Should ex vent to my friends?

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

It's been almost 24 hours from the breakup, we were together 2.5 years and had a lot of ups and downs. There's many reasons why I decided to break up with him this morning, but nothing horrific, no cheating, abuse, or anything. Things were just piling up for me, I began to lose feelings for him, then I found out he doesn't trust me and I couldn't come up with a reason to be in a relationship with him.

 

The past 24 hours have been f*cking ridiculous. My now-ex refused to leave my house, then threatened to swallow all my anxiety pills (I explained how low-dosage they are & he wouldn't overdose on them), he then stole my medication while I was at work & was trying to use it as a way to bait me into seeing him. Then he sat in the parking lot of my job for an hour, calling my job relentlessly to try to talk to me. I told my brother about it, and my brother called my ex, convinced him to stop, return my medication and go home.

 

So I got a few hours of peace until after work when he threatened to commit suicide. I called the police and he was taken to the hospital to get evaluated. Afterwards he actually thanked me for calling the police, seeing the therapist helped him immensely. He was much calmer after that and we had a good conversation. I was able to better explain my reasons for the breakup, I'm really happy about the talk we had. But then I found out he's been talking to my friend about the whole breakup and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

I'm a fairly private person, i feel like my business should stay MY business. And I never really talk about my relationship issues with anyone. He's actually talked to my friend about the breakup a LOT more than I have. He claims she is a mutual friend, whatever that's fine. I asked him to please not talk to her about our breakup, explained he has plenty of friends to talk to and to leave my one friend out of it. He said okay, but didn't seem too happy about it.

 

But now I'm really curious, was he telling her the truth about what happened? Did she agree with him? It's honestly kind of bothering me. I haven't heard from my friend all day, she never texted me back. Would it be wrong of me to ask her what they talked about? I don't want to make her choose sides or anything, if she wants to be friends with him that's totally fine, I'm not trying to rule her life. Opinions? Advice?

 

I also feel like I can't talk to my friend about anything now because I feel she may talk to my ex about it. Last week I told her something and she forwarded it to my ex (we were dating at that time). It's just a weird situation and I don't really know what to do/ how to feel about it.

 

Thanks in advance.

[Starfish 123]

This is a bit tricky eh. Umm, I might give a little bit of space to this friend. If she forwarded something from you last week to your ex, then I wouldn't really trust her with talking about this situation. I am not sure that your friend has very good boundaries. She might have been a good support in the past, but she could be feeling a bit conflicted about this situation because she wants to be friends with you both. I suggest you let the dust settle a bit. I don't know that your friend would be honest if you asked her what they talked about. I can understand your curiosity to be sure, but maybe best "not to go there"? Hopefully you have got some other friends that you can talk with, if you wanted to ? (Hey good on you for making the break by the way !!)

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

This is a bit tricky eh. Umm, I might give a little bit of space to this friend. If she forwarded something from you last week to your ex, then I wouldn't really trust her with talking about this situation. I am not sure that your friend has very good boundaries. She might have been a good support in the past, but she could be feeling a bit conflicted about this situation because she wants to be friends with you both. I suggest you let the dust settle a bit. I don't know that your friend would be honest if you asked her what they talked about. I can understand your curiosity to be sure, but maybe best "not to go there"? Hopefully you have got some other friends that you can talk with, if you wanted to ? (Hey good on you for making the break by the way !!)

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. I don't want to put her in an awkward spot. I'll just leave her alone for a couple days then try to hang out next week.

 

My ex had also texted my dad and explained absolutely everything, no censor. He seriously overstepped some boundaries there. My dad didn't text back but let me read the messages. My ex only explained what I did wrong, and I admit I did make mistakes but he was putting all the blame on me. It's my family of course they're gonna stay on my side, but since I have that in my mind it makes me wonder what exactly he told my friend.

[Jibralta]

I think you're actually asking if your friend should be encouraging your ex to vent to her, while keeping you at arm's length?

 

I think this may one of those situations where you discover who your true friends are, or at least the quality of your friendships. Consider your dad's reaction: He didn't respond and he turned the phone over to you so that you could read the texts. That's total loyalty. But of course, he's your dad.

 

There's a spectrum of loyalty, and friends run the gamut. With some people, you do have to weigh the costs against the benefits. Some friends can't keep a secret at all, but are always there when you need them.

 

What bothers me about this friend is that she forwarded something that you told her to your boyfriend. What was her motive for doing that? I would have a hard time trusting her, or even seeing her as a real friend after that.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

I think you're actually asking if your friend should be encouraging your ex to vent to her, while keeping you at arm's length?

 

I think this may one of those situations where you discover who your true friends are, or at least the quality of your friendships. Consider your dad's reaction: He didn't respond and he turned the phone over to you so that you could read the texts. That's total loyalty. But of course, he's your dad.

 

There's a spectrum of loyalty, and friends run the gamut. With some people, you do have to weigh the costs against the benefits. Some friends can't keep a secret at all, but are always there when you need them.

 

What bothers me about this friend is that she forwarded something that you told her to your boyfriend. What was her motive for doing that? I would have a hard time trusting her, or even seeing her as a real friend after that.

 

Yeah there is now a trust issue. It pissed me off when I found out she forwarded the message but I had enough going on with my ex at the time I didn't care to start an argument & didn't bring it up to her. I had asked my ex (while we were still dating) if I could read the texts between him and my friend, I wanted to see the context and understand the situation better. She didn't send it to him out of the blue, he asked her a question related to the texts (between her and I) and she forwarded my text as a response.

 

When I did talk to her about the breakup, she knew about him threatening to commit suicide before I told her. Then she claimed I should've given him another chance because of how much he loves me. I said no and explained why, she didn't seem very happy about my explanation (gave me a face) and stopped responding. Then later when I was talking to my ex, he said my friend said I would eventually change my mind and want to get back together with him.

 

I said nothing even close to that. I don't want to get mad at her but this actually is kinda pissing me off.

[Jibralta]

I get the impression that you should distance yourself from this friend.

[Wiseman2]

Change your locks, block him from your phone, social media,etc. get a restraining order which covers both your residence and workplace. Advise a supervisor/HR of the situation. Give all your friends the head's up to not speak with him. if there are friends you can't trust don't confide in them, simply say 'we broke up'.

 

He is too mentally unstable to have a relationship, no less sound judgement. protect yourself.

he sat in the parking lot of my job for an hour, calling my job relentlessly to try to talk to me. I found out he's been talking to my friend about the whole breakup and it makes me uncomfortable.

[Flitzy99]

I have to agree with Jibralta when it comes to maybe letting this person go as your friend. If the trust isn't there because of odd contact she's already had with your former boyfriend, (ie: the forwarding), and you truly feel like you can't talk with her about this based on her radio silence in response to your few texts already, he's either swayed her with whatever nonsense, or she's just not that invested in the friendship you feel that you have or had.

Also, if he's taking liberties in the arena of jeopardizing his or at some point your personal safety over this, please don't wait until your back is to the wall, especially since he waited in your work parking lot paired with his not complying with your request he leave your home. Request at the very least some form of legal advice on boundary maintenance, in the vein of what Wiseman2 stated, and try to be done with his instability as you can once and for all. You deserve to feel safe at all times and to not have to put up with utter nonsense as well.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

I have to agree with Jibralta when it comes to maybe letting this person go as your friend. If the trust isn't there because of odd contact she's already had with your former boyfriend, (ie: the forwarding), and you truly feel like you can't talk with her about this based on her radio silence in response to your few texts already, he's either swayed her with whatever nonsense, or she's just not that invested in the friendship you feel that you have or had.

Also, if he's taking liberties in the arena of jeopardizing his or at some point your personal safety over this, please don't wait until your back is to the wall, especially since he waited in your work parking lot paired with his not complying with your request he leave your home. Request at the very least some form of legal advice on boundary maintenance, in the vein of what Wiseman2 stated, and try to be done with his instability as you can once and for all. You deserve to feel safe at all times and to not have to put up with utter nonsense as well.

 

My family is way ahead of you in regards to my personal safety. My dad already changed the locks and everyone is on super high alert. I'm much calmer about the situation, I don't think he'll do anything, but I'm not discouraging anything. His behavior surprised me quite a bit on Friday, so it's quite obvious anything can happen.

 

Anyways, in regards to my friend I decided I'll be keeping her at a distance. Isn't too difficult anyway, she's been a distant friend from the start. I asked my ex not to talk to her about our relationship issues and explained why. I then told my friend how it makes me uncomfortable and if she could refrain from it, as well as stop relaying messages from me to him, that would be great. She claimed he is relentlessly messaging her about everything and sent me some screen shots of it. I couldn't see the whole convo though, so I don't really know what to think about it (they obviously have been talking but in the screen shots she sent she hadn't responded). I don't feel like she's loyal to me whatsoever and her behavior lately has been a sign of her true character it seems.

 

Outside of this specific dilemma of mine, she's been fairly rude to me. Never asked if I were okay after the break up, never asks how I'm doing it's always about her, ignores my messages. We were texting consistently back and forth on Saturday, then I ask if she wants to hang out and ghost (I can see that she read the message though). Still nothing from her, yet she's incredibly active on social media. She's always been difficult to read. Looks like yet again I'm having issues in regards to friendships and the quality of my friends.

 

Like I said, I'll be keeping her at a distance. I'm in the process of reconnecting with some old friends from high school & I'm meeting new people, so hopefully that'll work out well and I can just faze her out of my life. It seems like I just can't catch a break

[abitbroken]

Ok -

 

1) Scenario 1 - he blindsided your friend by calling her and venting and your friend didn't know what the heck to do, so just listened. She was a little shocked that he called. The friend would not betray you but felt really weird and was too surprised to hang up.

 

2) the ex and the friend were in cahoots or the friend is being a shoulder to cry on.

 

Before you dump the friend, make sure its not #1, where the friend didn't ask for it, but the guy did it and the friend is not disloyal to you, and you are misreading her. She is annoyed that he called her and feels awkward, doesn't know what to make of it, so is being short with you, or is not being rude, but is busy and you are reading too much into her short messages.

 

Honestly, I would call the police the next time he tries to come over. Change the locks. He is not allowed in your house anymore. Cops won't come because merely an ex boyfriend is over, but if he is stealing medication and threatening suicide, they will.

[Flitzy99]

My family is way ahead of you in regards to my personal safety. My dad already changed the locks and everyone is on super high alert. I'm much calmer about the situation, I don't think he'll do anything, but I'm not discouraging anything. His behavior surprised me quite a bit on Friday, so it's quite obvious anything can happen.

 

Anyways, in regards to my friend I decided I'll be keeping her at a distance. Isn't too difficult anyway, she's been a distant friend from the start. I asked my ex not to talk to her about our relationship issues and explained why. I then told my friend how it makes me uncomfortable and if she could refrain from it, as well as stop relaying messages from me to him, that would be great. She claimed he is relentlessly messaging her about everything and sent me some screen shots of it. I couldn't see the whole convo though, so I don't really know what to think about it (they obviously have been talking but in the screen shots she sent she hadn't responded). I don't feel like she's loyal to me whatsoever and her behavior lately has been a sign of her true character it seems.

 

Outside of this specific dilemma of mine, she's been fairly rude to me. Never asked if I were okay after the break up, never asks how I'm doing it's always about her, ignores my messages. We were texting consistently back and forth on Saturday, then I ask if she wants to hang out and ghost (I can see that she read the message though). Still nothing from her, yet she's incredibly active on social media. She's always been difficult to read. Looks like yet again I'm having issues in regards to friendships and the quality of my friends.

 

Like I said, I'll be keeping her at a distance. I'm in the process of reconnecting with some old friends from high school & I'm meeting new people, so hopefully that'll work out well and I can just faze her out of my life. It seems like I just can't catch a break

Good for your family on being proactive for the sake of both your and their safety. I'm also glad to hear that you're reconnecting with other friends. I hope that some lasting bonds are formed within those relationships and that you are able to find yourself surrounded by true support. Very sorry you've had to go through this, but wishing you nothing other than positivity from here on out.