Reconciliation after multiple breakups

[sinfjotli]

This will be a long story, but bear with me; I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years. The first 3 months we were in the same place in Europe, but then she moved to the US and we continued LDR for the next 5 years. Finally last year I managed to move to the same city as her.

 

Unfortunately, since she comes from a muslim family (although she is not religious at all), she didn't want us to live together until we get married. I accepted it but it meant that I had to live on my own, and I didn't enjoy my life in the US too much (I think in part because we haven't lived together). She is bound to stay in the US another couple of years, so if I stay with her I need to get used to it.

 

I tried to make myself propose to her last September, and I got the ring, but I returned it after two weeks of deciding. Then, I asked her for a break.

 

After a month of NC, I missed her a lot so I called her and offer reconciliation. We lasted for a month, but then broke up again because I wasn't sure to go in 100%.

 

The same thing happened another 2-3 times since then: I miss her, ask her to come back, and then when we are together I am not in 100% and leave.

 

I realize this is all in my control, and I'd really like to break this cycle. I can't seem to leave her, but I can't stay 100% in either.

 

I think that honestly I need to just man up and stop asking her for reconciliation because inevitably she gets hurt more and more.

 

Has anybody experienced something similar? This is my first serious breakup although I am 32 now.

 

I can't think about anything else than my relationship at the moment, even my work perfomance and other friendships are suffering because of this. My GF is a very special person and I hate that I am hurting her so much, but at the same time I keep messing things up more and more.

 

How does one learn to let go? I feel that I am breaking the trust of very many people at the same time, and it will haunt me for a long time unless I act fast.

[realistic1817]

Sounds like you are suffering from commitment issues. It isn't fair to her. What you are doing is stringing her along, yea you love her but you know you are not ready to fully commit, yet you don't want her to move on with her life. That in itself is selfish. Either love her, commit to her and be happy, or let her go. All of this back and forth is causing her unnecessary psychological damage.

 

I suggest you get counseling to see why you are so afraid to commit to her?? You obviously want to do it but something pulls you back every time. You will continue to do this dance until you figure out the reason behind it. Letting go despite loving someone is called a selfless act. It is not easy and you will experience pain and suffering from it just as she is every time you ask for a reconciliation then break her heart all over again by breaking up with her.

 

Think about her pain for once, and man up. I am quite surprised she has actually put up with this and accepted you back after your stunts but she obviously loves you and wants it to work. Fix internally whats wrong or risk losing her forever. The saying is absolutely true that when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do it will be too late. You are close to that or maybe she is already fed up. Good luck!

 

Realistic

[sinfjotli]

Thank you! I agree that my behavior is very selfish; I usually try to be kind and understanding, and I hate hurting people so much. But my emotions are a mess and I can't seem to overcome the commitment issues. I think at this point the only fair solution is for me to leave her alone, accept that I have lost her forever, and try to move on. But she actually still believes that I will be coming back since I did it so many times already. I stopped writing her now because I know that it causes more damage, but she contacts me from time to time herself, and when she does my emotions for her grow again and ai keep trying to fix it again.

 

I need to learn to be strong and don't contact her unless I have a ring for her in my pocket. She definitely deserves better than me although she herself doesn't believe it now (she loves me a lot).

 

I have been seeing a therapist about this problem for a year now (even before my episode with the ring), because I could not make myself at ease to have sex with her most of the time. I think what happens is that I am used to having her as an emotional support, but I don't seem to see her as much of a sexual partner (although I don't sleep with anyone else). My body and gut feeling has been trying to withdraw from this relationship for a while, but when I do I miss the emotional connection and the life we had (and planned) together.

[jmann45]

Its commitment issues and for some reason you are scared to commit. Something that has happened to you in the past perhaps? I dont know. But you shouldnt put her through this. Let her go and figure yourself out first. You need to have your own self together before you can start running into relationships. If you run into relationships without figuring yourself out first, you rely on the other person to make you feel some type of way. Now you keep getting back with her because you miss her and the feelings she provided to you. That seems like the sole reason, but i dont know. I say completely cut off connection and figure yourself out. Until you do, dont go back to her. This is something you have to do while youre single. not while in a relationship.

[sinfjotli]

I can thing of 2 reasons for my fear of commitment: 1) location, I wouldn't want to live in the US long term (although short term is OK) and while she is ok with moving to Europe where my family is in a few years, if things don't work for her there we'd be up for a transantlantic relationship with kids; 2) her family, which may not approve her marrying a non-muslim, although recently they seemed more open to it (after we went through the first breakup); nevertheless her family doesn't know I exist and I cannot meet them before we get engaged. Sometimes I think a simpler setup would produce a happier marriage, although we do complement each other great and love each other too (at least she does for sure).

 

I agree that working these questions by myself is the right way to go. She doesn't deserve to be bothered by me when I am not 100% in.

[DancingFool]

I can thing of 2 reasons for my fear of commitment: 1) location, I wouldn't want to live in the US long term (although short term is OK) and while she is ok with moving to Europe where my family is in a few years, if things don't work for her there we'd be up for a transantlantic relationship with kids; 2) her family, which may not approve her marrying a non-muslim, although recently they seemed more open to it (after we went through the first breakup); nevertheless her family doesn't know I exist and I cannot meet them before we get engaged. Sometimes I think a simpler setup would produce a happier marriage, although we do complement each other great and love each other too (at least she does for sure).

 

I agree that working these questions by myself is the right way to go. She doesn't deserve to be bothered by me when I am not 100% in.

 

These sound like some very serious and major concerns and fundamental differences. So I don't think you have issues with committing, I think you need to either address these differences and have resolutions you can live with or make a final decision that it's just not going to work out for the long haul and move on and quit coming back to her (because that last part is kind of selfish). Many marriages have fallen apart over smaller issues than what you've just described and love is just not enough when it comes down to it.

[sinfjotli]

I agree that they are serious issues; part of me wants to believe that they are just fears of the unknown and everything will be ok. But it has been something that I have been struggling to overcome for almost a year now, and I never managed to overcome those fears. So I think the right solution is probably to finally accept that they may be a dealbreaker for me, and let it go.

 

For sure, all of this needs to be handled by myself without coming back to her.

[dave_1966]

Sounds like you are suffering from commitment issues. It isn't fair to her. What you are doing is stringing her along, yea you love her but you know you are not ready to fully commit, yet you don't want her to move on with her life. That in itself is selfish. Either love her, commit to her and be happy, or let her go. All of this back and forth is causing her unnecessary psychological damage.

 

I suggest you get counseling to see why you are so afraid to commit to her?? You obviously want to do it but something pulls you back every time. You will continue to do this dance until you figure out the reason behind it. Letting go despite loving someone is called a selfless act. It is not easy and you will experience pain and suffering from it just as she is every time you ask for a reconciliation then break her heart all over again by breaking up with her.

 

Think about her pain for once, and man up. I am quite surprised she has actually put up with this and accepted you back after your stunts but she obviously loves you and wants it to work. Fix internally whats wrong or risk losing her forever. The saying is absolutely true that when a woman is fed up there is nothing you can do it will be too late. You are close to that or maybe she is already fed up. Good luck!

 

Realistic

 

Commitment issues? This guy deserves a medal, I wouldn't go anywhere near a woman or culture that would only allow me to live together/have sex once married. It would be like spending a fortune on a new sports car without taking taking it for a test drive.

[sinfjotli]

Thank you for the kind words I have lost interest in having sex with her over the last year; I believe this was all related to my fears of what I might be getting into. The life outside of the bedroom was good, and when I just lived in the moment without thinking long term, I had a lot of fun which I now miss obviously.

 

But I am slowly starting to accept that it might not be the right solution for a happy life long term, and I should let both of us move on.

[DancingFool]

There is a huge difference between being able to have fun short term and being able to have a life together long term. Short term things like religion, values, even personality differences are kind of irrelevant, but long term these things are deal breakers.

 

Again, I don't think you are scared or have problems committing. I do think that it's your gut, your instinct screaming at you that this is not a good idea for the long haul - the differences are too vast. Frankly, what you describe sounds more like a good friendship than relationship, especially the lost interest sexually part. Probably time to part ways. You will meet someone else who is more all around compatible to your own and values and then you won't feel so conflicted about things. Your inability to leave her is more of a fear of the unknown and having to get out and date again. Thing is, you will be just fine.

[Bing]

Not sure your going to get much sympathy here! If you can't commit then do yourself and her a favour and walk away, your hurting this poor girl time and time again !! Let her move on and have a chance at finding someone that actually wants to be with her

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but this is not commitment-phobia, she's just not 'The One' but wants to be. Don't string her along, if you view her as just a friend, say so.

I am used to having her as an emotional support, but I don't seem to see her as much of a sexual partner.

[sinfjotli]

Thank you for the help; I am certainly not looking for a sympathy, rather for an opinion on what is the right thing to do in my case. I agree that I have messed up this situation a lot with my uncertainty, and that I need to step back from her for at least a few months and let he move on. If in 6-12 months I get to a place where I am ready to marry her, I can revisit the decision, but of course only if she is still ready to take me back (and without giving her false hopes for now).

[Wiseman2]

But telling her something like this is stringing her along. It's indecisive and giving her false hope that "maybe someday" you'll change your mind.

If in 6-12 months I get to a place where I am ready to marry her, I can revisit the decision

[sinfjotli]

I know... I won't be telling her that; it must be a clean break. It's something I can tell only myself

[sinfjotli]

She wrote me an email again that she misses me and prays that I come back to her; this made me again weak in the knees and made me want to run now to hold her...

 

But I know how this ends up and I know that ultimately the problems that prevented me from committing will still be there. I must be strong for the sake of both of us. But in moments like this I just want to run and save her without looking at the future.

[reinventmyself]

She wrote me an email again that she misses me and prays that I come back to her; this made me again weak in the knees and made me want to run now to hold her...

 

But I know how this ends up and I know that ultimately the problems that prevented me from committing will still be there. I must be strong for the sake of both of us. But in moments like this I just want to run and save her without looking at the future.

 

This is about having integrity and making a conscious, mature decision to do the right thing.

Being an adult isn't easy sometimes, but necessary.

 

I can think of a couple occasions where I knew the man I was seeing wasn't the one, but there was that little part of me that didn't want to give him entirely.

 

I missed them, enjoyed their company and wanted to keep them at my convenience, on my terms. . But that was the wrong thing to do and though it was hard, I didn't return their call.

[sinfjotli]

Thank you for the support; I think the conflict is in the short-term urges vs. long-term emotions. Long-term, I feel (based on the experience from the last year) that she is probably not "the one" (otherwise I'd be happy to propose to her already, if only for the fact that my life would be way simpler if I didn't have to keep looking). But short-term, anything that reminds me of her or the time we spent together puts me in a state where I wish it weren't true.

 

Ultimately I have to tell myself that even if I never find "the one", it is not fair to her to stay with her when I am not ready to commit.

[Wiseman2]

Then you need to free yourself...and her.

she is probably not "the one"

[sinfjotli]

If I think honestly whom I'd like to marry, it would be someone just like her except without the issues around location and family that give me a pause. I have been talking in depth about these two things with her, and even though she is open to go to Europe when she can, and her family loves her a lot so hopefully they'd accept her choice, I can't seem to get over those fears. I may need to accept that while she might be in fact the right person for me, I am not the right man for her at the moment (although she doesn't think so).

[Wiseman2]

These are huge issues and most likely will not change.

except without the issues around location and family that give me a pause.

[DancingFool]

All I'm going to say is that when you meet the right woman, you won't be scared, you'll be looking forward to it.

 

As for her, do yourself a favor and just tell her it's truly over and then block all contact so that you can both move on and stop jerking each other around. If you need to tell yourself that maybe a year from now you might change your mind, do that, just don't tell her. Truth be told, a year from now, you won't be thinking of her because you will have moved on.

[sinfjotli]

Thank you! The situation is further complicated because when we broke up first, I started to look for jobs back in Europe - I didn't have a reason to stay if it was not for her, and I didn't want to date anyone else in the US since that would make it harder to move later on. Eventually I got offers, but rejected them first, since I knew that it would mean leaving her permanently. But then I saw it as the only way to really move on, and I accepted a subsequent Offer. I am about to move in a couple of weeks but I keep looking for ways to make me stay here and try to patch up things with her.

 

I think that I might be just scared of the change and of the fact that if I move, there will be little chance of getting back together. But maybe starting in a different place (it is actually a place I used to live previously so not all that new) would give me time and space to think and to really see if I want to be with her.

[realistic1817]

what does your therapist say about all of this Sinfjotli??? You love her I am sure, but are you INLOVE with her? She reaches out because she loves you despite all that you have done to hurt her. The heart wants what the heart wants whether it is good for you or not. Yea I say forget about a ring for now. Maybe even do couple counseling to see if the two of you can talk thru your issues and feelings with a qualified therapist to see if the relationship can be salvaged and healthy going forward.

[sinfjotli]

My therapist says that my urges to go back to her are normal, and I should not act on them. Generally though, he encourages me to take the plunge and move back to Europe because it is what I seem to want the most, despite the attachment to my girlfriend. He has been warning me that if I am not 100% sure I want to get married, I should not do it because if there is a sliver of doubt, we are both going to have a very bad time; right now, things are easy for both of us in life (professionally, health, and family-wise) but if and when problems arise, we would have a harder time to cope. At the same time, I think that one naturally starts to bond with people that you're with after some time together so that doesn't have to be an issue.