It's not fun and why would you need someone in your life that you can't trust enough to go to the store alone (objectively speaking)?

[Edmund Exley]

And if you do choose to forgive and forget, make sure you do just that. You dont get to stay with her and hold it over her head for the rest of the relationship, or your life. Because I assure you, sooner or later she will walk away from you for it, and you will be the one hurt again.

[heartbreak7]

I in another relationship would have been the exact same as yourself edmund, but my instincts are drawing me to give a second chance, and honestly i wish i didnt want to try, but im drawn to her! i didnt mention this and i know it maybe doesn't make a difference, but her mum rang me last night saying her daughter had been crying all day, saying she made a terrible mistake and saying that she relised that i was the one she wanted to be with, her mum never encouraged me to stay with her just to think carefully about my decision, her mums husband had left her for another woman, so she could relate to the situation

[heartbreak7]

foolish and edmund i really appreciate you're conversation, its not easy to deal with, considering she was the girl who'd take the piss to my mates saying how'd we'd get married, maybe one day i might look back on this as a lesson in life, or maybe i'll look back and be thankful i give the second chance!

[foolish1985]

And if you do choose to forgive and forget, make sure you do just that. You dont get to stay with her and hold it over her head for the rest of the relationship, or your life. Because I assure you, sooner or later she will walk away from you for it, and you will be the one hurt again.

 

This is the worst!!! This is what the girl I cheated on did for three months before we broke up completely, when she found out. She was so hurt and confused, that she could just not let it go. She was using the "you cheated" argument in every scenario, regardless of the topic of conversation.

 

"Please don't slam the door of the car"

"Well, at least I did not slam another man"

 

"Why are you texting with this guy so much?"

"At least I am not sleeping with him"

 

I wanted to make it right, I really did. I stopped contact with the other girl and gave all my attention to my then-gf. I was open with my communication of any sort. She wanted access to something - she got it (I usually do not allow that because I consider it lack of trust). I just wanted to gain her trust again. But this constant nagging was making me walk on egg shells around her. I regretted every time I said something even remotely negative. "This dress does not look good on you", for example. I seriously prefer that she had ended it then and there, when she found out. The following 3 months were a torture for both of us. Don't do that.

[Edmund Exley]

This is the worst!!! This is what the girl I cheated on did for three months before we broke up completely, when she found out. She was so hurt and confused, that she could just not let it go. She was using the "you cheated" argument in every scenario, regardless of the topic of conversation.

 

"Please don't slam the door of the car"

"Well, at least I did not slam another man"

 

"Why are you texting with this guy so much?"

"At least I am not sleeping with him"

 

I wanted to make it right, I really did. I stopped contact with the other girl and gave all my attention to my then-gf. I was open with my communication of any sort. She wanted access to something - she got it (I usually do not allow that because I consider it lack of trust). I just wanted to gain her trust again. But this constant nagging was making me walk on egg shells around her. I regretted every time I said something even remotely negative. "This dress does not look good on you", for example. I seriously prefer that she had ended it then and there, when she found out. The following 3 months were a torture for both of us. Don't do that.

 

Exactly. Its that eternal ace in the hole. Its almost human nature to play it.

[Edmund Exley]

foolish and edmund i really appreciate you're conversation, its not easy to deal with, considering she was the girl who'd take the piss to my mates saying how'd we'd get married, maybe one day i might look back on this as a lesson in life, or maybe i'll look back and be thankful i give the second chance!

 

You're young lad, and honestly, this one probably will dissolve of its own fruition. You will most likely feel for 2-3 other young ladies what you feel for this one before you find the one you marry.

[heartbreak7]

so tomorrow if i have a chat with her, what types of things should i be saying to her??? and i am willing to forgive and forget it all, and not mention it again, allow it to be a distant memory in our darkest chapter!

[and so it goes]

People mess up, people get carried away. If you value the relationship then you'll forgive and move on - hopefully she will have learned a lesson. She does sound a little immature but (no offense) you guys probably both are. She has shown some signs (blocking on social media etc) of seeing the error of her ways and trying to put this behind her.

 

Soooo, forgive but don't forget.

[Edmund Exley]

so tomorrow if i have a chat with her, what types of things should i be saying to her??? and i am willing to forgive and forget it all, and not mention it again, allow it to be a distant memory in our darkest chapter!

 

You tell her that you are willing to put it away, but that there will be no more chances. Then you treat her as if it never happened. Are you able to do that?

[heartbreak7]

yea we are young and yea we both our immature, like i wont lie, i love it on a night out when girls give me attention, but i have always understood my boudaries! I am willing to forgive it and i will do my best to treat her like i did when i was trying to win her! Im going to lay the law down and say that there will be no more chances, but should i discuss with her what we can do to make us both happy, i dont want to appear weak by taking partial responsibly for her drifting but i do know if i had of been more attentive it may never have happened!

[foolish1985]

so tomorrow if i have a chat with her, what types of things should i be saying to her??? and i am willing to forgive and forget it all, and not mention it again, allow it to be a distant memory in our darkest chapter!

 

Taking partial responsibility is not weakness. It's maturity since you ARE responsible in a way. Only you know in what way though. It's up to you to decide whether to tell her that or not.

 

I would say, first tell her that you need time to think this through. Tell her that she hurt you and you can't spend time with her at this time, while thinking things over. Then go a week without contacting her and keeping distance. Don't ignore her! Just keep distance during conversations and don't initiate contact with her. Show her that her actions have consequences and you are thinking over your future together.

 

When you meet her in a week, just tell her that this will not be mentioned again, that your trust needs to be re-gained whatever it takes (don't abuse this privilege if it is given to you!), and that if it happens again, you will not be having this conversation a second time. Don't use the situation to gain benefit. Do not ask for social media/phone/personal computer access unless you really need to justify a suspicion of yours (if you have one after the talk). This is still intrusion of privacy, but privacy is something she gave up on when she decided to look around for other men and then come back to you. A lot of people may not agree with the FREE ACCESS part, but this is what I personally would ALLOW someone who's trust I wanted to regain. After all, there should be nothing there that you don't know of to begin with!

[Wiseman2]

Not true. Only drama queens resort to fake breakups and messing around behind your back if you happen to get busy at work or school. There are 10,000 other things she could have done such as talk to you, get busy with more elevated activities in her life etc. She's a hot mess so don't buy into her blame game.

i do know if i had of been more attentive it may never have happened!