so many mixed signals...

[sarahmaria]

hey..i have grown close to this friend of mine, and i want to take it furthur..however, he's going through a period where i know all his relationships are flings, and i don't want to be another fling..

i can sense he likes, he does things like surprise me with a hug whenever i'm being talked to by a guy, like last night when we went to watch a local band play, two guys came up two me.. the first time, he came from behind, gave me a kiss and told me i looked cute..the second time, he pulled me away told the guy 'sorry, she's needed somewhere else' and sat down on the bench us group had taken and put me on his lap with arms around me possively.. the other guy naturally left..

once he left, my friend let me go and went to talk to some other girl, described by guys as a 'hottie'...

what does he want? i know i want to be with him but i don't want to be just another girl he's shared his bed with... i'm so cofused, he tells me i'm his best friend then he does this kind of thing.. how do i act??!

[Scout]

once he left, my friend let me go and went to talk to some other girl, described by guys as a 'hottie'...

what does he want? i know i want to be with him but i don't want to be just another girl he's shared his bed with... i'm so cofused, he tells me i'm his best friend then he does this kind of thing...

 

If there is one thing I've learned in life, it's that some cliches are true, especially: Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

 

This guy sounds like someone with an enormous need for attention, and naturally, when you - someone he knows likes him, and he thrives on that attention - are paying attention to someone else, he doesn't like it and rushes to make sure you are still completely focused on him.

 

The plain fact is that when someone truly, truly likes us - is really interested in us - they do not walk away from us to talk to another girl, no matter how much of a "hottie" she is. When someone really likes us, they consider us hot enough!

 

I think you should start to ask yourself what you like so much about this guy beyond his obvious sex appeal and charm & ease around females. You may also ask yourself if you like him because he's hard to get - and thereforeeee, by "winning" him, you are somehow validating your own sense of worth. If that could be the case, you may want to find more fulfilling ways to work on your self esteem - and maybe start to like guys with more character and truly good traits than this guy seems to possess.

 

I know crushes are hard to get over, but you don't want to fall into a pattern where you like players. It certainly isn't going to lead you to a path towards meaningful relationships.

[Celadon]

Scout's got it happening! Great advice. I completely agree. Sarahmaria, you are very smart to question what's going on with this guy, and to keep yourself from being another checkmark on his scorecard.

 

I think you should talk to other guys whenever you feel like it, and if the same situation happens in the future, tell this charming (but seemingly self-absorbed) guy that you'll catch up with him later. He's not promising you anything, so you don't belong to him!

[Scout]

Scout's got it happening! Great advice. I completely agree. Sarahmaria, you are very smart to question what's going on with this guy, and to keep yourself from being another checkmark on his scorecard.

 

I think you should talk to other guys whenever you feel like it, and if the same situation happens in the future, tell this charming (but seemingly self-absorbed) guy that you'll catch up with him later. He's not promising you anything, so you don't belong to him!

 

Lol, thanks Katie! I like your suggestion too - the next time he tries to pull you away from someone, tell him nicely but firmly "I'm having a conversation at the moment. I'll talk to you later." Will that win his heart over? Maybe for about half an hour but the true purpose in doing that is to a) show some respect towards the person you're actually having a conversation with and b) to put an end to this guy manipulating you.

 

It's gonna be hard because you still have this crush on him, but after a couple of times, it will get much easier and you'll be proud of yourself!

[Prosper]

Heard of this saying before?

 

Women gives sex for love, Men gives love for sex.

 

You dun have to give yourself away for love, if you are afraid you will be fling-ed. Why not hang him up and wait till he gives you love instead?

[SkyFire]

Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

 

Everything can be summed up by this.

[sarahmaria]

gee, thanks Scout K8tie Kool and everyone.. reading your replies has really opened up my eyes.. i guess i never saw it like that.. i know that he wouldn't attempt to make a move unless he was sure i would go all the way, and then just be cool like it had never happened... this is because he thinks of me as his friends.. i thought i hadn't made it obvious to him that i liked or had any kind of feelings towards him, but i guess judging by his actions that he got the message loud and clear...

but i still want to know: Can i change him?? would he probably come around like K8tie Kool said, or am i asking this question because as Scout said, its hard to give up on 'crushes'?

 

SarahM

[Scout]

I don't think you can change him. First of all, it's almost impossible to change anyone - they can only do that themselves. Second, he's still young and immature, and right now, "it's all about him."

 

The only thing that usually "changes" a player, is getting played by another one. And even then, it can take a long time for that lesson to sink in.

 

I would really try to separate yourself from this guy, if you can. He honestly doesn't sound like much of a "friend" if he would force you away from another conversation, only to abandon you to talk to someone else. There are so many guys out there who would NEVER do that - why don't you give one of them a chance? Trust me, you'll avoid a lot of heartache and pain if you avoid the players. The only thing they usually have going for them is charm - which at the end of the day, isn't worth anything when compared to true character, and simple good manners.