Boyfriend breaking up, then wanting space, then unsure...

[apple457]

Last week I had the shock of a lifetime when my boyfriend of a year called to say he was unhappy and wanted to break up. We had a late night face to face cry over everything and he left saying he couldn't make a decision. The next night he called to say he went about this too fast and wanted to work on it. A few days later we met up to talk again and he had a couple more reasons, but agreed he went about all of this the wrong way. He didn't communicate simple things. He held them in and got mad at me and made the relationship suffer. I asked him many times if he wanted to end it, but he wouldn't. We've established new boundaries now and are going to work on it. The more I think, the more I read online, I wonder if he's dealing with depression. He took a SSRI before we met due to ocd and anxiety. He's gotten hooked on some computer games again. He also drinks to help sleep. He said he's had bad dreams and doesn't like to think too much because it worries him. He often procrastinates. I have been stressed out from work lately and we had been spending every weekend together, so I have been feeling guilty that maybe my own stress has triggered something in him. He just never told me until it got to this point. He said he would be interested in talking to a therapist, even a couples counsellor. I'm just not sure how to cope with all of this right now. Even with all of the flaws, I still love him and care and want to help. I am giving him the extra space he wants right now, but is there anything else I can do? The pain is deep within me.

[gebaird]

Apple,

 

If he's willing to go to therapy (alone or with you) then you are better off than many people in similar situations whose partners refuse to get help.

 

Don't feel bad for not seeing this coming -- if he wasn't communicating his feelings along the way, there's no way you could have known.

 

In a relationship you only have two jobs: 1) Speak your truth 2) Listen when your partner speaks theirs. It sounds like your boyfriend violated rule #1, but now that he finally has spoken you have an opportunity to show him how good you are at rule #2.

 

I don't know if you will be able to save this relationship. If he is dealing with depression, it could end in spite of your best efforts. But I think a combination of therapy and patience is the best chance you've got.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's so difficult when something big like this comes out of nowhere. Make sure you get the support you need to get through this -- friends, family, therapy, exercise and play. Don't let it consume you.

[apple457]

Thank you for the reply! I do care enough to give him the space and be patient, but my thoughts consume me in the downtime which is why I came here tonight. I have seen a therapist since this happened. They told me all things considered, the problem lies in him and I shouldn't feel guilty or bad about my self, but it's still hard.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing would be to stop feeling responsible for him and his chosen behaviors. He himself needs to feel motivated to stop drinking, getting hooked on video games, etc. No amount of love or understanding will 'fix' this.

 

There is nothing to cope with except giving him the space he asked for so he can deal with his issues. let him go to counseling alone to sort things out and let him come to you, don't smother or mother him.

 

Why were you repeatedly asking if he wanted to end it? has his apathy been a problem lately?

I asked him many times if he wanted to end it, but he wouldn't. He said he would be interested in talking to a therapist, even a couples counsellor.I am giving him the extra space he wants right now

[apple457]

Why were you repeatedly asking if he wanted to end it? has his apathy been a problem lately?

 

He doesn't like making decisions, for example once we spent hours in a store while he tried on shoes, finding something wrong with every shoe. He left with nothing.