Possible Outcomes?

[ghengisT]

I have somewhat of a moral dichotomy in effect at this point in my life. I’ll try to summarize this as much as possible, while providing key background details:

 

My girlfriend (now fiancé) and I have been dating exclusively for 8yrs. In the earliest part of our relationship, we had a great honeymoon phase, lasting nearly 2yrs. Then we began to fight more often, about trivial , but we stuck it out. I was still very in love with her, while she was beginning to distance herself. Around 2012, she broke up with me- the usual “didn’t have feelings for me anymore”. Heartbroken, I set out on the typical mission of self-improvement. Lost weight, bettered myself, started dating again, got a promotion, bought a new car, you know the deal. She broke me good.

 

Three or four months later, we started dating again. I told her that I wasn’t going back to the old relationship and she would have to stop sweeping her feelings under the rug, as that’s what led to the initial break-up. She tends to bottle her emotions until she implodes. I’m more of the explosive type, although I seldom get angry or upset about anything- just tend to go with the flow.

 

Fast Forward- About 9 months ago, I had to go on a business trip that required traveling with a female colleague. At the time, my girlfriend was finishing school and I would say her available attention for me was scarce. Understandably so. Feeling somewhat neglected lately, I think my boss had picked up on the spark between my coworker and I- so he figured that he would play cupid I’m guessing.

 

During the time we were away from the office, we enjoyed exploring a new city. No intimacy, or anything beyond platonic friendship, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit it was an emotional affair for me. We had a lot of fun together and when the opportunity arose for potential intimacy, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do and went back to my own room.

 

My girlfriend and I have talked and talked, and talked, some more… about why I strayed from the nest. I confessed to not feeling very loved while she was in the final months of her schooling. My colleague is a very vibrant and positive individual and by nature, I think many people are drawn to her spiritually. I just happened to be one of those people and alone with her, both exploring a new place. I realized shortly after the trip that it’s just mere infatuation, as we’re just in two very different walks of life. I’m in my late 20s, working my way up the corporate ladder, looking for a wife and pondering the idea of kids in the next couple years. My fiance is on the same page with me, here. My fiancé on the other hand is a Cancer sign and while we get along well, treat each other well, and have lots of love for one another, her emotional nature can be somewhat of a wet blanket for me, yet she provides the stability in a partner that I never knew growing up with a troubled childhood.

 

My colleague is in her early 20s, just barely beginning her career, and not quite a woman yet. I just didn’t feel it wasn’t worth throwing away my relationship over, but it’s hard to deny that we just “click” on a personality level. To place it in perspective, I’m a Sagittarius and she’s an Aries for those of you who follow astrology.

 

Thinking we were past all of this, I felt it was time to signify my commitment to my girlfriend and propose. She accepted and couldn’t be happier.. We’ve since gotten a place of our own and I feel that I finally have a home- it’s not quite 100% marriage, but I am loving her and our life together so far.

 

But, it’s not all gloss and glitter- she’s still feeling insecure about my colleague! So much so, she would love it if I quit my job. She hates hearing her name (it doesn’t help that they have the same first name), she breaks down crying when she receives an email from somebody whose last name even slightly resembles my colleague’s last name. It is seriously causing her some undue stress and she’s told me about how much anxiety it brings her. All the while, I thought we had moved past this. She's told me that if it were her in this situation, she would have broken up with me and pursued the other person. I kind of do agree, and maybe I should have, but I really didn't want to mix work with play.

 

I just don’t think it’s healthy, and I have a strong suspicion that even if I were to quit my job (which is a great job btw), these issues wouldn’t go away. Although I love her and want to stay with her, I don’t want to feel like I’m living with a black cloud over my head, or that my partner doesn’t trust me to manage my own relationships. Life is co-ed. Part of me feels that I am in the wrong for having a friendship with another female that I had feelings for, but at the same time, where does one draw the line?

 

As always, I’m open to constructive feedback, but mainly felt the need to vent. Thanks for taking the time to read fellow EnA’ers.

 

Ghengis

[abitbroken]

My girlfriend and I have talked and talked, and talked, some more… about why I strayed from the nest. I confessed to not feeling very loved while she was in the final months of her schooling.

 

So what happens if you marry and have a baby and a pregnant wife is not available for sex at a drop of a hat because of morning sickness or due to a difficult pregnancy? What if your wife had to go on a business trip for a week? You would say "My feewings are hurt. I am so neglected. So I am going to spend time with a pretty coworker?" When you are in a relationship and one of you is going through a week or double shifts, or final exams or whatever - you stop being selfish and thinking about what they are not doing for you. Its not like they are out clubbing. Life is a give and take. When my guy was working crazy shifts and couldn't go out on regular dates - we met at odd times - even for just a hug and a few minutes of face time, or one of us would bring the other an ice cream or do something that made things easier - like picking up dry cleaning when one of us was never available during business hours, etc.

 

I can understand exactly where she is coming from. I cannot blame her. It was up to you when you heard your boss was playing matchmaker to nip it in the bud so they weren't encouraging this young woman and to go out of your way to prevent yourself from having so much alone time with her. When I go on business trips - sure we might have lunch as a group during a meeting session - but at night would go our separate ways to our rooms to study things, prep, catch up with our loved ones, watch tv, etc. If there was sightseeing organized as a whole group that's one thing, but if i was committed to someone, I wouldn't lead my coworker on like I was dating them

 

Yes, it is wrong to have a friendship that gets in the way of your relationship - and this woman wasn't really a friend - she was a potential love interest. I think if you changed jobs, it would solve the problem proving you take her seriously, but on the other hand, can you be trusted the next time she has exams, or is sent away for two weeks for something, that you won't stray? That is the bigger question.

[abitbroken]

She tends to bottle her emotions until she implodes. I’m more of the explosive type, although I seldom get angry or upset about anything- just tend to go with the flow.

 

So she has a long fuse - she doesn't blow up about little things - it takes her to really be bothered by things to get angry. I would say this thing that she is upset about IS very, very valid. As far as you go, its not healthy to blow up about things all the time either. You can't tell her that she has to stop bottling things up, on the other hand you explode.

[ghengisT]

My girlfriend and I have talked and talked, and talked, some more… about why I strayed from the nest. I confessed to not feeling very loved while she was in the final months of her schooling.

 

So what happens if you marry and have a baby and a pregnant wife is not available for sex at a drop of a hat because of morning sickness or due to a difficult pregnancy? What if your wife had to go on a business trip for a week? You would say "My feewings are hurt. I am so neglected. So I am going to spend time with a pretty coworker?" When you are in a relationship and one of you is going through a week or double shifts, or final exams or whatever - you stop being selfish and thinking about what they are not doing for you. Its not like they are out clubbing. Life is a give and take. When my guy was working crazy shifts and couldn't go out on regular dates - we met at odd times - even for just a hug and a few minutes of face time, or one of us would bring the other an ice cream or do something that made things easier - like picking up dry cleaning when one of us was never available during business hours, etc.

 

I can understand exactly where she is coming from. I cannot blame her. It was up to you when you heard your boss was playing matchmaker to nip it in the bud so they weren't encouraging this young woman and to go out of your way to prevent yourself from having so much alone time with her. When I go on business trips - sure we might have lunch as a group during a meeting session - but at night would go our separate ways to our rooms to study things, prep, catch up with our loved ones, watch tv, etc. If there was sightseeing organized as a whole group that's one thing, but if i was committed to someone, I wouldn't lead my coworker on like I was dating them

 

Yes, it is wrong to have a friendship that gets in the way of your relationship - and this woman wasn't really a friend - she was a potential love interest. I think if you changed jobs, it would solve the problem proving you take her seriously, but on the other hand, can you be trusted the next time she has exams, or is sent away for two weeks for something, that you won't stray? That is the bigger question.

 

I partially agree with you, but I'm not talking about weeks of being busy. This was over the course of 18 months.

[abitbroken]

I partially agree with you, but I'm not talking about weeks of being busy. This was over the course of 18 months.

 

My opinion still stands - we all go through different phases and seasons - when someone is busy for good reason - if we are in a relationship - we flex. If we just started dating them last week - we move on.

 

There are times when my cousin's boyfriend was doing his residency for medical school and the busy time was that long and more. There were many days of being ships passing in the night, an unexpected double, etc, and things needed to be flexed. Sometimes it was just seeing eachother for 15 minutes if that. When you are committed to someone, that's what you do. When you are an adult, you learn to entertain yourself.

 

Or for another example, my other cousin's wife travelled a LOT in a yearlong period fighting for custody of her child. She had been divorced for 4 years before they met and everything was fine until her ex moved out of state and fights started. She had to fly back and forth to another state very frequently to not only see hear child but do court dates.

 

Did either one of them shift their interests to another person while their significant other is doing something that takes away from their day to day time, but is doing something that will be for both their good in the long run??

 

You asked her to marry you - was it in hopes of fixing the problem or do you want to marry her?

 

ALso, what are you doing in the spirit of self improvement to not let this happen again with anyone? You are quick to tell us what she needs to do for self improvement but what about you?

[ghengisT]

 

You asked her to marry you - was it in hopes of fixing the problem or do you want to marry her?

 

ALso, what are you doing in the spirit of self improvement to not let this happen again with anyone? You are quick to tell us what she needs to do for self improvement but what about you?

 

I actually want to marry her, but I wouldn't have asked if I had known she was still feeling insecure about this. We've definitely spent our time on the rocks and I've been complacent on the side line with her through three nursing programs.

 

I've adhered to all of her requests- stop being friendly with this coworker, don't hang out with her (which I had never done other than our trip). The only questionable thing, which I've explained is that she is part of our emergency contact group. I manage infrastructure and should the building catch fire, I need to have her contact information in my phone so we can close the building. Seemingly so, this contact continues to be deleted from my phone. Same applies to my facebook account for any girl that even glances in my direction.

 

I don't have any serious insecurities- or at least none that I pay attention to. I'm very open to her grabbing lunch with one of her guy friends and it's not in my nature to cry over spilled milk. People come, and people go- I've learned to accept this fact of life through various foster homes as a kid. Maybe being naturally detached is my issue.

 

Work isn't everything in the world as we know, but I've been promoted twice in the last two years, I'm under 30 and saving for a retirement plan. I maintain both of our vehicles and for the most part- make sure all of our bills are paid on time, so she can focus on her new job.

 

I try to take care of the little things, like making her coffee and packing her lunch before she leaves for work, even though I didn't have to be up for another 2 hours.

[Lester]

Possible outcomes?

- Bleak and bleaker.

 

Are you married?

[abitbroken]

Okay - first off - you said you were "spiritually drawn to her". You need to drop the new agey drivel. This implies that you believed you were "powerless" to her wiles and had no control. My ex dropped this on me about a female friend - about "the connection" about being "spiritually drawn" etc instead of admitting and translating that "spiritually drawn" had to do with his penis - even if he didn't insert it anywhere.

 

I actually want to marry her, but I wouldn't have asked if I had known she was still feeling insecure about this. We've definitely spent our time on the rocks and I've been complacent on the side line with her through three nursing programs.

 

I've adhered to all of her requests- stop being friendly with this coworker, don't hang out with her (which I had never done other than our trip). The only questionable thing, which I've explained is that she is part of our emergency contact group. I manage infrastructure and should the building catch fire, I need to have her contact information in my phone so we can close the building. Seemingly so, this contact continues to be deleted from my phone. Same applies to my facebook account for any girl that even glances in my direction.

 

I don't have any serious insecurities- or at least none that I pay attention to. I'm very open to her grabbing lunch with one of her guy friends and it's not in my nature to cry over spilled milk. People come, and people go- I've learned to accept this fact of life through various foster homes as a kid. Maybe being naturally detached is my issue.

 

Work isn't everything in the world as we know, but I've been promoted twice in the last two years, I'm under 30 and saving for a retirement plan. I maintain both of our vehicles and for the most part- make sure all of our bills are paid on time, so she can focus on her new job.

 

I try to take care of the little things, like making her coffee and packing her lunch before she leaves for work, even though I didn't have to be up for another 2 hours.

 

have you truly owned up to your actions and have you done everything to fix it. I am not talking about not speaking to the coworker, but addressing what made you so it in the first place - ie, being drawn was out of your control, etc, and how you entertain yourself when she is not around, etc.

 

Women appreciate the little things, but its about the big things. you can buy jewelry, make lunch, and take her car in for an oil change, but if she can't trust you - you dont' have anything. If you were knocked out and someone slipped something in your beer and you physically cheated one time it would be easier to swallow than emotional cheating is, quite honestly, especially if it is thrown upon the other party (reason is not you, but her not being available). If there is another delicate, spiritual creature with an undeniable essence, it could happen again if she is too busy.

 

As far as the phone numbers, is there someone who could volunteer to be the emergency contact? Maybe/maybe not , but the worst feeling is if friends or coworkers colluded - your boss even tried to hook you up - why would she trust you working there?

[catfeeder]

Oh, geez. Crushes are perfectly natural, and I don't think there's a person alive with a healthy imagination who hasn't formed one. This isn't your first, it won't be your last, but what matters is how we choose to behave about them.

 

So you told your GF? Not smart. Now you're living with the consequences--not of the crush, but of opening your mouth about it.

 

I'd back off of playing friendzies with the crush. Be professional, competent and kind, but put your focus back on your job. Regardless of whether that will help to repair your relationship with GF, stoking a crush on the job isn't wise, for your rep or your career, even if you're unattached.

 

Offer fiance' the opportunity to attend couples counseling. Don't make it about fixing her, propose it because you want to learn how to be the best partner you can be. See how that shakes out, and then make your decisions from there.

[ghengisT]

Oh, geez. Crushes are perfectly natural, and I don't think there's a person alive with a healthy imagination who hasn't formed one. This isn't your first, it won't be your last, but what matters is how we choose to behave about them.

 

So you told your GF? Not smart. Now you're living with the consequences--not of the crush, but of opening your mouth about it.

 

I'd back off of playing friendzies with the crush. Be professional, competent and kind, but put your focus back on your job. Regardless of whether that will help to repair your relationship with GF, stoking a crush on the job isn't wise, for your rep or your career, even if you're unattached.

 

Offer fiance' the opportunity to attend couples counseling. Don't make it about fixing her, propose it because you want to learn how to be the best partner you can be. See how that shakes out, and then make your decisions from there.

 

It actually started while we were on the trip. She had called to see how things were going and prod about what I was up to. I try to be honest and I didn't see any wrong doings. I told her we got in late and found a sushi place next to the data center where we'd be working. Got back to the hotel and discovered a bar, had a drink. She wanted to go swimming and I wanted to hit the Jacuzzi. Because my SO has met this other person- I didn't think there would be any issue when I told her. She called me back to tell me it painted a pretty bad picture and it kind of ensued from there.

 

She was literally blowing up my phone and I had been on my feet for 12 hours installing and testing new equipment. I just wanted to eat and go to sleep, so I told her I would talk about it with her when I got back. Once I was back in town, we talked a good couple hours, discussed breaking up, but she told me she didn't want that and I told her that it was a harmless trip. Mind, we weren't living together at this point.

 

One night, my at the time girlfriend decided she needed to go through my FB account while I was sleeping. She saw that I had viewed my coworkers photos on several occasions. She hadn't confronted me about this and I thought we were past the business trip. About a month later, I proposed. About a month after that, she brought up what she had seen while snooping... and about once or twice a month she picks a fight about it.. or in the case of this weekend- we're having quite a chipper afternoon and she just gets sad all of a sudden over dinner and puts a damper on the rest of the evening.

[catfeeder]

Do you want to marry someone who snoops through your stuff and manipulates you with sulking and ruins your time together with arguments?

 

Again, this isn't about the crush, it's about your relationship. Crush or no crush, that's dismal.

[ghengisT]

Do you want to marry someone who snoops through your stuff and manipulates you with sulking and ruins your time together with arguments?

 

Again, this isn't about the crush, it's about your relationship. Crush or no crush, that's dismal.

 

You do have a point. I think that I've been focusing too much on how to achieve keeping her happy, when it really isn't about a crush.

[journeynow]

How did you "stray"? You were on a work trip with a colleague, you say it was platonic, you had fun & toured the city, you found her attractive, and you did nothing about that attraction. How was it an emotional affair? How long was the trip? I might be missing something, but what would the trip have to look like for it to be hunky-dory for you all?

 

Also, I think you might need to reign in looking for outside forces causing things, such as your boss playing cupid, and astrological signs. (Astrology goes into all sorts of depth around more than just the sun sign, and perhaps there is something to it, like there might be something to birth order, and personality types, but I think none of that trumps our free will or responsibility.)

[abitbroken]

It actually started while we were on the trip. She had called to see how things were going and prod about what I was up to. I try to be honest and I didn't see any wrong doings. I told her we got in late and found a sushi place next to the data center where we'd be working. Got back to the hotel and discovered a bar, had a drink. She wanted to go swimming and I wanted to hit the Jacuzzi. Because my SO has met this other person- I didn't think there would be any issue when I told her. She called me back to tell me it painted a pretty bad picture and it kind of ensued from there.

 

She was literally blowing up my phone and I had been on my feet for 12 hours installing and testing new equipment. I just wanted to eat and go to sleep, so I told her I would talk about it with her when I got back. Once I was back in town, we talked a good couple hours, discussed breaking up, but she told me she didn't want that and I told her that it was a harmless trip. Mind, we weren't living together at this point.

 

One night, my at the time girlfriend decided she needed to go through my FB account while I was sleeping. She saw that I had viewed my coworkers photos on several occasions. She hadn't confronted me about this and I thought we were past the business trip. About a month later, I proposed. About a month after that, she brought up what she had seen while snooping... and about once or twice a month she picks a fight about it.. or in the case of this weekend- we're having quite a chipper afternoon and she just gets sad all of a sudden over dinner and puts a damper on the rest of the evening.

 

I don't think the issue was merely because you grabbed a bite with a coworker. The way you talk about being spiritually drawn, your girlfriend picked up on something deeper in your voice and language. If you just grabbed a bite after a meeting, etc, we wouldn't be here talking about it. But still, not just dinner, but a drink...hanging out in the jacuzzi...I could see where someone would think that's a little too much....but I do think because its obvious that you were very smitten, it was more than what you did with her - you could have minimized things, thrown it back on your gf, and even gushed about her before or after the trip without meaning.

 

Either way, she has reason to be very threatened by this and is worried about your crushes or at least your lack of ownership in the situations (fate/boss/whatever).

 

I don't think its that fixable at this point. But if you wanted to, you have to take total responsibility and change your language and possibly even stepping down as the emergency contact.