Is she playing games or is she confused?

[HeartbrokeHarry]

My girlfriend of 5 years and mother of my 13 month old son left me 6 weeks ago. This is the hardest thing that I have ever faced in my life. We were so much in love, the only thing we argued about was my drinking. I was an occasional drinker, up until my father had serious health problems, then I started to drink more. She has never liked this. She warned me in the past that she would leave me. I could not brake free until it was too late. I have now been sober for 6+ weeks, too late though. She has told me from the beginning to a couple of weeks ago that it is over, maybe a chance in 6 months or so. I have not brought this up recently, but she reminds me that it is over, but acts nice to me. We own a house together and 2 cars. She told me that she wanted to stay friends for our son. It would have been so much easier to leave her without having our son. It would have been easier if she was mean and turned her back on me.

But, here is my problem. Every day that she has off, we are together. I am trying like hell to fix this problem. We go out shopping and we went to San Francisco 1 day. Everytime that we are together we act like best friends, I always make her laugh. She will occasionally put her arm around mine, I will hug her and rub her back (sometimes kiss her head). She has let me give her a generic back massage, and a few feet massages. She always calls me HUN. She will say we and us in future terms. (ex. we should by the XMen 1 DVD since we know we will buy XMen2) A few times I have left her in a store and came back looking for her, and she would wave at me and smile, like she was so happy that I found her. She will call me a few times a day and tell me about her day or how our son is doing. She lets me see him as much as I want, for now. She invites me to do things with her, not all things. She will not let me know, even if I ask, what she did when she goes out. I let her stay at the house for now and I stay at my parents, I have slept at our house (in a separate bed) for 40% of the time since brake up. When she talks to me from work, she has different tone, like putting up a front for coworkers. When we are not hanging out on her days off, she treats me different. Sometimes good all the way to mean. When she gets mean she says sorry.

She is from the Philippines and her culture is different, so I cant tell if this is why she is being nice. I met her in the US.

She has never had a true best friend, to talk too her in US. She has a semi-good friend in NY, that she will say bad things about. I have been talking to this friend, she says she is keeping that a secret. She 1st told me that my girlfriend said that we have a chance and that she still loves me. Then I had her call my girlfriend back with questions I gave her. Her friend then told me it is over and there is no chance. I should move on. It is hard to understand her friend since she has poor english and little emotion. I dont know if what she told friend was true or confusion still.

 

How long does it take for a women to make up her mind. Should I give her more time. Should I let her play with my heart anymore. I would do anything to fix this relationship and to keep my sons parents together. Why is she so nice to me, is she confused or just thinking we are friends. The days we are together I feel that at any time we will be back together, then during the week I tear myself apart and say its probably over.

 

I talked to a lawyer about child custody. I am screwed. She can make it (if she wanted too) that I could see him 4 hours during the week and alternating weekends. At my pay and hers, I would pay $500 a month plus 1/2 childcare and medical/dental. I could pay up to $800 - $900 a month, that would leave me in the ghetto. What a messed up situtiation.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[caliboy]

I'm going through the same thing you are, but to a lesser extent (not married and weren't together as long). My ex does the same types of things though, really sweet and basically acts like your girl one moment, and then is cold at other times. This is her being confused. She still loves you, but just needs space and time to breathe and think.

 

I played the back and forth game for 5 months and there has been no change. What it comes down to is that it's not right to play these games. She's trying to have the lovey doveyness and security you give her, but without the responsibility. You want to be with her this way too, but you also want the whole thing which she doesn't. I've realized that it's not possible to have the "girlfriend/boyfriend" side of a relationship and then go to being just "friends" the next day.

 

After 5 months of back and forth heartache, I finally had to tell my ex that it's not right what she's doing. She does the "girlfriend" things (I love yous, baby talk, sweet dreams, kissing, cuddling, etc), but then tells me she just wants to be friends and that she's confused. It's not right for it to be this way. It really has to be one way or the other, cause if not one or both of you are going to continue to have to endure this heartache.

 

I told my ex that I know what I want and that she doesn't (she agrees). I then told her that I want a girl who knows what she wants (fair of me to say and want). I told her to grow up and figure herself out and once she's done that she can call me (bold, but it's something that has to be said, cause if I didn't say it, she'd continue stringing me along). I told her I love her and that I'll think about her as always, but that I can't call her anymore or else we'll just be continuing this vicious circle. It was tough to do, but it got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. Now I'm sitting here waiting for her to call (if she ever does), but I WILL NOT CALL HER. If she doesn't call me, then maybe I'll gie her a call in a few weeks just to say hi and that's it.

 

It's honestly the only way you'll know once and for all, with no more games, if she's seriously interested in pursuing an actual relationship. You can't waste your time (and heart) and hers on this. Nobody should. I understand you have a kid with her, so obviously you take interest in that, but keep it completely separate from your ex.

[Radix]

Ok Harry, here's what i see from what you are telling me. It can go one of 2 ways. Either one of them should involve your getting your act together and staying sober. theres nothing wrong with drinking every now and then, but theres no excuse for being a drunk.

 

1.) She doesnt really have anywhere else to go or anyone else to fall back on, and she's working on getting one WHILE she's with you. When she finds someone else, she will drop you flat on your back, and leave you hanging wondering why things didnt work themselves out.

 

2.) She's hopeful that you will be scared at the prospect of losing her, and pull yourself together. If this is the case, and it sounds like it's what you want so I hope it happens, you have nothing to worry about unless you screw it up.

 

Either way you have a tough decision to make. You either try and work things out and hope thats what she really wants and things end up ok in the end, or you drop her yourself before she has a chance to drop you.

 

There really isnt an easy answer for this one, but if it was only your drinking that brought all of this about, you really have no one to blame but yourself.

 

P.S.- The answer as to how long it takes a woman to make up their minds- They never do, and even if they do, they can change it at any time thereafter without prior notice.

 

G'luck buddy. Stay sober.

 

Radix

[HeartbrokeHarry]

She let me spend the night on Friday (in other room) and I woke up and she was chatting online with friend. I asked what they were talking about and she blow up saying that it is not my business. She has a bad cold and she just woke up when I bugged her. I then asked about us. She said no chance, and that she doesnt love me any more. She said she is the happiest she has ever been. Since coming to USA she has always been with a man, never on her own. She said she doesnt have to worry about asking me for anything and she can do whatever she wants. We then had the BIG TALK. I told her I want her to sign a paper stating I am the father of our son. I know its mine, he is JR and I am SR. I then told her I want 50% custody and she was worried about this. She knows nothing of custody payments and process. I explained to her it will be easiest and cheapest if we agree. I told her we are going to sell our townhouse, she thought she was going to stay and I was going to help pay. She became very scared of her future. She was worried how she was going to survive. In the past I was sending $200 a month to the Philippines for her parents. She doesnt know how she is going to support them. I told her that this is not my concern. We then spent the rest of the weekend together. We acted like nothing has happened between us. Holding my arm, my waist and my shoulder, and even hugging me. Stilll saying us, we and calling me HUN. Its funny (not really) are relationship seems to be the best it has ever been (when we are together) in a long time, since the split. I always make her laugh. I wish I could turn my back and go on with life. But I feel that we have something still, even though she told me its over. She at one point told me to stay at the house and she will move out. She said she hates to sell the house. I am hoping and praying this is because there might still be hope. She gives me so many mixed signals. I am now starting to feel better about myself. I am starting to think I can live with out her. But then I fall for her when she is so nice. I have taken advice from a lot of people. I am taking care of myself the best I can. Quiting drinking has opened my eyes to so much. I feel like a new man, even though my heart is bleeding. I have lost 25 lbs since our split. I call it the 7 week heartbroken diet. All it takes is to loose the love of your life, 3-4 hours sleep a day, 10-15 cups of coffee and 4-7 meals a week.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the advice on my post and on others. This site has helped me a lot with dealing with my sadness.

[dexterpoindexter]

I have recently, (and not so recently) been in a similar predicament. It can be a heart wrenching thing to have such an on again, off again relationship. It sounds like you took the first steps and sobered up. Good for you. Keep it that way, because drunkeness is generally considered unattractive by ALL women.

 

A word on your wife: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but i'm my situation, i was constantly wondering why she seemed so detatched until i was walking out the door. When i'd decide to quit she'd do a temporary about face and become mrs. lovy dubby again. I think the other respondant hit the nail on the head. She shopping for the bigger, better deal while keeping her safety net intact. It is a rather self centered approach. The big question about whether she'll come back home or not, is whether you are a better man than the competition....and believe me, when a woman acts so topsy/turvy...there IS competition. (possibly imagined, but more usually it's a real other guy). Sometimes its the excitment of having options available to date that makes a woman feel suddenly empowered.

 

In my relationships, i found that this situation never gets better. Hopefully, she is just waiting to see if you are permanently recovered. More likely, she is using your drinking as an excuse to not be the bad guy in the relationship. HERindecision is about HER not you. She needs to take ownership that she doesn't know what SHE now wants. Regarless of what caused her to become distracted, it is now HER distraction.

 

The first relationship i was in like this involved a cheating girlfriend. It was similar in that, i screwed up first. (I cheated once and confessed it.) Other than my infidelity (which i don't mean to minimize..) i was a devoted partner. I was just a dumb guy one night after a fight we had. She then started playing games. She did the lovy thing, then would act all confused, even mean. There we inconsistencies. She started coming home late. A girl who totally loved me turned into a woman who at times seemed to hate me. I stuck with the changes in behavior for about 6 months until i couldn't take it any more and left. I left heart broken, sure that she was not being honest with me about what was going on. I had to get over a woman i loved. That was 5 years ago, and for the first 3 we didn't talk. I didn't even know where she was. I moved away and so did she. Then she called me one night. We talked and resulting conversations have added clarity where there was only fog before. She admits she was lying to me but we don't talk about specifics. Iscrewed up and she lost faith in me. She loved me, but she lost respect and trust in me. She also had her own self esteem issues to deal with. It took several years apart, but she openly admitted that letting me walk out that day was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She tried the excitment of relationships with other men and newer relationships. Suffice it to say that, she was distracted, and she needed to find out what she wanted for herself. By the time she had worked out the issue, it was too late. Sad but true. We used to be the couple that everyone envied and expected to marry and live happily ever after. We had 5 years of great relationship before it all fell apart.

 

So what to do....The only way to gain control over this situation is to tell her how you feel and then remove yourself from it. Hopefully, she will figure out what is important before it is too late. You can't make her love you again. All you can do is become a better man than you have been and hope THAT man is appealing to her. The good news is that your child will provide a pragmatic reason for you two not to drift too far apart, so you may have a better shot at getting back into an intimate relationship with your woman than i did. Take charge of the situation and pick a plan and go with it. Women are not attracted to whimpy men. Well, all my bs aside i wish you luck. Sorry my response isnt very well organized. i just sort of ad libbed.