Does he like me?

[moodindigo91]

So, I've been dating this guy now for three years or so. We live together, I moved here from across the country to be with him three years ago. Let's call him J. We also have a dog, which we are both very attached to. That aside, this relationship has been mostly toxic. He likely cheated on me, definitely lied, disrespected me and I disrespected him in turn. He dumped me and I lost my job, we stayed living together for a long time until eventually he decided he loved me still right at the time when I wanted to move on.

 

For the first year and a half of our relationship, we were partying and clubbing every weekend and our neighbor and good friend, we will call him T, came everywhere with us. He was seemingly close with J and I never really thought much about him. Once we really stopped drinking and we all matured a bit, it was easy for T and I to become better friends. It turns out we have a lot in common. And it turns out he respects me a great deal, and he has seen first hand some of the crap I've been put through with J.

 

Recently, J and I have been in a weird position, I asked for space and he didn't give me any. He's been trying to win me back and I am sometimes receptive, my weakness kicks in and I think of any good times we have. The downfall of living with one another. However, T has been asking me to lunch, for coffee and so on. We now work close to one another (J doesn't have a job) and have gotten coffee and lunch several times. After getting coffee one day, he said he'd missed me over the weekend and then sent me a text later that day saying something like "it's great to know someone like you who has real interests and it's nice to start the day with you, just know that you are special and have a great day". And since then he's texted me at random times wishing me a good day, asking how I am, saying we should get together soon.

 

I should also mention that over the years, especially during the drunken years, T and J have had a few clashes as well. Ones where J disrespects T, and so on. He's always more or less forgiven him. But J is so negative. T always said how much he didn't like how J treated him and things but it never stopped him from hanging out with him every day. Until recently, when T decided he didn't want to hang around him any longer, stopped coming over when J invites him, even when I am not home.

 

Anyway I know for sure that I need to break up with J. I'm going to, I'm just building up the courage. My question is, is T into me? If he is, has he always been? And what should I do? I want to move out obviously, and when I do T and J will still be neighbors. Not sure how to go forward, cutting contact with both J and T seems rash especially since I like spending time with T so much and he's never done anything wrong. But getting involved with him seems like it might be opening the door to so much more complication. Advice?

[melancholy123]

If you dump J and get together with T you are going from the frying pan into the fire. You can't successfully play musical chairs with these guys, it won't work. If you leave, you need to be on your own and stay single for a good amount of time - 6 mos to a year, and get yourself together and know what you want to do and see if you want to be with either of them at that time. Rebound relationships are rarely successful.

[nuttybuddy]

well, to be honest, your post didn't really talk about how YOU feel toward T. i think you like him as a friend, but i'm not sure if you're romantically interested in him. i think you may be 50/50 on whether you like him romantically.

 

to give you an idea of what can happen, i'll share a little bit of what happened with me. i was dating my bf, but my long time guy friend decided to confess to me anyway that he liked me. i was very flattered, but in my mind i was thinking "this is crazy! i'm in a relationship with someone. he's out of his mind if he thinks i'm gonna dump my bf for him." but i think my friend was hoping for exactly that because of some of the negative things i might have told him about my bf. for me, there was just no way to consider anybody else in the world for me as long as i was in a relationship. because i believe if you're in a relationship, you're in it willingly because he's the best person for you. but of course, my relationship had a breaking point and we did break up. then after a long while, i checked in on my friend to see if he was still interested, and lo and behold! he was. so we gave it a go, but it didn't quite work out because i found out my heart was not that into him as i wanted it to be. the point is, my friend had the guts to confess he liked me even though i was in a relationship. maybe T is being respectful of your relationship by not confessing to you that he likes you. but it doesn't matter. the thing that REALLY MATTERS is what does YOUR HEART tell you? if you think you like T less than J, forget it. if you think you like T more than J, then dump J and stay single for a while. If T ends up asking you out after you've become single, you'll cross that bridge when you get there. but for now, i think you're thinking too much about it.

[James516]

Your first questions should be about strength and not the drama going on. As in how you're going to end the relationship with J, move out, have zero contact with J to prevent any chance of flings with him or talking his way back, and establish your own independence. Then you will be in a healthy position to start thinking about dating.

[tracyis300]

Mann! What is this? Melrose place!

Sorry, but once the breakup happens(?) you need to lay low for awhile to build up your mentality of the single life and when ready to start dating again.

T seems to be the ideal guy? But for him to go behind J's back and soft-talk you up! Is "questionable" as is?

But the best advice is to confront T on his intentions of where "he thinks" this friendship is going?

Although you value your relationship with him for the present time, but believe your Conscience when you said "opening the door to so much more complication" is exactly where things will be headed.

But it's obvious that you have a place for T in your heart and that the timing isn't to your favor. So you could just disregard your thinking and continue to build T's friendship to where it may or may not be something? or slowly decay it, for him to notice that all it will be is what it already is?!

Good luck with the dilemma!