Cannot shake this feeling

[moodindigo91]

I have clearly woken up on the wrong side of the bed for many weeks and months. Today, it feels like I've hit rock bottom. It's taking a lot of energy to keep myself from crying at work, when yesterday I was feeling just fine. My problem is, I know exactly what I need to do to remedy my situation, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it, and I feel that in either position, I'm destined for prolonged depression, so I remain static and do not take any action. Here's the deal: I live with my ex-boyfriend, our relationship has been rocky, I relived some experiences this morning in my head that I spent months trying to erase... he did the initial dumping, stating that he still loved me but felt like we were just going through the motions. This is after he likely cheated on me. I was devastated as a naive person would be, and shortly after that I lost my job. We remained in the same apartment (the lease is up this coming August) because I lost my job and he just got out of the Navy and neither of us had much expendable income to move. A few months ago, he decided he still loved me and wanted to get back together. At this point, I had finally reached the moment where I was feeling okay about the break up and wanted to move on. I even landed a new job. I asked him for some space to think about it and I wasn't given any. He became pushy and affectionate, and gets mad when I don't return the affection.

 

That's all fine and good, but then there's my neighbor. He's been our friend basically the entire three years I've been with my ex, and he's actually been witness to a lot of the disrespect I've been handed from my ex. He has always pretty much been supportive of me and to me, and we have a lot in common. However, we are not allowed to really talk or hang out without my ex being jealous. I began to develop some feelings toward him a while ago but I haven't let them surface at all. We were meeting for coffee before work several times a week (my ex has no job still and doesn't plan to ever get one). And then on Memorial Day weekend they devised a plan to go out for drinks. At first I was hesitant. I didn't want to go out and get drunk with my ex-boyfriend and neighbor-crush... seemed like it would be a bad idea. But I didn't want to decline either and be weird about it, so I went. Neighbor got drunk and sort of let me know his feelings for me while my ex (also drunk) was outside smoking a cigarette. Since then, I've not heard from him.

 

I feel like I'm living a double life and I'm lying to myself. I know what I HAVE to do, and that is to cut romantic ties all together with my ex and move out. But for some reason I can't bring myself to actually do it. I'm terrified of change. And I think if I cut ties with my ex I'll also have to cut ties with my neighbor, too. Which makes me sad (not that I want to be with the guy, but he's genuinely a good friend). Because of all of this my anxiety levels are sky-rocketing and I can't seem to make myself feel better, knowing what I have to do and being terrified to do it. I guess I'm not sure what I'm asking for but I needed to type this all out regardless.

[catfeeder]

Cannot shake this feeling

 

My problem is, I know exactly what I need to do to remedy my situation, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it,

 

Change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy. Then make a better decision.

 

When you're in hell, don't stop--move yourself out of there. Nobody else can do this for you.

 

Head high, and push forward.

[Wiseman2]

Isn't living in this neither here nor there weirdness terrifying also? You're not together but you're living together. You can't possibly heal or move on with the knife still in place.

 

Reflect on why you believe you can't move and must continue to live there. What is the real reason you are staying? money?

I feel like I'm living a double life and I'm lying to myself.I'm terrified of change.