Can't let go of my past

[seanstrina]

I'm married to a wonderful man who loves my son and I a lot. I have been hurt really bad in the past. Since I was 13, 12 years now, I have been in relationships that I was cheated on, back stabbed, and only loved because I was pregnant with their child. I can't seem to let go of this past because I find it to be the only thing I know in a relationship and it's comfortable to me as much as it may seem horrible. My husband is very cute and very sweet that makes girls go crazy over him. But everyone from strangers to the computer chatting knows he's married and they enjoy talking to me as well. My insecurity flares up and I start thinking about the past and putting it into my marriage. I'm so scared that I will lose my husband, or make him stray away. Yet no matter what I do, I can't find to let it all go, any one have any advice before I lose my mind? Please help! Trina

[DN]

You have nailed the problem in that you recognise you have a comfort level with the past - it is what you know. And anything else is strange and thereforeeee full of fear of the unknown. Now that you recognise the problem you have to deal with it.

 

You must train yourself into a different way of thinking, to learn to enjoy being happy and feeling secure when you are. When an insecure feeling pops into your mind you make it pop back out again. The way to do this is to compose and learn a sort of 'mantra'. something like: "I love my husband and I know he loves me. I trust him, I know he will not hurt me and I will not hurt him." Do not include anything in the 'mantra' that is negative or reminds you of your unhappy past - make sure it is positive and concentrates on a happy future.

 

At the same time that you are repeating this 'mantra', fill your mind with happy images of the times you are with your husband - the first time you knew you loved him, the first time he said "I love you", when you knew he loved you son, the day you were married. Think of the future with him, how you depend on each other and support each other and the warm feelings you get when you see him.

 

Anytime you get a negative feeling you can think of a way to show him (and yourself) how much you love him, a special kiss, extra-long hug, even better sex. He needn't know why you are doing it but he will appreciate it.

[Towny]

I'm coming from the other side of a relationship a lot like yours. My girlfriend is very appreciative of what I do for her and I'm always being complimented by her friends on what a great guy I am. But she has a tremendous time escaping her past, which was very hard on her. She felt abused, tormented, and shunned her whole life and every relationship she has ever had she has ended because she has a tendency to "self-distruct". It's hard on me, I admit, and sometimes I don't see how it will ever work out until she realizes that all of the failed relationships and abusive behavior is behind her now. She is in control of her decisions. I can't change the way she thinks, I've accepted that. I've come to see that it is definitely up to her to decide what her beliefs are and what she truly wants. Sometimes I feel like she thinks she doesn't deserve to be treated nicely and she seeks out instability to justify any unreasonable behavior on her part. It's rough, but I stick it out for one reason: because I love her.

 

I think you understand your issues, now it's time to decide what you believe.

[Prosper]

People arent always that bad, thats the reason why you marry your husband, isnt it?

 

You loves him and you believe he is good to you in the first place. I suggest you to count your blessings everyday instead.

 

Count the times he smiles at you a day, how he genuinely tells you how much he loves you, to every single compliement you gotten each day.

 

You are so lucky! Your exs cant get near to you to backstab you and do any bad heart-breaking things to you, because you have such a protective husband. Some people just dont have such fortune as you...

[seanstrina]

Tommy,

It's not that she's unfortunate to have you, it's because that's all she knows of love. I'm trying to do the best of my ability to do the baby steps because we both know we can't expect a miracle overnight. I heard a thing today on the radio that said, "why let anyone from your past bring you down, do you want them to know that they succeeded ruining your love life after them?" And when I heard that, I stopped and thought, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm letting them win. I like the idea of counting how many times he smiles at me, and compliments me, I think I will do that. And I really liked the idea of thinking back when he smiled at me for the first time, or kissed me for the first time. Thank you so much for your ideas and your own personal reflections. Give me hope, Give me strength cause everyone knows it's the hardest thing to do, erase memories that help build you stronger.