How to find peace and move on?

[Mg99]

Hi guys,

 

I posted my story on here a few weeks ago. The specifics of the breakup really don't matter however, as everyone here knows the pain associated with one. I am having an incredibly difficult time letting go, moving on and finding peace. I am plagued by feelings of guilt, hopelessness, despair and extreme solitude. I feel alone in my suffering, no matter how many people I am with or how many people comfort me. I have struggled with depression off an on for years, and this has really shown me what happens when you take away a main source of a depressed person's happiness. I am destroyed and now suffering from anxiety due to the breakup along with my depression resurfacing. I do realize one person being my happiness is exactly the issue here. Also don't worry, I have started seeing a therapist and am going to see a psychiatrist for sleep medication and possibly anti-depressants. I am trying to fix what I've ignored for years.

 

But it's been 7 weeks since the breakup and I don't feel any better. Yesterday I had a horrible panic attack, and I keep waking up from dreams of us together and realizing we are not and crying. I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare. Basically, I'm looking for advice or stories of how you guys recovered from your breakups, then either found someone new, reconciled, or found peace with being alone. I want to know the process and the end result of how happiness can be regained after this. Thank you all so much!

[JTP1994]

Hey

 

Sorry to hear about all this, I feel low just reading this. I really hope you're okay for starters.

 

But have you cut all contact? I mean ALL unless you work together or have children... If not then you are doing yourself a disservice.

 

The dreams fade, try to think about your ex maybe a little more through the day, try not to repress it to the point of extremity. When I start to think about them I channel it into a better place so lets think like I may be thinking "I wish we were just doing this right now..." but then I'd think "she wasn't even that good of company, what a waste of my time." etc... Not sure if that's healthy or not but hey it works for stopping the dreams.

 

With the depression showing again, I would suggest some medication and counselling... But make sure you make counselling a priority instead of thinking of the meds as your way of getting through. I suffer with depression but I'm medication free and try to help myself without medication as much as possible.

 

Not sure what to suggest... But please do not contact them in any way at all and try take your time. Join the gym, start running... Become active. Translate all negative feelings into something, anything!

 

I watch a lot of pro wrestling lately.. I can criticise it, discuss it, write about it, I can do it and I can stay focussed with it. If I had to write a book I would suggest 2 things after a break up; get an active hobby and a lazy one. They go so well with each other. I wish my lazy one was eating pizza.

 

Loads of people will be here to help though!

[Clinton]

Healing is a marathon not a sprint. It takes time, usually a lot of it. Studies put getting over divorce at about 18 months. A year to feel better and another 6 months to be really past it. That was my and my friends experience after significant relationships ended.

 

Don't expect instantly to feel better, it's an incremental process. But we all get there sooner or later. You will too.

[Aceofhearts]

Hang in there, I'm suffering exactly the same things you are. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I just hope you can find some peace in that you aren't alone.

[Jibralta]

After a painful breakup, I write a lot, bingewatch/read super-emotional self-help stuff, commiserate with friends, drink a lot. Frequenting relationship forums has helped. When I can't sleep, I usually turn the lights on and lie there. I don't try to sleep. I just let the thoughts go and eventually, sleep comes.

 

It really is the worst, and there's no escape. There are reminders everywhere.

 

One time, a guy I was involved with moved to South Carolina and I visited him there, only to discover that he had moved on without letting me know. That sucked. For months after that, every time I saw one of those little palm-trees-with-crescent-moon stickers on someone's car, my heart would skip a beat. It was like that stupid palm tree was stabbing me, every single time. Really annoying.

 

But it fades over time. It really does.

[Itchy]

It has been seven weeks, which isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, you aren't going to move on overnight but you are making steady progress, each day, it's getting easier (although it may not feel like it at the moment). You just recover, there's no magic formula, it takes time to heal, but once you've healed you'll be well on your way into a new chapter in your life. Just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself, don't be harsh on yourself and don't force yourself to move on. You will move on, we all do.

[Hermes]

Mg. Hope the therapist is providing much help, insight and support for you at this awful time.

 

The goal is "to find peace with being alone".

No one "external" can provide us with that, only ourselves.

 

"Learn to be compassionate with yourself

For many people, it’s more natural to be compassionate towards friends and family than it is toward themselves. Work on eliminating critical and harsh self-talk. Imagining what you would say to a friend in the same situation should help with developing skills for positive self-talk.

Enjoy time alone

Whether it be taking a walk in the park, going out for a nice meal, or seeing a great movie, learning to enjoy your own company and doing activities you enjoy when alone is crucial for cultivating self-love.

Make a list of the characteristics you LIKE about yourself

Too often we get caught-up with only thinking about what it is we don’t like about ourselves and what we wish we could change. For most, recognizing and appreciating our positive qualities takes effort and practice. Set aside time every day to read your list.

Celebrate your accomplishments

No matter how big or small our successes or accomplishments are, it’s important to feel worthy of celebrating them. Celebrating our accomplishments reinforces our acknowledgement and integration of our positive qualities."

 

/

[JTP1994]

Mg. Hope the therapist is providing much help, insight and support for you at this awful time.

 

The goal is "to find peace with being alone".

No one "external" can provide us with that, only ourselves.

 

"Learn to be compassionate with yourself

For many people, it’s more natural to be compassionate towards friends and family than it is toward themselves. Work on eliminating critical and harsh self-talk. Imagining what you would say to a friend in the same situation should help with developing skills for positive self-talk.

Enjoy time alone

Whether it be taking a walk in the park, going out for a nice meal, or seeing a great movie, learning to enjoy your own company and doing activities you enjoy when alone is crucial for cultivating self-love.

Make a list of the characteristics you LIKE about yourself

Too often we get caught-up with only thinking about what it is we don’t like about ourselves and what we wish we could change. For most, recognizing and appreciating our positive qualities takes effort and practice. Set aside time every day to read your list.

Celebrate your accomplishments

No matter how big or small our successes or accomplishments are, it’s important to feel worthy of celebrating them. Celebrating our accomplishments reinforces our acknowledgement and integration of our positive qualities."

 

]

 

AMEN to that, eh.

 

My singularity is my happiness and I'm slowly regaining it. Noticed this after a month of being broke up... Can only hope Mg will eventually see that too.

[Mg99]

Hi JTP

Thanks for your response. I actually read your post and it was what inspired me to post again! I felt like I was reading both my own feelings and my ex's both during the relationship and the breakup. The depression, the relationship being dead, the inability to help the other person. It made me feel so guilty for him having to deal with my depression, although I tried to not bring it up and it was def not a parent child type dynamic. I was just low, whereas he dealt with his through anger and not treating me well. I have never tried medication before for depression, but I can't sleep or eat and keep having panic attacks (anxiety symptoms) and dealing with those on top of being depressed is unbearable. I am exhausted from being so low. I have always been really active and into health and fitness, so I already work out several times a week. I took golf lessons this semester at uni, so I'm trying to keep that going this summer at home. I'll try and think of a lazy hobby! Thanks for the help and I hope you find the peace of mind and answers to your questions.

[Mg99]

Hi Hermes, thank you! I used to love my alone time and "me time" to recharge after a long day. Now, my anxiety is unbearable when I am alone and I miss being able to relax. I guess I'm just exhausted and wish I could wake up and not have to feel all this pain.

[Hermes]

Mg. It will take time. I once saw this kind of situation being described as having to scrape off the sludge bit by bit. The therapist will help, and I hope you are able to see him/her often. You need that support.

 

You are exhausted, so even on a physical level could I suggest you pamper yourself a little, in small ways.

[JTP1994]

Hi JTP

Thanks for your response. I actually read your post and it was what inspired me to post again! I felt like I was reading both my own feelings and my ex's both during the relationship and the breakup. The depression, the relationship being dead, the inability to help the other person. It made me feel so guilty for him having to deal with my depression, although I tried to not bring it up and it was def not a parent child type dynamic. I was just low, whereas he dealt with his through anger and not treating me well. I have never tried medication before for depression, but I can't sleep or eat and keep having panic attacks (anxiety symptoms) and dealing with those on top of being depressed is unbearable. I am exhausted from being so low. I have always been really active and into health and fitness, so I already work out several times a week. I took golf lessons this semester at uni, so I'm trying to keep that going this summer at home. I'll try and think of a lazy hobby! Thanks for the help and I hope you find the peace of mind and answers to your questions.

 

Humans are devlish beings and after reading so many posts on this site I come to the conclusion that like 90% of relationships are already dead before they end, but we never notice it until it is much too late.

 

I would consider seeing your GP sooner rather than later and trying to look into fixing some of these personal issues. They will pass anyway, I think! But in the meantime look at what options you may have. Hopefully my post has helped to some degree - it does take a long time... Or sometimes acceptance can make a massive difference. As in I am of the understanding that we are over, she may care/miss/love/think about me... But do I really care? No. These are the thoughts we need to avoid. I'm going off on one here, sorry. But hey. Try keep your head

 

I can't remember how you make bronze status, but when you do PM me

[gumption86]

Mg99, just curious have you heard of the 'APPLE' technique of CBT? I have been given this to practice and sometimes it helps.

[Mg99]

Hey gumption86 no I haven't, what is it?

[irnbru16]

It will take time, i had a terrible break up 8 years ago. Now going through again. My experience tell me that you got to be busy. Do something that you have only dreamt of. Go out, dont worry if you are alone, take pictures, join gym. Read. DO NOT think about it.

 

Promise yourself that you will never going to get sad on what happened, only you can make yourself happy quickly. Listen happy songs, watch happy music, meditate, do the volunteer stuff.

Leave your house, its a beautiful world out there.

 

Hope my advice works. That's what i am doing now, i have decided not be sad. I did my part, i was faithful.

 

Cheers

[gumption86]

APPLE is for tolerating uncertainty and when you have those thoughts like 'I don't know what else I should do', 'I remember that time we went to that coffee shop/park/restaurant' whatever, you know all those annoying little reminders that bring back painful memories.

 

A - Acknowledge - Notice and acknowledge the uncertainty as it comes to mind.

 

P - Pause - Don't react as you normally do. Don't react at all. Just pause and breathe.

 

P - Pull back - Tell yourself this is just the worry talking, and this apparent need for certainty is not helpful and not necessary (or if it's a painful thought that this thought is not necessary or helpful).

 

L - Let go - Let go of the thought or feeling about needing certainty. Tell yourself it's ONLY a thought or feeling. Don't believe everything you think! Thoughts are not statements of fact. They will pass. You don't have to respond to them. You might imagine them floating away in a bubble or cloud.

 

E - Explore - You can explore the present moment, because right now, in this moment, we are ok. Notice your breathing, and the sensations of breathing. Notice the ground beneath you, look around you and notice what you see, what you hear, what you can touch, what you can smell. Right now. Then shift your focus of attention to something else - on what you need to do, on what you were doing before you noticed the worrying thought or do something else - mindfully, with your full attention.

 

I have started practising this as I tend to overthink a lot, and need my mind to slow down and deal with nay painful memories and reminders of him. It's hard, but it does help. Hope you find it useful.