Moving towards moving on, after broken NC

[gypsybird87]

I'm working towards moving on, and in general I'm doing okay.

 

Against all advice here, after 27 days of NC, I did contact him. I texted one question: Are you still happy with your decision? He responded that happy was not a word he would use. It was a decision he needed to make, and he made it... but it was not one that felt good or made him happy. This is almost exactly the response I was expecting, but for whatever dumb reason I still needed to hear it from him directly in order to fully let go of hope that since we'd been apart, his feelings might have changed. We had a heartfelt exchange about how we were both feeling. Some of it was hard to hear, like that he misses me all the time, that I was the one he talked to most about everything, and how much he wishes I was "the one." I know, I know... the perils of breaking NC means you risk hearing stuff like this. But it wasn't horrible, more bittersweet than anything.

 

Over the next few days we exchanged some friendly, non-serious texts. I tried to gauge how I was feeling about that, and could I be his friend or not. I decided I wasn't comfortable with how I was feeling, and told him I don't think I can do this. He said he'd been hoping for the best since we'd been having good friendly texting for the prior few days. I told him I contacted him because I needed to know if his feelings had changed. They have not, and I need to accept that. I have no idea how to be his friend, and I want to go back to NC. I thanked him for everything he did for me, and said I'll never forget him. He panicked again, and said I was making it an absolute. And that he still hopes that once more time has gone by, we can see each other as friends. He doesn't want to lose me or our friendship. I replied I wasn't trying to be hurtful, and as far as an absolute? Who knows. More time... maybe. I have no idea. We exchanged a few more messages, both expressing how great the relationship was and how we both wish it could have grown into more, but that we have no regrets. Finally I typed, "Better to have loved and lost, and all that sh*t..." with a goofy emoticon. He sent back "Hahaha! I agree!" And I said, "I'm going to say goodnight on this positive note. I hope we are able to meet again someday." And he said, "Sleep well. I really hope we meet again someday too."

 

The end. I felt good about it, and still do. This was what I needed to do. I firmly agree that in a lot of cases, strict NC forever is best, and that any attempt to reach out will usually result in a negative reaction and/or more pain. For me with this particular relationship, this worked best. Returning to NC was also the best move, and I'm glad I did that too. Will we ever reconnect as friends? I have no idea, though it's probably unlikely. But whether we do or not, I am at peace with how things stand. I had no painful moments during this interaction, and I shed no tears. The outcome was exactly what I expected it would be, so I was prepared. But the annoying little "psssst..... what if???"s that were driving me nutty have now all been silenced. That's what I needed in order to move ahead, and I'm glad I reached out to him. I still have him blocked on FB and elsewhere and I'm comfortable with that. I had already deleted his contact info from my phone and I have not re-added it. Photos, texting etc have all been deleted. I can't really say my healing was "set back" by this break. Rather I feel like the healing was on hold/stuck (which is why I wanted the contact), and now it's finally going forward because I'm accepting that the 'moving on without him' path is the one I unfortunately have to take.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share my experiences. I'm not advocating for anyone to break NC- it's a huge risk and you have to be prepared for anything, including disaster. I was fortunate that my read on things and on how my ex would handle it (with kindness and caring) was correct.

 

Hugs to all who are hurting over a breakup. No matter how it happens, it's never easy. Hang in there.

[JTP1994]

I can't thank on my phone but I really liked this read.

 

You seem to be coping well which is nice. I kinda' feel a bit stuck right now but I seen her with a new guy (I think) and I'm not willing to utter a word to that hateful, blaming human.

 

Anyway thanks for this post all the best with your further healing.

[Clinton]

At the end of the day, whatever it takes to move on is the right thing to do.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sounds like you're headed in the right direction, however have you blocked him from contacting you by text, as well?

[gypsybird87]

Sounds like you're headed in the right direction, however have you blocked him from contacting you by text, as well?

 

I haven't, but I trust him to not break NC. He didn't before, and I don't think he will now. He's an honest, trustworthy, all around good guy. That's part of what makes losing him so hard. He told me if I ever change my mind, I know how to reach him. I believe he'll honor that, and leave it to me to make any future moves.

[Wolfshook]

I know exactly where you come from, I've been there 2 months ago when my ex called me sobbing and then gosted me, we then had a little chat and it turned out that "she still has feelings for me but not enough for relationship", went nc again. Emediately after I felt much like you and it didnt bother me. But sadly it bothers me now, I just hope it wont be the same for you, fingers crossed.

 

Hope you find happyness once again.

 

I can't thank on my phone but I really liked this read.

 

You seem to be coping well which is nice. I kinda' feel a bit stuck right now but I seen her with a new guy (I think) and I'm not willing to utter a word to that hateful, blaming human.

 

Anyway thanks for this post all the best with your further healing.

 

Oh,that must be shocking, hope you're ok.

[gypsybird87]

I know exactly where you come from, I've been there 2 months ago when my ex called me sobbing and then gosted me, we then had a little chat and it turned out that "she still has feelings for me but not enough for relationship", went nc again. Emediately after I felt much like you and it didnt bother me. But sadly it bothers me now, I just hope it wont be the same for you, fingers crossed.

 

Hope you find happyness once again.

 

Thanks, wolf. I'm anticipating some continued ups and downs, but hopefully the overall trend will be up. At least I feel like I'm moving forward, instead of in circles around hope for the impossible. I'm glad you returned to NC as well. It's so hard when they dump us, but want to stay friends etc and won't fully let go. As I was telling a friend, I think part of the NC magic is power. While I was communicating with him, I was at a disadvantage and he was withholding what I want- the relationship. Now we are back to NC, and he's at a disadvantage while I withhold what *he* wants - the friendship. Not that I am a controlling sort but this dynamic feels much better to me, because there is far less potential for me to get hurt. I try to keep in mind what I'm rejecting (via NC) is not the relationship that I had and still want. I'm rejecting the watered down alternative that he's offering me. Maybe someday we can meet on an equal plain where we *both* want nothing but friendship. Until then, this is the only way. I'm sorry you're hurting again.

[Clinton]

At the end of the day, whatever it takes to move on is the right thing to do.

 

I forgot to add "except shooting them" That would be bad.......most times anyway.

[gypsybird87]

I forgot to add "except shooting them" That would be bad.......most times anyway.

 

Agreed, that usually creates more problems than it solves.... lol

[Maximus007]

gypsy, after you helped me today, I read through all of your posts. I feel for you and hope you are doing well. Stay strong!

 

This is my first time on this website since 2009, which was my last significant breakup... Isn't there a way to do direct messages? I couldn't find a link for that. I'd like to support each other in that way.

 

Thanks.

[gypsybird87]

Maximus007, it says you either have the messaging option turned off, or are "not allowed " to send and receive messages. ??? Maybe double check your settings. I'm still learning my way around here too...

[Maximus007]

I think I just turned on Messages. Could you check? I'm confused haha.

[gypsybird87]

Same result. I'd recommend checking with the admins. There's a thread (in off topic, I think) about forum help. I've asked a couple of questions there.

[Maximus007]

Shoot, we'll figure it out. Anyways, I'm having a breakup learning/rebuilding session right now. Have you watched Matthew Hussey on YouTube? Hussey has some pure gold for woman. I'm watching a few because it's pretty universal. I'll try posting a link here, not sure it will work. Also, I'd recommend Eddie Corbano of LovesAGame. Let me know.

[Maximus007]

[LovelyDani87]

It's always a bad idea to initiate contact, unfortunately break ups are not like in the movies. In reality, they're usually done for good. At the end of the days, it will still hurt like hell knowing the person you once loved is content moving on without you. But glad you seem to have a peace of mind right now.

[Maximus007]

Gypsybird, what is your age may i ask? Just wondering in correlation to your wisdom.