So we broke up, but while I was breaking up with him his phone rang...

[Lisii]

Very true IThinkICan, It's ok, I need to move forward, today I feel better, I have had two very close gf's come over with wine and nibbles to keep me company. I was invited out, but not keen in venturing out into the big wide world yet.

 

Tomorrow I will pick up my boys from the airport and will be a bit more brave. (no more men for a while, I am going to work on myself and work on putting a stop to getting myself into these silly half baked relationships)

[Ms Darcy]

I really don't want to put you down here. Because you are here for help and I think ultimately you are not a bad person.

 

But there are some real problems with your thinking and your approach I feel cannot be ignored.

 

1. He's still married. There are the obvious moral and ethical questions of dating someone who's marriage is not actually over. But, more importantly, is the fact that the divorce process is soul crushing for anyone - even if "the marriage has been over for a long time." Human beings need the time and space to heal. What's worse, a lot of times people don't want to admit that to themselves. They are eager to date. And companionship (including sex) is one of the strongest human impulses there is. So they might "mean" well, but are truly no where near ready for a potentially long-term relationship.

 

2. His "white lie" was a significant lie. The fact that he lied to enable you to date him is pretty huge here. It's a major red flag actually. That again reinforces how he really needs time alone to sort himself out financially and emotionally with this separation/divorce process. But he prioritized getting some physical intimacy over honesty.

 

3. You let him know upfront that you are of low value. I really hate to put it this way. A therapist in the past told me that telling a potential partner about your terrible exes is a recipe for a disaster for several reasons. It, subconsciously, lowers your value to him. It's like saying to someone, "I'm ugly, I'm ugly, I'm ugly." They can unwittingly start to believe it a little bit. Saying, "I've been cheated on, lied to, hurt over and over" starts to get someone questioning. Geez, what's wrong with her? If I treated someone badly or lied to someone in the past, it's because they were weak and needy. Maybe she is too? And they subconsciously look for signs that you are a bit insecure. Again, this happens a bit below the surface. So the person may not even realize it. But take note of some of the posters on here who talk about their "needy" gfs. Not surprisingly, those gfs were needy in past relationships too. It's possible that message impacted their perceptions about their girlfriends' behaviors.

 

The other reason why it's bad to tell them all that upfront is that YOU completely give up your own power. Honey, the sad fact of life is that most of us will be cheated on and lied to during the course of our relationships. I know I have. Heck, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before I met my husband. But the difference is that I went to therapy and really regained my sense of self-worth and value. When I started dating again, I didn't volunteer stuff about my exes. And if I did, it was very minimal (I'd say to my new bf about my ex: We dated for 2 years and it didn't work out. But that's cool cause I met you!)

 

4. This comes to my last point. I don't think he can offer you what you are looking for. So you are going to constantly going to be in a "one-down" position of wanting more. Your power is gone. Getting your own power is really looking at what you want in a relationship. Do you want something more local? With long-term potential? Marriage? Some of that stuff isn't really viable with this guy as you have described his situation.

 

It's time to start thinking critically rather than romantically.

 

I wanted to repeat this from a previous post of yours.

 

I certainly hope your faith in love does not die. But you really need to acknowledge that there were red flags all over this thing from the beginning.

 

I think your homework has to be picking your self and self-esteem up and making better choices for men. You are beautiful and smart and a great partner, but your choices are absolutely rubbish. Love yourself darling. Love yourself like no man can love you and work on that first. You will find someone who treats you well as your boundaries get stronger and your willingness increases to stay away from the scraps of crap men you keep accepting.

[Lisii]

Thank you Ms Darcy. I took on all you said, that is why I have decided to take time away from men/dating.. including the ex who has offered to take me for coffee/dinner.

 

I will never give up on love.. but I'm broken.. in not of sound mind to be looking... even though I crave it...

 

I'm sitting at the airport waiting for my boys.. it's going to be just family and close friends until I heal 100%.

 

I have a doctor's appointment next week as i have been given a name of a good therapist.. I don't think counselling is helping me, I think i need extensive help...

 

I know I'm not a horrible person.. I'm a very loyal and caring friend to those in my life... but I give too much, esp in relationships.. then I lose who I am..

 

😢

[Ms Darcy]

I have a doctor's appointment next week as i have been given a name of a good therapist.. I don't think counselling is helping me, I think i need extensive help...

 

I know I'm not a horrible person.. I'm a very loyal and caring friend to those in my life... but I give too much, esp in relationships.. then I lose who I am..

 

😢

 

What do you mean you don't think counseling is helping you? You mean that things are no working well with your current therapist?

[Lisii]

I have a couselor, I go to her.. I share, she listens.. and sometimes gives me reading material... (sometimes I give her reading material... lol😢

 

here in nz they are two different things.

 

I think I need more.. I need therapy like I had when I spilt from my husband)...

[Lisii]

Sorry, I'm at the airport answering on my phone without my glasses, so there may be heaps of spelling mistakes... and fragmentation in my replies.

[Lisii]

I sent him an email today.. short and sweet that I can't meet up with him and if he can just put my stuff aside for now (nothing I need urgently)

 

I'm scared that if I see him I will lose the plot.

 

I've been good, not going on Facebook/SM, deleted SM from my phone and work PC.

 

Missing the feel of being loved, - which is weird in its self as I have my kids, family and close friends sending me so much love atm... I just miss what I had with him a few months ago... I miss the snuggles