Questioning My Mothers Nutrition Ethics.In need of an answer

[mymelancholysoul]

So here we go.

 

I don't eat.

Its as easy and as complicated as that.

I can go days without eating anything but ice chips and its really sick. Nobody stops me and my 'mother' encourages my wanting to lose weight.

 

Its so much more than that. Just like in middle school. I didn't stuff my face then purge it all up to be thin. Sure, that was a factor. But there was so much more.

 

She says its okay to not eat three meals a day.

Okay.

Okay.

Thats alright, right?

 

She makes me a small plate of veggies for dinner and makes my brother chicken and noodles and who knows what else.

 

Question time:

Is my mother being wrong? I mean, would she intetionally put me at risk? Don't start the whole, 'Your a sick kid whos anorexic and should be locked in a hospital'. Seriously, I really don't need to hear that. I'm not anorexic. My BMI IS NOT below 17. Thats whats considered medically anorexic.

But seriously, she wouldn't put me at risk, right? She wouldn't put me in danger...right? She says what I'm doing is alright. Eating once a day. Literally. Sometimes not even that. And exercising until sometimes I want to cry. I mean, my mother knows whats going on. I'm not over weight according to my BMI....but I feel so...disgusting. I was diagnosed in middle school. Now? I probably have nothing. Nothing is wrong, right? I mean...my mother...she loves me...she would want to hurt me...right?

right?

....right?

[MetallicAguy]

Why do you want to feel and look thin? I don't think she's encouraging you to lose weight, I think she just doesn't care what you do with yourself really. One meal a day isn't good either. I go without breakfast mostly everyday and my mind has been trained (since I don't have time in the morning) to think it's ok not to eat breakfast. Then I eat breakfast and feel satisfied, though I don't get the hunger sensation, y'know; to eat. pretty weird but yeah. I think it's kinda abnormal for you to do that and I don't think it's healthy. Everyone needs to eat. It's not going to make you fatter. It's your thyroid giving you this problem(basically genetics) so it's not what your eating that gives you the problem to gain weight, just your thyroid. I really don't know how to fix this problem but asking a doctor might help.

[lady00]

Hmm...since I'm not a doctor I have no idea if eating only once a day is harmful to you. But exercising till you want to cry? Exercise should be fun and once it becomes that painful, you should probably stop. You say you're not medically anorexic...that's great but you also say that you are not overweight and yet you don't like the you look? Why is that? What is making you feel negatively about the way that you look? I think the best way to figure this out is to ask someone who knows more about this stuff...like a doctor or a therapist...all I can say is that you don't seem happy with your body for some reason and you should try to figure out why so you can start to feel better about yourself.

[mymelancholysoul]

Its not like...Im an unhappy person.

 

I smile.

I laugh.

I make jokes.

I'm the star of any social group.

So why should it matter?

 

Because there is so much more to being thin than losing weight.

Its everything

The pain

The control or lack there of

 

Its so strange and so stupid at the same time

I'm not really unnattractive

Sure, its not like there's a line of people trying to be in a relationship with me, but I've always been able to deal with that. Always.

 

So when I started feeling crumby, I decided...maybe a change was needed. So I started doing my hair differently. And I realized. Well maybe if I lost a few pounds, that would be good too. My mother is always downing on my weight. Even when I was 98lbs. I still wasn't small enough. Mind you, that was like....ages and ages and years and forever ago. I'm nowehere near that now. She always encourages me to lose weight. To exercise. She loves me. Mother knows best, they say. So I mean, this is okay...right? She knows how I feel. I tell her. I tell her I don't like me. She tells me to change. I say I'm going to lose weight. She says thats a good idea, I could stand to lose a few. Alright. Fine. I tell her, I eat once a day. She says she'll make that once a day be something healthy. She loves me. She does. Right? Right? She wouldn't hurt me? Its okay to be hungry....

[MetallicAguy]

Here I'll give you a good tip that works. Sometimes depending on other looks especially face and eyes; if you wear tight clothing, shirt and pants it becomes physically attractive. I don't know if this works for all guys but if you could tell us your weight and height I could see if it'd work really good for you or not. Which it shouldn't not work for you unless your 5'5 and 270lbs. Though, overall I think the most things women (who think there overweight) should do is 1. Wear tight clothing, (and if you can make your torso black, humans for some reason find black on the torso area more attractive than someone with any other color.). 2. Do something with your hair, straighten it, curl it whatever you'll attract some guy(though you probably don't want to attract a nerd lol, dress like one you'll attract one, well not necessarily but in most cases they think they have something in common with the way they dress, the shallow ones go for the babes, duh). 3. Wear tight pants, I think this is pretty important. Like girls you probably don't like guys with parachute pants, we don't like girls with parachute pants either. Plus if you wear this tight clothing, it creates an optical illusion thus making you more attractive.

 

 

It's ok to be hungry, I think when girls are more upbeat and confident and don't care about what they look like, that attracts me to them mentally. So that's good, and why does it matter so much about the physical attraction you can't be THAT bad, and mental attraction is what counts 90% of the time. (Note: If the girl is like really overweight or just ugly in the face I will stay clear of her. I don't like girls that are really wide or have really fat cheeks so if you have this like 3/4 of a yardstick long head you might want to do somethin' with that. lol)

[DN]

are you more concerned about your weight or your relationship with your mother?

[mymelancholysoul]

I don't know.

I don't.

 

I mean, is she hurting me? Would she really do that? She says its okay...so it is, right?

 

I've been trying to find a middle ground with everything.

 

Restrict

Restrict

Restrict

 

I get this feeling she doesn't love me. And I don't want that. So I try to do everything I can to change that. I lose the weight, I get the grades, I babysit, I cook, I clean.

 

I'm not good enough.

 

 

 

I never will be.

 

 

 

Thats the truth, isn't it?

[Carthiana]

It is hard to understand exactly what you are asking, here's why. You seem to want two things from your post. 1. You want reassurance that what you are doing is ok (or correction that it's not) and 2. that we can use the previous statement to justify whether we in our opinion believe your mom is doing it for good or unjust reasons.

 

Either way, I don't think you are going to get the answers you appear to /want/ to hear. You don't want to hear that its not healthy, otherwise other issues come into play. Like, if it's unhealthy, then why would your mom be supporting/suggesting/allowing it?

 

You already have doubts, from your statements. If you have doubts, then isn't that enough to start to wonder? The seeds have been planted, you are looking for facts or opinions to make them grow, or die off.

 

We all have unreasonable expectations at times, even parents, not just kids. Sometimes those come into play. Parents want a better life for their kids than they had, weight can sometimes play a big role, 'specially if weight related issues or problems occurred in the parent's life. They have their own wants of what they want to see you do, you have your own. Sometimes they coinside, sometimes they don't. They also want sometimes what you want, to be x or y depending on the situtation. But parents and kids are not always right, and the decisions they make fall in that area too. We are human, it just happens. So she could very well want the best for you, but that doesn't mean it's the wisest choice.

 

Her motivations for wanting the best for you are genuine, but maybe the way going about it isn't the best for the situtation?

 

If you truly want to know what is best advised for a person of your age, diet, etc then do some research. Go to VARIOUS websites, ones that are legit, who have medical information, not just opinions. They will give you ideas like normal calorie intake suggested for people x age, such things like that. Parents are not the authority on nutrition (unless that parent is a doctor or done a heck of a lot of research on it) but do have a good head start on it compared to their children. Doctors are the best to ask honestly, if you want an opinion that doesn't come from someone that is blood to you and wants to tell you want you want to hear.

 

There are healthy ways to eat and heathly ways to diet, it's just finding them that is difficult sometimes. There are plenty new books out every day on things not to eat or to eat, so even in the field of nutrition and diet things change every day with new discoveries.

[DN]

 

I'm not good enough.

 

 

 

I never will be.

 

 

 

Thats the truth, isn't it?

 

No , it is not the truth. I suggest you immediately seek help from a counsellor.

[mymelancholysoul]

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for posting this.

I didn't mean to upset anyone or make it seem like...I'm so sorry....

I'm just so out there these days, you know?

I graduate and start college in the fall. And I've been trying to be this perfect little girl and I can't. And I feel like this failure. So when I don't eat and I get sick from eating anything large, I feel like I deserve it. Like somewhere in the strands of time I screwed up and now have to pay for it. I did the whole...therapy thing. First in middle school for my eating and that just...I don't want to talk about that. It hurt so much. My track career right out the window. Then in sophmore year for an OD and for my behavior. My paranoia. I was yanked by both parents after a few months. They said that the doctors were stupid to think I was depressed. I had no reason to be depressed. I feel so completely...I don't know how to explain it. But I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for posting this and expecting my world to just be solved. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a bother. I will never be good enough for anyone, not even myself. Not at this rate.

[Carthiana]

Striving for perfection and settling with what you can do with all your heart are two different things. NO ONE IS PERFECT, not you, not me, no one. Expecting to be perfect, or exactly what your parents want , is setting you up for only one thing; FAILURE. No one can be exactly EVERYTHING their parents want, and doing so only makes your life theirs (if they are dictating all you are doing) and isn't this your life? Not theirs?

 

You need to work on these issues before you go to college, as they will only become just that much harder to deal with. This coming from someone that had issues (not related to yours) and they were harder to deal with at college (added stress, etc).

 

You seem to be your own worst enemy. If you expect yourself to be perfect, then obviously you'll never succeed (nor would any of us if we were to think the same thing of ourselves). You need to learn not to expect those things which are out of our reach. Striving for perfection and expecting it are a big gap apart from each other. Do your best, and that is all you can ask of from yourself. Asking more than that is like asking to move the stars, create galaxies, etc.

 

You have to learn to love, believe, and cherish yourself. Start to do that, and other's impressions of how you are as a student, daughter will not weight as heavily on your heart as they seem to now. We can support you, but we can't make you make that decision to better yourself. Only you can.

[avman]

Well mymelancholysoul, people are really trying to help you. People are telling you straight out that when you say "I'm not good enough" that it is wrong. Of course you are good enough. We'd like to see you get some help with some of these feelings because we all want you to love yourself and see yourself as a good person.

 

To answer your question, yes it is probably ok just to eat one meal a day. That is provided it is a healthy one and that you get your daily calorie needs met. Now a young girl is going to need plenty of calories and I don't think one small plate of veggies is going to do it for you. This means your body is going to starve itself. And that IS anorexia.

 

You ask if anything is wrong. My answer is yes, something is wrong. Its hard for me to speak for your mother, but from what I see here I am concerned about you and your health. Your mother is not a nutritionist (I'm guessing) so she may not know what is the best thing for you right now. I think you should talk to a doctor or a nutritionist and see just how things are going. You should not feel hungry all the time.

 

We care about you. You are not a bother.

[Cadence308]

I know a lot about exercise, nutrition, and eating disorders. I have an MS degree specializing in these things.

 

You sound anorexic. Striving for perfection, feeling not good enough, wanting to feel in control, exercising to the point of crying, trying to live up to everyone's expectations, and sometimes not even eating one meal a day. You need to talk to a professional and get some help. I have a friend who is a recovering anorexic and we talk about her eating disorder a lot. An eating disorder isn't about food, that's just a symptom. An eating disorder is about feelings and it's a way to gain control over one's life and exercise can be used in the same way as food. A healthy diet is one that lets you feel satiated, that meets your energy, macronutrient, and micronutrient needs. I doubt you can get those met in one meal and I wouldn't try. One plate of veggies is lacking in protein, fat, calcium, iron, and probably fiber, among others. I always recommend people eat 3-6 small meals a day. A diet with variability is going to meet your nutrition needs.

 

I think that your mother is exacerbating the problem. She is allowing you to do this to yourself and it sounds like encouraging it. Making your brother and you different things to eat at meal times is a bad idea. Does your family eat meals together? Also, is that pic on your profile actually you? Do you count calories? Do you monitor fat intake? Do you label and limit foods as good and bad?

 

Is there a counselor at your school whom you can talk to? This is very serious. My friend ended up in the hospital hooked up to an IV.

[ghozt]

i dont think you moms whanting to put you in starvation, i think she trying to supporty in anything you chose, you have to chose between being thin your liveing life to its full potetials

[mymelancholysoul]

No. Not me. Goodness no. I just thought it was a pretty picture so I used it, sorry. I should have clarified that. Sorry.

 

We don't eat together. We haven't even all been in the same room, unless of course someone is getting yelled at, since I was in the sixth grade. We aren't a family. Were four people living in one very limited space. But I guess its better than forcing us to be together. They would just fight then to stop their fighting pick something I or my older sister that moved out did wrong to fight about. This way it doesn't make my brother upset. He doesn't like to see them fight, so they find something or someone else to take it out on so he doesn't cry and panic and get upset. He shouldn't have to.

 

I can't go back to professional care. I can't. I can't do that. They'll stick me in a hospital, I won't graduate, and then I'll really be a screw up. I don't purge anymore. That was my moms rule. No binging and purging. So I don't. Sure, sometimes I get sick but come on....food gets greasy and I have a weak stomach. Someone else gets sick, I get sick. It happens. No big deal.

 

I take multi vitamins everyday. A womans vitamin, vitamin C, these things for my metabolism my mom bought that I don't really know what they do but take anyway, and sometimes my moms iron pills.

 

I don't want to upset her. Shes the sick one, not me. She has heart disease. Shes always saying how...'Well what if I had a heart attack and I died. Is that what you want?' NO! OF COURSE NOT! I love my mom. I love her. I don't want her to die until I'm older and married and I have kids of my own.

 

I want to lose weight...sometimes. Somedays. Most days. Everyday. When you see the girls at my school that have the straight A's, and are in th clubs I'm in, and the theater kids...skinny. So its like...why aren't I? I coud look like that. I used to be twig thin. I want it...so bad...I just want everything to work out and for once in my life to have someone say, "Nicole I'm so proud of you. You did such a good job you're beautiful and intelligent and your really going places. Im so proud of you.'

 

I know its twisted and warped or it must sound so.

 

I count calories but its not like they control me. I just keep a tab on how much I take in a day. Because like, you aren't supposed to go over 2,000. I don't. And thats good, right?

[arwen]

Girl, your message is really telling me you need help. I battled anorexia a few years ago (well, I still struggle from time to time, but never actually relapsed).

 

You need validation, reassurance, love and care. Your message is screaming for it. From what I hear, your family is really disconnected. You feel like you can't be the one needing help, since your mother is ill. I had the same pattern. My mom survived cancer, it was a long fight. I have felt like a complete failure for huge parts of my life. You need to fight this. You can starve yourself to death, and it won't have solved your problems at all.

 

If you need to talk, I am there. It's difficult to write about my own struggle with anorexia on the forum, you are very welcome to pm/email me.

 

take care girl. You deserve a happy life, with love and appreciation - first of all in the relationship you have with yourself.

 

Ilse.