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Worried About Mom


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Yesterday my youngest brother and his wife had a birthday party for their daughter. She's one. I went up there for it and everything was fine. I have no issues with any of my brothers or their significant others so I knew it would go fine. My mom was there, my dad couldn't make it. Oldest brother came with the kids. After we went to youngest brother's house. My mom barely stayed and said she had to leave to go buy groceries. She did that last time I visited my brother last month when my nephew was born. I talked to my sister in law and told her I've been trying to get my mom to come visit me. It's a three hour drive but she could stay the weekend. She keeps saying she wants to come. But my sister in law and my brother have said "You know why she doesn't right? Because of (mom's husband)."


I've noticed over the last few years since I worked out things with my mom that she's been a lot more down on herself. She is an extremely talented artist. She can sketch damn near anything. She would win awards at local art shows. My uncle bragged about her at my grandpa's visitation even. They had showcased some of my grandpa's woodworking and a sketch of my bio grandma and my uncle said he can draw but "my sister is the one who has the real talent." I have asked her about doing sketching and she said she is "working on some things" and when I asked her to see it she said "I'd have to find them." Well to me that means she's not working on it.


My mom's husband is my brother's biological dad. I'm sure I've stated how my mom had an affair, he is the result but my dad raised him until he was 12 when Mom left (and he is still the legal father). Suffice to say none of us like this guy because he helped ruin our childhood (we blame our mom too as she had the affair too). But this guy my mom would tell him she had to stop seeing him. He would threaten her. We heard him on the phone one time as my dad was arguing with him to stay away. My dad went to his house one day back then and said stay away. This guy pulled a gun on my dad. He has beaten my mom. I know he verbally and emotionally abuses her and likely still does.


I know she chose this man and left my dad and us for him. I was 18 when she left and I was glad she left. I wish she had divorced my dad sooner perhaps things would be different. But this guy is a bad person. My dad and mom were friends with him and his second wife when they moved to town that's how they met. But my dad has told me how he would always say derogatory things about women, spent all the money on guns (with his other wife and my mom), probably beat her. His first wife had a kid with him and I guess she never told him until she was older because my brother just found out he has this other half sister from his bio dad. She is quite a lot older than him too. He would threaten to kidnap my brother when my mom stayed away, threaten to hurt us, my dad (I'd love to see him try).


Granted we all have had issues with the way our mom treated us choosing him over us. But she genuinely seems to be trying. I didn't talk to her for 3 years. The second oldest hasn't talked to her in over 10 years likely. My daughter will never know and doesn't know her husband. I made that clear and she respects it. I get she chose this life - and I think she regrets it but she won't admit it.


My youngest brother's kids haven't even met this guy who is their biological grandfather. My sister in law wrote him a letter and said if he couldn't grow up and change his attitude and the way he acts, he wouldn't meet their daughter. He apparently didn't because she's 1, they have a month old son and he's met neither. My youngest brother calls him dad too and says "he's my dad so I love him" but he's tired of him too and I think he only cares because he thinks he has to due to blood. He has said he didn't talk to him for two weeks after that letter because he wouldn't change for his grandkids. I told my brother I'm very proud of how he turned out because of anyone I know he should be using drugs. He said he is surprised he hasn't either but he said he never got too drunk because he never wanted to find out if he would act like his bio dad when drunk.


He also told me that my mom's husband treats her like crap. He tells her to come visit us kids but when she does, and comes home, he yells at her. My brother said don't say anything he told me to her so she doesn't get mad. I haven't.


But it's been all summer I've asked her to come down and she doesn't answer or says she doesn't have money and I said I'll come get her. I paid her back $100 of what I owe her but said she didn't have to use it if she didn't want to in order to visit. She has always been depressed around him. When I was younger - I kind of looked up to her. She never took anyone's crap. She stood up for herself. My dad said that's part of why he fell for her. She seemed so strong and independent. Then she met this guy and she even would complain about how he talked and acted but ended up having an affair and leaving my dad. I know he's my dad but he's one of the very few decent guys left in the world. I don't always agree with him but he's the kind of guy a father prays their daughter marries (and my grandpa considered him a son until he died a month ago).


But with this guy she's this meek fragile person. I think the only reason she went to him is he "needed" her and she didn't think we or my dad needed her but we did. (She loves to have people depend on her I guess).


I think I'm rambling but I messaged her last night after the party. I said that I can see when you read messages and that I would really like to have mother daughter time before the weather gets bad. I'm really trying and I said there is one of two reasons you don't come visit: You don't want to see me or my daughter OR someone else is keeping you from coming down. I told her she can talk to me about anything. I talk to her about stuff. That if I have to I will come get her. That I know we've had issues but I do love her and she's my mom.


She replied that she doesn't want me to ever think she doesn't want to see me. She said she couldnt' get into it then but "suffice to say there are a lot of things going on." She said she loves us and that she was glad my daughter came to her. That my brotehr's kid sometimes does and the other brother's son doesn't come to her and she's "given up." I said oh he's a mommy daddy boy. He doesn't go to anyone else. He's a clingy kid to his parents. She said she wished she had visited her dad more and that she loves me.


I said just know you can always talk to me and that if there is anything going on I will have a face to face with that person. That she doesn't have to go through all this alone.


I guess it's good she told me something? I haven't pushed her because I know I can't make her leave him or make her do anything. But I don't want her to think she doesn't have anywhere to turn. Yes she was a crappy mom when I was a kid and I hated the way she treated us. She did emotionally abuse us often. But I see old videos and I can see she did love us at some point. I hate she was selfish. I hate that I didn't get a mom while I saw other girls with their moms. Luckily I had my dad. But it takes too much to hate someone. I did hate her those three years. But I was about to deploy (I thought) and I figured I'd make amends just in case I didn't come back.


She does better but at times she's hypocritical when I talk to her about things I"ve been through with my ex. I let it go though.


I just am not sure what more to do. Just let her know I'm here? Wait and see if she tells me? I'm really tempted to just go up there, walk in her house and say "get in the car Mom, let's go have fun." I would love to see that pos husband try to do anything to me. Hopefully he dies soon. Might sound harsh but no one would miss him. I don't think my mom would miss him at this point. Or my brother. If you met him you'd get a vibe. He's basically pure evil. I never liked to be around him even when I was little like five or six. He creeped me out. That was before I found out about the affair too.


I just get tired of my mom beating herself up. She works hard. She always has. She has talent I wish I could have. I only got a little of it. She works from home and comes to see us but barely. She used to be so outgoing. When I was little she had lots of friends. She was involved in groups. Now nothing. It's sad to me. Hell her husband didn't even come to her dad's funeral. Granted no one wanted him there but he could have supported her. I just can't stand him. But I just want her to be - alive again. Not so down. Not so depressing.


I fear we won't have a better relationship until he dies. Who knows when that will be.

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